PAGE_The Bull Calf, and Other Tales

[Illustration:

THE

BULL CALF

AND

OTHER TALES,

A.B. FROST.

CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS

NEW YORK.

]

[Illustration:

1892

BY CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS

NEW YORK.

]

[Illustration: CONTENTS]

PAGE

_1._ _The Humane Man and the Bull Calf_ _5_

_2._ _A Warning to Mutton that Thinks Itself Lamb_ _19_

_3._ _Antonio and Jeremiah; an Inharmonious Tale_ _29_

_4._ _Dizzy Joe_ _37_

_5._ _Violet's Experience_ _55_

_6._ _The Entire Discomfiture of Uneasy Walker_ _63_

_7._ _'Twas a Poem about Gentle Spring_ _73_

_8._ _The Kidnapping of Private Jean François: A Frontier_

_Episode of the Next War_ _87_

_9._ _A Low Down Trick; or, Louisa's Capitulation_ _101_

_10._ _A Tale of Two Tails_ _109_

[Illustration: _The Humane Man and the Bull Calf._]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Make veal of that pretty creature! 'Tis a shame!" says

the Humane Man. "I will buy him and take him home to the children."]

[Illustration: "Ef Oi was you, Oi wud niver toi that rope around me

waist," says the former proprietor of the calf.

"Oh, never fear; he is a gentle thing," says the Humane Man.]

[Illustration: The "gentle thing" develops a tendency to play rather

startling to the Humane Man.]

[Illustration: And takes him for a little dash down a stony hill,]

[Illustration: But is stopped at the bottom by a small dog.]

[Illustration: "Be still, little calfy, till I untie this cord--that's

a good little calfy," says the Humane Man.]

[Illustration: Renewal of hostilities by the dog, and a circus

performance by the Humane Man and his purchase.]

[Illustration: Sudden termination to the circus performance owing to

the want of more rope. "You micro-cephalous idiot," says the Humane

Man, "if I had a knife I'd----"]

[Illustration: ----but the sentence is never finished, for again the

dog interferes and the Humane Man is unfurled.]

[Illustration: The "pretty creature" becomes really alarmed and goes

through a break in the fence leaving the Humane Man in a serious

position.]

[Illustration: Rescue of the Humane Man by natives--mutual

astonishment.]

[Illustration: "Boys," says the Humane Man, "you may have that calf--he

is yours on condition that he is made at once into _veal_--_minced

veal!!_"]

[Illustration: An adventure that befel Maria and Tobias.

A warning to Mutton that thinks itself Lamb.]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Look at that hill, Maria; when we was children how we

did roll down hills like that. Wouldn't it be fun now?"

"Lor'! Toby! we're too old and fat fer the likes of that."

"Fat nothin'! come on, let's do it?"

"Well, you go ahead, I'll foller."]

[Illustration: "Hi! Maria, aint this glorious?--like we was children

agin!?"

"I don't know, Toby, I think I'll stop!"]

[Illustration: "Hold on, Maria; stop me!!!"

"Hold on to what, you ole fool, stop yerself!"]

[Illustration: "Them--was--briars--Maria!!"

"Think--I'm--'s--big--fool--as--you?"]

[Illustration: "Hol'--on--Maria--hol'--on."

"I--won't--ol'--fool!"]

[Illustration: "Are you there, Maria?"

"What's left of me's here!"

"Hol' on tight, Maria, we may start agin any minit!"

"I wish _you_ would, and never stop!"]

[Illustration: "Well, you're a nice lookin' objeck, Maria."

"If I look half as bad as you, I want to die right here!"]

[Illustration: _Voices of the night_: "You ole fool, I wish I'd never

seen you."

"Fool who? You proposed it, Maria!" etc., etc.]

[Illustration: Antonio and Jeremiah, an inharmonious tale.]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe.]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: Mr. Hankins:--"I 'clar it's a shame to burn up a good

suit ov cloze like dem, jist when de man's gittin well, too!!"]

[Illustration: Mr. Hankins:--"Foh de lan's sake! I haint got a match!

and dey aint a house widin a mile ov dis!! Have to go git one though!"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe, the Wanderer:--"Well, here's luck! The

gen'l'min's gone in ter swim and fergot to cum out. Looks as if they'd

jist fit me!"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I hope these cloze won't be as hard ter git

out of as they was to git in ter! I'll jist give him my ole uns soze

he'll have _somethin'_ to wear!"]

[Illustration: Mr. Hankins:--"Jerusalem de golden! I never see a suit

ov cloze go to pieces quick ez dat suit of cloze did; dey must be jist

chock full er germs!" (_Dizzy Joe takes in the situation._)]

[Illustration: Voice from behind the fence:--"Lemme out!!! Come back

you black sinner and help me out!! Help!! Murder!!"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I-didn't-expect-to-have-to-take no

bath-this-year-but-if-I-must--]

[Illustration: . . . .--I must."]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I don't believe Adam and Eve ever made no

suit of cloze outer leaves. I'd like ter ketch that black hyena that

burned up my Sunday duds."]

[Illustration: (_A month later._) Mr. Peter Hisites:--"This _is_ great.

The quiet solitude of the mighty woods _and_ a good lunch is what fits

_me_."]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"Excuse me, sir! I--whatsermatter?"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I was only about to remark, sir, when you

slipped off the log, that I would like to buy one of them sangwishes if

you'll take my note for it at thirty days."]

[Illustration: Mr. Peter Hisites (_ten minutes later_):--"Do you catch

on? We'll make fifty dollars a week apiece and our board an' washin'

out of it!"]

[Illustration: Mr. Peter Hisites:--"As I was sayin', there's more'n one

way of wearin' a coat."]

[Illustration: Mr. Peter Hisites:--"Step up, gen'l'min! Here's the

wild man of Hankhunkamunk; captured him myself, after a desperate

resistance, jist as I am. He's very dangerous; I carry a gun all the

time."]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe (_to his spouse_):--"My dear, this beats

wanderin' on a mountain in a straw ulster, and livin' on jerked black

snake and blueberries--you bet!!"]

[Illustration: Violet's experience.]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: "You Lucullus Juniper! Has yo' done gone into yo' secon'

chile-hood? What you bringin' ole woreout cast-iron images wif dey arms

broke off roun' here fo'?"

"Don' you pester yo'sef 'bout dat figger Emmerline Jane; dat's a little

surprise fo' Vi'let!"]

[Illustration: "Now you Vi'let, dis here gen'l'min is a mos' pertickler

fren' ov mine. If I go 'way an' leave you, I don' want none ov yo'

kicken tricks; you heah me?"]

[Illustration: "Dat's a mos' pertickler fren' ov his'n; well, I should

smile!"--]

[Illustration: --"but bizness is bizness, an' here goes--!"]

[Illustration: "----!!!!!"]

[Illustration: "Brer 'Cullus, yo' 'pears to be mighty cheerful fo' a

man dat's stanin' on the aidge ov de grave!"

"I ain' gwine ter die jist yit, Brer Hacklefeather!"

"Ain' dat yo' kicken' muel Vi'let?"

"Dis here my muel Vi'let, but she ain' a kicken mule no mo'! She done

had a 'sperience!"]

[Illustration: _The entire discomfiture of Uneasy Walker._]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: Hatching the plot.]

[Illustration: Setting the bait.]

[Illustration: Waiting for the signal.]

[Illustration: The action begins.]

[Illustration: Is continued with warmth.]

[Illustration: The situation becomes desperate.]

[Illustration: Dictating the terms of surrender.]

[Illustration: The capitulation.]

[Illustration: _'Twas a Poem About Gentle Spring._]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: Editor of the Weekly Whoop (_alone_):--"Been up all

night with the baby, head aches, three libel suits on hand, men on

strike, subscriptions falling off, what next? Murder would be a pastime

fer me now----Come in!!!"]

[Illustration: Editor W. W.:--"_What!_ a poem on Spring! I'll spring

you----!!!"]

[Illustration: Small Quiet Party:--"Excuse me, sir, jist hold on a

minute----"]

[Illustration: "I didn't expect to have to do no fightin', but if I

_must_ I'll have to get this 'ere coat off. Jist go up there a half a

second!!"]

[Illustration: Editor:--"Wha--Wha--What do you want?"

Small Party:--"I was a-givin' Mr. Snees, the poet, a sparrin' lesson

an' he says, jist slip my coat on an' run over to the _Weekly Whoop_

with this 'ere Spring poem, while I git me breath."