for $32.87. Everybody who knew anything about ciphering was called in to
consider it. A young man from a high school near here, who made a
specialty of mathematics and pimples, and who could readily tell how
long a shadow a nine-pound ground-hog would cast at 2 o'clock and 37
minutes p. m., on ground-hog day, if sunny, at the town of Fungus, Dak.,
provided latitude and longitude and an irregular mass of red chalk be
given to him, was secured to jerk a few logarithms in the interests of
trade. He came and tried it for a few days, covered the interior of the
Exposition Building with figures and then went away.
The Pinkerton detectives laid aside their literary work on the great
train book, entitled "The Jerkwater Bank Robbery and other Choice
Crimes," by the author of "How I Traced a Lame Man through Michigan and
other Felonies." They grappled with the cipher, and several of them
leaned up against something and thought for a long time, but they could
make neither head nor tail to it. Ignatius Donnelly took a powerful dose
of kumiss, and under its maddening influence sought to solve the great
problem which threatened to engulf the national surplus. All was in
vain. Cowed and defeated, the able conservators of coin, who require a
man to be identified before he can draw on his overshoes at sight, had
to acknowledge if this thing continued it threatened the destruction of
the entire national fabric.
About this time I was calling at the First National Bank of Chicago, the
greatest bank, if I am not mistaken, in America. I saw the bonds
securing its issue of national currency the other day in Washington, and
I am quite sure the custodian told me it was the greatest of any bank in
the Union. Anyway, it was sufficient, so that I felt like doing my
banking business there whenever it became handy to do so.
I asked for a certificate of deposit for $2,000, and had the money to
pay for it, but I had to be identified. "Why," I said to the receiving
teller, "surely you don't require a man to be identified when he
deposits money, do you?"
"Yes, that's the idea."
"Well, isn't that a new twist on the crippled industries of this
country?"
"No; that's our rule. Hurry up, please, and don't keep men waiting who
have money and know how to do business."
"Well, I don't want to obstruct business, of course, but suppose, for
instance, I get myself identified by a man I know and a man you know,
and a man who can leave his business and come here for the delirious joy
of identifying me, and you admit that I am the man I claim to be,
corresponding as to description, age, sex, etc., with the man I
advertise myself to be, how would it be about your ability to identify
yourself as the man you claim to be? I go all over Chicago, visiting all
the large pork-packing houses in search of a man I know, and who is
intimate with literary people like me, and finally we will say I find
one who knows me and who knows you, and whom you know, and who can leave
his leaf lard long enough to come here and identify me all right. Can
you identify yourself in such a way that when I put in my $2,000 you
will not loan it upon insufficient security as they did in Cincinnati
the other day, as soon as I go out of town?"
"Oh, we don't care especially whether you trade here or not, so that you
hurry up and let other people have a chance. Where you make a mistake is
in trying to rehearse a piece here instead of going out to Lincoln Park
or somewhere in a quiet part of the city. Our rules are that a man who
makes a deposit here must be identified."
"All right. Do you know Queen Victoria?"
"No, sir; I do not."
"Well, then, there is no use in disturbing her. Do you know any of the
other crowned heads?"
"No, sir."
"Well, then, do you know President Cleveland, or any of the Cabinet, or
the Senate or members of the House?"
"No."
"That's it, you see. I move in one set and you in another. What
respectable people do you know?"
[Illustration]
"I'll have to ask you to stand aside, I guess, and give that string of
people a chance. You have no right to take up my time in this way. The
rules of the bank are inflexible. We must know who you are, even before
we accept your deposit."
I then drew from my pocket a copy of the Sunday World, which contained a
voluptuous picture of myself. Removing my hat and making a court salaam
by letting out four additional joints in my lithe and versatile limbs, I
asked if any further identification would be necessary.
[Illustration]
Hastily closing the door to the vault and jerking the combination, he
said that would be satisfactory. I was then permitted to deposit in the
bank.
I do not know why I should always be regarded with suspicion wherever I
go. I do not present the appearance of a man who is steeped in crime,
and yet when I put my trivial little two-gallon valise on the seat of a
depot-waiting-room a big man with a red moustache comes to me and hisses
through his clinched teeth: "Take yer baggage off the seat!!" It is so
everywhere. I apologize for disturbing a ticket agent long enough to
sell me a ticket, and he tries to jump through a little brass wicket and
throttle me. Other men come in and say: "Give me a ticket for Bandoline,
O., and be dam sudden about it, too," and they get their ticket and go
aboard the car and get the best seat, while I am begging for the
opportunity to buy a seat at full rates and then ride in the wood-box. I
believe that common courtesy and decency in America need protection. Go
into an hotel or a hotel, whichever suits the eyether and nyether
readers of these lines, and the commercial man who travels for a big
sausage-casing house in New York has the bridal chamber, while the meek
and lowly minister of the Gospel gets a wall-pocket room with a cot, a
slippery-elm towel, a cake of cast-iron soap, a disconnected bell, a
view of the laundry, a tin roof and $4 a day.
But I digress. I was speaking of the bank check cipher. At the First
National Bank I was shown another of these remarkable indorsements. It
read as follows:
DEAR SIR:--This will be your pay for chickens and other fowls
received up to the first of the present month. Time is working
wondrous changes in your chickens. They are not such chickens as we
used to get of you before the war. They may be the same chickens,
but oh! how changed by the lapse of time! How much more
indestructible! How they have learned since then to defy the
encroaching tooth of remorseless ages, or any other man! Why do you
not have them tender like your squashes? I found a blue poker chip
in your butter this week. What shall I credit myself for it? If you
would try to work your butter more and your customers less it would
be highly appreciated, especially by, yours truly,
W.
Looking at the signature on the check itself, I found it to be that of
Mrs. James Wexford, of this city. Knowing Mr. Wexford, a wealthy and
influential publisher here, I asked him to-day if he knew anything about
this matter. He said that all he knew about it was that his wife had a
separate bank account, and had asked him several months ago what was the
use of all the blank space on the back of a check, and why it couldn't
be used for correspondence with the remittee. Mr. Wexford said he'd bet
$500 that his wife had been using her checks that way, for he said he
never knew of a woman who could possibly pay postage on a note,
remittance or anything else unless every particle of the surface had
been written over in a wild, delirious, three-story hand. Later on I
found that he was right about it. His wife had been sassing the grocer
and the butter-man on the back of her checks. Thus ended the great bank
mystery.
I will close this letter with a little incident, the story of which may
not be so startling, but it is true. It is a story of child faith.
Johnny Quinlan, of Evanston, has the most wonderful confidence in the
efficacy of prayer, but he thinks that prayer does not succeed unless it
is accompanied with considerable physical strength. He believes that
adult prayer is a good thing, but doubts the efficacy of juvenile
prayer.
He has wanted a Jersey cow for a good while and tried prayer, but it
didn't seem to get to the central office. Last week he went to a
neighbor who is a Christian and believer in the efficacy of prayer, also
the owner of a Jersey cow.
[Illustration]
"Do you believe that prayer will bring me a yaller Jersey cow?" said
Johnny.
"Why, yes, of course. Prayer will remove mountains. It will do
anything."
"Well, then, suppose you give me the cow you've got and pray for another
one."
[Illustration: END]
THE OLD CIDER MILL.
If I could be a boy again
For fifteen minutes, or even ten,
I'd make a bee-line for that old mill,
Hidden by tangled vines down by the rill,
Where the apples were piled in heaps all 'round,
Red, streaked and yellow all over the ground;
And the old sleepy horse goes round and round
And turns the wheels while the apples are ground.
Straight for that old cider mill I'd start,
With light bare feet and lighter heart,
A smiling face, a big straw hat,
Hum made breeches and all o' that.
And when I got there I would just take a peep,
To see if old cider mill John was asleep,
And if he was I'd go snooking round
'Till a great big round rye straw I'd found;
I'd straddle a barrel and quick begin
To fill with cider right up to my chin.
As old as I am, I can shut my eyes
And see the yellow-jackets, bees and flies
A-swarming 'round the juicy cheese,
And bung-holes; drinking as much as they please
I can see the clear sweet cider flow
From the press above to the tub below,
And a-steaming up into my old nose
Comes the smell that only a cider mill knows.
You may talk about your fine old Crow,
Your champagne, sherry, and so and so,
But of all the drinks of press or still,
Give me the juice of that old cider mill,
A small boy's energy and suction power
For just ten minutes or quarter of an hour,
And the happiest boy you ever saw
You'd find at the end of that rye straw,
And I'll forego forevermore
All liquors known on this earthly shore.
--_Anonymous_