But wilt thou accept not The worship the heart lifts above And the
Heavens reject not, The desire of the moth for the star, Of the night
for the morrow, The devotion to something afar From the sphere of our
sorrow?--P. B. Shelley.
It was not with a light heart--for I loved Glanville too well, not to
be powerfully affected by his history and approaching fate--but with
a chastised and sober joy, that I now beheld my friend innocent of the
guilt my suspicions had accused him of, and the only obstacle to my
marriage with his sister removed. True it was that the sword yet hung
over his head, and that while he lived, there could be no rational
assurance of his safety from the disgrace and death of the felon. In the
world’s eye, therefore, the barrier to my union with Ellen would
have been far from being wholly removed; but, at that moment, my
disappointments had disgusted me with the world, and I turned with a
double yearning of heart to her whose pure and holy love could be at
once my recompence and retreat.
Nor was this selfish consideration my only motive in the conduct I was
resolved to adopt; on the contrary, it was scarcely more prominent in my
mind, than those derived from giving to a friend who was now dearer
to me than ever, his only consolation on this earth, and to Ellen, the
safest protection, in case of any danger to her brother. With these, it
is true, were mingled feelings which, in happier circumstances, might
have been those of transport at a bright and successful termination to a
deep and devoted love; but these I had, while Glanville’s very life was
so doubtful, little right to indulge, and I checked them as soon as they
arose.
After a sleepless night, I repaired to Lady Glanville’s house. It was
long since I had been there, and the servant who admitted me, seemed
somewhat surprised at the earliness of my visit. I desired to see the
mother, and waited in the parlour till she came. I made but a scanty
exordium to my speech. In very few words I expressed my love to Ellen,
and besought her mediation in my behalf; nor did I think it would be
a slight consideration in my favour, with the fond mother, to mention
Glanville’s concurrence with my suit.
“Ellen is up stairs in the drawing-room,” said Lady Glanville. “I will
go and prepare her to receive you--if you have her consent, you have
mine.”
“Will you suffer me, then,” said I, “to forestal you? Forgive my
impatience, and let me see her before you do.”
Lady Glanville was a woman of the good old school, and stood somewhat
upon forms and ceremonies. I did not, therefore, await the answer, which
I foresaw might not be favourable to my success, but with my customary
assurance, left the room, and hastened up stairs. I entered the
drawing-room, and shut the door. Ellen was at the far end; and as I
entered with a light step, she did not perceive me till I was close by.
She started when she saw me; and her cheek, before very pale, deepened
into crimson. “Good Heavens! is it you,” she said, falteringly “I--I
thought--but--but--excuse me for an instant, I will call my mother.”
“Stay for one instant, I beseech you--it is from your mother that I
come--she has referred me to you.” And with a trembling and hurried
voice, for all my usual boldness forsook me, I poured forth, in rapid
and burning words, the history of my secret and hoarded love--its
doubts, fears, and hopes.
Ellen sunk back on her chair, overpowered and silent by her feelings,
and the vehemence of my own. I knelt, and took her hand; I covered it
with my kisses--it was not withdrawn from them. I raised my eyes,
and beheld in her’s all that my heart had hoped, but did not dare to
pourtray.
“You--you,” said she--when at last she found words--“I imagined that
you only thought of ambition and the world--I could not have dreamt of
this.” She ceased, blushing and embarrassed.
“It is true,” said I, “that you had a right to think so, for, till this
moment, I have never opened to you even a glimpse of my veiled heart,
and its secret and wild desires; but, do you think that my love was the
less a treasure, because it was hidden? or the less deep, because it was
cherished at the bottom of my soul? No--no; believe me that love was not
to be mingled with the ordinary objects of life--it was too pure to be
profaned by the levities and follies which are all of my nature that I
have permitted myself to develope to the world. Do not imagine,
that, because I have seemed an idler with the idle--selfish with the
interested--and cold, and vain, and frivolous, with those to whom such
qualities were both a passport and a virtue; do not imagine that I have
concealed within me nothing more worthy of you and of myself; my very
love for you shews, that I am wiser and better than I have seemed. Speak
to me, Ellen--may I call you by that name--one word--one syllable! speak
to me, and tell me that you have read my heart, and that you will not
reject it!”
There came no answer from those dear lips; but their soft and tender
smile told me that I might hope. That hour I still recall and bless!
that hour was the happiest of my life.