We understand from our Special War Correspondent, who is counting the
butter at Copenhagen, that great activity is manifesting itself among
the officers and men of the German Slack-Water Fleet. This is owing to
the fact that they are learning a new German National Anthem which has
just been introduced into the Fleet, set to an old English tune. A rough
translation of the chorus goes as follows:--
"Rule, Germania, Germania ever shall
Ru--u--u-u-u-u-ule the Kiel Canal."
The order enforcing this new song is signed "WILHELM, Grand Admiral of
the Canal."
* * * * *
The announcement that an indemnity of 100,000 cigars had been levied on
Ghent created some little surprise. It is a fact, however, that before
the campaign began a list of suitable indemnities for all the towns and
villages through which the Germans hoped to pass had been drawn up by
the ever-ready General Staff. A list of such war levies for various
places in England has accidentally come into our possession, a
dispatch-case containing this and other important documents having been
dropped by a carrier-pigeon as it was flying over Bouverie Street on its
way back to Berlin. We give a few examples, so that our readers may know
what to expect:--
_London._--£100,000,000, the Albert Memorial and three-dozen
special constables.
_Beaconsfield._--Mr. G. K. ---- (_suppressed by Censor_).
_Tonbridge._--100,000 cricket bats with splices, 10,000 pairs of
leg-guards, and 1,000 wicket-keeping gauntlets.
_Greenwich._--200,000,000 bunches of whitebait, 200,000 lemons, and
750,000 slices of brown bread and butter.
_Steeple Bumpstead._--£5,000,000 and a mangold-wurzel. [Three weeks
will be given the inhabitants in which to collect the money, but
the wurzel must be handed over at once.]
* * * * *
By the way, the plan for this invasion of England is a remarkably subtle
one. The invading army will be under the command of the CROWN PRINCE,
who, according to the latest reports, is now fighting simultaneously on
the eastern and western frontiers of Germany, and has volunteered for
spare-time work. Waiting for the psychological moment when the British
Fleet is looking the other way, the Grand High Canal Fleet will slip out
with barges in tow, containing six army corps and His Royal Lowness.
And, as VON MOLTKE said to the present writer's--the present KAISER'S
grandfather. "Victory will be ours, Sire."
* * * * *
Illustration: A USE FOR ZEPPELINS.
_Belated Citizen_ (_who has been lamenting the loss of his latch-key all
the way home_). "HELLO! HERE'S A BIT OF LUCK!"
* * * * *
Success continues to attend the Austrian arms, both in the East and in
the South. It is announced on reliable authority that more than 200,000
Austrians have forced their way into Russia, and are now guarding the
more important Russian prisons from within. In the South the
chastisement of Servia, undertaken solely for Servia's own good, has
triumphantly achieved its object.
* * * * *
The Japanese army corps, which passed through Llanfairfechan, Inverness
and Bushey last Saturday, on its way to outflank the German left wing at
Metz, has arrived safely at Scutari, and is now marching on Vienna. [The
Press Bureau has no notion whether this is true or not, and cannot think
of any way of finding out. But it consents to its publication in the
hope that it will frighten the KAISER.]
* * * * *
We learn that the Russians have won a pronounced victory (but not by us)
at Przemysl.
* * * * *
Shakspeare on the Situation.
"List! list! oh list."--_Hamlet, Act I., Scene 4._
* * * * *
Illustration: _Old Lady._ "I'VE BROUGHT BACK THIS WAR MAP YOU SOLD ME
YESTERDAY, MR. BROWN. IT'S NOT UP TO DATE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL THE
MORNING FOR ARMAGEDDON, AND CAN'T FIND IT MARKED ANYWHERE."
* * * * *