SYMPTOMS OF DEATH--NO HOPES OF LIVING--PONCA MANNER OF BURYING THE
DEAD--DREAD OF HAVING MY BODY MANGLED BY THE WOLVES--DECIDE TO BARGAIN
WITH THE INDIANS TO CUT UP MY BODY AND TAKE IT TO MY FRIENDS--HAPPY
ASSURANCE THAT I SHOULD LIVE, ETC.
On Christmas day my knee and right side were badly swollen. I had been
suffering much pain for two days, and I feared if it continued the
disease would strike inwardly, and that if so, I could not live. At
noon my knee was nearly as large as my head; but it did not hurt me to
walk slowly, and I concluded that I would go and pray, believing it
would be the last time I would be able to do so, for my faith about
living had left me, and I felt that I could not live twenty-four hours
longer.
I had always felt very indifferent about what might become of my body
after death, but now I felt quite the reverse.
The Ponca Indians bury their dead in a shallow hole, packing a mound of
sward over the body. The ground was so deeply frozen that if I died and
the Indians tried to give me a decent burial, they could not possibly
dig up much sod to put over me, not enough to protect me from the
wolves, which were very numerous around the camp. The idea of my body
being pulled limb from limb, and scattered all over the country, caused
me to feel very sad, for you must know I felt sure I should die, and
that too in a few hours.
It was a most horrible feeling, for I could almost fancy I saw my body
being pulled to pieces and my bones picked clean of flesh and sinew,
and scattered all over the country.
While these horrible thoughts were passing through my mind I was
steadily nearing my prayer room, where, on arriving, I knelt down and
prayed as I never had before.
In presenting myself to the Lord, I stated my feelings as I have
described them, asking Him to spare my life if it was His will, for
I was anxious to see the Saints again; but if not, I said, "O Lord,
Thy will be done!" I asked Him to protect my body, when buried, from
the wolves, that it might not be scattered to the four winds. I said,
"spare it, oh, my Father, and let it rest in peace, until it is Thy
will to visit some of my brethren with dream or with vision, that they
may know of my death, and the location of this poor feeble body."
Much more was said by me, for the Spirit of God was upon me. After
this, and while walking to the village and thinking of what had passed;
it was suggested to me that I need not be buried there at all. I had
got a good double barrelled gun, and a good suit of clothes at the camp
of the Saints. All I need do was to tell the chief that I was sick, and
expected to die, and when dead I wanted him to cut into quarters my
body, pack it, and send it to my chief (Bishop Miller), that I might
be buried with the Saints; and for doing this, I would give him all I
possessed.
No sooner had this thought suggested itself to me, than I felt it was
an answer to my prayer, and I there and then praised the Lord for His
goodness and kindness towards me.
As soon as I reached the lodge, I got out my journal to write in it, as
I supposed, for the last time (for I was suffering much pain inwardly,
and gradually becoming weaker), and also to write a note to Brother
Miller, authorizing him to give up my clothes, etc., to the party who
presented my body to him.
I got out my book, tore out a leaf to write this note, dipped my pen (a
crow's quill) in the ink, when I felt impressed to speak as follows:
"Thus saith the Lord unto you, my servant; thy prayers have been heard
and accepted of me, and from this hour thou shalt commence to recover,
for thou shalt live and not die; thou shalt return in due time to the
camps of Israel; thou shalt be gathered to the place I have appointed
for the gathering of my people; thou shalt be blessed with a home and
habitation with my Saints; and thou shalt travel much and again see thy
sister in the flesh."
Much more was at the same time manifested to me by the Spirit. I had no
sooner received this than I closed the book, believing all the Spirit
had said.
I assure all who may read this, that this day's experience was worth
more to me than any amount of this world's goods that I could possibly
possess. I surely rejoiced that day in the God of my salvation as I had
not known how to do before.
It is true I had received many testimonies, with promises that I
should live, and had in different ways been convinced of the existence
of a God, and the truth of the gospel as taught by Joseph Smith, the
prophet, but this day's testimony was under different circumstances
and feelings. I had given up all thoughts of living; I had no fear
of dying; my only trouble was about my body being removed and torn
to pieces after burial. But here, when doing my last work, as I then
believed (writing a note and the last record in my journal), the
Spirit of the Lord rested upon me, and I received the glad tidings
that I should live and not die. I was assured that I should again see
my friends and brethren in the Church, that I should visit my sister
who was (as is now) in England; that I should travel much, and have a
home and habitation with the Saints, etc. This, to me, was a greater
testimony than anything I had ever before received.
All of this has been fulfilled to the letter. I have lived; I have seen
my sister three times since then; I have traveled much (for many years
past from six to twenty thousand miles in a year), and I have a home
and a habitation.
How little the outside world know of these things, or of the faith of
the Latter-day Saints! It is these testimonies that give strength and
faith to us when away from our friends on missions. Had I not been with
those Indians as I was, alone and sorely afflicted, I might never have
had this testimony.
It is so with all who are faithful and who go upon missions. They may
meet with trouble and be persecuted, but the Lord will pour out His
Spirit upon them to such a degree, that they will rejoice in their
afflictions, and be glad afterwards that they have passed through such
trials.
The Lord has thus blessed thousands who have been sent upon missions,
and He will so bless many thousands more, and even more abundantly as
our works and faith increase.