I stumbled off, feeling smaller and smaller as I went, more and more
ridiculous and insignificant, as indeed I must have appeared; for
distance can hardly lend enchantment to any view of _me_. Not one single
look did I cast behind; but now that my feelings began to quiet down, I
began also to think. And a pretty muddle of mind it was. What had
enraged and embittered me so? If only I had remained calm. Was it that
my pride, my vanity, had in some vague fashion been a punishment of him
for Fanny's unkindness to me?
"But he stole, he _stole_ my letter," I said aloud, stamping my foot on
a budding violet; and--there was Mrs Bowater. Evidently she had been
watching my approach, and now smiled benignly.
"Why, you are quite out of breath, miss; and your cheeks!... I hope you
haven't been having words. A better-spoken young fellow than I had
fancied; and I'm sure I ask his pardon for the 'gentleman.'"
"Ach," I swept up at my beech-tree, now cautiously unsheathing its first
green buds in the lower branches, "I think he must be light in his
head."
"And that often comes," replied Mrs Bowater, with undisguised
_bonhomie_, "from being heavy at the heart. Why, miss, he may be a young
nobleman in disguise. There's unlikelier things even than that, to judge
from that trash of Fanny's. While, as for fish in the sea--it's
sometimes wise to be contented with what we can catch."
Who had been talking to me about fish in the sea--quite lately? I
thought contemptuously of Pollie and the Dream Book. "I am sorry," I
replied, nose in air, "but I cannot follow the allusion."
The charge of vulgarity was the very last, I think, which Mrs Bowater
would have lifted a finger to refute. My cheeks flamed hotter to know
that she was quietly smiling up there. We walked on in silence.
That night I could not sleep. I was afraid. Life was blackening my mind
like the mould of a graveyard. I could think of nothing but one face,
one voice--that scorn and longing, thought and fantasy. What if he did
love me a little? I might at least have been kind to him. Had I so many
friends that I could afford to be harsh and ungrateful? How dreadfully
ill he had looked when I scoffed at him. And now what might _not_ have
happened to him? I seemed lost to myself. No wonder Fanny.... My body
grew cold at a thought; the palms of my hands began to ache.
Half-stifled, I leapt out of bed, and without the least notion of what I
was doing, hastily dressed myself, and fled out into the night. I must
find him, talk to him, plead with him, before it was too late. And in
the trickling starlight, pressed against my own gatepost--there he was.
"Oh," I whispered at him in a fever of relief and shame and
apprehensiveness, "what are you doing here? You must go away at once, at
once. I forgive you. Yes, yes; I forgive you. But--at once. Keep the
letter for me till I come again." His hand was wet with the dew. "Oh,
and never say it again. Please, please, if you care for me the least bit
in the world, never, never say what you did again." I poured out the
heedless words in the sweet-scented quiet of midnight. "Now--now go"; I
entreated. "And indeed, indeed I am your friend."
The dark eyes shone quietly close to mine. He sighed. He lifted my
fingers, and put them to my breast again. He whispered unintelligible
words between us, and was gone. No more stars for me that night. I slept
sound until long after dawn....
Softly as thistledown the days floated into eternity; yet they were days
of expectation and action. April was her fickle self; not so Mrs
Monnerie. Her letter to Mrs Bowater must have been a marvel of tact.
Apartments had been engaged for us at a little watering-place in
Dorsetshire, called Lyme Regis. Mrs Bowater and I were to spend at least
a fortnight there alone together, and after our return Mrs Monnerie
herself was to pay me a visit, and see with her own eyes if her
prescription had been successful. After that, perhaps, if I were so
inclined, and my landlady agreed with Mr Pellew that it would be good
for me, I might spend a week or two with her in London. What a twist of
the kaleidoscope. I had sown never a pinch of seed, yet here was
everything laughing and blossoming around me, like the wilderness in
Isaiah.
Indeed my own looking-glass told me how wan and languishing a Miss M.
was pining for change of scene and air. She rejoiced that Fanny was
enjoying herself, rejoiced that she was going to enjoy herself too. I
searched Mrs Bowater's library for views of the sea, but without much
reward. So I read over Mr Bowater's Captain Maury--on the winds and
monsoons and tide-rips and hurricanes, freshened up my _Robinson
Crusoe_, and dreamed of the Angels with the Vials. In the midst of my
packing (and I spread it out for sheer amusement's sake), Mr Crimble
called again. He looked nervous, gloomy, and hollow-eyed.
I was fast becoming a mistress in affairs of the sensibilities. Yet,
when, kneeling over my open trunk, I heard him in the porch, I mimicked
Fanny's "Dash!" and wished to goodness he had postponed his visit until
only echo could have answered his knock. It fretted me to be bothered
with him. And now? What would I not give to be able to say I had done my
best and utmost to help him when he wanted it? Here is a riddle I can
find no answer to, however long I live: How is it that our eyes cannot
foresee, our very hearts cannot forefeel, the future? And how should we
act if that future were plain before us? Yet, even then, what could I
have said to him to comfort him? Really and truly I had no candle with
which to see into that dark mind.
In actual fact my task was difficult and delicate enough. In spite of
her vow not to write again, yet another letter had meanwhile come from
Fanny. If Mr Crimble's had afforded "a ray of hope," this had shut it
clean away. It was full of temporizings, wheedlings, evasions--and
brimming over with Fanny.
It suggested, too, that Mrs Bowater must have misread the name of her
holiday place. The half-legible printing of the postmark on the
envelope--fortunately I had intercepted the postman--did not even begin
with an M. And no address was given within. I was to tell Mr Crimble
that Fanny was over-tired and depressed by the term's work, that she
simply couldn't set her "weary mind" to anything, and as for
decisions:--
"He seems to think only of himself. You couldn't believe,
Midgetina, what nonsense the man talks. He can't _see_ that all
poor Fanny's future is at stake, body and soul. Tell him if he
_wants_ her to smile, he must sit in patience on a pedestal, and
smile too. One simply can't trust the poor creature with cold,
sober facts. His mother, now--why, I could read it in your own
polite little description of her at your Grand Reception--she
smiles and smiles. So did the Cheshire Cat.
"'But oh, dear Fanny, time and your own true self, God helping,
would win her over.' So writes H. C. That's candid enough, if you
look into it; but it isn't sense. Once hostile, old ladies are
_not_ won over. They don't care much for mind in the young. Anyhow,
one look at me was enough for her--and it was followed by a sharp
little peer at poor Harold! She guessed. So you see, my dear, even
for youthful things, like you and me, time gathers roses a jolly
sight faster than we can, and it would have to be the _fait
accompli_, before a word is breathed to her. That is, if I could
take a deep breath and say, Yes.
"But I can't. I ask you: Can you _see_ Fanny Bowater a Right
Reverendissima? No, nor can I. And not even gaiters or an apron
here and now would settle the question off-hand. Why I confide all
this in you (why, for that matter, it has all been confided in
_me_), I know not. You want nothing, and if you did, you wouldn't
want it long. Now, would you? Perhaps that is the secret. But Fanny
wants a good deal. She cannot even guess how much. So, while Miss
Stebbings and Beechwood Hill for ever and ever would be hell before
purgatory, H. C. and St Peter's would be merely the same thing,
with the fires _out_. And I am quite sure that, given a chance,
heaven is our home.
"Oh, Midgetina, I listen to all this; mumbling my heart like a dog
a bone. What the devil has it got to do with _me_, I ask myself?
Who set the infernal trap? If only I could stop thinking and
mocking and find some one--not 'to love me' (between ourselves,
there are far too many of _them_ already), but capable of making me
love him. They say a woman can't be driven. I disagree. She _can_
be driven--mad. And apart from that, though twenty men only succeed
in giving me hydrophobia, one could persuade me to drink, if only
his name was Mr Right, as mother succinctly puts it.
"But first and last, I am having a real, if not a particularly
sagacious, holiday, and can take care of myself. And next and last,
play, I _beseech_ you, the tiny good Samaritan between me and
poor, plodding, blinded H. C.--even if he does eventually have to
go on to Jericho.
"And I shall ever remain, your most affec.--F."
How all this baffled me. I tried, but dismally failed, to pour a trickle
of wine and oil into Mr Crimble's wounded heart, for his sake and for
mine, not for Fanny's, for I knew in myself that his "Jericho" was
already within view.
"I don't understand her; I don't understand her," he kept repeating,
crushing his soft hat in his small, square hands. "I cannot reach her; I
am not in touch with her."
Out of the fount of my womanly wisdom I reminded him how young she was,
how clever, and how much flattered.
"You know, then, there are--others?" he gulped, darkly meeting me.
"That, surely, is what makes her so precious," I falsely insinuated.
He gazed at me, his eyes like an immense, empty shop-window. "That
thought puts---- I can't," and he twisted his head on his shoulders as if
shadows were around him; "I can't bear to think of her
and--with--_others_. It unbalances me. But how can you understand?... A
sealed book. Last night I sat at my window. It was raining. I know not
the hour: and Spring!" He clutched at his knees, stooping forward. "I
repudiated myself, thrust myself out. Oh, believe me, we are not alone.
And there and then I resolved to lay the whole matter before"--his
glance groped towards the door--"before, in fact, her _mother_. She is a
woman of sagacity, of proper feeling in her station, though how she came
to be the mother of---- But that's neither here nor there. We mustn't
probe. Probably she thinks--but what use to consider it? One word to
her--and Fanny would be lost to me for ever." For a moment it seemed his
eyes closed on me. "How can I bring myself to speak of it?" a remote
voice murmured from beneath them.
I looked at the figure seated there in its long black coat; and far away
in my mind whistled an ecstatic bird--"The sea! the sea! You are going
away--out, out of all this."
So, too, was Mr Crimble, if only I had known it. It was my weak and
cowardly acquiescence in Fanny's deceits that was speeding him on his
dreadful journey. None the less, a wretched heartless impatience fretted
me at being thus helplessly hemmed in by my fellow creatures. How
clumsily they groped on. Why couldn't they be happy in just living free
from the clouds and trammels of each other and of themselves? The
selfish helplessness of it all. It was, indeed, as though the strange
fires which Fanny had burnt me in--which any sudden thought of her could
still fan into a flickering blaze--had utterly died down. Whether or
not, I was hardened; a poor little earthenware pot fresh from the
furnace. And with what elixir was it brimmed.
I rose from my chair, walked away from my visitor, and peered through my
muslin curtains at the green and shine and blue. A nursemaid was lagging
along with a sleeping infant--its mild face to the sky--in a
perambulator. A faint drift of dandelions showed in the stretching
meadow. Kent's blue hems lay calm; my thoughts drew far away.
"Mr Crimble," I cried in a low voice: "is she _worth_ all our care for
her?"
"'Our'--'our'?" he expostulated.
"Mine, then. When I gave her, just to be friends, because--because I
loved her, a little ivory box, nothing of any value, of course, but
which I have loved and treasured since childhood, she left it without a
thought. It's in my wardrobe drawer--shall I show it to you? I _say_ it
was nothing in itself; but what I mean is that she just makes use of me,
and with far less generosity than--than other people do. Her eyes, her
voice, when she moves her hand, turns her head, looks back--oh, I know!
But," and I turned on him in the light, "does it mean anything? Let us
just help her all we can, and--keep away."
It was a treachery past all forgiveness: I see that now. If only I had
said, "Love on, love on: ask nothing." But I did not say it. A contempt
of all this slow folly was in my brain that afternoon. Why couldn't the
black cowering creature take himself off? What concern of mine was his
sick, sheepish look? What particle of a fig did he care for Me? Had he
lifted a little finger when I myself bitterly needed it? I seemed to be
struggling in a net of hatred.
He raised himself in his chair, his spectacles still fixed on me; as if
some foul insect had erected its blunt head at him.
"Then _you_ are against her too," he uttered, under his breath. "I might
have known it, I might have known it. I am a lost man."
It was pitiful. "Lost fiddlesticks!" I snapped back at him, with bared
teeth. "I wouldn't--I've never harmed a fly. Who, I should like to know,
came to _my_ help when...?" But I choked down the words. Silence fell
between us. The idiot clock chimed five. He turned his face away to
conceal the aversion that had suddenly overwhelmed him at sight of me.
"I see," he said, in a hollow, low voice, with his old wooden,
artificial dignity. "There's nothing more to say. I can only thank you,
and be gone. I had not realized. You misjudge her. You haven't the----
How could it be expected? But there! thinking's impossible."
How often had I seen my poor father in his last heavy days draw his hand
across his eyes like that? Already my fickle mind was struggling to find
words with which to retract, to explain away that venomous outbreak. But
I let him go. The stooping, hatted figure hastened past my window; and I
was never to see him again.