When I awoke, the morning sky was gay with sunshine, there was a lisping
and gurgling of starlings on the roof, the roar of the little river in
flood after the rains shook the air at my window, and there sat Pollie,
in her outdoor clothes, the rest of the packing done and she awaiting
breakfast. Unstirringly from my pillow I scrutinized the plump,
red-cheeked face with its pale-blue prominent eyes dreaming out of the
window; and sorrow welled up in me at the thought of the past and of how
near drew our separation. She heard me move, and kneeling and stooping
low over my bed, with her work-roughened finger she stroked the hand
that lay on my coverlet. A pretty sight I must have looked--after my
night's experiences. We whispered a little together. She was now a
sedater young woman, but still my Pollie of the apples and novelettes.
And whether or not it is because early custom is second nature, she is
still the only person whom my skin does not a little creep against when
necessity calls for a beast of burden.
Her desertion of me the night before had been caused by the untimely
death of one of her father's three Alderney cows--a mild, horned
creature, which I had myself often seen in the meadows cropping among
the buttercups, and whose rich-breathed nose I had once had the courage
to ask to stroke with my hand. This ill-fated beast at first threat of
the storm, had taken shelter with her companions under an oak. Scarcely
had the lightnings begun to play when she was struck down by a
"thunderbolt." It was a tragedy after Pollie's heart. She had (she said)
fainted dead off at news of it--and we bemoaned the event in concert. In
return I told her my dream of the garden. Nothing would then content her
but she must fetch from under her mattress _Napoleon's Book of Fate_, a
legacy from Mrs Ballard.
"But, Pollie," I demurred; "a dream is only a dream."
"Honest, miss," she replied, thumbing over the pages, "there's some of
'em means what happens and comes true, and they'll tell secrets too if
they be searched about. More'n a month before Mrs Ballard fell out with
master she dreamed that one of the speckled hens had laid an egg in the
kitchen dresser. There it was clucking among the crockery. And to dream
of eggs, the book says, is to be certain sure of getting the place you
are after, and which she wrote off to a friend in London and is there
now!"
What more was there to say? So presently Pollie succeeded in turning to
"Pears" in the grease-grimed book, and spelled out slowly:--
"PEARS.--To dream of pears is in-di-ca-tive of great wealth (which
means riches, miss); and that you will rise to a much higher spear
than the one you at present occupy. To a woman they denote that she
will marry a person far above her in rank (lords and suchlike,
miss, if you please), and that she will live in great state. To
persons in trade they denote success and future prosperity and
eleviation. They also indi- indicate constancy in love and
happiness in the marriage state."
Her red cheeks grew redder with this exertion of scholarship, and I
burst out laughing. "Ah, miss," she cried in confusion, "laugh you may,
and that's what Sarah said to the Angel. But mark my words if something
of it don't hap out like what the book says."
"Then, Pollie," said I, "there's nothing for it but to open a butcher's
shop. For live in great state I can't and won't, not if the Prince of
Wales himself was to ask me in marriage."
"Lor, miss," retorted Pollie in shocked accents, "and him a married man
with grown-up sons and all." But she forgave me my mockery. As for the
Dream Book, doubtless young Bonaparte must often have dreamed of Pears
in Corsica; and no less indubitably have I lived in "great
state"--though without much eleviation.
But the day was hasting on. My toilet must be made, and the preparations
for our journey completed. Now that the dawn of my new fortunes was
risen, expectancy filled my mind, and the rain-freshened skies and
leaves of the morning renewed my spirits. Our train--the first in my
experience--was timed to leave our country railway station at 3.3 p.m.
By one o'clock, all the personal luggage that I was to take with me had
been sewn up in a square of canvas, and corded. The rest of my
belongings--my four-poster, etc.--were to be stowed in a large
packing-case and sent after me. First impressions endure. No great store
of sagacity was needed to tell me that. So I had chosen my clothes
carefully, determined to show my landlady that I meant to have my own
way and not be trifled with. My dear Mrs Bowater!--she would be amused
to hear that.
Pollie bustled downstairs. I stood in the midst of the sunlit,
dismantled room, light and shadow at play upon ceiling and walls, the
sun-pierced air a silvery haze of dust. A host of memories and thoughts,
like a procession in a dream, traversed my mind. A strangeness, too--as
if even this novel experience of farewell was a vague recollection
beyond defined recall. Pollie returned with the new hat in the paper bag
in which she had brought it from home: and I was her looking-glass when
she had put it on. Then from top to basement she carried me through
every room in the house, and there on the kitchen floor, mute witness of
the past, lay the beetle-gnawn remnant of my candle-stub. We wandered
through the garden, glinting green in the cool flocking sunbeams after
the rain; and already vaunting its escape from Man. Pollie was returning
to Lyndsey--I not! My heart was too full to let me linger by the water.
I gazed at the stones and the wild flowers in a sorrowful hunger of
farewell. Trifles, soon to be dying, how lovely they were. The thought
of it swallowed me up. What was the future but an emptiness? Would that
I might vanish away and be but a portion of the sweetness of the
morning. Even Pollie's imperturbable face wore the appearance of
make-believe; for an instant I surprised the whole image of me reflected
in her round blue eye.
The Waggetts' wagonette was at the door, but not--and I was
thankful--not _my_ Adam, but the old Adam, his father. My luggage was
pushed under the seat. I was set up, to be screened as far as possible
from the wind, beside Pollie and behind Mr Waggett--no stranger to me
with his neat, dark whiskers, for in the old days, at dinner parties, he
would wait at table. I see him now--as gentlemanlike as a Devil's
Coachhorse--entering the kitchen with his little black bag. Only once I
swiftly turned my head over my shoulder toward the house. Then we were
outside the iron gates, and bumping along through the puddles between
the bowery hedges towards the station.
I thought of my father and mother lying side by side, beyond the sullen
drift of nettles, under the churchyard wall. Miss Fenne had taken me
there many weeks before in her faded barouche with the gaunt white mare.
Not a word had I breathed to her of my anguish at sight of the
churchyard. The whole afternoon was a nightmare. She regaled the journey
with sentiments on death and the grave. Throughout it, I was in danger
of slipping out of her sight; for the buttons on the sage-green leather
seat were not only a discomfort but had failed to aid me to sit upright;
and nothing would have induced me to catch at the trimmings of her
dolman to save myself from actually falling off into the pit of her
carriage. There sat her ancient coachman; clutter-clutter plodded the
hoofs; what a monstrous, monstrous world--and she cackling on and
on--like a hen over its egg.
But now the novelty of this present experience, the flowery cottages, Mr
Waggett's square, sorrel nag, the ballooning northwesterly clouds, the
aromatic rusty hedgerows, the rooks in the cornfields--all these sights
and sounds called joy into my mind, and far too soon the bright-painted
railway station at the hill-bottom hove into sight, and our drive was
over. I was lifted down into Pollie's arms again. Then followed a
foolish chaffering over the tickets, which Mr Waggett had volunteered to
purchase for us at the rounded window. The looming face beyond had
caught sight of me, and the last words I heard bawled through for any to
hear were: "Lor, Mr Waggett, I'd make it a _quarter_ for 'ee if it was
within regulations. But 'tain't so, the young lady's full natural size
in the eye of the law, and I couldn't give in to 'ee not even if 'twas a
honeymooning you was after." No doubt it was wholesome to learn as
quickly as possible how easy a butt I was to be for the jests of the
good-humoured. On that occasion it was a bitter pill. I felt even Pollie
choke down a laugh into her bosom. My cheek whitened, but I said
nothing.
An enormous din at the moment shattered around me, ten thousand times
harsher to my nerves than any mere witticism could be. My first
"steam-monster" was entering the station. All but stunned by its
clatter, I barely had the presence of mind to thank Mr Waggett for the
little straw basket of three greengages, and the nosegay of cherry-pie
which he had thrust into my arms. My canvas-wrapped package was pushed
in under the seat, the door was slammed to, the guard waved his green
flag, Mr Waggett touched his hat: and our journey was begun.
Fortunately Pollie and I found ourselves in an empty carriage. The
scream of the whistle, the grinding jar of the wheels, the oppressive
odour of Mr Waggett's bouquet--I leaned back on her to recover my wits.
But the cool air blowing in on my face and a far-away sniff from a
little glass bottle with which her mother had fortified her for the
journey, quickly revived me, and I was free to enjoy the novelties of
steam-travel. My eyes dizzied at the wide revolving scene that was now
spread out beneath the feathery vapours. How strange it was to see the
green country world--meadow and stream and wooded hill--thus wheel
softly by. If Pollie and I could have shared it alone, it would have
been among my pleasantest memories.
But at the next stopping places other passengers climbed into the
carriage; and five complete strangers soon shared the grained wood box
in which we were enclosed. There was a lady in black, with her hair
smoothed up under her bonnet, and a long pale nose; and up against her
sat her little boy, a fine fair, staring child of about five years of
age. A black-clothed, fat little man with a rusty leather bag, over the
lock of which he kept clasped his finger and thumb, quietly seated
himself. He cast but one dark glance about him and immediately shut his
eyes. In the corner was an older man with a beard under his chin,
gaiters, and a hard, wide-brimmed hat. Besides these, there was a fat
countrywoman on the same side as Pollie and I, whom I could hear
breathing and could not see, and a dried-up, bird-eyed woman opposite in
a check shawl, with heavy metal ear-rings dangling at her ears. She sat
staring blankly and bleakly at things close as if they were at a
distance.
My spirit drank in this company. So rapt was I that I might have been a
stock of wood. Gathered together in this small space they had the
appearance of animals, and, if they had not been human, what very
alarming ones. As long as I merely sat and watched their habits I
remained unnoticed. But the afternoon sun streamed hot on roof and
windows: and the confined air was soon so dense with a variety of
odours, that once more my brain dizzied, and I must clutch at Pollie's
arm for support. At this movement the little boy, who had more than once
furtively glanced at me, crouched wriggling back against his mother,
and, edging his face aside, piped up into her ear, "Mamma, is that
alive?"
The train now stood motionless, a fine array of hollyhocks and
sunflowers flared beyond the window, and his voice rang out shrill as a
bird in the quiet of afternoon. Tiny points of heat broke out all over
me, as one by one my fellow passengers turned their astonished faces in
my direction. Even the man with the leather bag heard the question. The
small, bead-brown eyes wheeled from under their white lids and fixed me
with their stare.
"Hush, my dear," said the lady, no less intent but less open in her
survey; "hush, look at the pretty cows!"
"But she _is_, mamma. It moved. I saw that move," he asseverated,
looking along cornerwise at me out of his uptilted face.
Those blue eyes! a mingling of delight, horror, incredulity, even greed
swam in their shallow deeps. I stood leaning close to Pollie's bosom,
breathless and helpless, a fascinating object, no doubt. Never before
had I been transfixed like this in one congregated stare. I felt myself
gasp like a fish. It was the old farmer in the corner who at last came
to my rescue. "Alive! _I_ warrant. Eh, ma'am?" he appealed to poor
Pollie. "And an uncommon neat-fashioned young lady, too. Off to Whipham
Fair, I'll be bound."
The bag-man turned with a creeping grin on his tallowy features and
muttered some inaudible jest out of the corner of his mouth to the
gipsy. She eyed him fiercely, drawing her lips from her bright teeth in
a grimace more of contempt than laughter. Once more the engine hooted
and we glided on our way.
"I _want_ that, mamma," whispered the child. "I _want_ that dear little
lady. Give that teeny tiny lady a biscuit."
At this new sally universal merriment filled the carriage. We were
jogging along in fine style. This, then, was Miss Fenne's "network." A
helpless misery and bitterness swept through me, the heavy air swirled;
and then--whence, from whom, I know not--self-possession returned to me.
Why, I had _chosen_ my fate: I must hold my own.
My young admirer, much against his mother's inclination, had managed to
fetch out a biscuit from her reticule--a star-shaped thing, graced with
a cone of rose-tinted sugar. Still crouching back like a chick under her
wing, he stretched his bribe out at arm's length towards me, in a pink,
sweat-sparked hand. All this while Pollie had sat like a lump beside me,
clutching her basket, a vacant, flushed smile on her round face. I drew
myself up, and supporting myself by her wicker basket, advanced with all
the dignity at my command to the peak of her knees, and, stretching out
my hand in return, accepted the gift. I even managed to make him an
indulgent little bow, feigned a nibble at the lump of food, then planted
it on the dusty ledge beneath the carriage window.
A peculiar silence followed. With a long sigh the child hid his face in
his mother's sleeve. She drew him closer and smiled carefully into
nothingness. "There," she murmured, "now mother's treasure must sit
still and be a good boy. I can't think why papa didn't
take--second-class tickets."
"But nor did that kind little lady's papa," returned the child stoutly.
The kindly old farmer continued to gloat on me, gnarled hands on knees.
But I could not bear it. I quietly surveyed him until he was compelled
to rub his face with his fingers, and so cover its retreat to his own
window. The gipsy woman kept her ferocious, birdlike stare on me, with
an occasional stealthy glance at Pollie. The bag-man's lids closed down.
For the rest of the journey--though passengers came and went--I kept
well back, and was left in peace. It was my first real taste of the
world's curiosity, mockery, aversion, and flattery. One practical lesson
it taught me. From that day forward I never set out on any such journey
unless thickly veiled. For then, though the inquisitive may see me, they
cannot tell whether or not I see them, or what my feelings may be. It is
a real comfort; though, from what I have read, it appears to be the
condition rather of a ghost than of a normal young lady.
But now the sun had begun to descend and the rays of evening to stain
the fields. We loitered on from station to station. To my relief Pollie
had at last munched her way through the pasties and sweetmeats stowed in
her basket. My nosegay of cherry-pie was fainting for want of water. In
heavy sleep the bag-man and gipsy sat woodenly nodding and jerking side
by side. The lady had delicately composed her face and shut her eyes.
The little boy slumbered serenely with his small red mouth wide open.
Languid and heavy, I dared not relax my vigilance. But in the desolation
that gathered over me I almost forgot my human company, and returned to
the empty house which seemingly I had left for ever--the shadows of yet
another nightfall already lengthening over its flowers and sward.
Could I not hear the silken rustle of the evening primrose unfolding her
petals? Soon the cool dews would be falling on the stones where I was
wont to sit in reverie beside the flowing water. It seemed indeed that
my self had slipped from my body, and hovered entranced amid the
thousand jargonings of its tangled lullaby. Was there, in truth, a
wraith in me that could so steal out; and were the invisible inhabitants
in their fortresses beside my stream conscious of its presence among
them, and as happy in my spectral company as I in theirs?
I floated up out of these ruminations to find that my young pasha had
softly awakened and was gazing at me in utter incredulity from
sleep-gilded eyes. We exchanged a still, protracted, dwelling smile, and
for the only time in my life I actually _saw_ a fellow-creature fall in
love!
"Oh, but mamma, mamma, I do _beseech_ you," he called up at her from the
platform where he was taking his last look at me through the dingy
oblong window, "please, please, I want her for mine; I want her for
mine!"
I held up his biscuit in my hand, laughing and nodding. The whistle
knelled, our narrow box drew slowly out of the station. As if
heartbroken, he took his last look at me, petulantly flinging aside his
mother's hand. He had lost me for ever, and Pollie and I were alone
again.