The shrill pipes and whining reeds had been warming up for an hour when
Retief emerged from his cubicle and descended the stairs to the banquet
hall.
Standing by the open doors, he lit a slender cigar and watched through
narrowed eyes as obsequious servants in black flitted along the low wide
corridor, carrying laden trays into the broad room, arranging settings
on a great four-sided table forming a hollow square that almost filled
the room. Rich brocades were spread across the center of the side
nearest the door, flanked by heavily decorated white cloths. Beyond,
plain white extended to the far side, where metal dishes were arranged
on the bare table top.
A richly dressed Yill approached, stepped aside to allow a servant to
pass and entered the room.
Retief turned at the sound of Terran voices behind him. The ambassador
came up, trailed by two diplomats. He glanced at Retief, adjusted his
ruff and looked into the banquet hall.
"Apparently we're to be kept waiting again," he muttered. "After having
been informed at the outset that the Yill have no intention of yielding
an inch, one almost wonders...."
"Mr. Ambassador," Retief said. "Have you noticed----"
"However," Ambassador Spradley said, eyeing Retief, "a seasoned
diplomatist must take these little snubs in stride. In the end---- Ah,
there, Magnan." He turned away, talking.
Somewhere a gong clanged.
In a moment, the corridor was filled with chattering Yill who moved past
the group of Terrestrials into the banquet hall. P'Toi, the Yill
interpreter, came up and raised a hand.
"Waitt heere...."
More Yill filed into the dining room to take their places. A pair of
helmeted guards approached, waving the Terrestrials back. An immense
gray-jowled Yill waddled to the doors and passed through, followed by
more guards.
"The Chief of State," Retief heard Magnan say. "The Admirable
F'Kau-Kau-Kau."
"I have yet to present my credentials," Ambassador Spradley said. "One
expects some latitude in the observances of protocol, but I confess...."
He wagged his head.
The Yill interpreter spoke up.
"You now whill lhie on yourr intesstinss, and creep to fesstive board
there." He pointed across the room.
"Intestines?" Ambassador Spradley looked about wildly.
"Mr. P'Toi means our stomachs, I wouldn't wonder," Magnan said. "He just
wants us to lie down and crawl to our seats, Mr. Ambassador."
"What the devil are you grinning at, you idiot?" the ambassador snapped.
* * * * *
Magnan's face fell.
Spradley glanced down at the medals across his paunch.
"This is.... I've never...."
"Homage to godss," the interpreter said.
"Oh. Oh, religion," someone said.
"Well, if it's a matter of religious beliefs...." The ambassador looked
dubiously around.
"Golly, it's only a couple of hundred feet," Magnan offered.
Retief stepped up to P'Toi.
"His Excellency the Terrestrial Ambassador will not crawl," he said
clearly.
"Here, young man! I said nothing----"
"Not to crawl?" The interpreter wore an unreadable Yill expression.
"It is against our religion," Retief said.
"Againsst?"
"We are votaries of the Snake Goddess," Retief said. "It is a sacrilege
to crawl." He brushed past the interpreter and marched toward the
distant table.
The others followed.
Puffing, the ambassador came to Retief's side as they approached the
dozen empty stools on the far side of the square opposite the brocaded
position of the Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau.
"Mr. Retief, kindly see me after this affair," he hissed. "In the
meantime, I hope you will restrain any further rash impulses. Let me
remind you _I_ am chief of mission here."
Magnan came up from behind.
"Let me add my congratulations, Retief," he said. "That was fast
thinking----"
"Are you out of your mind, Magnan?" the ambassador barked. "I am
extremely displeased!"
"Why," Magnan stuttered, "I was speaking sarcastically, of course, Mr.
Ambassador. Didn't you notice the kind of shocked little gasp I gave
when he did it?"
The Terrestrials took their places, Retief at the end. The table before
them was of bare green wood, with an array of shallow pewter dishes.
Some of the Yill at the table were in plain gray, others in black. All
eyed them silently. There was a constant stir among them as one or
another rose and disappeared and others sat down. The pipes and reeds
were shrilling furiously, and the susurration of Yillian conversation
from the other tables rose ever higher in competition.
A tall Yill in black was at the ambassador's side now. The nearby Yill
fell silent as he began ladling a whitish soup into the largest of the
bowls before the Terrestrial envoy. The interpreter hovered, watching.
"That's quite enough," Ambassador Spradley said, as the bowl overflowed.
The Yill servant rolled his eyes, dribbled more of the soup into the
bowl.
"Kindly serve the other members of my staff," the ambassador said. The
interpreter said something in a low voice. The servant moved hesitantly
to the next stool and ladled more soup.
* * * * *
Retief watched, listening to the whispers around him. The Yill at the
table were craning now to watch. The soup ladler was ladling rapidly,
rolling his eyes sideways. He came to Retief, reached out with the full
ladle for the bowl.
"No," Retief said.
The ladler hesitated.
"None for me," Retief said.
The interpreter came up and motioned to the servant, who reached again,
ladle brimming.
"I ... DON'T ... LIKE ... IT!" Retief said, his voice distinct in the
sudden hush. He stared at the interpreter, who stared back, then waved
the servant away.
"Mr. Retief!" a voice hissed.
Retief looked down at the table. The ambassador was leaning forward,
glaring at him, his face a mottled crimson.
"I'm warning you, Mr. Retief," he said hoarsely. "I've eaten sheep's
eyes in the Sudan, ka swe in Burma, hundred-year _cug_ on Mars and
everything else that has been placed before me in the course of my
diplomatic career. And, by the holy relics of Saint Ignatz, you'll do
the same!" He snatched up a spoon-like utensil and dipped it into his
bowl.
"Don't eat that, Mr. Ambassador," Retief said.
The ambassador stared, eyes wide. He opened his mouth, guided the spoon
toward it----
Retief stood, gripped the table under its edge and heaved. The immense
wooden slab rose and tilted, dishes sliding. It crashed to the floor
with a ponderous slam.
Whitish soup splattered across the terrazzo. A couple of odd bowls
rolled across the room. Cries rang out from the Yill, mingling with a
strangled yell from Ambassador Spradley.
Retief walked past the wild-eyed members of the mission to the
sputtering chief. "Mr. Ambassador," he said. "I'd like----"
"You'd like! I'll break you, you young hoodlum! Do you realize----"
"Pleass...." The interpreter stood at Retief's side.
"My apologies," Ambassador Spradley said, mopping his forehead. "My
profound apologies."
"Be quiet," Retief said.
"Wha--what?"
"Don't apologize," Retief said. P'Toi was beckoning.
"Pleasse, arll come."
Retief turned and followed him.
The portion of the table they were ushered to was covered with an
embroidered white cloth, set with thin porcelain dishes. The Yill
already seated there rose, amid babbling, and moved down the table. The
black-clad Yill at the end table closed ranks to fill the vacant seats.
Retief sat down and found Magnan at his side.
"What's going on here?" the second secretary said angrily.
"They were giving us dog food," Retief said. "I overheard a Yill. They
seated us at the bottom of the servants' table----"
"You mean you know their language?"
"I learned it on the way out. Enough, at least."
The music burst out with a clangorous fanfare, and a throng of jugglers,
dancers and acrobats poured into the center of the hollow square,
frantically juggling, dancing and back-flipping. Black-clad servants
swarmed suddenly, heaping mounds of fragrant food on the plates of Yill
and Terrestrials alike, pouring a pale purple liquor into slender
glasses. Retief sampled the Yill food. It was delicious.
Conversation was impossible in the din. He watched the gaudy display and
ate heartily.