You have asked me to give you an account of my illness as it seems to
me now that I am myself and well; describing myself in those changes
of personality which we have called “A” and “B.”
It is always difficult for one to analyze one’s self accurately and
the conditions have been very complex. I think, however, that I have a
clear conception and appreciation of my case. I remember myself
perfectly as “A” and as “B.” I remember my thoughts, my feelings, and
my points of view in each personality, and can see where they are the
same and where they depart from my normal self. These points of view
will appear as we go on and I feel sure that my memory can be trusted.
I recall clearly how in each state I regarded the other state and how
in each I regarded myself.
As I have said, I have now, as “C,” all the memories of both states
(though none of the co-conscious life which, as B, I claimed and
believed I had). _These memories are clearly differentiated in my
mind._[270] It would be impossible to confuse the two as the moods
which governed each were so absolutely different, but it is quite
another thing to make them distinct on paper. I have, however, been so
constantly under your observation that you can, no doubt, correct any
statement I may make which is not borne out by your own knowledge.
I am, perhaps, of a somewhat emotional nature, and have never been
very strong physically though nothing of an invalid. I have always
been self-controlled and not at all hysterical, as I would use the
word. On the contrary, I was, I am sure, considered a very sensible
woman by those who know me well, though I am not so sure what they may
think of me now. I am, however, very sensitive and responsive to
impressions in the sense that I am easily affected by my environment.
For instance, at the theatre I lose myself in the play and feel keenly
all the emotions portrayed by the actors. _These emotions are
reflected vividly in my face and manner sometimes to the amusement of
those with me and, if the scene is a painful one, it often takes me a
long time to recover from the effect of it. The same is true of scenes
from actual life._[271]
Before this disintegration took place I had borne great responsibility
and great sorrow with what I think I am justified in calling
fortitude, and I do not think the facts of my previous life would
warrant the assumption that I was naturally nervously unstable. It
does not carry great weight, I know, for one to say of one’s self,—I
am sensible, I am stable, I am not hysterical,—but I believe the
statement can be corroborated by the testimony of those who have known
me through my years of trial. The point I wish to make is that my case
shows that such an illness as I have had is possible to a
constitutionally stable person and is not confined to those of an
hysterical tendency.
A year previous to this division of personality a long nervous strain,
covering a period of four years, had culminated in the death of one
very dear to me—my husband. I was, at the end of that period, in good
physical health, though nervously worn, but this death occurred in
such a way as to cause me a great shock, and within the six days
following I lost twenty pounds in weight. For nearly three months I
went almost entirely without food, seemingly not eating enough to
sustain life. I did not average more than three or four hours’ sleep
out of the twenty-four, but I felt neither hungry nor faint, and was
extremely busy and active, being absorbed both by home
responsibilities and business affairs. The end of the year (5 years
after the beginning of my husband’s illness), however, found me in
very poor health physically and I was nervously and mentally
exhausted. I was depressed, sad, felt that I had lost all that made
life worth living and, indeed, I wished to die. I was very nervous,
unable to eat or sleep, easily fatigued, suffered constantly from
headache, to which I had always been subject, and was not able to take
much exercise. The physician under whose care I was at this time told
me, when I asked him to give my condition a name, that I was suffering
from “nervous and cerebral exhaustion.”
_It was at this time that the shock which caused the division of
personality occurred_ [_resulting_ in period III].
Although this last statement is true so far as concerns the complete
dissociation of personality which resulted in the birth of an
independent alternating personality, the first beginning of the genesis
of that personality can be traced back to a far earlier period when she
was about twenty years of age, that is to say _nineteen years before the
final cleavage. These beginnings were an embryonic cluster or unitary
complex of rebellious ideas, “floating thoughts, impulses, desires,
inclinations” and intense feelings which came into being at this early
period in consequence of an emotional trauma._
I propose to trace in the course of this study, first, the gradual
growth by successive syntheses of this rebellious cluster with other
idea-clusters during a period of _fourteen_ years.
Second, its incubation, organization and segregation from the main
personality during a second period of _five_ years as a fairly well
defined unitary complex known as the _B complex_.
Third, the culmination of the incubating process and, as the result of
an emotional shock, final bursting into flower of the B complex as the
_B personality_ (i.e., nineteen years from the time of the beginning of
disaggregation through rebellious thoughts).
Fourth, the reversion to the original personality, but now one so
disintegrated, shorn and shattered by the segregation of the autonomous
B complex and of certain instincts as to be a so-called secondary
disintegrated _personality_, _A_.
Fifth, the alternation of these two strongly contrasted abnormal
personalities.
Finally, the reintegration of the two abnormal personalities into one
normal original personality, C.
In following the evolution of the personalities my main purpose will be
to bring to light the psychological forces which brought about the
disaggregation, on the one hand, and the synthetic construction of the
new personal systems, on the other. The following arrangement of these
changes in the personality by periods will be convenient for
reference.[272]
Period I. From wedding to beginning of husband’s illness
(14 years) characterized by a group of
rebellious ideas.
Period II. During husband’s illness (4 years) and one year
thereafter (5 years), characterized by B
_complex_ and terminating with shock.
Period III. Beginning with shock, characterized by B
_personality_ and terminating one month later
by another shock in
Period IV. _Personality_ A, plus B complex, lasting one
week, followed by
Period V. Characterized by alternations of A and B
personalities and lasting several years until
reintegrated in original normal personality,
C.
All these changes from period I to IV inclusive were caused by emotional
shocks awakened by a common factor in closely associated situations. In
period IV the A personality had no amnesia for personality B. This
amnesia developed in period V.