* * * * *
White's Chocolate-house, June 25.
Having taken upon me to cure all the distempers which proceed from
affections of the mind, I have laboured since I first kept this public
stage, to do all the good I could possibly, and have perfected many
cures at my own lodging; carefully avoiding the common method of
mountebanks, to do their most eminent operations in sight of the people;
but must be so just to my patients as to declare, they have testified
under their hands their sense of my poor abilities, and the good I have
done them, which I publish for the benefit of the world, and not out of
any thoughts of private advantage. I have cured fine Mrs. Spy of a great
imperfection in her eyes, which made her eternally rolling them from one
coxcomb to another in public places, in so languishing a manner, that it
at once lessened her own power, and her beholder's vanity. Twenty drops
of my ink, placed in certain letters on which she attentively looked for
half an hour, have restored her to the true use of her sight; which is,
to guide, and not mislead us. Ever since she took this liquor, which I
call Bickerstaff's Circumspection Water, she looks right forward, and
can bear being looked at for half a day without returning one glance.
This water has a peculiar virtue in it, which makes it the only true
cosmetic or beauty wash in the world: the nature of it is such, that if
you go to a glass, with design to admire your face, it immediately
changes it into downright deformity. If you consult it only to look
with a better countenance upon your friends, it immediately gives an
alacrity to the visage, and new grace to the whole person. There is
indeed a great deal owing to the constitution of the person to whom it
is applied: it is in vain to give it when the patient is in the rage of
the distemper; a bride in her first month, a lady soon after her
husband's being knighted, or any person of either sex who has lately
obtained any new good fortune or preferment, must be prepared some time
before they use it. It has an effect upon others, as well as the
patient, when it is taken in due form. Lady Petulant has by the use of
it cured her husband of jealousy, and Lady Gad her whole neighbourhood
of detraction. The fame of these things, added to my being an old
fellow, makes me extremely acceptable to the fair sex. You would hardly
believe me, when I tell you there is not a man in town so much their
delight as myself. They make no more of visiting me, than going to Madam
d'Epingle's.[337] There were two of them, namely, Damia and Clidamira (I
assure you women of distinction) who came to see me this morning in
their way to prayers, and being in a very diverting humour as (innocence
always makes people cheerful) they would needs have me, according to the
distinction of "pretty" and "very pretty" fellows, inform them if I
thought either of them had a title to the "very pretty" among those of
their own sex; and if I did, which was the more deserving of the two. To
put them to the trial, "Look ye," said I, "I must not rashly give my
judgment in matters of this importance; pray let me see you dance: I
play upon the kit."[338] They immediately fell back to the lower end of
the room (you may be sure they curtsied low enough to me): and began.
Never were two in the world so equally matched, and both scholars to my
namesake Isaac.[339] Never was man in so dangerous a condition as
myself, when they began to expand their charms. "O! ladies, ladies,"
cried I, "not half that air, you'll fire the house." Both smiled; for
by-the bye, there's no carrying a metaphor too far, when a lady's charms
are spoken of. Somebody, I think, has called a fine woman dancing, a
brandished torch of beauty.[340] These rivals moved with such an
agreeable freedom, that you would believe their gesture was the
necessary effect of the music, and not the product of skill and
practice. Now Clidamira came on with a crowd of graces, and demanded my
judgment with so sweet an air--and she had no sooner carried it, but
Damia made her utterly forgot by a gentle sinking, and a rigadoon
step.[341] The contest held a full half-hour; and I protest, I saw no
manner of difference in their perfections, till they came up together,
and expected my sentence. "Look ye, ladies," said I, "I see no
difference in the least in your performance; but you Clidamira seem to
be so well satisfied that I shall determine for you, that I must give it
to Damia, who stands with so much diffidence and fear, after showing an
equal merit to what she pretends to. Therefore, Clidamira, you are a
'pretty'; but, Damia, you are a 'very pretty' lady. For," said I,
"beauty loses its force, if not accompanied with modesty. She that has a
humble opinion of herself, will have everybody's applause, because she
does not expect it; while the vain creature loses approbation through
too great a sense of deserving it."
From my own Apartment, June 27.
Being of a very spare and hective constitution, I am forced to make
frequent journeys of a mile or two for fresh air; and indeed by this
last, which was no further than the village of Chelsea, I am farther
convinced of the necessity of travelling to know the world. For as it is
usual with young voyagers, as soon as they land upon a shore, to begin
their accounts of the nature of the people, their soil, their
government, their inclinations, and their passions, so really I fancied
I could give you an immediate description of this village, from the Five
Fields,[342] where the robbers lie in wait, to the coffee-house where
the _literati_ sit in council. A great ancestor of ours by the mother's
side, Mr. Justice Overdo (whose history is written by Ben Jonson),[343]
met with more enormities by walking _incog._ than he was capable of
correcting; and found great mortifications in observing also persons of
eminence, whom he before knew nothing of. Thus it fared with me, even in
a place so near the town as this. When I came into the
coffee-house,[344] I had not time to salute the company, before my eye
was diverted by ten thousand gimcracks round the room and on the
ceiling. When my first astonishment was over, comes to me a sage of a
thin and meagre countenance; which aspect made me doubt, whether reading
or fretting had made it so philosophic: but I very soon perceived him to
be of that sect which the ancients call Gingivistæ,[345] in our
language, tooth-drawers. I immediately had a respect for the man; for
these practical philosophers go upon a very rational hypothesis, not to
cure, but take away the part affected. My love of mankind made me very
benevolent to Mr. Salter, for such is the name of this eminent barber
and antiquary. Men are usually, but unjustly, distinguished rather by
their fortunes, than their talents, otherwise this personage would make
a great figure in that class of men which I distinguish under the title
of Odd Fellows. But it is the misfortune of persons of great genius, to
have their faculties dissipated by attention to too many things at once.
Mr. Salter is an instance of this: if he would wholly give himself up to
the string,[346] instead of playing twenty beginnings to tunes, he might
before he dies play "Roger de Caubly"[347] quite out. I heard him go
through his whole round, and indeed I think he does play the "Merry
Christ-Church Bells"[348] pretty justly; but he confessed to me, he did
that rather to show he was orthodox, than that he valued himself upon
the music itself. Or if he did proceed in his anatomy, why might not he
hope in time to cut off legs, as well as draw teeth? The particularity
of this man put me into a deep thought, whence it should proceed, that
of all the lower order barbers should go farther in hitting the
ridiculous, than any other set of men. Watermen brawl, cobblers sing;
but why must a barber be for ever a politician, a musician, an
anatomist, a poet, and a physician? The learned Vossus says,[349] his
barber used to comb his head in iambics. And indeed in all ages, one of
this useful profession, this order of cosmetic philosophers, has been
celebrated by the most eminent hands. You see the barber in "Don
Quixote,"[350] is one of the principal characters in the history, which
gave me satisfaction in the doubt, why Don Saltero writ his name with a
Spanish termination: for he is descended in a right line, not from John
Tradescant,[351] as he himself asserts, but from that memorable
companion of the Knight of Mancha. And I hereby certify all the worthy
citizens who travel to see his rarities, that his double-barrelled
pistols, targets, coats of mail, his sclopeta,[352] and sword of
Toledo,[353] were left to his ancestor by the said Don Quixote, and by
the said ancestor to all his progeny down to Don Saltero. Though I go
thus far in favour of Don Saltero's great merit, I cannot allow a
liberty he takes of imposing several names (without my licence) on the
collections he has made, to the abuse of the good people of England; one
of which is particularly calculated to deceive religious persons, to the
great scandal of the well disposed, and may introduce heterodox
opinions. He shows you a straw hat, which I know to be made by Madge
Peskad, within three miles of Bedford; and tells you, it is Pontius
Pilate's wife's chamber-maid's sister's hat. To my knowledge of this
very hat, it may be added, that the covering of straw was never used
among the Jews, since it was demanded of them to make bricks without it.
Therefore this is really nothing, but under the specious pretence of
learning and antiquity, to impose upon the world. There are other things
which I cannot tolerate among his rarities; as, the china figure of a
lady in the glass case; the Italian engine for the imprisonment of those
who go abroad with it: both which I hereby order to be taken down, or
else he may expect to have his letters patents for making punch
superseded, be debarred wearing his muff next winter, or ever coming to
London without his wife.[354] It may perhaps be thought I have dwelt too
long upon the affairs of this operator; but I desire the reader to
remember, that it is my way to consider men as they stand in merit, and
not according to their fortune or figure; and if he is in a coffee-house
at the reading hereof, let him look round, and he will find there may be
more characters drawn in this account than that of Don Saltero; for half
the politicians about him, he may observe, are, by their place in
nature, of the class of tooth-drawers.
[Footnote 337: See p. 273, note.]
[Footnote 338: A small violin or fiddle. See No. 160.]
[Footnote 339: A dancing-master, who either was French, or pretended to
be so. See No. 109.]
[Footnote 340: A song of Waller's begins:
"Behold the brand of beauty tost!
See, how the motion doth dilate the flame!"
(Dobson).
]
[Footnote 341: The rigadoon was a dance for two persons. Cf. _Guardian_,
No. 154: "We danced a rigadoon together."]
[Footnote 342: On the site of Eaton and Belgrave Squares. See
_Spectator_, No. 137: "The Five Fields towards Chelsea."]
[Footnote 343: In "Bartholomew Fair," act ii. sc. i. Overdo went to the
Fair in disguise, and being mistaken for a cutpurse, was well beaten.]
[Footnote 344: Salter, a barber, opened a coffee-house in Cheyne Walk,
Chelsea, in 1695. Sir Harry Sloane, whose servant he had been, gave him
some curiosities to start a museum. Others, including Admiral Munden and
his fellow-officers, added to the collection, and the first catalogue
appeared in 1729. The more startling curiosities were, of course, not
genuine. The remains of the collection were sold in 1799 for about £50.
A view of Salter's house will be found in Timbs' "Clubs and Club Life in
London." Verses of a more or less coarse nature by Don Saltero appeared
not unfrequently in the "British Apollo," in 1709.]
[Footnote 345: From "gingiva," the gum.]
[Footnote 346: Salter played very badly on the fiddle.]
[Footnote 347: "Sir Roger de Coverley," the famous country-dance tune.]
[Footnote 348: By Dr. Henry Aldrich, Dean of Christ Church, Oxford,
where Steele matriculated.]
[Footnote 349: "De Poematum cantu, et viribus Rythmi," 1673.]
[Footnote 350: Master Nicholas. See "Don Quixote," chap. v.]
[Footnote 351: There were two John Tradescants (father and son) who
collected objects of natural history. Their collection formed the
foundation of the Ashmolean Museum at Oxford. The "Museum
Tradescantianum: or, A Collection of Rarities preserved at South
Lambeth, near London, by John Tradescant," contains interesting
portraits of both John Tradescant, senior, and John Tradescant, junior,
as well as a plate of the Tradescant arms.]
[Footnote 352: A sclopeta or sclopetta was a hand-gun used by
Spaniards.]
[Footnote 353: Toledo was famous for its sword-blades.]
[Footnote 354: Salter had an old grey muff, which he clapped constantly
to his nose, and by which he was distinguishable at the distance of a
quarter of a mile. His wife was none of the best, being much addicted to
scolding.-(Nichols.)]
No. 35. [STEELE.
From _Tuesday, June 28_, to _Thursday, June 30_, 1709.
* * * * *
Grecian Coffee-house, June 28.
There is a habit or custom which I have put my patience to the utmost
stretch to have suffered so long, because several of my intimate friends
are in the guilt; and that is, the humour of taking snuff, and looking
dirty about the mouth by way of ornament. My method is to dive to the
bottom of a sore before I pretend to apply a remedy. For this reason, I
sat by an eminent story-teller and politician who takes half an ounce in
five seconds, and has mortgaged a pretty tenement near the town, merely
to improve and dung his brains with this prolific powder. I observed
this gentleman the other day in the midst of a story diverted from it by
looking at something at a distance, and I softly hid his box. But he
returns to his tale, and looking for his box, he cries, "And so, sir--"
Then when he should have taken a pinch, "As I was saying," says he--"Has
nobody seen my box?" His friend beseeches him to finish his narration.
Then he proceeds, "And so, sir--Where can my box be?" Then, turning to
me, "Pray, sir, did you see my box?" "Yes, sir," said I, "I took it to
see how long you could live without it." He resumes his tale; and I took
notice, that his dulness was much more regular and fluent than before. A
pinch supplied the place of, "As I was saying," "And so, sir"; and he
went on currently enough in that style which the learned call the
insipid. This observation easily led me into a philosophic reason for
taking snuff, which is done only to supply with sensations the want of
reflection. This I take to be an Ἕυρηκα [Heurêka], a nostrum; upon which
I hope to receive the thanks of this board. For as it is natural to lift
a man's hand to a sore, when you fear anything coming at you; so when a
person feels his thoughts are run out, and has no more to say, it is as
natural to supply his weak brain with powder at the nearest place of
access, viz., the nostrils. This is so evident, that nature suggests the
use according to the indigence of the persons who use this medicine,
without being prepossessed with the force of fashion or custom. For
example; the native Hibernians, who are reckoned not much unlike the
ancient Bœotians, take this specific for emptiness in the head, in
greater abundance than any other nation under the sun. The learned
Sotus, as sparing as he is in his words, would be still more silent if
it were not for this powder. But however low and poor the taking snuff
argues a man to be in his own stock of thought, or means to employ his
brains and his fingers, yet there is a poorer creature in the world than
he, and this is a borrower of snuff; a fellow that keeps no box of his
own, but is always asking others for a pinch. Such poor rogues put me
always in mind of a common phrase among schoolboys when they are
composing their exercise, who run to an upper scholar, and cry, "Pray
give me a little sense." But of all things, commend me to the ladies who
are got into this pretty help to discourse.[355] I have been this three
years persuading Sagissa[356] to leave it off; but she talks so much,
and is so learned, that she is above contradiction. However, an
accident the other day brought that about, which my eloquence never
could accomplish: she had a very pretty fellow in her closet, who ran
thither to avoid some company that came to visit her. She made an excuse
to go in to him for some implement they were talking of. Her eager
gallant snatched a kiss; but being unused to snuff, some grains from off
her upper lip made him sneeze aloud, which alarmed the visitants, and
has made a discovery, that profound reading, very much intelligence, and
a general knowledge of who and who's together, cannot fill up her vacant
hours so much, but that she is sometimes obliged to descend to
entertainments less intellectual.
White's Chocolate-house, June 29.
I know no manner of news for this place, but that Cynthio, having been
long in despair for the inexorable Clarissa, lately resolved to fall in
love the good old way of bargain and sale, and has pitched upon a very
agreeable young woman.[357] He will undoubtedly succeed; for he accosts
her in a strain of familiarity, without breaking through the deference
that is due to woman whom a man would choose for his life. I have hardly
ever heard rough truth spoken with a better grace than in this his
letter.[358]
"MADAM,
"I writ to you on Saturday by Mrs. Lucy, and give you this trouble to
urge the same request I made then, which was, that I may be admitted to
wait upon you. I should be very far from desiring this, if it were a
transgression of the most severe rules to allow it: I know you are very
much above the little arts which are frequent in your sex, of giving
unnecessary torments to their admirers; therefore hope, you'll do so
much justice to the generous passion I have for you, as to let me have
an opportunity of acquainting you upon what motives I pretend to your
good opinion. I shall not trouble you with my sentiments, till I know
how they will be received; and as I know no reason why difference of sex
should make our language to each other differ from the ordinary rules of
right reason, I shall affect plainness and sincerity in my discourse to
you, as much as other lovers do perplexity and rapture. Instead of
saying, 'I shall die for you,' I profess I should be glad to lead my
life with you: you are as beautiful, as witty, as prudent, and as
good-humoured, as any woman breathing; but I must confess to you, I
regard all these excellences as you will please to direct them, for my
happiness or misery. With me, madam, the only lasting motive to love is
the hope of its becoming mutual. I beg of you to let Mrs. Lucy send me
word when I may attend you. I promise you, I'll talk of nothing but
indifferent things; though at the same time I know not how I shall
approach you in the tender moment of first seeing you, after this
declaration, of,
"Madam,
"Your most obedient,
"And most faithful
"Humble Servant, &c."
Will's Coffee-house, June 29.
Having taken a resolution when plays are acted next winter by an entire
good company, to publish observations from time to time on the
performance of the actors, I think it but just to give an abstract of
the law of action, for the help of the less learned part of the
audience, that they may rationally enjoy so refined and instructive a
pleasure as a just representation of human life. The great errors in
playing are admirably well exposed in Hamlet's direction to the
actors[359] who are to play in his supposed tragedy; by which we shall
form our future judgments on their behaviour, and for that reason you
have the discourse as follows:
"Speak the speech as I pronounce it to you, trippingly on the tongue;
but if you mouth it, as many of our players do, I had as lieve the
town-crier had spoke my lines: nor do not saw the air too much with your
hand thus; but use all gently: for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as
I may say, the whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and beget a
temperance that may give it smoothness. Oh! it offends me to the soul,
to see a robustious periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to
very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings, who (for the most part)
are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows and noise. I could
have such a fellow whipped for overdoing termagant: it out-Herods Herod.
Be not too tame neither; but let your own discretion be your tutor: suit
the action to the word, the word to the action; with this special
observance, that you overstep not the modesty of nature; for anything so
overdone, is from the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first
and now, was, and is, to hold as it were the mirror up to Nature; to
show Virtue her own feature; scorn her own image; and the very age and
body of the time its form and pressure. Now this overdone, or come tardy
off, though it make the unskilful laugh, cannot but make the judicious
grieve. The censures of which one, must, in your allowance, oversway a
whole theatre of others. Oh! there be players, that I have seen play,
and heard others praise, and that highly (not to speak it profanely),
that neither having the accent of Christian, Pagan, or Norman, have so
strutted and bellowed, that I have thought some of Nature's journeymen
had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so
abominably. This should be reformed altogether; and let those that play
your clowns, speak no more than is set down for them: for there be of
them that will of themselves laugh, to set on some quantity of barren
spectators to laugh too; though in the meantime, some necessary question
of the play be then to be considered; that is villanous, and shows a
most pitiful ambition in the fool that uses it."
From my own Apartment, June 29.
It would be a very great obligation, and an assistance to my treatise
upon Punning,[360] if any one would please to inform in what class,
among the learned who play with words, to place the author of the
following letter.[361]
"Sir,
"Not long since you were pleased to give us a chimerical account of the
famous family of Staffs,[362] from whence I suppose you would insinuate,
that it is the most ancient and numerous house in all Europe. But I
positively deny that it is either; and wonder much at your audacious
proceedings in this matter, since it is well known, that our most
illustrious, most renowned, and most celebrated Roman family of Ix, has
enjoyed the precedency to all others from the reign of good old Saturn.
I could say much to the defamation and disgrace of your family; as, that
your relations Distaff and Broomstaff were both inconsiderate mean
persons, one spinning, the other sweeping the streets, for their daily
bread. But I forbear to vent my spleen on objects so much beneath my
indignation. I shall only give the world a catalogue of my ancestors,
and leave them to determine which hath hitherto had, and which for the
future ought to have, the preference.
"First then comes the most famous and popular Lady Meretrix, parent of
the fertile family of Bellatrix, Lotrix, Netrix, Nutrix, Obstetrix,
Famulatrix, Coctrix, Ornatrix, Sarcinatrix, Fextrix, Balneatrix,
Portatrix, Saltatrix, Divinatrix, Conjectrix, Comtrix, Debitrix,
Creditrix, Donatrix, Ambulatrix, Mercatrix, Adsectrix, Assectatrix,
Palpatrix, Præceptrix, Pistrix.
"I am yours,
"ELIZ. POTATRIX."
St. James's Coffee-house, June 29.
Letters from Brussels of the 2nd of July, N.S., say, that the Duke of
Marlborough and Prince Eugene having received advice, that the Marshal
Villars had drawn a considerable body out of the garrison of Tournay to
reinforce his army, marched towards that place, and came before it early
in the morning of the 27th. As soon as they came into that ground, the
Prince of Nassau was sent with a strong detachment to take post at St.
Amand; and at the same time my Lord Orkney received orders to possess
himself of Mortagne; both which were successfully executed; whereby we
are masters of the Scheldt and the Scarp. Eight men were drawn out of
each troop of dragoons and company of foot in the garrison of Tournay,
to make up the reinforcement which was ordered to join Marshal Villars;
but upon advice that the Allies were marching towards Tournay, they
endeavoured to return into the town; but were intercepted by the Earl of
Orkney, by whom that whole body was killed or taken. These letters add,
that 1200 dragoons (each horseman carrying a foot-soldier behind him)
were detached from Mons to throw themselves into Tournay; but upon
appearance of a great body of horse of the Allies, retired towards
Condé. We hear, that the garrison does not consist of more than 3500
men. Of the sixty battalions designed to be employed in this siege,
seven [_sic_] are English, viz., two of Guards, and the regiments of
Argyle, Temple, Evans and Meredith.
[Footnote 355: See Nos. 79, 140; and Swift's "Journal to Stella," Nov.
3, 1711. A correspondent begged the _Spectator_ (No. 344) to "take
notice of an impertinent custom the women, the fine women, have lately
fallen into, of taking snuff."]
[Footnote 356: It has been suggested that Steele here alludes to Mrs. De
la Rivière Manley.]
[Footnote 357: Lord Hinchinbroke married Elizabeth, only daughter of
Alexander Popham, Esq. See Nos. 1, 5, 22.]
[Footnote 358: This was one of Steele's own letters to Miss Scurlock.
(See "Correspondence," 1809, vol. i. p. 93.) "Mrs. Lucy" is "Mrs.
Warren" in the original.]
[Footnote 359: "Hamlet," act iii. sc. 2.]
[Footnote 360: See No. 32.]
[Footnote 361: This letter is printed in Scott's edition of Swift's
works.]
[Footnote 362: See No. II.]