CHANGES
Why did you take all I said for certain
When I so gleefully threw the glove?
Couldn't you see that I made a curtain
Out of my laughter to hide my love?
"My dear," said Miss Farringdon, when Elisabeth came down one morning to
breakfast, "there is sad news to-day."
Miss Farringdon was never late in a morning. She regarded early rising
as a virtue on a par with faith and charity; while to appear at the
breakfast-table after the breakfast itself had already appeared thereon
was, in her eyes, as the sin of witchcraft.
"What is the matter?" asked Elisabeth, somewhat breathlessly. She had
run downstairs at full speed in order to enter the dining-room before
the dishes, completing her toilet as she fled; and she had only beaten
the bacon by a neck.
"Richard Smallwood has had a paralytic stroke. Christopher sent up word
the first thing this morning."
"Oh! I am so sorry. Mr. Smallwood is such a dear old man, and used to be
so kind to Christopher and me when we were little."
"I am very sorry, too, Elisabeth. I have known Richard Smallwood all my
life, and he was a valued friend of my dear father's, as well as being
his right hand in all matters of business. Both my father and uncle
thought very highly of Richard's opinion, and considered that they owed
much of their commercial success to his advice and assistance."
"Poor Christopher! I wonder if he will mind much?"
"Of course he will mind, my dear. What a strange child you are, and what
peculiar things you say! Mr. Smallwood is Christopher's only living
relative, and when anything happens to him Christopher will be entirely
alone in the world. It is sad for any one to be quite alone; and
especially for young people, who have a natural craving for
companionship and sympathy." Miss Farringdon sighed. She had spent most
of her life in the wilderness and on the mountain-tops, and she knew how
cold was the climate and how dreary the prospect there.
Elisabeth's eyes filled with tears, and her heart swelled with a strange
new feeling she had never felt before. For the first time in her life
Christopher (unconsciously on his part) made a direct appeal to her
pity, and her heart responded to the appeal. His perspective, from her
point of view, was suddenly changed; he was no longer the kindly,
easy-going comrade with whom she had laughed and quarrelled and made it
up again ever since she could remember, and with whom she was on a
footing of such familiar intimacy; instead, he had become a man standing
in the shadow of a great sorrow, whose solitary grief commanded her
respect and at the same time claimed her tenderness. All through
breakfast, and the prayers which followed, Elisabeth's thoughts ran on
this new Christopher, who was so much more interesting and yet so much
farther off than the old one. She wondered how he would look and what he
would say when next she saw him; and she longed to see him again, and
yet felt frightened at the thought of doing so. At prayers that morning
Miss Farringdon read the lament of David over Saul and Jonathan; and
while the words of undying pathos sounded in her ears, Elisabeth
wondered whether Christopher would mourn as David did if his uncle were
to die, and whether he would let her comfort him.
When prayers were over, Miss Farringdon bade Elisabeth accompany her to
Mr. Smallwood's; and all the way there the girl's heart was beating so
fast that it almost choked her, with mingled fear of and tenderness for
this new Christopher who had taken the place of her old playmate. As
they sat waiting for him in the oak-panelled dining-room, a fresh wave
of pity swept over Elisabeth as she realized for the first time--though
she had sat there over and over again--what a cheerless home this was in
which to spend one's childhood and youth, and how pluckily Christopher
had always made the best of things, and had never confessed--even to
her--what a dreary lot was his. Then he came downstairs; and as she
heard his familiar footstep crossing the hall her heart beat faster than
ever, and there was a mist before her eyes; but when he entered the room
and shook hands, first with Miss Farringdon and then with her, she was
quite surprised to see that he looked very much as he always looked,
only his face was pale and his eyes heavy for want of sleep; and his
smile was as kind as ever as it lighted upon her.
"It is very good of you to come to me so quickly," he said, addressing
Miss Farringdon but looking at Elisabeth.
"Not at all, Christopher," replied Miss Maria; "those who have friends
must show themselves friendly, and your uncle has certainly proved
himself of the sort that sticketh closer than a brother. No son could
have done more for my father--no brother could have done more for
me--than he has done; and therefore his affliction is my affliction, and
his loss is my loss."
"You are very kind." And Christopher's voice shook a little.
Elisabeth did not speak. She was struggling with a feeling of
uncontrollable shyness which completely tied her usually fluent tongue.
"Is he very ill?" Miss Farringdon asked.
"Yes," Christopher replied, "I'm afraid it's a bad job altogether. The
doctor thinks he will last only a few days; but if he lives he will
never regain the use of his speech or of his brain; and I don't know
that life under such conditions is a boon to be desired."
"I do not think it is. Yet we poor mortals long to keep our beloved ones
with us, even though it is but the semblance of their former selves that
remain."
Christopher did not answer. There suddenly rushed over him the memory of
all that his uncle had been to him, and of how that uncle still treated
him as a little child; and with it came the consciousness that, when his
uncle was gone, nobody would ever treat him as a little child any more.
Life is somewhat dreary when the time comes for us to be grown-up to
everybody; so Christopher looked (and did not see) out of the window,
instead of speaking.
"Of course," Miss Farringdon continued, "you will take his place, should
he be--as I fear is inevitable--unable to resume work at the
Osierfield; and I have such a high opinion of you, Christopher, that I
have no doubt you will do your uncle's work as well as he has done it,
and there could not be higher praise. Nevertheless, it saddens me to
know that another of the old landmarks has been swept away, and that now
I only am left of what used to be the Osierfield forty years ago. The
work may be done as well by the new hands and brains as by the old ones;
but after one has crossed the summit of the mountain and begun to go
downhill, it is sorry work exchanging old lamps for new. The new lamps
may give brighter light, perchance; but their light is too strong for
tired old eyes; and we grow homesick for the things to which we are
accustomed." And Miss Farringdon took off her spectacles and wiped them.
There was silence for a few seconds, while Christopher manfully
struggled with his feelings and Miss Maria decorously gave vent to hers.
Christopher was vexed with himself for so nearly breaking down before
Elisabeth, and throwing the shadow of his sorrow across the sunshine of
her path. He did not know that the mother-heart in her was yearning over
him with a tenderness almost too powerful to be resisted, and that his
weakness was constraining her as his strength had never done. He was
rather surprised that she did not speak to him; but with the patient
simplicity of a strong man he accepted her behaviour without questioning
it. Her mere presence in the room somehow changed everything, and made
him feel that no world which contained Elisabeth could ever be an
entirely sorrowful world. Of course he knew nothing about the new
Christopher which had suddenly arisen above Elisabeth's horizon; he was
far too masculine to understand that his own pathos could be pathetic,
or his own suffering dramatic. It is only women--or men who have much of
the woman in their composition--who can say:
"Here I and sorrow sit,
This is my throne; let kings come bow to it."
The thoroughly manly man is incapable of seeing the picturesque effect
of his own misery.
So Christopher pulled himself together and tried to talk of trivial
things; and Miss Farringdon, having walked through the dark valley
herself, knew the comfort of the commonplace therein, and fell in with
his mood, discussing nurses and remedies and domestic arrangements and
the like. Elisabeth, however, was distinctly disappointed in
Christopher, because he could bring himself down to dwell upon these
trifling matters when the Angel of Death had crossed the lintel of his
doorway only last night, and was still hovering round with overshadowing
wings. It was just like him, she said to herself, to give his attention
to surface details, and to miss the deeper thing. She had yet to learn
that it was because he felt so much, and not because he felt so little,
that Christopher found it hard to utter the inmost thoughts of his
heart.
But when Miss Farringdon had made every possible arrangement for Mr.
Smallwood's comfort, and they rose to leave, Elisabeth's heart smote her
for her passing impatience; so she lingered behind after her cousin had
left the room, and, slipping her hand into Christopher's, she
whispered--
"Chris, dear, I'm so dreadfully sorry!"
It was a poor little speech for the usually eloquent Elisabeth to make;
in cold blood she herself would have been ashamed of it; but Christopher
was quite content. For a second he forgot that he had decided not to
let Elisabeth know that he loved her until he was in a position to marry
her, and he very nearly took her in his strong arms and kissed her there
and then; but before he had time to do this, his good angel (or perhaps
his bad one, for it is often difficult to ascertain how one's two
guardian spirits divide their work) reminded him that it was his duty to
leave Elisabeth free to live her own life, unhampered by the knowledge
of a love which might possibly find no fulfilment in this world where
money is considered the one thing needful; so he merely returned the
pressure of her hand, and said in a queer, strained sort of voice--
"Thanks awfully, dear. It isn't half so rough on a fellow when he knows
you are sorry." And Elisabeth also was content.
Contrary to the doctor's expectations, Richard Smallwood did not die: he
had lost all power of thought or speech, and never regained them, but
lived on for years a living corpse; and the burden of his illness lay
heavily on Christopher's young shoulders. Life was specially dark to
poor Christopher just then. His uncle's utter break-down effectually
closed the door on all chances of escape from the drudgery of the
Osierfield to a higher and wider sphere; for, until now, he had
continued to hope against hope that he might induce that uncle to start
him in some other walk of life, where the winning of Elisabeth would
enter into the region of practical politics. But now all chance of this
was over; Richard Smallwood was beyond the reach of the entreaties and
arguments which hitherto he had so firmly resisted. There was nothing
left for Christopher to do but to step into his uncle's shoes, and try
to make the best of his life as general manager of the Osierfield,
handicapped still further by the charge of that uncle, which made it
impossible for him to dream of bringing home a wife to the big old house
in the High Street.
There was only one drop of sweetness in the bitterness of his cup--one
ray of light in the darkness of his outlook; and that was the
consciousness that he could still go on seeing and loving and serving
Elisabeth, although he might never be able to tell her he was doing so.
He hoped that she would understand; but here he was too sanguine;
Elisabeth was as yet incapable of comprehending any emotion until she
had seen it reduced to a prescription.
So Christopher lived on in the gloomy house, and looked after his uncle
as tenderly as a mother looks after a sick child. To all intents and
purposes Richard was a child again; he could not speak or think, but he
still loved his nephew, the only one of his own flesh and blood; and he
smiled like a child every time that Christopher came into his room, and
cried like a child ever; time that Christopher went away.
Elisabeth was very sorry for Christopher at first, and very tender
toward him; but after a time the coldness, which he felt it his duty to
show toward her in the changed state of affairs, had its natural effect,
and she decided that it was foolish to waste her sympathy upon any one
who obviously needed and valued it so little. Moreover, she had not
forgotten that strange, new feeling which disturbed her heart the
morning after Mr. Smallwood was taken ill; and she experienced, half
unconsciously, a thoroughly feminine resentment against the man who had
called into being such an emotion, and then apparently had found no use
for it. So Elisabeth in her heart of hearts was at war with
Christopher--that slumbering, smouldering sort of warfare which is
ready to break out into fire and battle at the slightest provocation;
and this state of affairs did not tend to make life any the easier for
him. He felt he could have cheerfully borne it all if only Elisabeth had
been kind and had understood; but Elisabeth did not understand him in
the least, and was consequently unkind--far more unkind than she, in her
careless, light-hearted philosophy, dreamed of.
She, too, had her disappointments to bear just then. The artist-soul in
her had grown up, and was crying out for expression; and she vainly
prayed her cousin to let her go to the Slade School, and there learn to
develop the power that was in her. But Miss Farringdon belonged to the
generation which regarded art purely as a recreation--such as
fancy-work, croquet, and the like--and she considered that young women
should be trained for the more serious things of life; by which she
meant the ordering of suitable dinners for the rich and the
manufacturing of seemly garments for the poor. So Elisabeth had to
endure the agony which none but an artist can know--the agony of being
dumb when one has an angel-whispered secret to tell forth--of being
bound hand and foot when one has a God-sent message to write upon the
wall.
Now and then Miss Maria took her young cousin up to town for a few
weeks, and thus Elisabeth came to have a bowing acquaintanceship with
London; but of London as an ever-fascinating, never-wearying friend she
knew nothing. There are people who tell us that "London is delightful in
the season," and that "the country is very pretty in the summer," and we
smile at them as a man would smile at those who said that his mother was
"a pleasant person," or his heart's dearest "a charming girl." Those
who know London and the country, as London and the country deserve to be
known, do not talk in this way, for they have learned that there is no
end to the wonder or the interest or the mystery of either.
The year following Richard Smallwood's break-down, a new interest came
into Elisabeth's life. A son and heir was born at the Moat House; and
Elisabeth was one of the women who are predestined to the worship of
babies. Very tightly did the tiny fingers twine themselves round her
somewhat empty heart; for Elisabeth was meant to love much, and at
present her supply of the article was greatly in excess of the demand
made upon it. So she poured the surplus--which no one else seemed to
need--upon the innocent head of Felicia's baby; and she found that the
baby never misjudged her nor disappointed her, as older people seemed so
apt to do. One of her most devout fellow-worshippers was Mrs. Herbert,
who derived comfort from the fact that little Willie was not ashamed of
her as little Willie's mother was; so--like many a disappointed woman
before them--both Mrs. Herbert and Elisabeth discovered the healing
power which lies in the touch of a baby's hand. Felicia loved the child,
too, in her way; but she was of the type of woman to whom the husband is
always dearer than the children. But Alan's cup was filled to
overflowing, and he loved his son as he loved his own soul.
One of Christopher's expedients for hiding the meditations of his heart
from Elisabeth's curious eyes was the discussion with her of what people
call "general subjects"; and this tried her temper to the utmost. She
regarded it as a sign of superficiality to talk of superficial things;
and she hardly ever went in to dinner with a man without arriving at
the discussion of abstract love and the second _entrée_ simultaneously.
It had never yet dawned upon her that as a rule it is because one has
not experienced a feeling that one is able to describe it; she reasoned
in the contrary direction, and came to the conclusion that those persons
have no hearts at all whose sleeves are unadorned with the same.
Therefore it was intolerable to her when Christopher--who had played
with her as a child, and had once very nearly made her grow up into a
woman--talked to her about the contents of the newspapers.
"I never look at the papers," she answered crossly one day, in reply to
some unexceptionable and uninteresting comment of his upon such history
as was just then in the raw material; "I hate them."
"Why do you hate them?" Christopher was surprised at her vehemence.
"Because there is cholera in the South of France, and I never look at
the papers when there is cholera about, it frightens me so." Elisabeth
had all the pity of a thoroughly healthy person for the suffering that
could not touch her, and the unreasoning terror of a thoroughly healthy
person for the suffering which could.
"But there is nothing to frighten you in that," said Christopher, in his
most comforting tone; "France is such a beastly dirty hole that they are
bound to have diseases going on there, such as could never trouble
clean, local-boarded, old England. And then it's so far away, too. I'd
never worry about that, if I were you."
"Wouldn't you?" Elisabeth was at war with him, but she was not
insensible to the consolation he never failed to afford her when things
went wrong.
"Good gracious, no! England is so well looked after, with county
councils and such, that even if an epidemic came here they'd stamp it
out like one o'clock. Don't frighten yourself with bogeys, Elisabeth,
there's a good girl!"
"I feel just the same about newspapers now that I used to feel about
Lalla Rookh," said Elisabeth confidentially.
Christopher was puzzled. "I'm afraid I don't see quite the connection,
but I have no doubt it is there, like Mrs. Wilfer's petticoat."
"In Cousin Maria's copy of Lalla Rookh there is a most awful picture of
the Veiled Prophet of Khorassan; and when I was little I went nearly mad
with terror of that picture. I used to go and look at it when nobody was
about, and it frightened me more and more every time."
"Why on earth didn't you tell me about it?"
"I don't know. I felt I wouldn't tell anybody for worlds, but must keep
it a ghastly secret. Sometimes I used to hide the book, and try to
forget where I'd hidden it. But I never could forget, and in the end I
always went and found it, and peeped at the picture and nearly died of
terror. The mere outside of the book had a horrible fascination for me.
I used to look at it all the time I was in the drawing-room, and then
pretend I wasn't looking at it; yet if the housemaid had moved it an
inch in dusting the table where it lay, I always knew."
"Poor little silly child! If only you'd have told me, I'd have asked
Miss Farringdon to put it away where you couldn't get at it."
"But I couldn't have told you, Chris--I couldn't have told anybody.
There seemed to be some terrible bond between that dreadful book and me
which I was bound to keep secret. Of course it doesn't frighten me any
longer, though I shall always hate it; but the newspapers frighten me
just in the same way when there are horrible things in them."
"Why, Betty, I am ashamed of you! And such a clever girl as you, too, to
be taken in by the romancing of penny-a-liners! They always make the
worst of things in newspapers in order to sell them."
"Oh! then you think things aren't as bad as newspapers say?"
"Nothing like; but they must write something for people to read, and the
more sensational it is the better people like it."
Elisabeth was comforted; and she never knew that Christopher did not
leave the house that day without asking Miss Farringdon if, for a few
weeks, the daily paper might be delivered at the works and sent up to
the Willows afterward, as he wanted to see the trade-reports the first
thing in the morning. This was done; and sometimes Christopher
remembered to send the papers on to the house, and sometimes he did not.
On these latter occasions Miss Farringdon severely reproved him, and
told him that he would never be as capable a man as his uncle had been,
if he did not endeavour to cultivate his memory; whereat Chris was
inwardly tickled, but was outwardly very penitent and apologetic,
promising to try to be less forgetful in future. And he kept his word;
for not once--while the epidemic in the South of France lasted--did he
forget to forget to send the newspaper up to the Willows when there was
anything in it calculated to alarm the most timid reader.
"Cousin Maria," said Elisabeth, a few days after this, "I hear that
Coulson's circus is coming to Burlingham, and I want to go and see it."
Miss Farringdon looked up over the tops of her gold-rimmed spectacles.
"Do you, my dear? Well, I see no reason why you should not. I have been
brought up to disapprove of theatres, and I always shall disapprove of
them; but I confess I have never seen any harm in going to a circus."
It is always interesting to note where people draw the line between
right and wrong in dealing with forms of amusement; and it is doubtful
whether two separate lines are ever quite identical in their curves.
"Christopher could take me," Elisabeth continued; "and if he couldn't,
I'm sure Alan would."
"I should prefer you to go with Christopher, my dear; he is more
thoughtful and dependable than Alan Tremaine. I always feel perfectly
happy about you when you have Christopher to take care of you."
Elisabeth laughed her cousin to scorn. She did not want anybody to take
care of her, she thought; she was perfectly able to take care of
herself. But Miss Farringdon belonged to a time when single women of
forty were supposed to require careful supervision; and Elisabeth was
but four-and-twenty.
Christopher, when consulted, fell into the arrangement with alacrity;
and it was arranged for him to take Elisabeth over to Burlingham on the
one day that Coulson's circus was on exhibition there. Elisabeth looked
forward to the treat like a child; for she was by nature extremely fond
of pleasure, and by circumstance little accustomed to it.
Great then was her disappointment when the morning of the day arrived,
to receive a short note from Christopher saying that he was extremely
sorry to inconvenience her, but that his business engagements made it
impossible for him to take her to Burlingham that day; and adding
various apologies and hopes that she would not be too angry with him.
She had so few treats that her disappointment at losing one was really
acute for the moment; but what hurt her far more than the disappointment
was the consciousness that Chris had obeyed the calls of business rather
than her behest--had thought less of her pleasure than of the claims of
the Osierfield. All Elisabeth's pride (or was it her vanity?) rose up in
arms at the slight which Christopher had thus put upon her; and she felt
angrier with him than she had ever felt with anybody in her life before.
She began to pour out the vials of her wrath in the presence of Miss
Farringdon; but that good lady was so much pleased to find a young man
who cared more for business than for pleasure, or even for a young
woman, that she accorded Elisabeth but scant sympathy. So Elisabeth
possessed her wounded soul in extreme impatience, until such time as the
offender himself should appear upon the scene, ready to receive those
vials which had been specially prepared for his destruction.
He duly appeared about tea-time, and found Elisabeth consuming the smoke
of her anger in the garden.
"I hope you are not very angry with me," he began in a humble tone,
sitting down beside her on the old rustic seat; "but I found myself
obliged to disappoint you as soon as I got to the works this morning;
and I am sure you know me well enough to understand that it wasn't my
fault, and that I couldn't help myself."
"I don't know you well enough for anything of the kind," replied
Elisabeth, flashing a pair of very bright eyes upon his discomfited
face; "but I know you well enough to understand that you are just a
mass of selfishness and horridness, and that you care for nothing but
just what interests and pleases yourself."
Christopher was startled. "Elisabeth, you don't mean that; you know you
don't."
"Yes; I do. I mean that I have always hated you, and that I hate you
more than ever to-day. It was just like you to care more for the
business than you did for me, and never to mind about my disappointment
as long as that nasty old ironworks was satisfied. I tell you I hate
you, and I hate the works, and I hate everything connected with you."
Christopher looked utterly astonished. He had no idea, he said to
himself, that Elisabeth cared so much about going to Coulson's circus;
and he could not see anything in the frustration of a day's excursion to
account for such a storm of indignation as this. He did not realize that
it was the rage of a monarch whose kingdom was in a state of rebellion,
and whose dominion seemed in danger of slipping away altogether.
Elisabeth might not understand Christopher; but Christopher was not
always guiltless of misunderstanding Elisabeth.
"And it was just like you," Elisabeth went on, "not to let me know till
the last minute, when it was too late for anything to be done. If you
had only had the consideration--I may say the mere civility--to send
word last night that your royal highness could not be bothered with me
and my affairs to-day, I could have arranged with Alan Tremaine to take
me. He is always able to turn his attention for a time from his own
pleasure to other people's."
"But I thought I told you that it was not until I got to the works this
morning that I discovered it would be impossible for me to take you to
Burlingham to-day."
"Then you ought to have found it out sooner."
"Hang it all! I really can not find out things before they occur. Clever
as I am, I am not quite clever enough for that. If I were, I should soon
make my own fortune by telling other people theirs."
But Elisabeth was too angry to be flippant. "The fact is you care for
nothing but yourself and your horrid old business. I always told you how
it would be."
"You did. For whatever faults you may have to blame yourself,
over-indulgence toward mine will never be one of them. You can make your
conscience quite clear on that score." Christopher was as determined to
treat the quarrel lightly as Elisabeth was to deal with it on serious
grounds.
"You have grown into a regular, commonplace, money-grubbing, business
man, with no thoughts for anything higher than making iron and money and
vulgar things like that."
"And making you angry--that is a source of distinct pleasure to me. You
have no idea how charming you are when you are--well, for the sake of
euphony we will say slightly ruffled, Miss Elisabeth Farringdon."
Elisabeth stamped her foot. "I wish to goodness you'd be serious
sometimes! Frivolity is positively loathsome in a man."
"Then I repent it in dust and ashes, and shall rely upon your more
sedate and serious mind to correct this tendency in me. Besides, as you
generally blame me for erring in the opposite direction, it is a relief
to find you smiting me on the other cheek as a change. It keeps up my
mental circulation better."
"You are both too frivolous and too serious."
Christopher was unwise enough to laugh. "My dear child, I seem to make
what is called 'a corner' in vices; but even I can not reconcile the
conflicting ones."
Then Elisabeth's anger settled down into the quiet stage. "If you think
it gentlemanly to disappoint a lady and then insult her, pray go on
doing so; I can only say that I don't."
"What on earth do you mean, Elisabeth? Do you really believe that I
meant to vex you?" The laughter had entirely died out of Christopher's
face, and his voice was hoarse.
"I don't know what you meant, and I am afraid I don't much mind. All I
know is that you did disappoint me and did insult me, and that is enough
for me. The purity of your motives is not my concern; I merely resent
the impertinence of your behaviour."
Christopher rose from his seat; he was serious enough now. "You are
unjust to me, Elisabeth, but I can not and will not attempt to justify
myself. Good afternoon."
For a second the misery on his face penetrated the thunder-clouds of
Elisabeth's indignation. "Won't you have some tea before you go?" she
asked. It seemed brutal--even to her outraged feelings--to send so old a
friend empty away.
Christopher's smile was very bitter as he answered. "No, thank you. I am
afraid, after the things you have said to me, I should hardly be able
graciously to accept hospitality at your hands; and rather than accept
it ungraciously, I will not accept it at all." And he turned on his
heel and left her.
As she watched his retreating figure, one spasm of remorse shot through
Elisabeth's heart; but it was speedily stifled by the recollection that,
for the first time in her life, Christopher had failed her, and had
shown her plainly that there were, in his eyes, more important matters
than Miss Elisabeth Farringdon and her whims and fancies. And what
woman, worthy of the name, could extend mercy to a man who had openly
displayed so flagrant a want of taste and discernment as this? Certainly
not Elisabeth, nor any other fashioned after her pattern. She felt that
she had as much right to be angry as had the prophet, when Almighty
Wisdom saw fit to save the great city in which he was not particularly
interested, and to destroy the gourd in which he was. And so, probably,
she had.
For several days after this she kept clear of Christopher, nursing her
anger in her heart; and he was so hurt and sore from the lashing which
her tongue had given him, that he felt no inclination to come within the
radius of that tongue's bitterness again.
But one day, when Elisabeth was sitting on the floor of the Moat House
drawing-room, playing with the baby and discussing new gowns with
Felicia between times, Alan came in and remarked--
"It was wise of you to give up your excursion to Coulson's circus last
week, Elisabeth; as it has turned out it was chiefly a scare, and the
case was greatly exaggerated; but it might have made you feel
uncomfortable if you had gone. I suppose you saw the notice of the
outbreak in that morning's paper, and so gave it up at the last
moment."
Elisabeth ceased from her free translation of the baby's gurglings and
her laudable endeavours suitably to reply to the same, and gave her
whole attention to the baby's father. "I don't know what you mean. What
scare and what outbreak are you talking about?"
"Didn't you see," replied Alan, "that there was an outbreak of cholera
at Coulson's circus, and a frightful scare all through Burlingham in
consequence? Of course the newspapers greatly exaggerated the danger,
and so increased the scare; and I don't know that I blame them for that.
I am not sure that the sensational way in which the press announces
possible dangers to the community is not a safeguard for the community
at large. To be alive to a danger is nine times out of ten to avoid a
danger; and it is far better to be more frightened than hurt than to be
more hurt than frightened--certainly for communities if not for
individuals."
"But tell me about it. I never saw any account in the papers; and I'm
glad I didn't, for it would have frightened me out of my wits."
"It broke out among a troupe of acrobats who had just come straight from
the South of France, and evidently brought the infection with them. They
were at once isolated, and such prompt and efficient measures were taken
to prevent the spread of the disease, that there have been no more
cases, either in the circus or in the town. Now, I should imagine, all
danger of its spreading is practically over; but, of course, it made
everybody in the neighbourhood, and everybody who had been to the
circus, very nervous and uncomfortable for a few days. The local
authorities, however, omitted no possible precaution which should assist
them in stamping out the epidemic, should those few cases have started
an epidemic--which was, of course, possible, though hardly likely."
And then Alan proceeded to expound his views on the matter of sanitary
authorities in general and of those of Burlingham in particular, to
which Felicia listened with absorbing attention and Elisabeth did not
listen at all.
Soon after this she took her leave; and all along the homeward walk
through Badgering Woods she was conscious of feeling ashamed of
herself--a very rare sensation with Elisabeth, and by no means an
agreeable one. She was by nature so self-reliant and so irresponsible
that she seldom regretted anything that she had done; if she had acted
wisely, all was well; and if she had not acted wisely, it was over and
done with, and what was the use of bothering any more about it? This was
her usual point of view, and it proved as a rule a most comfortable one.
But now she could not fail to see that she had been in the
wrong--hopelessly and flagrantly in the wrong--and that she had behaved
abominably to Christopher into the bargain. She had to climb down, as
other ruling powers have had to climb down before now; and the act of
climbing down is neither a becoming nor an exhilarating form of exercise
to ruling powers. But at the back of her humble contrition there was a
feeling of gladness in the knowledge that Christopher had not really
failed her after all, and that her kingdom was still her own as it had
been in her childish days; and there was also a nobler feeling of higher
joy in the consciousness that--quite apart from his attitude toward
her--Christopher was still the Christopher that she had always in her
inmost soul believed him to be; that she was not wrong in the idea she
had formed of him long ago. It is very human to be glad on our own
account when people are as fond of us as we expected them to be; but it
is divine to be glad, solely for their sakes, when they act up to their
own ideals, quite apart from us. And there was a touch of divinity in
Elisabeth's gladness just then, though the rest of her was extremely
human--and feminine at that.
On her way home she encountered Caleb Bateson going back to work after
dinner, and she told him to ask Mr. Thornley to come up to the Willows
that afternoon, as she wanted to see him. She preferred to send a verbal
message, as by so doing she postponed for a few hours that climbing-down
process which she so much disliked; although it is frequently easier to
climb down by means of one's pen than by means of one's tongue.
Christopher felt no pleasure in receiving her message. He was not angry
with her, although he marvelled at the unreasonableness and injustice of
a sex that thinks more of a day's pleasure than a life's devotion; he
did not know that it was over the life's devotion and not the day's
pleasure that Elisabeth had fought so hard that day; but his encounter
with her had strangely tired him, and taken the zest out of his life,
and he had no appetite for any more of such disastrous and inglorious
warfare.
But he obeyed her mandate all the same, having learned the important
political lesson that the fact of a Government's being in the wrong is
no excuse for not obeying the orders of that Government; and he waited
for her in the drawing-room at the Willows, looking out toward the
sunset and wondering how hard upon him Elisabeth was going to be. And
his thoughts were so full of her that he did not hear her come into the
room until she clasped both her hands round his arm and looked up into
his gloomy face, saying--
"Oh! Chris, I'm so dreadfully ashamed of myself."
The clouds were dispelled at once, and Christopher smiled as he had not
smiled for a week. "Never mind," he said, patting the hands that were on
his arm; "it's all right."
But Elisabeth, having set out upon the descent, was prepared to climb
down handsomely. "It isn't all right; it's all wrong. I was simply
fiendish to you, and I shall never forgive myself--never."
"Oh, yes; you will. And for goodness' sake don't worry over it. I'm glad
you have found out that I wasn't quite the selfish brute that I seemed;
and that's the end of the matter."
"Dear me! no; it isn't. It is only the beginning. I want to tell you how
dreadfully sorry I am, and to ask you to forgive me."
"I've nothing to forgive."
"Yes, you have; lots." And Elisabeth was nearer the mark than
Christopher.
"I haven't. Of course you were angry with me when I seemed so
disagreeable and unkind; any girl would have been," replied Chris,
forgetting how very unreasonable her anger had seemed only five minutes
ago. But five minutes can make such a difference--sometimes.
Elisabeth cheerfully caught at this straw of comfort; she was always
ready to take a lenient view of her own shortcomings. If Christopher had
been wise he would not have encouraged such leniency; but who is wise
and in love at the same time?
"Of course it did seem rather unkind of you," she admitted; "you see, I
thought you had thrown me over just for the sake of some tiresome
business arrangement, and that you didn't care about me and my
disappointment a bit."
A little quiver crept into Christopher's voice. "I think you might have
known me better than that."
"Yes, I might; in fact, I ought to have done," agreed Elisabeth with
some truth. "But why didn't you tell me the real reason?"
"Because I thought it might worry and frighten you. Not that there
really was anything to be frightened about," Christopher hastened to
add; "but you might have imagined things, and been upset; you have such
a tremendous imagination, you know."
"I'm afraid I have; and it sometimes imagines vain things at your
expense, Chris dear."
"How did you find me out?" Chris asked.
"Alan told me about the cholera scare at Burlingham, and I guessed the
rest."
"Then Alan was an ass. What business had he to go frightening you, I
should like to know, with a lot of fiction that is just trumped up to
sell the papers?"
"But, Chris, I want you to understand how sorry I am that I was so vile
to you. I really was vile, wasn't I?" Elisabeth was the type of woman
for whom the confessional will always have its fascinations.
"You were distinctly down on me, I must confess; but you needn't worry
about that now."
"And you quite forgive me?"
"As I said before, I've nothing to forgive. You were perfectly right to
be annoyed with a man who appeared to be so careless and inconsiderate;
but I'm glad you've found out that I wasn't quite as selfish as you
thought."
Elisabeth stroked his coat sleeve affectionately. "You are not selfish
at all, Chris; you're simply the nicest, thoughtfullest, most unselfish
person in the world; and I'm utterly wretched because I was so unkind to
you."
"Don't be wretched, there's a dear! Your wretchedness is the one thing I
can't and won't stand; so please leave off at once."
To Christopher remorse for wrong done would always be an agony; he had
yet to learn that to some temperaments, whereof Elisabeth's was one, it
partook of the nature of a luxury--the sort of luxury which tempts one
to pay half a guinea to be allowed to swell up one's eyes and redden
one's nose over imaginary woes in a London theatre.
"Did you mind very much when I was so cross?" Elisabeth asked
thoughtfully.
Christopher was torn between a loyal wish to do homage to his idol and a
laudable desire to save that idol pain. "Of course I minded pretty
considerably; but why bother about that now?"
"Because it interests me immensely. I often think that your only fault
is that you don't mind things enough; and so, naturally, I want to find
out how great your minding capacity is."
"I see. Your powers of scientific research are indeed remarkable; but
did it never strike you that even vivisection might be carried too
far--too far for the comfort of the vivisected, I mean; not for the
enjoyment of the vivisector?"
"It is awfully good for people to feel things," persisted Elisabeth.
"Is it? Well, I suppose it is good--in fact, necessary--for some poor
beggars to have their arms or legs cut off; but you can't expect me to
be consumed with envy of the same?"
"Please tell me how much you minded," Elisabeth coaxed.
"I can't tell you; and I wouldn't if I could. If I were a rabbit that
had been cut into living pieces to satisfy the scientific yearnings of a
learned professor, do you think I would leave behind me--for my
executors to publish and make large fortunes thereby--confidential
letters and private diaries accurately describing all the tortures I had
endured, for the recreation of the reading public in general and the
said professor in particular? Not I."
"I should. I should leave a full, true, and particular account of all
that I had suffered, and exactly how much it hurt. It would interest the
professor most tremendously."
Christopher shook his head. "Oh, dear! no; it wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because I should have knocked his brains out long before that for
having dared to hurt you at all."