ever; true to her Principles, and firm to her Mistress. But she has a
much better Opinion of you now than she had half an Hour ago.
_Esop._ She has reason: For my Soul appear'd then as deform'd as
my Body. But I hope now, one may so far mediate for t'other, that,
provided I don't make Love, the Women won't quarrel with me; for they
are worse Enemies even than they are Friends. Come, Gentlemen, I'll
humour my Dress a little longer, and share with you in the Diversions
these boon Companions have prepar'd us. Let's take our Places, and see
how they can divert us.
_~Esop~ leads the Bride to her Place. All being seated,
there's a short Concert of Hautboys, Trumpets, &c. After which a
Dance between an old Man and a young Woman, who shuns him still
at he comes near her. At last he stops, and begins this Dialogue,
which they sing together._
Old Man.
_Why so cold, and why so coy?
What I want in Youth and Fire,
I have in Love and in Desire:
To my Arms, my Love, my Joy!
Why so cold, and why so coy?_
Woman.
_'Tis Sympathy, perhaps, with you;
You are cold, and I'm so too._.
Old Man.
_My Years alone have froze my Blood;
Youthful Heat in Female Charms,
Glowing in my aged Arms,
Wou'd melt it down once more into a Flood._
Woman.
_Women, alas, like Flints, ne'er burn alone;
To make a Virgin know
There's Fire within the Stone,
Some manly Steel must boldly strike the Blow._
Old Man.
_Assist me only with your Charms,
You'll find I'm Man, and still am bold;
You'll find I still can strike, tho' old:
I only want your Aid to raise my Arms._
Enter a Youth, who seizes on the young Woman.
Youth.
_Who talks of Charms, who talks of Aid?
I bring an Arm
That wants no Charm,
To rouze the Fire that's in a flinty Maid.
Retire, old Age:
----Winter, begone:
Behold the youthful Spring comes gayly on.
Here, here's a Torch to light a Virgin's Fire!
To my Arms, my Love, my Joy;
When Women have what they desire,
They're neither cold nor coy._
[She takes him in her Arms.
_The Song and Dances ended, ~Esop~ takes ~Euphronia~ and
~Oronces~ by the Hands, leading them forwards._
_Esop._ By this Time, my young eager Couple, 'tis probable you wou'd
be glad to be alone; perhaps you'll have a Mind to go to Bed, even
without your Supper; for Brides and Bridegrooms eat little on their
Wedding-Night. But since, if Matrimony were worn as it ought to be, it
wou'd, perhaps, sit easier about us than it usually does, I'll give you
one Word of Counsel, and so I shall release you. When one is out of
Humour, let the other be dumb. Let your Diversions be such, as both may
have a Share in 'em. Never let Familiarity exclude Respect. Be clean in
your Clothes, but nicely so in your Persons. Eat at one Table, lie in
one Room, but sleep in two Beds: I'll tell the Ladies why:
Turning to the Boxes.
_In the sprightly Month of May, }
When Males and Females sport and play, }
And kiss and toy away the Day; }
An eager Sparrow and his Mate, }
Chirping on a Tree, were sat, }
Full of Love----and full of Prate. }
They talk'd of nothing but their Fires,
Of raging Heats, and strong Desires,
How true and faithful they wou'd be;
Of eternal Constancy;
Of this and that, and endless Joys,
And a thousand more such Toys:
Only Thing they apprehended,
Was that their Lives wou'd be so short,
They cou'd not finish half their Sport
Before their Days were ended.
But as from Bough to Bough they rove,
They chanc'd at last
In furious haste,
On a Twig with Birdlime spread,
(Want of a more downy Bed)
To act a Scene of Love.
Fatal it proved to both their Fires.
For tho' at length they broke away, }
And baulk'd the School-Boy of his Prey, }
Which made him weep the live-long Day, }
The Bridegroom, in the hasty strife,
Was stuck so fast to his dear Wife,
That tho' he us'd his utmost Art,
He quickly found it was in vain,
To put himself to further Pain,
They never more must part.
A gloomy Shade o'ercast his Brow; }
He found himself----I know not how: }
He look'd as Husbands often do. }
Where-e'er he mov'd, he felt her still,
She kiss'd him oft against his Will:
Abroad, at Home, at Bed and Board,
With favours she o'erwhelm'd her Lord.
Oft he turn'd his Head away, }
And seldom had a Word to say, }
Which absolutely spoil'd her Play, }
For she was better stor'd.
Howe'er, at length, her stock was spent,
(For Female Fires sometimes may be
Subject to Mortality;)
So Back to Back they sit, and sullenly repent.
But the mute Scene was quickly ended,
The Lady, for her share, pretended
The Want of Love lay at his Door; }
For her part, she had still in store }
Enough for him and twenty more, }
Which cou'd not be contended.
He answer'd her in homely Words,
(For Sparrows are but ill-bred Birds)
That he already had enjoy'd
So much, that truly he was cloy'd.
Which so provok'd her Spleen,
That after some good hearty Prayers, }
A Jostle, and some spiteful Tears, }
They fell together by the Ears, }
And ne'er were fond again._
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
_ESOP._
PART II.
_Enter Players._
_Esop._ Well, good People, who are all you?
_Omnes._ Sir, we are Players.
_Esop._ Players! What Players?
_Play._ Why, Sir, we are Stage-Players, that's our Calling: Tho' we
play upon other Things too; some of us play upon the Fiddle; some play
upon the Flute; we play upon one another; we play upon the Town; and we
play upon the Patentees.
_Esop._ Patentees! Pr'ythee, what are they?
_Play._ Why, they are, Sir----Sir, they are----'Cod I don't know
what they are----Fish or Flesh----Masters or Servants----Sometimes
one----Sometimes t'other, I think----Just as we are in the Mood.
_Esop._ Why, I thought they had a lawful Authority over you.
_Play._ Lawful Authority, Sir!----Sir, we are free-born _Englishmen_,
we care not for Law nor Authority neither, when we are out of Humour.
_Esop._ But I think they pretended at least to an Authority over you;
pray, upon what Foundation was it built?
_Play._ Upon a rotten one----if you'll believe us. Sir, I'll tell you
what the Projectors did: They imbark'd twenty thousand Pound upon a
leaky Vessel----She was built at _Whitehall_; I think they call'd
her----the Patent----ay, the Patent: Her Keel was made of a Broad
Seal----and the King gave 'em a white Staff for their Main-Mast. She
was a pretty light Frigate to look upon, indeed: They spar'd nothing
to set her off; they gilded her, and painted her, and rigg'd, and
gunn'd her: And so sent her a Privateering. But the first Storm that
blew, down went the Mast, ashore went the Ship--Crack, says the Keel;
Mercy, cry'd the Pilot; but the Wind was so high, his Pray'rs cou'd not
be heard--so they split upon a Rock----that lay hid under a Petticoat.
_Esop._ A very sad Story, this! But what became of the Ship's Company?
_Play._ Why, Sir, your humble Servants here, who were the Officers, and
the best of the Sailors----(little _Ben_ amongst the rest) seiz'd on a
small Bark that lay to our Hand, and away we put to Sea again. To say
the truth, we were better mann'd than rigg'd, and Ammunition was plaguy
scarce amongst us.----However, a cruising we went, and some petty
small Prizes we have made; but the Blessing of Heaven not being among
us----or how the Devil 'tis, I cannot tell; but we are not rich.
_Esop._ Well, but what became of the rest of the Crew?
_Play._ Why, Sir, as for the Scoundrels, they, poor Dogs, stuck by the
Wreck. The Captain gave them Bread and Cheese, and good Words----He
told them, if they wou'd patch her up, and venture t'other Cruise, he'd
prefer 'em all; so to work they went, and to Sea they got her.
_Esop._ I hope he kept his Word with 'em.
_Play._ That he did; he made the Boatswain's Mate Lieutenant; he made
the Cook Doctor: He was forc'd to be Purser and Pilot, and Gunner
himself; and the Swabber took Orders to be Chaplain.
_Esop._ But with such unskilful Officers, I'm afraid, they'll hardly
keep above Water long.
_Play._ Why truly, Sir, we care not how soon they are under: But curst
Folks thrive, I think. I know nothing else that makes 'em swim. I'm
sure, by the Rules of Navigation, they ought to have over-set long
since; for they carry a great deal of Sail, and have very little
Ballast.
_Esop._ I'm afraid you ruin one another. I fancy if you were all in a
Ship together again, you'd have less Work, and more Profit.
_Play._ Ah, Sir----we are resolv'd we'll never sail under Captain
Patentee again.
_Esop._ Pr'ythee, why so?
_Play._ Sir, he has us'd us like Dogs.
_Wom._----And Bitches too, Sir.
_Esop._ I'm sorry to hear that; pray, how was't he treated you?
_Play._ Sir, 'tis impossible to tell; he us'd us like the _English_ at
_Amboyna_----
_Esop._ But I wou'd know some Particulars: Tell me what 'twas he did to
you?
_Play._ What he did, Sir?----Why, he did in the first Place, Sir----In
the first Place, Sir, he did----I'cod I don't know what he did----Can
you tell, Wife?
_Wom._ Yes, marry can I; and a burning Shame it was too.
_Play._ O, I remember now, Sir, he wou'd not give us Plums enough in
our Pudding.
_Esop._ That indeed was very hard; but did he give you as many as he
promis'd you?
_Play._ Yes, and more; but what of all that? We had not as many as we
had a mind to----
_1 Wom._ Sir, my Husband tells you Truth--
_Esop._ I believe he may; but what other Wrongs did he do you?
_1 Wom._ Why, Sir, he did not treat me with Respect; 'twas not one Day
an three he would so much as bid me good-morrow--
_2 Wom._ Sir, he invited me to Dinner, and never drank my Health.
_1 Wom._ Then he cock'd his Hat at Mrs. _Pert_.
_2 Wom._ Yes, and told Mrs. _Slippery_ he had as good a Face as she had.
_Esop._ Why, these were insufferable Abuses--
_2 Play._ Then, Sir, I did but come to him one Day--and tell him I
wanted fifty Pound, and what do you think he did by me, Sir?--Sir, he
turn'd round upon his Heel like a Top--
_1 Play._ But that was nothing to the Affront he put upon me, Sir.
I came to him, and in very civil words, as I thought, desir'd him to
double my Pay: Sir, wou'd you believe it? He had the Barbarity to ask
me if I intended to double my Work; and because I told him no, Sir--he
did use me, good Lord, how he did use me!
_Esop._ Pr'ythee how?
_1 Play._ Why, he walk'd off, and answered me never a Word.
_Esop._ How had you Patience?
_1 Play._ Sir, I had not Patience. I sent him a Challenge; and what do
you think his answer was?--He sent me Word I was a scoundrel Son of a
Whore, and he wou'd only fight me by Proxy----
_Esop._ Very fine!
_1 Play._ At this rate, Sir, were we poor Dogs us'd--till one frosty
Morning down he comes amongst us--and very roundly tells us----That for
the future, no Purchase, no Pay. They that wou'd not work, shou'd not
eat----Sir, we at first ask'd him coolly and civilly----Why? His answer
was, Because the Town wanted Diversion, and he wanted Money----Our
Reply to this, Sir, was very short; but I think to the purpose.
_Esop._ What was it?
_1 Play._ It was, Sir, that so we wallow'd in Plenty and Ease----the
Town and he might be damn'd----This, Sir, is the true History of our
Separation----and we hope you'll stand our Friend----
_Esop._ I'll tell you what, Sirs----
_I once a Pack of Beagles knew----
That much resembled I know who;
With a good Huntsman at their Tail,
In full Command,
With Whip in Hand,
They'd run apace
The chearful Chace,
And of their Game were seldom known to fail.
But being at length their chance to find
A Huntsman of a gentler Kind,
They soon perceiv'd the Rein was slack;
The Word went quickly thro' the Pack----
They one and all cry'd Liberty;
This happy Moment we are free;
We'll range the Woods,
Like Nymphs and Gods,
And spend our Mouths in Praise of Mutiny.
With that, old ~Jowler~ trots away,
And ~Bowman~ singles out his Prey;
~Thunder~ bellow'd thro' the Wood,
And swore he'd burst his Guts with Blood;
~Venus~ tript it o'er the Plain,
With boundless Hopes of boundless Gain;
----~Juno~, she slipt down the Hedge,
But left her sacred Word for Pledge,
That all she pickt up by the by----
Shou'd to the public Treasury;
And well they might rely upon her;
For ~Juno~ was a Bitch of Honour.
In short, they all had Hopes to see
A heavenly Crop of Mutiny.
And so to reaping fell.
But in a little Time they found,
It was the Devil had till'd the Ground,
And brought the Seed from Hell.
The Pack divided, nothing throve:
Discord seiz'd the Throne of Love.
Want and Misery all endure;
All take pains, and all grow poor.
When they had toil'd the live-long Day,
And came at Night to view their Prey,
Oft, alas, so ill they'd sped,
That half went Supperless to Bed.
At length they all in Council sate,
Where at a very fair Debate,
It was agreed at last,
That Slavery with Ease and Plenty,
When Hounds were something turn'd of twenty,
Was much a better Fate,
Than 'twas to work and fast._
_1 Play._ Well, Sir----and what did they do then?
_Esop._ Why they all went home to their Kennel again. If you think they
did wisely, you'll do well to follow their Example.
[_Exit ~Esop~._
_1 Play._ Well, Beagles, what think you of the little Gentleman's
Advice?
_2 Wom._ I think he's a little ugly Philosopher, and talks like a Fool.
_1 Play._ Ay, why there 'tis now! If he had been a tall Handsome
Blockhead, he had talk'd like a wise Man.
_2 Wom._ Why, do you think, Mr. _Jowler_, that we'll ever join again?
_1 Play._ I do think, sweet Mrs. _Juno_, that if we do not join again,
you must be a little freer of your Carcase than you are, or you must
bring down your Pride to a Serge Petticoat.
_1 Wom._ And do you think, Sir, after the Affronts I have receiv'd, the
Patent and I can ever be Friends?
_1 Play._ I do think, Madam, that if my interest had not been more
affronted than your Face, the Patent and you had never been Foes.
_1 Wom._ And so, Sir, then you have serious Thoughts of a
Reconciliation!
_1 Play._ Madam, I do believe I may.
_1 Wom._ Why then, Sir, give me Leave to tell you, that--make it my
Interest, and I'll have serious Thoughts on't too.
_2 Wom._ Nay, if you are thereabouts, I desire to come into the Treaty.
_3 Play._ And I.
_4 Play._ And I.
_1 Play._ And I. No separate Peace. None of your _Turin_ Play, I
beseech you.
_1 Play._ Why then, since you are all so Christianly dispos'd----I
think we had best adjourn immediately to our Council-Chamber, choose
some potent Prince for Mediator and Guarantee----fix upon the Place of
Treaty, dispatch our Plenipo's, and whip up the Peace like an Oyster.
For, under the Rose, my Confederates, here is such a damn'd Discount
upon our Bills, I'm afraid, if we stand it out another Campaign, we
must live upon slender Subsistence.
[_Exeunt._
_Enter ~Esop~; and a Country Gentleman, who walks to
and fro, looking angrily upon ~Esop~._
_Esop._ Have you any Business with me, Sir?
_Gent._--I can't tell whether I have or not.
_Esop._ You seem disturb'd, Sir?
_Gent._ I'm always so at the Sight of a Courtier.
_Esop._ Pray what may it be, that gives you so great an Antipathy to
'em?
_Gent._ My Profession.
_Esop._ What's that?
_Gent._ Honesty.
_Esop._ 'Tis an honest Profession. I hope, Sir, for the general Good of
Mankind, you are in some public Employment?
_Gent._ So I am, Sir----no Thanks to the Court.
_Esop._ You are then, I suppose, employ'd by----
_Gent._ My Country.
_Esop._ Who have made you----
_Gent._ A Senator.
_Esop._ Sir, I reverence you.
[_Bowing._
_Gent._ Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; but I shall spare
none of you. Sir, I am intrusted by my Country with above ten Thousand
of their Grievances, and, in order to redress them, my Design is to
hang ten thousand Courtiers.
_Esop._ Why, 'tis making short Work, I must confess; but are you sure,
Sir, that wou'd do't?
_Gent._ Sure,----Ay, sure.
_Esop._ How do you know?
_Gent._ Why, the whole Country says so, and I at the Head of 'em. Now
let me see who dares say the contrary.
_Esop._ Not I, truly. But, Sir, if you won't take it ill, I'll ask you
a Question or two.
_Gent._ Sir, I shall take ill what I please. And if you, or e'er a
Courtier of you all pretend the contrary, I say, 'tis a Breach of
Privilege----Now put your Question, if you think fit.
_Esop._ Why then, Sir, with all due regard to your Character, and your
Privilege too, I wou'd be glad to know what you chiefly complain of?
_Gent._ Why, Sir, I do chiefly complain, that we have
A great many Ships, and very little Trade;
A great many Tenants, and very little Money;
A great many Soldiers, and very little fighting;
A great many _Gazettes_, and little good News;
A great many Statesmen, and very little Wisdom;
A great many Parsons, and not an Ounce of Religion.
_Esop._ Why truly, Sir, I do confess these are Grievances very well
worth your redressing. And I perceive you are truly sensible of our
Diseases, but I'm afraid you are a little out in the Cure.
_Gent._ Sir, I perceive you take me for a Country-Physician: but
you shall find, Sir, that a Country-Doctor is able to deal with a
Court-Quack; and to shew you that I do understand something of the
State of the Body-Politic, I will tell you, Sir, that I have heard a
wise Man say, the Court is the Stomach of the Nation, in which, if
the Business be not thoroughly digested, the whole Carcase will be in
Disorder. Now, Sir, I do find by the Feebleness of the Members, and
the Vapours that fly into the Head, that this same Stomach is full of
indigestions, which must be remov'd: And therefore, Sir, I am come Post
to Town with my Head full of _Crocus Metallorum_, and design to give
the Court a Vomit.
_Esop._ Sir, the Physic you mention, tho' necessary sometimes, is of
too violent a Nature to be us'd without a great deal of Caution. I'm
afraid, you are a little too rash in your Prescriptions. Is it not
possible you may be mistaken in the Cause of the Distemper?
_Gent._ Sir, I do not think it possible I shou'd be mistaken in any
thing.
_Esop._ Have you been long a Senator?
_Gent._ No, Sir.
_Esop._ Have you been much about Town?
_Gent._ No, Sir.
_Esop._ Have you convers'd much with Men of Business?
_Gent._ No, Sir.
_Esop._ Have you made any serious Enquiry into the present Disorders of
the Nation?
_Gent._ No, Sir.
_Esop._ Have you ever heard what the Men now employ'd in Business have
to say for themselves?
_Gent._ No, Sir.
_Esop._ How then do you know they deserve to be punish'd for the
present Disorders in your Affairs?
_Gent._ I'll tell you how I know.
_Esop._ I would be glad to hear.
_Gent._ Why, I know by this----I know it, I say, by this----that I'm
sure on't----And to give you Demonstration that I'm sure on't, there is
not one Man in a good Post in the Nation--but I'd give my Vote to hang
him: Now I hope you are convinc'd.
_Esop._ As for Example: The first Minister of State, why wou'd you hang
him?
_Gent._ Because he gives bad Counsel.
_Esop._ How do you know?
_Gent._ Why, they say so.
_Esop._ And who would you put in his Room?
_Gent._ One that would give better.
_Esop._ Who's that?
_Gent._ Myself.
_Esop._ The Secretary of State, why wou'd you hang him?
_Gent._ Because he has not good Intelligence.
_Esop._ How do you know?
_Gent._ I have heard so.
_Esop._ And who would you put in his Place?
_Gent._ My Father.
_Esop._ The Treasurer, why would you hang him?
_Gent._ Because he does not understand his Business.
_Esop._ How do you know?
_Gent._ I dreamt so.
_Esop._ And who would you have succeed him?
_Gent._ My Uncle.
_Esop._ The Admiral, why would you hang him?
_Gent._ Because he has not destroy'd the Enemies Ships.
_Esop._ How do you know he could do it?
_Gent._ Why, I believe so.
_Esop._ And who would you have command in his Stead?
_Gent._ My Brother.
_Esop._ And the General, why would you hang him?
_Gent._ Because he took ne'er a Town last Campaign.
_Esop._ And how you do know it was in his Power?
_Gent._ Why, I don't care a Souss whether 'twas in his power or not.
But I have a Son at home, a brave chopping Lad; he has been Captain
in the Militia these twelve Months, and I'd be glad to see him in his
Place. What do ye stare for, Sir? Ha! I'gad I tell you he'd scour
all to the Devil. He's none of your Fencers, none of your sa-sa Men.
_Numps_ is downright, that's his Play. You may see his Courage in his
Face: He has a Pair of Cheeks like two Bladders, a Nose as flat as your
Hand, and a Forehead like a Bull.
_Esop._ In short, Sir, I find if you and your Family were provided for,
Things would soon grow better than they do.
_Gent._ And so they wou'd, Sir. Clap me at the Head of the State, and
_Numps_ at the Head of the Army: He with his Club-Musquet, and I with
my Club Head-Piece, we'd soon put an End to your Business.
_Esop._ I believe you wou'd indeed. And therefore, since I happen to be
acquainted with your extraordinary Abilities, I am resolv'd to give the
King an Account of you, and employ my Interest with him, that you and
your Son may have the Posts you desire.
_Gent._ Will you, by the Lord?--Give me your Fist, Sir--the only honest
Courtier that ever I met with in my Life.
_Esop._ But, Sir, when I have done you this mighty Piece of Service, I
shall have a small Request to beg of you, which I hope you won't refuse
me.
_Gent._ What's that?
_Esop._ Why, 'tis in behalf of the two Officers who are to be displac'd
to make Room for you and your Son.
_Gent._ The Secretary and the General?
_Esop._ The same. 'Tis pity they shou'd be quite out of Business: I
must therefore desire you'll let me recommend one of 'em to you for
your Bailiff, and t'other for your Huntsman.
_Gent._ My Bailiff and my Huntsman!----Sir, that's not to be granted.
_Esop._ Pray, why?
_Gent._ Why?----Because one wou'd ruin my Land, and t'other wou'd spoil
my Fox-Hounds.
_Esop._ Why do you think so?
_Gent._ Why do I think so!----These Courtiers will ask the strangest
Questions!----Why, Sir, do you think that Men bred up to the State or
the Army, can understand the Business of Ploughing and Hunting?
_Esop._ I did not know but they might.
_Gent._ How cou'd you think so?
_Esop._ Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and Hunting, understand
the Business of the State and the Army.
_Gent._ I'm shot----I ha'n't one Word to say for myself----I never was
so caught in my Life.
_Esop._ I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have said has made some
Impression upon you; and would, perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it
leave. [_Taking his Hand._] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I
can be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder me from being
a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, as well as Principle, to be
pleas'd with the Prosperity of Mankind. I wish all Things happy, and my
Study is to make them so.
The Distempers of the Government (which I own are great) have employ'd
the Stretch of my Understanding, and the deepest of my Thoughts,
to penetrate the Cause, and to find out the Remedy. But alas! All
the Product of my Study is this, That I find there is too near a
Resemblance between the Diseases of the State and those of the Body,
for the most expert Minister to become a greater Master in one than the
College is in t'other: And how far their Skill extends, you may see by
this Lump upon my Back. Allowances in all Professions there must be,
since 'tis weak Man that is the weak Professor. Believe me, Senator,
for I have seen the Proof on't. The longest Beard amongst us is a Fool.
Cou'd you but stand behind the Curtain, and there observe the secret
Springs of State, you'd see, in all the Good or Evil that attends it,
ten Ounces of Chance for one Grain either of Wisdom or Roguery.
You'd see, perhaps, a venerable Statesman sit fast asleep in a great
downy Chair; whilst, in that soft Vacation of his Thought, blind Chance
(or what at least we blindly call so) shall so dispose a thousand
secret Wheels, that when he awakes, he needs but write his Name, to
publish to the World some blest Event, for which his Statue shall be
rais'd in Brass.
Perhaps a Moment thence, you shall behold him torturing his Brain; his
Thoughts all stretcht upon the Rack for publick Service. The live-long
Night, when all the World's at rest, consum'd in Care, and watching for
their Safety, then by a Whirlwind in his Fate, in spight of him, some
Mischief shall befall 'em, for which a furious Sentence strait shall
pass, and they shall vote him to the Scaffold. Even thus uncertain are
Rewards and Punishments; and even thus little do the People know, when
'tis the Statesman merits one or t'other.
_Gent._ Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise Man; for I never
till now perceived I was a Fool. But do you then really believe, Sir,
our Men in Business do the best they can?