The answer to this question is deceptively simple. You are ready if
you are old enough. But how old are you?
There are several yardsticks besides the calendar for measuring
your age. Educators enjoy telling the story of the wise young
orphan. When a sweet old lady leaned over and asked him his age the
young man removed his glasses, polished them thoughtfully for a
minute and then replied:
“My psychological age, Madam, is twelve years; my moral age
is ten years; my social age is eight years; my anatomical and
physiological ages are respectively six and seven; but I have not
been informed of my chronological age. That, I understand, is a
matter of comparative insignificance.”
When we ask you if you are old enough to marry, we mean mature
enough. And maturity, as it bears on your readiness for marriage,
can be measured in at least five ways: physiological, mental,
vocational, sexual and emotional maturity. By these standards some
people are not old enough to marry when they are thirty-five!
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU PHYSIOLOGICALLY? The adolescence of the early
teens is characterized by rapid bodily growth--growth in height,
weight and sexual development. By eighteen, however, you are nearly
as tall as you will ever be. Sexual growth, while not complete
(especially for a girl), has reached a point where reproduction is
possible. General growth slows down considerably and by twenty-four
has just about stopped. For purposes of marriage the average person
is “mature” physiologically by the age of twenty. But some require
more time, because of glandular disturbances.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU MENTALLY? We do not mean what is your I.Q., which
is a measure of your capacity to learn, but rather the accumulation
of your learning. In short, how wise are you? Normally a person
must live twenty-one or twenty-two years before he has seen enough
of life through schooling and practical experience to take on the
responsibilities that go with marriage. If you have led a sheltered
or one-sided life it will probably take longer.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU VOCATIONALLY? A man, certainly, is not mature until
he has established that he can earn a living. A college degree, a
license to practice medicine, to teach, or to practice barbering
are not enough. There must be a successful work record and that
cannot be present until a person has used his vocational knowledge
to make a living for a period of not less than one year.
Once it was thought that girls needed no special training
vocationally but that notion is pretty well outdated now. Modern
women like to feel independent, and frequently their ability to
earn money is called into use. Perhaps the husband is a disabled
war veteran, or perhaps the wife feels she needs a career to earn
money. At the least, the girl entering marriage should already be
capable of managing a home--and that requires skill and knowledge
that can’t be learned in a night club.
Since some occupations require many more years of education and
training than others, vocational maturity can fall anywhere between
eighteen and twenty-six, but for most people it doesn’t come until
about the age of twenty-two.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU SEXUALLY? Sexual maturity implies far more than the
ability to beget or bear a child. Most morons can do this. Sexual
maturity is largely determined by childhood and it is something
most people either have or don’t have.
A youngster who was reared by parents who were well balanced
emotionally, who were ready listeners to his problems, who
explained comprehensively the magic and mystery of sex functions
to him, will usually be ready to face the problems of sexual
adolescence. During adolescence he will be subjected to many
strains. He will undergo many glandular changes and begin to have
sexual capacity. The reproductive apparatus approaches maturity
between the ages of twelve and fourteen. The boy has emissions.
The girl begins to menstruate. Both often are disturbed or even
frightened by these new functions, unless the parent has been wise
enough to prepare them for the changes.
During adolescence they start “dating,” which at first is done
self-consciously and awkwardly. Their state of mind is made more
nervous if the parents tease or ridicule these first steps in
courting.
When the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age of
eighteen, they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well.
If so:
--There is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning
sex.
--There is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned.
--Likewise there is no _abnormal_ curiosity or longing for
sexual information or experience.
--He or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first
when in the presence of someone of the opposite sex but
both soon get over it when they find activities to share.
This is normally easy because by eighteen youngsters have
acquired skill in dancing, card playing, sports, hobbies, and
conversing.
If by eighteen or twenty a person hasn’t acquired sexual maturity
in the sense described, it might be a good idea to consult a
marriage counseling bureau, a college psycho-educational clinic, a
psychologist or some other person trained in helping normal people
achieve normal adjustments.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY? This is by far the most significant
of all your ages in determining your readiness to marry! Most of
the research on marriage indicates that people who lack “emotional
maturity” rarely achieve a happy marriage.
What is emotional maturity, you may ask? It’s a state of mind that
includes ability to get along with people ... ability to find
satisfaction and reward in work ... ability to recognize and solve
problems which involve your relations with others ... and finally
it includes freedom from instability and neuroticism.
As in sexual maturity (which is closely related to emotional
maturity) the first ten years of life are apparently the most
important in determining if you will be emotionally stable.
Certainly by the age of eighteen a person should have a pretty
firm hold on his emotions. If he has not acquired such balance by
twenty-one or twenty-two the outlook is not too promising, and he
should deliberately set out to achieve better control of himself.
A stenographer of twenty-four came to the Penn State Marriage
Counseling Service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscuous
affairs with men. She came from a broken home where her parents had
taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed serious signs
of emotional instability, as do virtually all promiscuous girls and
men.
Here is the verbatim report that was written on Sandra. It provides
a classic picture of emotional instability:
Sandra feels inferior, does many unconventional things, has
few standards or ideals. Badly maladjusted, she flits from
one boy to another, seeking new thrills. Quite promiscuous
and highly sexed, she has had sexual affairs with 12 or 13
men. Somewhat popular while in college, with attractive face
and nice figure, she was dated by many boys, none of whom
even went with her for more than four dates. Easily persuaded
to any course of action, she could readily excuse any breach
of behavior. Changeable and selfish, but anxious to be known
as a “Campus Queen,” she openly sought dates and a sort of
dubious and short-lived popularity.
Because of her instability, total lack of standards, ideals
and morals, and her selfishness and shallowness, she is
unlikely to marry unless she catches a rich “sucker.” She is
in six “danger zones” on her Audit Profile. May the Lord help
the poor man who is inveigled into marriage. No boy has ever
proposed marriage to her, a fact that has hurt her vanity.
To pin emotional maturity down more specifically, here side by side
are eight traits, one or more of which are frequently noted in
persons who are considered “emotionally immature,” and eight noted
in mature persons.
IMMATURE MATURE
1. Is aggressive and domineering. 1. Gets along with people.
2. Is rebellious and “bullheaded.” 2. Has satisfying home life.
3. Is full of hates and prejudices. 3. Profits from his mistakes.
4. Is often victim of illusions. 4. Is successful in his work.
5. Has many phobias, inhibitions. 5. Respects authority and
6. Is victim of imaginary pains, customs.
stuttering, hysteria, tremors, 6. He faces his problems.
insomnia. 7. Accepts responsibility for
7. Is high-strung. own acts.
8. Is often indecisive and anxious. 8. He is consistent and
predictable.
A person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those
symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them.
What can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions, and
thus achieve greater emotional maturity? Here are a few suggestions:
--_Try to look at yourself objectively._ Try to do so
especially in connection with your relations with others. Are
you reasonable rather than prejudiced? Can you recognize that
a man may be a fine person even though he is a Republican
or a Democrat, that he is a good person even though he may
be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honestly try to make
decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of
feelings, or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you?
Sit down every few weeks and try deliberately to look at
yourself as others must see you. Would you like yourself if
you were someone else?
--_Learn to laugh at yourself._ The person who can laugh
at himself, or who can laugh at the things he loves and
continue to love them, is the person who is most likely to
have insight into himself. And that insight is important in
emotional maturity. If you have a sense of the ridiculous you
can see fun in many of your own activities, and in doing so
are able to relax and feel happy. You learn to laugh at your
troubles, yet at the same time do your best to improve the
situation. This ability to see the ridiculous side acts as
a cushion and helps you maintain your stability, even when
things are most exasperating.
--_Set up a confidential relationship with some other
person._ Telling your problems to another person helps you
define the problem in your own mind, it furnishes relief
from the tensions you have built up, and it brings another
person’s point of view into the picture. One of the biggest
single values in marriage is the fact that it provides
husband and wife a confidant in each other, and gives them
the confidential relationship that is so important to mental
integration.
--_Seek work that satisfies you._ Nothing will prevent you
from getting a hold on your emotions more than being confined
every day to work that is disagreeable to you. If you find it
is uninteresting or doesn’t challenge you or doesn’t offer
any opportunity as a stepping stone to more challenging work,
change jobs. But do it intelligently, because the person who
is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk.
Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He had
been divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife,
wants to divorce her and marry a third woman. His job record shows
that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life. Is it any
wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life?
He does not know what he wants, can’t learn from experience, and is
pursuing a will-o’-the-wisp.
--_When you have a problem face it squarely._ Define the
problem, get all the facts, and line up alternative solutions
in case the first course isn’t successful. Many people seem
incapable of defining their problems. When they are faced
with a frustrating situation, they frequently are unable to
vary their attack upon it. When a girl can’t get her way she
cries. Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but it
does not solve the problem. The emotionally mature person can
keep his head, figure out something to do, but the immature
person gives up or cries or gets drunk.
We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than
to the other four ages--physiological, mental, vocational and
sexual--because it is so fundamental to marriage success. If
you find after reading this chapter you want to know more about
developing your own maturity, you will find further suggestions in
the chapters “Getting Along with the Other Sex,” “Attracting the
One You Want,” and “Crucial Traits for Marriage Happiness.”
When all the five “ages” are taken into consideration it would seem
that a girl should not consider marriage until she is at least
nineteen or twenty and the man should not before he is twenty-one
or twenty-two. Those are minimum ages for normal men and girls.
Those who develop slower than average in any of the five ages
should try to wait a year or two longer before deciding about
marriage.
ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY?
Your chronological age is not as important as some of your
other ages in determining whether you are ready for marriage.
The informal check below may give you a rough idea of your
maturity for marriage.
_Physiological Maturity_
Are you 20 years old or older? Yes No
Are you in general good health? Yes No
As far as you know is your glandular balance normal? Yes No
_Mental Maturity_
Did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more
than one grade? Yes No
Do you read the news daily? Yes No
By age 20 had you completed at least two years of college
or earned your own living for 2 years? Yes No
_Vocational Maturity_
Are you prepared by education or experience to make a
living in a specific occupation, or in managing a home? Yes No
Have you attained your 22d birthday? Yes No
Do you have a job doing work for which you have prepared? Yes No
_Sexual Maturity_
Have you been dating at least once a month since age 16? Yes No
Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or
aversion? Yes No
Were your parents easy to talk to about sex? Yes No
_Emotional Maturity_
Do you get along well with people? Yes No
Do you trust people and do they trust you? Yes No
Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today? Yes No
Give yourself one point for each _yes_ answer. You should
have a total score of at least twelve and should have no less
than two _yes_ answers in each category if you are to be
judged old enough to marry.
ARE YOU GROWN UP EMOTIONALLY?
More than almost anything else, your rating on “emotional
maturity” reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage.
Here is a more detailed test of your rating on this crucial
trait. Answer _yes_ only if you are sure.
1. Can you accept criticism without having your feelings
hurt? Yes No
2. Are you normally free from jealousy? Yes No
3. When you have differences with people can you usually
work out compromises that satisfy you and don’t leave
hard feelings? Yes No
4. Do you behave yourself because it seems the natural
thing to do and not because you fear the consequences
of misbehaving? Yes No
5. Do you think most people are honest, decent and worth
while? Yes No
6. Are you happy most of the time--and free from violent
emotional outbursts? Yes No
7. Before beginning a new project or making a final decision
do you honestly weigh the arguments for and against it? Yes No
8. Can you be away from the place you live for a month
without getting homesick? Yes No
9. Do you willingly abide by established authority and the
customs of your community? Yes No
10. Can you make your own personal decisions without depending
on friends and relatives to help you make up your mind? Yes No
11. Are you free from vague aches, nail biting, flustered
stammering? Yes No
12. Can you postpone something you want to do now in order
to have greater enjoyment later? Yes No
13. Are you living zestfully in the present instead of
bragging about past deeds? Yes No
14. Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without
nightmares? Yes No
15. Do you get along well with your parents, relatives, and
close friends? Yes No
16. When things go wrong do you find the cause and correct
it instead of blaming others or lamenting your bad
breaks? Yes No
17. Are you living up to the responsibilities which go along
with the privileges given to you? Yes No
18. Have you friends among both sexes, some older and some
younger than you are? Yes No
If you honestly answered _yes_ to fourteen of these or more
you are more mature emotionally than the average person. If
you answered _yes_ to sixteen or more you should have an
exceptionally good chance for a happy marriage.
_Chapter IV_
Is It Love--or Infatuation?
“Love” is unquestionably the most abused word in the English
language. People “love” puppies, or they “love” ice cream. Women
commonly close their letters to acquaintances with the word “love”
as do all relatives when they write to one another. Boys trying to
get a kiss from their girl friends mumble something about love.
That’s to make the giving easier for the girl.
Then there are different kinds of genuine love. A mother loves her
two-year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her husband.
And she loves her husband now just as much as she did as a girl
eight years ago when she “fell” in love with him, but the love is
different. She was more misty-eyed then. She didn’t realize it but
the earlier love was heavily flavored by sexual attraction. Now
sex is still present in her regard for her husband but the bond
is primarily a deep feeling of comradeship. And with the baby, of
course, true sexual feelings are not involved at all.
In all three of the cases, however, she had developed a deep
concern for the welfare of the loved one; and in all three of
the cases the loved one had similar feelings of attachment to
her. Right here you have the gist of true love, whether parental,
conjugal or romantic.
Still, it is often difficult to know if your “love” is the real
thing. Two out of five of the girls who come to the Penn State
Marriage Counseling Service for advice about their affairs think
they are in love but aren’t sure.
One girl was really confused. She reported that she was terribly
in love with two different men at the college. One was on the
basketball team. The other played in a campus orchestra. She did
not know which one she loved the more and wanted to be told which
to choose. Tests soon established beyond a doubt that she had the
warmest kind of physical feeling for both men. But the tests also
showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as “catches.” She
wasn’t actually in love with either, and was so informed.
She was the victim of double infatuation. How can you tell love
from infatuation? Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College offers these
points of distinction:--
Infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time.
Infatuation can be based on one or two traits (usually
including sex appeal) whereas love is based on many traits.
In infatuation the person is in “love” with love, whereas in
love, the person is in love with another person.
In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate
entity and employed for self-gratification. In real love
there is a feeling of identity with the other person.
Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful
thinking whereas love produces a sense of security.
In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc.,
whereas in love you work and plan to please the other person.
The physical element is much more important in infatuation
than in love.
Infatuation may change quickly but love lasts.
In general you can be surer that it is really love if it has
developed over a period of time rather than if it comes all of a
sudden.
But, you may ask, how about those couples who are “meant for each
other” and “fell in love at first sight.” Both are nice romantic
notions, but both have little validity in fact.
There is _no_ one person in the world for anyone. We don’t expect
happily married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that
but all the evidence indicates it is true. There are hundreds,
indeed thousands, of people that you could fall in love with and
be happily married to. (And there are, of course, thousands and
perhaps millions of people you would be miserable with as mates.)
The only sense in which there can be a “one and only” for you
is that there may be only one good prospect within your range of
possible acquaintanceship. It is the multitude of good possible
mates that sometimes makes it difficult for a girl to choose
between two men. It is the multitude of possibilities that produces
triangular situations after marriages; and it is this multitude of
available mates in America that makes it possible for a girl to
find and love a man in her own community rather than to have to go
from Maine to California to meet a “one and only.”
As for instantaneous love, a girl has about as much chance
of “falling in love at first sight” as she does of becoming
Cinderella. At times couples experience “infatuation at first
sight” which may or may not later mature into love. And ordinarily
the infatuation is based about eighty per cent on sexual
attraction. “Love at first sight” also often occurs when you come
across someone who happens to match your “phantasy ideal” for
a mate. If you have always dreamed of a bride with large brown
eyes, a turned-up nose and a shapely figure--and you are ripe for
mating--you fall for the first girl matching that description. It
is a mighty hazardous way to try to pick a mate.
Other people think they fall in love “at first sight” because they
are desperately anxious to have some one to hold to, and clutch
at the first person who comes along. They suffer from feelings of
insecurity. This was particularly true of girls during the war.
One girl who came to the Penn State clinic was rapturous about her
coming marriage to an army lieutenant stationed temporarily at the
college. Why did she love him? She was pretty vague about that and
seemed to resent the question. What did they have in common in the
way of interests and ideals? The only thing she could think of was
that they both liked to bowl. It soon developed that what she was
in love with was the idea of getting married. She was twenty-seven
and nervous about her future. That she was sincerely convinced
she was in love with the man was a tribute to her own powers of
self-deception. She realized that she _should_ in all decency be
in love with the man she was going to marry, and convinced herself
that she was.
Frequently two people fall so madly in “love” soon after meeting
that they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so
well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a
state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if
they don’t get married tomorrow or next week. Real love can wait.
It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed.
The more urgent the desire to get married immediately, the greater
the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may
die out as abruptly as it sprang into being.
But why, you may ask, is love at first sight so improbable? Why
can’t you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks
of knowing each other?
Here we get to the essence of love, which Webster’s dictionary
defines as: “Desire for, and earnest effort to promote the welfare
of, another.” Love is not a trap you fall into. It is a state of
respect for and comradeship with another that has developed from
the fact that you both have similar tastes, ideals and yearnings.
Such comradeship cannot come as a result of one date.
Cynics have said that “love is of all feelings the most egoistic
and consequently is, when crossed, the least generous.” That
assumes love is possessive and selfish. Genuine love as we
understand it today is the medium through which the fullest
development of the personalities of a man and woman may take place.
And it involves a keen desire for the welfare of the loved person.
There is nothing egoistic about real love!
Here briefly are some conditions that are usually present before
love can develop:
--The two persons have had experiences together that have
caused each to react favorably to the other.
--They have each found present in the other qualities,
standards and ideals which they admire.
--Their sexual feelings have been so favorably conditioned,
without their realizing it, that they find great pleasure
just in being in each other’s presence.