THE CONFESSION OF CHILDREN.
No words can express to those who have never had any experience in the
matter, the consternation, anxiety and shame of a poor Romish child,
when he hears, for the first time, his priest saying from the pulpit, in
a grave and solemn tone, “This week, you will send your children to
confession. Make them understand that this action is one of the most
important of their lives, that for every one of them, it will decide
their eternal happiness or misery. Fathers and mothers, if, through your
fault, or his own, your child is guilty of a bad confession—if he
conceals his sins and commences lying to the priest, who holds the place
of God himself, this sin is often irreparable. The devil will take
possession of his heart: he will become accustomed to lie to his father
confessor, or rather to Jesus Christ, of whom he is a representative.
His life will be a series of sacrileges; his death and eternity those of
the reprobate. Teach him, therefore, to examine thoroughly his actions,
words and thoughts, in order to confess without disguise.”
I was in the church of St. Thomas when those words fell upon me like a
thunderbolt.
I had often heard my mother say, when at home, and my aunt, since I had
come to St. Thomas, that upon the first confession depended my eternal
happiness or misery. That week was, therefore, to decide about my
eternity.
Pale and dismayed, I left the church, and returned to the house of my
relatives. I took my place at the table, but could not eat, so much was
I troubled. I went to my room for the purpose of commencing my
examination of conscience and to try to recall my sinful actions, words,
and thoughts. Although scarcely over ten years of age, this task was
really overwhelming for me. I knelt down to pray to the Virgin Mary for
help; but I was so much taken up with the fear of forgetting something,
and of making a bad confession, that I muttered my prayers without the
least attention to what I said. It became still worse when I commenced
counting my sins. My memory became confused, my head grew dizzy; my
heart beat with a rapidity which exhausted me, and my brow was covered
with perspiration. After a considerable length of time spent in these
painful efforts, I felt bordering on despair, from the fear that it was
impossible for me to remember everything. The night following was almost
a sleepless one; and when sleep did come, it could scarcely be called a
sleep, but a suffocating delirium. In a frightful dream, I felt as if I
had been cast into hell, for not having confessed all my sins to the
priest. In the morning, I awoke, fatigued and prostrated by the phantoms
of that terrible night. In similar troubles of mind were passed three
days which preceded my first confession. I had constantly before me the
countenance of that stern priest who had never smiled upon me. He was
present in my thoughts during the day, and in my dreams during the
night, as the minister of an angry God, justly irritated against me on
account of my sins. Forgiveness had indeed been promised to me, on
condition of a good confession; but my place had also been shown to me
in hell, if my confession was not as near perfection as possible. Now,
my troubled conscience told me that there were ninety-nine chances
against one, that my confession would be bad, whether by my own fault I
forgot some sins, or I was without that contrition of which I had heard
so much, but the nature and effects of which were a perfect chaos to my
mind.
Thus it was that the cruel and perfidious Church of Rome took away from
my young heart the good and merciful Jesus, whose love and compassion
had caused me to shed tears of joy when I was beside my mother. The
Saviour whom that church made me to worship, through fear, was not the
Saviour who called little children unto Him, to bless them and take them
in His arms. Her impious hands were soon to torture and defile my
childish heart, and place me at the feet of a pale and severe looking
man—worthy representative of a pitiless God. I was made to tremble with
terror at the footstool of an implacable divinity, while the gospel
asked of me only tears of love and joy, shed at the feet of the
incomparable Friend of sinners!
At length came the day of confession; or rather of judgment and
condemnation. I presented myself to the priest.
Mr. Loranger was no longer priest of St. Thomas. He had been succeeded
by Mr. Beaubien, who did not favor our school any more than his
predecessor. He had even taken upon himself to preach a sermon against
the heretical school, by which we had been excessively wounded. His want
of love for us, however, I must say, was fully reciprocated.
Mr. Beaubien had, then, the defect of lisping and stammering. This we
often turned into ridicule, and one of my favorite amusements was to
imitate him, which brought bursts of laughter from us all.
It had been necessary for me to examine myself upon the number of times
I had mocked him. This circumstance was not calculated to make my
confession easier, or more agreeable.
At last the dreaded moment came. I knelt at the side of my confessor. My
whole frame trembled. I repeated the prayer preparatory to confession,
scarcely knowing what I said so much was I troubled with fear.
By the instructions which had been given us before confession, we had
been made to believe that the priest was the true representative—yea,
almost the personification of Jesus Christ. The consequence was, that I
believed my greatest sin had been that of mocking the priest. Having
always been told that it was best to confess the greatest sin first, I
commenced thus: “Father I accuse myself of having mocked a priest.”
Scarcely had I uttered these words, “mocked a priest,” when this
pretended representative of the humble Saviour, turning towards me, and
looking in my face in order to know me better, asked abruptly, “What
priest did you mock, my boy?” I would rather have chosen to cut out my
tongue than to tell him to his face who it was. I therefore kept silent
for a while. But my silence made him very nervous and almost angry. With
a haughty tone of voice he said, “What priest did you take the liberty
of thus mocking?”
I saw that I had to answer. Happily his haughtiness had made me firmer
and bolder. I said “Sir, you are the priest whom I mocked.”
“But how many times did you take upon you to mock me, my boy?”
“I tried to find out,” I answered, “but never could.”
“You must tell me how many times; for to mock one’s own priest is a
great sin.”
“It is impossible for me to give you the number of times,” answered I.
“Well, my child, I will help your memory by asking you questions. Tell
me the truth. Do you think you have mocked me ten times?”
“A great many times more, sir.”
“Fifty times?”
“Many more still.”
“A hundred times?”
“Say five hundred times and perhaps more,” answered I.
“Why, my boy, do you spend all your time in mocking me?”
“Not all; but unfortunately I do it very often.”
“Well may you say _unfortunately_; for so to mock your priest, who holds
the place of our Lord Jesus Christ, is a great misfortune, and a great
sin for you. But tell me, my little boy, what reason have you for
mocking me thus?”
In my examinations of conscience I had not foreseen that I should be
obliged to give the reasons for mocking the priest; and I was really
thunderstruck by his questions. I dared not answer, and I remained for a
long time dumb, from the shame that overpowered me. But with a
harrassing perseverance the priest insisted on my telling why I had
mocked him; telling me that I should be damned if I did not tell the
whole truth. So I decided to speak, and said, “I mocked you for several
things.”
“What made you first mock me?” continued the priest.
“I laughed at you because you lisped. Among the pupils of our school, it
often happens that we imitate your preaching to excite laughter.”
“Have you often done that?”
“Almost every day, especially in our holidays, and since you preached
against us.”
“For what other reasons did you laugh at me, my little boy?”
For a long time I was silent. Every time I opened my mouth to speak
courage failed me. However, the priest continuing to urge me, I said at
last, “It is rumored in town that you love girls; that you visit the
Misses Richards every evening, and this often makes us laugh.”
The poor priest was evidently overwhelmed by my answer, and ceased
questioning me on this subject. Changing the conversation, he said:
“What are your other sins?”
I began to confess them in the order in which they came to my memory.
But the feeling of shame which overpowered me in repeating all my sins
to this man was a thousand times greater than that of having offended
God. In reality this feeling of human shame which absorbed my
thought—nay, my whole being—left no room for any religious feeling at
all.
When I had confessed all the sins I could remember, the priest began to
ask me the strangest questions on matters about which my pen must be
silent. I replied, “Father, I do not understand what you ask me.”
“I question you on the sixth commandment (seventh in the Bible). Confess
all. You will go to hell, if through your fault you omit anything.”
Thereupon he dragged my thoughts to regions which, thank God had
hitherto been unknown to me.
I answered him: “I do not understand you,” or “I have never done these
things.”
Then, skilfully shifting to some secondary matter, he would soon slyly
and cunningly come back to his favorite subject, namely, sins of
licentiousness.
His questions were so unclean that I blushed, and felt sick with disgust
and shame. More than once I had been, to my regret, in the company of
bad boys; but not one of them has offended my moral nature so much as
this priest had done. Not one of them had ever approached the shadow of
the things from which that man tore the veil, and which he placed before
the eye of my soul. In vain did I tell him that I was not guilty of such
things; that I did not even understand what he asked me; he would not
let me off. Like the vulture bent upon tearing the poor bird that falls
into his claws, that cruel priest seemed determined to defile and ruin
my heart.
At last he asked me a question in a form of expression so bad that I was
really pained. I felt as if I had received a shock from an electric
battery; a feeling of horror made me shudder. I was so filled with
indignation that, speaking loud enough to be heard by many, I told him:
“Sir, I am very wicked; I have seen, heard and done many things which I
regret; but I never was guilty of what you mention to me. My ears have
never heard anything so wicked as what they have heard from your lips.
Please do not ask me any more of those questions; do not teach me any
more evil than I already know.”
The remainder of my confession was short. The firmness of my voice had
evidently frightened the priest, and made him blush. He stopped short
and began to give me some good advice, which might have been useful to
me if the deep wounds which his questions had inflicted upon my soul had
not so absorbed my thoughts as to prevent me from giving attention to
what he said.
He gave me a short penance and dismissed me.
I left the confessional irritated and confused. From the shame of what I
had just heard from the mouth of that priest I dared not lift my eyes
from the ground. I went into a retired corner of the church to do my
penance; that is, to recite the prayers he had indicated to me. I
remained for a long time in church. I had need of a calm after the
terrible trial through which I had just passed. But vainly I sought for
rest. The shameful questions which had been asked me, the new world of
iniquity into which I had been introduced, the impure phantoms by which
my childish heart had been defiled, confused and troubled my mind so
strangely that I began to weep bitterly.
Why those tears? Why that desolation? I wept over my sins? Alas! I
confess it with shame, my sins did not call forth those tears. And yet
how many sins had I already committed, for which Jesus shed his precious
blood. But I confess my sins were not the cause of my desolation. I was
rather thinking of my mother, who had taken such good care of me, and
who had so well succeeded in keeping away from my thoughts those impure
forms of sin, the thoughts of which had just now defiled my heart. I
said to myself, Ah! if my mother had heard those questions; if she could
see the evil thoughts which overwhelm me at this moment—if she knew to
what school she sent me when she advised me in her last letter to go to
confession, how her tears would mingle with mine! It seemed to me that
my mother would love me no more—that she would see written upon my brow
the pollution with which that priest had profaned my soul.
Perhaps the feeling of pride was what made me weep. Or perhaps I wept
because of a remnant of that feeling of original dignity whose traces
had still been left in me. I felt so downcast by the disappointment of
being removed farther from the Saviour by that confessional which had
promised to bring me nearer to Him. God only knows what was the depth of
my sorrow at feeling myself more defiled and more guilty after than
before my confession.
I left the church only when forced to do so by the shades of night, and
came to my uncle’s house with that feeling of uneasiness caused by the
consciousness of having done a bad action, and by the fear of being
discovered.
Though this uncle, as well as most of the principal citizens of the
village of St. Thomas, had the name of being a Roman Catholic, yet he
did not believe a word of the doctrines of the Roman Church. He laughed
at the priests, their masses, their purgatory, and especially their
confession. He did not conceal that when young, he had been scandalized
by the words and actions of a priest in the confessional. He spoke to me
jestingly. This increased my trouble and my grief. “Now,” said he “you
will be a good boy. But if you have heard as many new things as I did
the first time I went to confess, you are a very learned boy;” and he
burst into laughter.
I blushed and remained silent. My aunt, who was a devoted Roman
Catholic, said to me, “Your heart is relieved, is it not, since you
confessed all your sins?” I gave her an evasive answer, but I could not
conceal the sadness that overcame me. I thought I was the only one from
whom the priest had asked those polluting questions. But great was my
surprise, on the following day, when going to school I learned that my
fellow pupils had not been happier than I had been. The only difference
was, that instead of being grieved, they laughed at it. “Did the priest
ask you such and such questions?” they would demand laughing
boisterously. I refused to reply, and said, “Are you not ashamed to
speak of these things?”
“Ah! ah! how very scrupulous you are,” continued they. “If it is not a
sin for the priest to speak to us on these matters, how can it be a sin
for us?” I stopped, confounded, not knowing what to say.
I soon perceived that even the young school girls had not been less
polluted and scandalized by the questions of the priest than the boys.
Although keeping at a distance, such as to prevent us from hearing all
they said, I could understand enough to convince me that they had been
asked about the same questions. Some of them appeared indignant, while
others laughed heartily.
I should be misunderstood were it supposed that I mean to convey the
idea that this priest was more to blame than others, or that he did more
than fulfil the duties of his ministry in asking these questions. Such,
however, was my opinion at the time, and I detested that man with all my
heart until I knew better. I had been unjust towards him, for this
priest had only done his duty. He was only obeying the Pope and his
theologians. His being a priest of Rome was, therefore, less his crime
than his misfortune. He was, as I have been myself, bound hand and foot
at the feet of the greatest enemy that the holiness and truth of God
have ever had on earth—the Pope.
The misfortune of Mr. Beaubien, like that of all the priests of Rome,
was that of having bound himself by terrible oaths not to think for
himself, or to use the light of his own reason.
Many Roman Catholics, even many Protestants, refuse to believe this. It
is, notwithstanding, a sad truth. The priest of Rome is an automaton—a
machine which acts, thinks and speaks in matters of morals and of faith,
only according to the order and the will of the Pope and his
theologians.
Had Mr. Beaubien been left to himself, he was naturally too much of a
gentleman to ask such questions. But no doubt he had read Liguori, Dens,
Debreyne, authors approved by the Pope, and he was obliged to take
darkness for light, and vice for virtue.