No. IV.
(_From DIETRICH Q. FRIEDLICHER, an American Citizen._)
KAISER WILHELM,--I've been hearing no end during the last month or two
about German efforts to capture American opinion. It seems you think us
a poor sort of creatures unable to find out for ourselves the right way
of things. You've been measuring our people up and you've got a kind of
fancy that we're running about our continent with our eyes staring and
our mouths gaping and our poor silly tongues wagging, and that we're
busy collecting thoughts from one another about this war in Europe so we
shan't look ignorant when we read what other countries are doing. "See
here," I'm supposed to be saying as I go around,--"see here! What's this
Belgium, anyway, and how in thunder does she come to stand out agin the
great German army? And why are the Germans knocking Belgium to flinders
and shooting her citizens? Ain't the Germans Christians? Ain't their
soldiers generous and their officers merciful? Well then, it kinder
puzzles me to see the way they're getting to work. It's no wonder the
Belgian is set agin them. They're a little lot, them Belgians are, and
it's a queer thing, ain't it, that they should make all this trouble?
But I dunno. Maybe, there's something to be said for 'em if we only
knew. Then there's the English. They say they're fighting for freedom
this time, and maybe they're right to stick to their word and back up
their treaties. But it don't seem very clear as far as I can size it up.
Won't some kind gentleman come along and give me the true story?"
That's what I'm supposed to be saying, and you thought you heard me all
the way from Potsdam, and you took a good deep think, and "Bless me,"
you said, "it's ten thousand pities to let old man Friedlicher go along
with his mind empty when there's a heap of good German opinions lying
around just asking to be put into it. I'll cable BERNSTORFF to fill him
up." So there's poor BERNSTORFF turning himself inside out to please you
and educate me. Don't he prove a lot? From 9 to 10 he lectures about
Germany's love for America and the beautiful statue of FREDERICK THE
GREAT at Annapolis; from 10 to 11 he socks it into England--says she's a
robber power and blacker'n any of the niggers she hires to do her
fighting for her; from 11 to 12 he settles Russia by calling her a
barbarian Empire; and from 12 to 1 he tells me how Germany's burning
Belgium for Belgium's good; and then he dismisses me and says, if I'll
come back to-morrow morning, he'll pitch me a story about the French
peril, and how Germany can help America to escape it.
KAISER, it's no good. My father was a German, and he knew your lot, and
he used to tell me all he knew. He had to quit Prussia pretty quick
after 1848--that's the year your great-uncle had to take off his hat to
the citizens of Berlin, and your venerable grandfather had to pay a
visit to England, German air not being good for his health. I know all
that there is to be known about you. I don't want any BERNSTORFF, no,
nor yet any DERNBURG, to tell me why this fight's fighting and to
explain the Belgian wickedness to me. You and your blamed professors and
soldiers, you've all been spoiling for war these ten years past, and now
that you've got it you're out to tell the Americans that the other
fellows drove you into it. All I've got to say is, I don't believe
it--and what's more, no sensible American believes it either. That's all
there is to it.
Yours sincerely,
DIETRICH.
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Motto for the KAISER (reported as having been last seen at Cologne):
"East, West, hame's best."
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Illustration: A NORTH SEA CHANTEY.
(_To the tune of "Tipperary."_)
JACK. "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAIT FOR WILLIAM'S NAVY. BUT MY HEART'S RIGHT
HERE."
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Illustration: _Officer._ "WHAT IN THUNDER HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THE
MORNING? THIS LEATHER'S NOT DRESSED; THERE'S MUD ON IT STILL!"
_Recruit (ex-Cyclist)._ "SORRY, SIR, BUT I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY TIME
POLISHING THE PEDALS."
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