A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington
correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle
of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted
behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his
body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.
When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a
handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.
19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."
"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga
and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your
command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,
courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great
difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!
"A. LINCOLN."
Fix the Date.
Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's
a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:
"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"
Rival of Uncle Abe.
Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the
following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.
"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel
Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives
declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every
Confederate victory."
Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.
Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and
one-half of another."
"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was
speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,
"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather
against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie
during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and
asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every
evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson
is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and
soil his clothes before he gets through."
"Thought he Must be Good for Something."
An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,
was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret
that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.
"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like
Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as
a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,
saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him
for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he
_must_ be good for coons.'"
Aptly Said.
To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and
suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:
"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than
aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.
It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who
had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.
A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his
aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped
this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,
never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"
The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.
"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat
remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground
up to the hub.
"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."
"Linkums" Sold Cheap.
Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist
of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as
he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in
putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in
town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept
his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his
buyers, and hard to deal with.
One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's
shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *
"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"
"No--don't want'em."
"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.
"Well, how do you sell to-day?"
"Fifty cent piece."
"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose
the Italian.
"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.
A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give
away.
"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,
showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.
"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get
too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an
odor of fact."
April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.
Uncle Abe as a Pilot.
The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while
his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy
pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a
tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and
sing out--
"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,
do ye?"
"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.
"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"
"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"
"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about
that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my
size."
The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of
countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you
piloted," asked--
"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags
are?"
"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well
acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much
about them."
"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,
"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"
At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic
expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he
drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a
voice of thunder:
"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know
where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"
It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that
the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the
best pilots on the river.
(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)
Uncle Abe's Valentine.
Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the
shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The
bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while
at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of
"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously
transmuted.
Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always
acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,
went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order
that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was
not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but
appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his
department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a
slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would
like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial
management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his
subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give
a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose
question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed
liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on
this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"
replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,
"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"
"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am
thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to
be relieved from my duties as Secretary."
"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can
soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have
suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let
the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come
out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign
unless Seward did.
"That reminds me of a little story."
"My Mary Ann."
Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point
colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities
and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a
group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."
An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to
be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next
morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their
confinement.
"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in
derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."
The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the
choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that
the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,
or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's
wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."
Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.
Uncle Abe's Honor.
At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.
Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of
calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.
Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but
attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.
L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a
bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost
as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.
Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a
number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial
position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound
disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the
matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified
predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine
upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had
taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was
nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor
hurt?"
"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread
out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his
trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"
"Smoke That."
During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the
Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long
Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this
delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.
Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and
some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session
to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out
as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.
Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal
the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,
we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle
Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry
"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used
at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe
and smoke it."
A Sufficient Reason.
Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because
merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.
The Boy and the Bear.
A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just
after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his
cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a
thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held
the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very
vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,
turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the
bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,
and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the
bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after
becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake
come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said
Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on
to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to
help me let him go."
Too Deep.
During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in
hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads
exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,
the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the
officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast
me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too
deep already; I am up to the neck."
Uncle Abe's First Speech.
When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of
Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a
certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but
could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;
when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the
House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable
gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"
Cute.
One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,
and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother
Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered
the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat
catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like
trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse
eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the
landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had
squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."
Abe's Spelling.
Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his
law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean
they won't pay for good spelling."
A Soldier's Theory of the War.
The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of
that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the
following is a sample:
"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President
Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They
met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by
dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the
Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.
Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so
that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want
it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on
that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."
Nigger Mathematics.
Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of
Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the
Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned
to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid
there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled
at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there
must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I
suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle
Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,
resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels
on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my
neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring
up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a
mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and
called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,
you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All
right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail
fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,
ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'
laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_
left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me
say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger
mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in
this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was
then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the
other two flew off over the Potomac.
Long and Short of it.
"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short
of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at
Washington_.
A Handy Faculty.
Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the
Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--
"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"
"Why?"
"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."
"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"
And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.
Uncle Abe on Time.
A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah
Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of
time."
"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in
_shuffling and dealing_."
A Story that had no Reminder.
During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a
distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for
the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle
Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the
current seems to be setting all one way!"
"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of
the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories
since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.
It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits
of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous
volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are
seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many
years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under
all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a
while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet
in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the
tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the
ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter
current, some twenty feet below!"
"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first
time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard
before!"