IN WHICH GOOD LUCK AND BAD LUCK ARE DISTRIBUTED IN EQUAL PROPORTIONS.
The good luck seemed to have anticipated Mr. Schnackenberger's nearest
wishes. For on reaching the Double-barrelled Gun, whither he arrived without
further disturbance than that of the general gazing to which he was exposed
by the fragment of a coat which survived from the late engagement, a billet
was put into his hands of the following tenor: 'Come and explain this
evening, if you can explain, your astonishing neglect of this morning's
appointment. I shall be at the theatre; and shall do what I can to dismiss
my attendants.'
But bad luck came also--in the person of a lawyer. The lawyer stated that he
called on the part of the landlady of the Golden Sow, to put the question
for the last time in civil terms, 'whether Mr. Schnackenberger were prepared
to fulfil those just expectations which he had raised in her heart; or
whether she must be compelled to pursue her claims by due course of law.'
Mr. Schnackenberger was beginning to launch out with great fury upon the
shameless and barefaced impudence of such expectations: but the attorney
interrupted him; and observed with provoking coolness, 'that there was no
occasion for any warmth--no occasion in the world; that certainly Mrs.
Sweetbread could not have framed these expectations wholly out of the air:
something (and he grinned sarcastically), something, it must be supposed,
had passed: now, for instance, this wedding-shirt of the late Mr.
Sweetbread--she would hardly, I think, have resigned this to your use, Mr.
Schnackenberger, unless some engagements had preceded either in the shape of
words or of actions. However, said he, this is no part of my business: what
remains for me to do on this occasion is to present her account; and let me
add, that I am instructed to say that, if you come to a proper understanding
with her on the first point, no further notice will be taken of this last
part of my client's demand.
The unfortunate Mr. Schnackenberger considered the case most ruefully and in
awful perturbation. He perspired exceedingly. However, at length--'Come, I
don't care,' said he, 'I know what I'll do:' and then sitting down, he drew
up a paper, which he presented to Mr. Attorney; at the same time, explaining
to him that, rather than be exposed in a court of justice as a supposed
lover of Mrs. Sweetbread's, he was content to pay the monstrous charges of
her bill without applying to a magistrate for his revision: but upon this
condition only, that Mrs. Sweetbread should for herself, heirs, and
assigns, execute a general release with regard to Mr. Jeremiah
Schnackenberger's body, according to the form here drawn up by himself, and
should engage on no pretence whatever to set up any claim to him in times to
come.
The attorney took his leave for the purpose of laying this _release_ before
his client: but the landlord of the Double-barrelled Gun, to whom in
confidence Mr. Jeremiah disclosed his perilous situation, shook his head,
and said, that if the other party signed the release on the conditions
offered, it would be fortunate: as in that case, Mr. Schnackenberger would
come off on much easier terms than twenty-three other gentlemen had done,
who had all turned into the Golden Sow on different occasions, but not one
of whom had ever got clear of the Golden Sow without an expensive contest at
law. 'God bless my soul!' said Mr. Schnackenberger, who now 'funked'[24]
enormously; 'if that's the case, she might well have so much spare room to
offer me: twenty-three gentlemen! God bless my soul!'
[24] If any reader should happen not to be acquainted with this word, which,
however, is fine old English, and classical at Eton, &c.--the nearest
synonym which I remember at this moment is _Expavesco_.
At this instant, a servant brought back the shoes and clothes of Mr.
Schnackenberger's own manufacture, which had been pulled off and left at the
hotel of the princess. The student gave up the pumps and the borrowed coat
to the astonished servant, with an assurance that he would wait on her
Highness and make his personal excuses to her, on account of 'a little
accident' which had that morning befallen the coat. He then dispatched his
own coat to a quarter where something or other might be done to fit it for
this sublunary world.