IN WHAT MANNER MR. JEREMIAH PREPARED HIMSELF FOR THE BALL.
As Mr. Jeremiah stood looking out of the window for the purpose of
whiling away a tedious forenoon, it first struck his mind--upon the
sight of a number of men dressed very differently from himself--that
his wardrobe would scarcely match with the festal splendour of the
_fête_ at which he was to be present in the evening. Even if it had been
possible to overlook the tarnished lustre of his coat, not much
embellished by its late watery trials upon the golden sow, yet he could
not possibly make his appearance in a surtout. He sent therefore to one
tailor after another: but all assured him that they had their hands much
too full of business to undertake the conversion of his surtout into a
dress coat against the evening; still less could they undertake to make
a new one. Just as vainly did he look about for shoes: many were on
sale; but none of them with premises spacious enough to accommodate his
very respectable feet.
All this put him into no little perplexity. True it was, that Mrs.
Sweetbread had spontaneously thrown open to his inspection the wardrobe
of her deceased husband. But even _he_ had contrived to go through this
world in shoes of considerably smaller dimensions than Mr. Jeremiah
demanded. And from a pretty large choice of coats there was not one
which he could turn to account. For, to say nothing of their being one
and all too short by a good half ell, even in the very best of them he
looked precisely as that man looks who has lately slaughtered a hog, or
as that man looks who designs to slaughter a hog.
Now, then, when all his plans for meeting the exigencies of his case had
turned out abortive, suddenly a bold idea struck him. In a sort of
inspiration he seized a pair of scissors, for the purpose of converting
with his own untutored hand of genius his pea-green surtout into a
pea-green frock. This operation having, in his own judgment, succeeded
to a marvel, he no longer hesitated to cut out a pair of ball shoes from
his neat's-leather 'field-pieces.' Whatever equipments were still
wanting could be had for money, with the exception of a shirt; and, as
to _that_, the wedding shirt of the late Mr. Sweetbread would answer the
purpose very passably.
What provoked our hero most of all were the new patent shoe-buckles, the
fine points of which would not take firm hold of the coarse leather
shoes, but on every bold step burst asunder--so that he was obliged to
keep his eye warily upon them, and in consideration of their tender
condition, to set his feet down to the ground very gently.
The hostess had just sunk pretty deep into her customary failing of
intoxication, when he went to her and asked how he looked in his gala
dress.
'Look!' said she; 'why, like a king baked in gingerbread. Ah! now, such
a man as you is the man for my money:--stout, and resolute, and active,
and a man that----'
'Basta! sufficit, my dear.'
'To be sure, for his professional merit, I mustn't say anything against
the late Mr. Sweetbread: No, nobody must say anything against _that_: he
was the man for slaughtering of swine; Oh! he slaughtered them, that it
was beautiful to see! pigs in particular, and pigs in general, were what
he understood. Ah! lord! to my dying day I shall never forget the great
sow that he presented to our gracious princess when she was at the
baths, two years come Michaelmas. Says her Highness to him, says
she,--"Master," says she, "one may see by your look that you understand
how to fatten: anybody," says she, "may see it in his face: a child may
see it by the very look on him. Ah!" says her Highness, "he's the man
for swine: he was born to converse with hogs: he's a heaven-born curer
of bacon."--Lord! Mr. Schnackenberger, you'll not believe how these
gracious words revived my very heart! The tears came into my eyes, and I
couldn't speak for joy. But, when all's said and done, what's fame?
what's glory? say I. A man like you is the man for me: but for such
another lazy old night-cap as the late Mr. Sweetbread----'
'Bah! sufficit, sweetheart;' at the same time squeezing her hand, which
she took as an intimation that she ought not to trouble herself with the
past, but rather look forward to a joyous futurity.
As the hour drew near for presenting himself in the circle of the
princess, Mr. Jeremiah recommended to her the most vigilant care of
Juno, from whom he very unwillingly separated himself in these last days
of their connection--and not until he had satisfied himself that it was
absolutely impossible to take her with him to the ball. Another
favourite, namely, his pipe, ought also, he feared, in strict propriety
to be left behind. But in the first place, 'who knows,' thought he, 'but
there may be one room reserved for such ladies and gentlemen as choose
to smoke?' And, secondly, let _that_ be as it might, he considered that
the great _meerschaum_[22] head of his pipe--over which he watched as
over the apple of his eye--could nowhere be so safely preserved as in
his own pocket: as to any protuberance that it might occasion, _that_ he
valued not at a rush. Just as little did he care for the grotesque
appearance of the mouth-piece, which in true journeyman's fashion stuck
out from the opening of his capacious pocket to a considerable distance.
[22] '_Meerschaum_:' I believe a particular kind of clay, called
'sea-spray,' from its fineness and lightness, from which the boles of
pipes are made in Turkey--often at enormous prices, and much imported
into Germany, where they are in great request. Such is the extent of
_my_ knowledge on the subject; or perhaps of my ignorance. But, in fact,
I know nothing about it.
'And now don't you go and forget some people in the midst of all this
show of powdered puppies,' cried the landlady after him.
'Ah! my darling!' said he, laughing, 'just mind Juno: have an eye to
Juno, my darling;' and for Juno's sake he suppressed the '_old witch_,'
that his lips were itching a second time to be delivered of.