please. My heart is broken--my mind is a tumult of agonising reflections
of what I am, and what I might have been. I blush for the weakness you
have witnessed in me; but what man in his folly ever threw from him such
a treasure as I have lost, and lost for ever?'
"Anxious to alleviate the misery of my benefactor, with hasty steps I
proceeded to the Covenant Close, to call upon Mr H----, who lived in the
third flat in the Scale Stairs. Almost breathless from the speed I had
used, I 'tirled at the pin.' The door was opened by a genteel
man-servant in livery, of whom I inquired if Mr H---- was at home, and
was answered in the affirmative. I was ushered into an elegant room,
where, after waiting a few minutes, a benign but melancholy-looking old
gentleman entered:--
"'Mr Square, I am informed,' said he, 'you wish to see me; may I
inquire, is your business very pressing, as I am rather engaged at
present?'
"'I humbly beg pardon,' said I; 'I am a stranger to you, and only came
to town this afternoon. My acquaintance is with your nephew, Captain
H----, of the Eliza: can you inform me when you expect him in town?'
"The old man sank into a chair, and remained silent, overcome by his
feelings; at length, looking inquiringly into my face, 'Alas! sir,'
cried he, 'I have now no nephew.'
"'Excuse me, sir,' I said, 'if I have wounded your feelings. I am
astonished at what you tell me, for I saw him, in good health, not many
days since, and expected him to have been here to-night.'
"Starting to his feet, he came to where I sat, and, placing his hand on
my shoulder, looked anxiously in my face--'Young man,' he said,
solemnly, 'have you seen Hugh H---- within these five weeks?'
"'Certainly,' I replied; 'I saw him in London within these ten days, in
good health.'
"Clasping his hands, and raising his eyes to heaven--'Blessed be God!'
he said, 'my nephew is alive, and my Eliza may yet be snatched from the
grave!'
"We now entered into familiar conversation, in which I got from him a
similar account to what the cadie had given us, with the addition only
of the exertions Mr. H---- had made for the bringing of Wallace to
punishment for the murder of his nephew. 'That man,' he concluded, 'has
come to rejoice that he is in life; for so strong was the circumstantial
evidence, that, had he been apprehended and brought to trial, there is
not a jury who would not have given their verdict Guilty.'
"In return, I gave him a detailed account of all that I had witnessed,
and the state of misery in which I had left him. Mr. H---- heard me with
varied feelings as I proceeded, and said he had had no idea of the
attachment between Hugh and Eliza, until this unfortunate affair
disclosed it to him; and he feared it had proved fatal to his ward, who
was in a very dangerous state--her life even despaired of; but he
trusted his nephew's return would be more efficacious than all the
prescriptions of her physicians; for hers was a sickness of the heart.
"With a thrill of pleasure at the success of my call, I bade him adieu,
taking with me the assurance that he would break the joyful intelligence
to Eliza, and either call at the White Horse Tavern himself, or send a
note by his servant, to his 'poor Hughie, who was ever a passionate
boy,' to come to him. When I returned, I found him pacing the room with
hasty steps.
"'Square,' he cried, in a voice bordering on anger, 'is this what I
expected from you? You have stayed an age away.'
"'I beg pardon, captain, but I have made no unnecessary delay. I bring
you tidings of good hope. Your uncle is rejoiced you are safe, and in
town; he will either call himself, or send a card for you to-morrow, as
he shall judge safest for the sake of Eliza. Meanwhile, he is to break
the unexpected news to her.'
"Joy and grief, hope and fear, now by turns took possession of his mind,
until we retired to rest.
"Next forenoon we passed in a state of great anxiety. Captain H---- had
spent a sleepless night, and still paced the room in violent emotion,
or sank exhausted into his seat. I could not leave him, for the sake of
humanity. At length, about two o'clock, Mr H---- came himself to visit
his nephew. I cannot describe this meeting; it was painful to all
parties. The old man had endeavoured to break the news of Hugh's safety
to his ward without success; she was, he confessed, so much reduced,
that he feared the agitation might prove fatal; for every allusion to
him, since that melancholy occurrence, had produced a series of fainting
fits; soon, however, he hoped, with safety, to be enabled to communicate
the safety of her Hugh, whom, in her troubled slumbers, he had heard her
name, while the large drops glistened on or glided from her long dark
eyelashes.
"'O Hugh, Hugh, what have you done!' said the old man, unconsciously, as
he wrung his hands--the tears falling over his venerable face.
"'Uncle, dear uncle, do not drive me to distraction,' cried the captain;
'I cannot endure the----'
"'Pardon me, my boy,' interrupted the uncle; 'I am a silly old bachelor;
I know not what I say. Dear Hugh, I didn't mean to grieve you; but who
can look on yon suffering innocent creature, and speak but as the
feelings dictate?'
"The captain groaned aloud, and hid his face in his handkerchief.
"Several days were passed in a similar manner before we removed to the
Covenant Close; but, alas! Captain H---- had arrived too late. The shock
had untwisted the thread of life in the gentle Eliza, and it seemed only
to hold together until his arrival. Joy, no doubt, once more visited
that broken heart, when she smiled forgiveness upon her heart-stricken
lover; but she survived only for three weeks after his arrival, and
breathed her last sigh as he bent, almost bereft of reason, over her
wasted form.
"During this period, I was quite unoccupied, and walked the streets of
Edinburgh with a stately gait. How different were my feelings now from
what they once had been on the same spot, in former days, when I had run
or glided through them, timorous and abject! A child might have taken
the wall of me then; now I had a splendid dress, and guineas in my
pocket. I walked erect and resolute as a giant, and would give the wall
to none; such is the effect of circumstances upon the mind. This, I
believe, is the only time in my life I ever was so foolish. I feared to
meet any one who could by any chance have recognised me. Yet in my pride
I was still a solitary being, too bashful to make new acquaintances with
those I thought my equals, and too proud to associate with those I had
known before. Thus did I strut about like a solitary peacock in a
farm-yard, with this difference, that I became, unlike the haughty bird,
weary of my own consequence.
"After the funeral of Eliza, Mr H---- pleaded upon the captain to remain
in Edinburgh; but he replied that he could not; all the scenes around
only added to his melancholy, by recalling to his mind the lovely object
he had lost for ever, and brought up the consciousness of the means--his
own cruelty and jealous temper. In a few days we were once more on our
way to London, where we arrived in safety, and found the Eliza moored at
Rotherhithe. The captain resumed his active duties; and his grief was
either more bearable, or, to blunt its edge, he entered more keenly into
commerce. I was now appointed second mate. His wish was to obtain a
distant freight, unmindful to what part of the world, so that the period
of his absence from Britain might be the greatest. Not finding one so
readily as he wished, he took a rich cargo on board upon his own
account, fitted for the Indian market, and we left the Thames in
November, 1751.
"For several years from this date, I was as happy as any human being
could be, for we sailed the Indian Ocean from point to point, in all
directions, encountering various turns of fortune, but still progressing
towards wealth. I was myself rich, far beyond what I could ever have
hoped to have been; and as for Captain H----, he had accumulated a
fortune with which he was satisfied; his equanimity of mind was in some
measure restored; he could talk at times of Eliza with a pleasing
melancholy, and spoke of returning once more to Europe. As his vessel,
the Eliza, was now old, and not safe for a home voyage, he resolved to
sell her in the country, and return to Europe a passenger in the first
commodious trader. This he actually did at Bombay, giving to each of his
crew who had left England with him a handsome present, and the amount in
cash of their passage-money home, that they might either return at his
expense, or stay longer in the country, where there were great
inducements, if they chose. Me, as my sincere friend, he strongly
advised to remain for a few years longer, when I might return an
independent man to Edinburgh.
"This was one of the golden opportunities every man has once in his
power during his existence of bettering his circumstances for life. My
evil destiny, or some other cause, made me reject it. I had, for several
months back, as I had had several times before, a strong longing to
visit Scotland once more. It is hardly possible for those who have never
been for years absent from their native home, to imagine how
overpowering this homesickness is, and how little will furnish to a
languishing mind a plausible excuse for a return. I felt a conviction
that I was not acting in the best manner for my own interest; yet I
soothed down this feeling by the hope that I could return at any time,
and pursue my fortune. To Captain H---- I stated my wish to return to
Europe at all events, as I was weary of the Indian clime, and that, as I
had left Edinburgh with him, I would, if he had no objections, return in
the same vessel. He agreed; and thus we were again fated to go together.
"After remaining on shore inactive for some weeks, we embarked on board
the Traussean, bound for Amsterdam. Would that I had been of the same
turn of mind and resolution as Mr. Yates, our chief mate, who remained
in the country, and soon sailed a vessel of his own! I saw him several
years afterwards in London, living in wealth and independence, the
produce of his toils in India. I gratified my wish at all hazards--he
obeyed his better judgment; he had his reward--I had mine.
"From Bombay to the Cape of Good Hope we had a quick and pleasant run.
We stopped at the Cape for three weeks, and took in refreshments and
some passengers, amongst whom was an old, rich planter, on his return to
Holland, taking with him a black boy, his slave, one of the merriest and
most obliging creatures I ever saw. The little fellow soon became the
favourite of every one on board. Pontoben was the joy of every one
except his master, who was ever correcting or finding fault with him. In
one of my sallies, I called the old planter Satan. He was worthy of the
title, and it adhered to him like a burdockhead. A more forbidding
figure I have never seen. Tall and bony, he had the appearance of a
gigantic skeleton covered with shrivelled brown leather; his forehead,
large and deeply-furrowed, rose over two shaggy eyebrows, that
overshadowed eyes of light blue, keen and restless. There was a peculiar
expression in his whole face that made even the most daring feel uneasy
on beholding him; and, unless they were excited at the time by hatred
towards him, few ever dared his eye. I myself felt that no inducement
could ever make me look upon him as a kindred being; and, indeed, he
rarely spoke to any of his countrymen. His harsh, sepulchral tones were
seldom heard but in execrations of poor Pontoben, who would leave his
master with the big drops of anguish, from punishment, rolling down his
ebony face; and, in a few minutes after, be seen laughing and sporting
with the seamen.
"On the evening of the seventh day after we had left Table Bay, the sun
set like an immense globe of deep red fire, and the sky began to be
overcast. The vessel was made all tight for the expected storm; and
come, it did, soon after dark, with fearful force. All I had ever
encountered could not be compared to its violence. The vessel pitched,
groaned, and quivered, during the whole night, as if she would have gone
to pieces; and, when day at length came, with no abatement of the storm,
it only served to show us the extent of our danger. The sky was dark and
lowering; heavy masses of clouds obscured the sun, and poured forth
deluges of rain; the vessel laboured so much, and the wind was so
strong, that no man on board could keep his feet, and the crew were
lashed to different parts of the vessel, to prevent their being washed
from the decks by the waves, which were every now and then making a
complete breach over us. The captain and I shared the fatigues of the
crew as we shared their danger. Another night of darkness and tempest,
if possible more severe than the first, passed over our heads; still the
vessel held good, and we hoped to weather the gale; when, just about an
hour after daybreak, the wind chopped about nearly two points off the
compass; the man at the helm, either through fatigue or mismanagement,
allowed a tremendous sea to strike her too much forward, when she heeled
so far over that a second wave laid her upon her beam ends. A cry of
despair rose in one long, wailing sound, from every one on board; three
of the crew were hurled into the mountainous ocean, and perished in a
moment. The vessel had been making a considerable quantity of water, but
not sufficient to cause alarm on that account; but now it was finding
its way in by the companions from every wave that rolled over us. It is
in moments such as these that the character of the seaman shines forth
in all its lustre. For a few minutes, and no more, we were paralysed,
and looked on in stupor, expecting to go down to the deep; still she
floated--the larboard side only a few inches out of the water; the wind
had perceptibly declined, still the sea ran as high as ever; and thus,
for several hours, we clung to fastenings, in expectation of her going
down every instant. We had it not in our power to do anything for our
safety; it seemed as if her cargo had shifted in the hold, and the first
heavy sea would finish all. I cannot say how long this lasted; the rage
of the tempest at length died away, and it became possible for us to
act. Her fore and mizzen masts were cut away, when she righted
considerably; and then we commenced to throw what of her cargo we could
get at overboard, altering the remainder until she righted. When hope
once more dawned upon us, exhausted by hunger and fatigue, we stretched
our weary limbs upon the deck, and sank to rest--the captain of the
vessel taking the helm, and keeping watch with a few of his exhausted
crew, who were soon relieved by short watches, until their strength was
restored.
"Jurymasts were now erected, and we hoped to reach the coast of Portugal
and refit; but our misfortunes had only commenced, for we found that our
bread had been completely destroyed by the water we had made during the
storm; and, besides, we were not provisioned for a very protracted
voyage. It was at once agreed that both passengers and crew should go on
short allowance; and, as our vessel was both leaky and sailed badly
under her jurymasts, our prospects were now gloomy enough. Satan had
never left his berth since the coming on of the storm; but lay and
blasphemed, and beat poor Pontoben as usual, his temper having evidently
become worse under his privations, though he had many preserves and
luxuries of his own private property. The captain and myself kept up our
spirits, in the expectation of falling in with some vessel bound for
Europe, in which case we would leave the Traussean; but we were not so
fortunate; for scarce were we refitted from the wrecks of the hurricane,
when we were becalmed for three weeks. I shall not attempt to describe
this our melancholy situation on the bosom of the ocean, that lay all
around as still as death; its glassy brightness dazzling the eye under
the intense rays of the sun, and our scanty supply of provisions rapidly
wearing done. A lingering death from famine seemed inevitable; despair
began to steal upon us; anxiety and fear were visible in the
countenances of all. The pious became more fervent in their devotions,
and the profane more choice in their expressions. All of us moved about
the vessel like spectres, seldom exchanging words, every one seemingly
absorbed in his own reflections. Vain was the attempt to call up a
cheerful thought. If a laugh was heard, which some would attempt, it
looked more like madness than mirth, and grated upon the ear like some
unearthly sound; while tales of fearful import and sad forebodings alone
could gain the attention of the listeners.
"This state of the ocean at length changed; a faint breeze sprang up;
but, alas! it was unsteady and baffling, and our crippled vessel was ill
adapted for any but a leading wind. By observation, we were nearly
equidistant from the coast of Portugal and the Cape; otherwise, to save
our lives, we would have run the wreck of the Traussean back to Table
Bay. This plan was even urged by several of the crew; but overruled by
the captain and majority; for the reason that we could not depend upon
the wind lasting long enough to carry us there, and we had more chance
to fall in with some vessel as we neared Europe. Scarcely able to stand
to the pumps, for she needed clearing every twelve hours, we persevered
in our course, the provisions being doled out in the smallest portions
that could sustain nature, and diminished till we resembled skeletons
more than men. When we commenced the voyage, there were a great many
monkeys, parrots, and other birds, intended as gifts to friends in
Europe. These had long since been consumed by their owners; even the
vermin we were so fortunate as to catch were indeed a luxury; and every
invention was put in practice to ensnare them. The preserves and private
stock, everything that could sustain life, had been taken from Satan
and the other passengers, and placed in the common stock; so that no one
might fare better than his fellow. We had for some time looked at each
other with an evil eye, and to wish for a death, that we might avoid the
necessity of casting lots; for, strange to say, we clung to life the
more tenaciously the more our sufferings increased. I have often since
been amazed to think that, for trivial sufferings or wounded pride, men
will voluntarily commit suicide; and yet, among twenty-five individuals,
to any of whom a natural death would have been a kind relief, this
fearful remedy was never thought of. With the keenest scrutiny we
counted the ships crew and passengers every morning, in hopes that some
one had died in the night. One morning, Pontoben, who had, even amidst
the ill-usage he received from his master, stood it out better than any
on board, was amissing, and a search was made for him through the ship
in vain. At length he was found in his master's berth, beyond him,
dead--the marks of strangulation upon his throat, evidence to us all
that Satan had strangled him through the night. The body was at once
demanded; but his master, with execrations, refused to deliver it up, as
he maintained the boy was his own property, and he would 'keep it for
his own use.' My blood ran cold as I looked upon the murdered boy and
his savage master. The lifeless corpse was torn from him, and mangled,
to be consumed; but neither Captain H---- nor myself could look upon the
horrid mess, and several others were similarly affected; but Satan
gloated over it, and cursed the others for depriving him of the whole.
"Our sufferings had now reached the limit of human endurance. We were
unable to stand at the pumps even half-hour spells; and if we ceased to
lighten the vessel we must soon founder. In this, our last extremity, it
was at last agreed to cast the fatal lot, to ascertain who was to die
to save the rest. We could sustain the gnawing of hunger no longer.
Every article of leather, even our shoes, had been consumed. We were all
assembled upon the quarterdeck, to bide our fate. Sunk and dispirited as
we were by famine, we all clung to life with a more intense desire than
we had ever done in more prosperous times. The arrangements were thus
made:--a large china jar was placed upon the binnacle, into which was
put a scroll of paper for each person on board, cut and folded exactly
alike. On one was wrote, 'Gracious God, pardon my sins, and receive my
soul, for Jesus' sake.' On the other, 'Merciful God, require not this
innocent blood at my hands.' He that drew the first was to die, and he
that drew the second was to be the executioner. All the other papers
were blank. Everything was prepared before us in the most equitable
manner. A period of thrilling suspense intervened, and, all being ready,
the captain walked first, placed his hand in the jar, and drew a lot. In
like manner, every one on board followed him, each holding his doom in
his hand unopened until all was drawn. Another fearful pause ensued.
Each feared to unroll his paper. Good God! the fatal scroll was in my
hand, and Satan was to be my butcher!
"I yet shudder when I call to mind the agony of that moment. All eyes
beamed joy, I thought, that they had escaped. I was for a moment
stupified. Then my brain seemed to whirl round--the light forsook my
eyes--I became incapable of reflection; yet a nervous, convulsive energy
made me plead for mercy--a mere instinctive effort; for, had I been able
to command my thoughts, they would have satisfied me that there was no
hope. Satan stood by my side, with the knife in his hand, ready for his
victim, even yet, when my slumbers are uneasy, I see his tall, hideous
figure, rendered, at the time, doubly frightful by famine, standing over
me, his knife at my throat, and Captain H---- in vain endeavouring to
hold his hand. My agony and pleadings so melted the whole sufferers,
that it was resolved to delay my death until the shades of night had
once more covered the ocean, in hopes some ship might heave in sight
before my fate was sealed; if not, the morning never was to dawn for
me--that day was to be my last in time. Captain H---- kneeled, weeping,
by my side. He was joined by all the crew, except the satanic planter,
in heartfelt devotion, and earnest supplication for my deliverance.
Alas! I could not mould my own thoughts to prayer: a thousand wandering
fancies crowded through my mind, making all dark chaos, save the lurid
coruscations of the horrors of dissolution. Their prayers and
supplications sounded in my ears as if they were the noise of broken
water on a reef of rocks, in a gentle breeze; and if I mechanically
joined, or kept imploring pardon and mercy through Jesus for my many
sins, it was not prayer, for I felt neither peace nor hope while I
called. My heart seemed to take little interest in what my lips were
uttering. All appeared as if I had been suddenly thrown to the bottom of
a mine in utter darkness. Then, again, the glowing sun, that the day
before seemed stationary in the heavens, so slow had appeared his
progress, now seemed to whirl with fearful velocity, as I occasionally
cast up my despairing eyes to mark his progress.
"It was now past noon. Captain H---- still sat by my side, with my hand
clasped affectionately in his, doing his utmost to prepare my soul for
the great change. I began slowly to recover from the stupor caused by
the sudden announcement of my horrid doom. I joined in prayer with him.
Never again will I be more fit to die than I became towards the evening.
I told the captain of the vessel I was now ready to submit to my lot. He
could not answer me, his heart was too full; the tears rolled down his
rugged face, and with a groan he retired to his cabin. Satan, who had
eyed me from the first as if he repined at the delay I had obtained,
came forward. The men turned their backs. Captain H---- rose to his feet
and pushed him back, saying I had been allowed to live until sundown,
and I should have full time allowed. Some of the crew joined him. As for
myself, I had become weary of my horrible suspense.