farm of Skimclean, which farm marched with the remnant of Mr Guidyill's
property. For some days after this person, whose name was Drumwhussle,
had taken possession of his new farm, the laird kept a sharp look-out on
his proceedings, in the hope that he would commit some trespass or
other, or perpetrate some encroachment, which would afford standing-room
for a quarrel; but, to the great disappointment of our amateur lawyer,
no such occurrence took place. In no single thing did, or would,
Skimclean offend. No; Skimclean would not throw even a stick on his
neighbour's grounds, of whose exact lines of demarcation he seemed to
have a most provokingly accurate knowledge. Losing all hope of his new
neighbour's giving any offence spontaneously--that is, through
ignorance, or involuntarily, or purposely, or in any way--Scouthercakes
determined on visiting him, in the desperate expectation that an
acquaintanceship might throw up something to quarrel with--that
familiarity might breed, not contempt, but dislike--that friendship
might give rise to enmity. This conduct of the laird's certainly seems
at first sight paradoxical; but a little reflection, especially if
accompanied also by a little experience of the world, will show that it
was not quite so absurd or so contradictory as it seems. On the
contrary, such reflections and experience would discover, in the laird's
intended proceeding, a good deal of philosophy, and a very considerable
knowledge of human nature. Be this as it may, Mr Guidyill determined on
paying his new neighbour, Skimclean, a visit; and this determination he
forthwith executed. The latter, whom he had never had the pleasure of
seeing before, he found to be a little, lively, volatile person, of
great volubility of speech; like himself, a prodigious snuffer; and like
himself, too, possessed of a very comfortable opinion of his own
knowledge and abilities. In another and still more remarkable point in
character they resembled each other closely. This last resemblance
involved a rather singular and certainly curious coincidence between the
dispositions of the two worthies, and one which the laird, when he
discovered it, viewed with a very strange mixture of feelings. What
these were, and what was their cause, will be best left to appear in the
progress of our narrative.
On Mr Guidyill's having introduced himself to his new neighbour, and
after a little desultory conversation on various subjects had taken
place, but chiefly on the merits and demerits of the lands of
Skimclean--
"Mr Drumwhussle," said the laird, planting his stick in the ground
before him, and looking with deep interest on some trees that grew in
front of Skimclean's house, "it's my opinion that ye ocht to cut down
thae sticks. They shut oot yer licht terribly, man, and tak up a great
deal o' valuable grun."
"Ah, ha, laird, catch me there," replied Drumwhussle, with a knowing
laugh. "The trees do a' the mischief ye say; but, do ye no ken, that,
being but a tenant, I hae nae richt to cut them, my power being only
owre the surface, and that, if I did cut them, I wad be liable to an
action o' damages by the laird, wha wad inevitably recover accordin to
law. A' tacks, ye ken, are granted, '_propter koorum et kultoorum_'[4]
(ye'll perceive the Latin), an' the fellin o' trees, without consent o'
the proprietor, wad be a direck violation. Na, na, I ken better how to
keep my feet out o' thae law traps than that, laird."
[Footnote 4: Propter curam et culturam.]
We wish we could describe the look of amazement with which the laird
listened to this extraordinary outpouring of law and Latin--this
flourishing of his own weapons in his face. He was perfectly confounded
with it. It was a thing so wholly unexpected and unlooked for, to meet
with so accomplished a lawyer as Drumwhussle seemed to be in one of his
own class and standing, that it was some time before he could say
another word on any subject whatever. He was evidently struck with a
feeling of mingled respect and awe for his learned neighbour, who, he
perceived, had decidedly the advantage of him in the article,
Latin--this being a language with which the laird was not at all
conversant. Another consideration occurred to the laird, even in the
moment of his first surprise. This was, that, should a difference arise
between them, he had found in his new neighbour a foeman worthy of his
steel; and that, should they remain friends, they might be of service to
each other as legal advisers.
In the meantime, the "interlockitor," as the laird would have called the
series of legal sentiments which Drumwhussle had just delivered, was far
beyond the reach of his comprehension. He did not understand a word of
it, and neither could anybody else, we suspect; but, careful of exposing
his ignorance--
"Aweel, Skimclean," he said, looking very gravely, "I'm no sure but
ye're richt, and it may be as weel, after a', to let the trees stan whar
they are; but there's a bit land there," pointing to a patch of about an
acre and a-half, which lay low on the side of a small stream, "that I
wadna advise ye to crap; for there's no a year that it's no three months
under water."
"Ah ha, laird, but that's a _pluskum_,"[5] replied the vivacious and
acute Skimclean; "a case whar the owner o' the land is liable to the
extent, at ony rate, o' remittin a year's rent. It's a _pluskum_,
laird--that's Latin," added Skimclean, who always gave such intimation
to his auditors when he employed that language; from a shrewd suspicion,
probably, that it would not otherwise be readily recognised in the very
peculiar shape in which he presented it.
[Footnote 5: Plusquam tolerabile.]
"Aweel, I daur say ye're no far wrang there either," replied the laird,
now perfectly overwhelmed with the legal knowledge of his new neighbour.
"I daur say ye're no far wrang there either, but it's best to be
cowshous;" and, having delivered himself of this safe and general
sentiment, the laird looked wiser than ever, and shook his head with an
air of great intelligence. Hitherto, Scouthercakes, as the reader will
have observed, had made no display of his legal acquirements. He had
been too much taken aback by the sudden and unexpected effulgence of
those of Skimclean; but it was by no means his intention to allow the
latter to remain in ignorance of them. Availing himself of an early
opportunity, he discharged a volley of law terms at Skimclean, in which
the words Rejoinder, Multiplepoinding, Reclaimer, and, above all, the
phrase, "Revise the Condescendence," sounded most audibly; the latter
being an especial favourite of the laird's, who used it on all
occasions, on all matters indifferently, and, as everybody but himself
thought, almost always in the most absurdly inappropriate cases and
circumstances.
The effect on Skimclean, again, of the discovery of the laird's legal
knowledge was pretty similar to that which the latter had experienced in
similar circumstances, only that there was in the case of Drumwhussle a
secret feeling of superiority over the laird, in the matter of intimacy
with the science of the law. He, in short, considered the laird's
knowledge respectable, but his own considerably more so. Now, the laird
also, after his first surprise at his neighbour's acquirements had worn
off a little, began to think Skimclean fully more apt and ready than
profound. He considered his own depth, on the whole, rather greater.
Each, thus, while certainly honouring the legal knowledge of his
neighbour, enjoyed, at the same time, the comfortable conviction that he
was the superior man.
Having thus come to an understanding regarding each other's character,
and this having given rise to a friendly feeling on both sides, their
interview terminated in Drumwhussle inviting his new acquaintance into
the house, to partake of a little refreshment--an invitation which the
latter graciously accepted; looking forward to a feast of quiet,
deliberate legal discussion with his learned friend.
On entering the house--indeed, previous to entering it--Mr Guidyill was
struck with the singular neatness and good order which everywhere
prevailed--a point on which his inviter prided himself, and so much
pleased was he with it, that he could not refrain from openly expressing
his approbation.
"A' accordin to law, Skimclean," he said, looking around him with a
complimentary air of satisfaction; "a' accordin to law, I see."
"Ay, ay," replied his host, perfectly understanding the laird's
metaphorical laudation, and smiling complacently; "we aye try to keep
things in as guid order as possible. I look after everything mysel, and
see that a's done as it should be. That's the true way, laird."
"Nae doot o't, nae doot o't," said the latter. "Naething like revisin
the condescendence, Skimclean--eh!" he added, with an intelligent look.
"Right there, laird," replied Drumwhussle, "as honest Donald Quirkum,
the writer, ance said to me whan I consulted him anent a point o' law,
in the case o' Drumwhussle _versus_ Camlachie. 'Drumwhussle,' said he,
'Drumwhussle'----But I'll tell ye a' about it presently, laird," said
Skimclean, suddenly interrupting himself, to perform the duties of
hospitality towards his guest; "step ben, step ben." And he ushered the
laird into a little sitting-room in the back part of the house.
"Now, laird, what wull ye drink?" inquired Drumwhussle. "Wull ye tak a
drap o' cauld straik, or wad ye hae ony objection to a warm browst?"
"Weel, if equally convenient, I'll vote for the toddy," replied the
laird.
"I second the motion," said Skimclean, now proceeding to a closet in a
corner of the room, from which he shortly emerged with his arms and
hands loaded with bottles, glasses, jugs, and decanters, and all the
other paraphernalia requisite for the occasion. These arranged on the
table, flanked by an enormous cheese, and hot water supplied from the
kitchen, Drumwhussle commenced brewing _secundum artem_; and having
produced the desiderated beverage, handed over half a glass to the
laird, for his opinion as to its merits. The laird tasted, gave a short
suffocating cough, and, speaking at such intervals as the stifling
affection afforded--
"Re-revise the--the con-condescendence, Skimclean. Revise the--the
condescendence. It's far owre strong."
"It micht hae a waur faut, laird," replied Drumwhussle, "an' it's ane
that's easy mended," he added, filling up the jug with hot water. "Taste
him now, laird."
"Accordin to law," replied the other, emphatically, after smacking off
the half-glass submitted to him. "Accordin to law at a' points as
accords. Just the thing now, Skimclean."
The liquor thus approved of was immediately subjected to the process of
consumption, which its merits were so well calculated to insure for it,
and this at such a rate that the consumers very soon began to exhibit,
in their own persons, rather curious specimens of the effect of strong
drink on the animal economy. They began to speak thick and fast, and
both at the same time; their conversation chiefly turning on the various
actions and law proceedings in which they had from time to time been
engaged.
It was during this confabulation that Skimclean informed his guest of a
certain law-plea in which he was at the moment involved, and in which he
was ably supported by the astute Donald Quirkum, already alluded to.
"The case, ye see," said Skimclean, "the case, ye see, my frien, is jist
this:--In the place whar I was last, Craignockan, ane o' my laddies had
a bit gemm cock, a bit steeve fechtin wee beastie, yea, a deevil o' a
cratur. Aweel, ye see, it happened that our neebor the schulemaster had
anither, o' whilk he was sae proud that he seemed to think mair o't than
o' his wife. It was beyond a' doot a wonderfu' bird. His son brought
it--so at least he said--frae Sumatra, in the East Indies--something o'
the jungle-cock, or Jago cock species, _gawlus giganteus_[6] ye
ken--ye'll maybe no understand the Latin."
[Footnote 6: Gallus giganteus.]
"Deel an' it may choke ye, as the _gallows_ has dune mony a better man!"
interrupted the laird. "Purge the record o' a' bad Latin! Ha! ha!
Drumwhussle, I ken guid Latin frae dog-Latin or cock Latin, just as weel
as ye do. Purge the record, man, I say."
"Let me alane, man," replied Drumwhussle, impatiently; "ye interrupt my
story wi' your scraps o' misapplied learning. You should never insinuate
an ill motive in English. Do ye no ken lawyers never use the words 'bad
intention' in designating vice: they veil a' enormities in Latin--for
the craturs are sae pure an' delicate-minded that they couldna bear the
expression o' man's frailties in the vulgar tongue; _maelice
prepense--maelice prepense_ is the term you should hae used, man. But
letten that slip gang--for I excuse ignorance whar knowledge is so
difficult o' attainment--the cocks were brought face to face, an', like
true lawyers, they closed--no the record, for the craturs despised a'
condescendence o' grievances; they fought upon the mere libel an'
defence: a craw on each side _vivy vocey_; and till't they gaed wi' a
pluck seldom witnessed out o' the Parliament House. The upshot may be
easily predicted: weight, substance prevailed just as in the courts o'
justice--the 'midden,' a pound heavier than the Sumatra jungle-cock,
killed his opponent in five minutes; and Jock, lifting up the victor,
that crew a noble triumph in his arms, hurried awa, an' left the
dominie's cock lying a mere _kappit mortum_--like an interlocutor that's
allowed to become feenal because nae man can mak either head or tail
o't--on the ground, a corp, or, as Quirkum ca'ed it, a _corpus
delichtfu_."[7]
[Footnote 7: Corpus delicti.]
"Capital, capital," cried the laird. "We'll hae a plea, I hope, on the
ground o' damage. A better case for 'plucking' never came before the
fifteen."
"Ay, and that wi' a vengeance," resumed Drumwhussle. "Though the cock's
plea was feenal, a _sleeping_ or _dead case_, as lawyers ken, may
produce twenty living anes. The dominie valued his cock at the price o'
twenty guineas; he was to have been the _pawter_ o' a new breed (he
said) that he intended to produce in Scotland; an' the expense o'
bringing him frae Sumatra alane was at least the half o' that sum. Like
a sturdy litigant--gemm to the heels--I resisted the demand o' damage,
an' took my ground on the instant--alleging _preemo_, that the cocks
fought _sowy sponty_;[8] and, _secundo_, that the slaughtered cock was a
mere 'blue ginger;' and thus throwing the _onus_ o' proving the contrary
on the back o' the dominie."
[Footnote 8: Sua sponte.]
"A noble device," shouted the laird; "famous pleas in law. Even Corporal
Jooris[9] himsel could na hae ta'en his position better. But proceed,
proceed. I'm deein to hear the issue. Oh, that that plea had been mine!
The chancellor's wig wad hae bobbit owre't; for they say there's nae
stoure in it, as in the mealy, muddy _scratches_ in our Parliament
House. Come awa wi' the soul-stirring intelligence."
[Footnote 9: Corpus juris.]
"Ay, an' _pouch_-stirring too," rejoined Drumwhussle. "Weel, the dominie
was as guid gemm as his cock, an' awa he hied to Paisley, an' put the
case into the hands o' that clever deevil o' a cratur Jobbit, who,
_instanter_, sent me a summons, containing a preamble o' nineteen pages,
an' a conclusion o' three--seventy-five words a-page, according to my
calculation. I declare the screed made my vera een reel, it was sae
masterfully Latineezed, turned, interwoven, an' crammed wi' 'saids' and
'foresaids.' It set forth the said dominie as 'greeting' to the sheriff
for the loss o' his cock--a maist cunning an' loyal device o' Jobbit's,
wha dootless had an ee to the case going before the depute, an' then it
went on to narrate" (Drumwhussle drew out a copy of the summons) "that
'the complainer had commissioned the said bird or cock--along with a
female--which was of the species _gallus giganteus_, from the island of
Sumatra, where it is known by the natives of that island by the
scientific, or vulgar, or common appellative of _ayam bankiva_--all as
appeareth from Temmink's History of Cocks--and that the complainer's
intention or object, in so commissioning the said birds from that
distant region, was, that he might introduce into our country the
breed, which was supposed to be more full of blood and spirit than our
own breed of poultry, and had, moreover, the advantage of producing more
eggs--insomuch as the female laid all the year through, while the flesh
was whiter and more highly-flavoured, approaching, in this respect, to
that of the pheasant; that the expense of bringing the said birds from
Sumatra was ten guineas sterling; that the complainer had, by dint of
great ingenuity and perseverance, got the said birds naturalised as
completely as if they had been natural-born subjects of this realm, and
was on the very eve of reaping the fruits of his patriotic labours--the
fame of a breeder of a new species of poultry, and the emoluments of a
vender or seller of the same to the farmers and bird-fanciers of the
kingdom--when David Drumwhussle, tenant of Craignockan, actuated by
_malice prepense_, or by envy, or by fear that his own breed of poultry
(of the common or dunghill species) would be displaced and superseded by
the other and superior kind, or by some other motive or feeling,
implying _dolus_, did stir up and excite his son, John Drumwhussle, for
whose acts and deeds--being a minor, and not _forisfamiliated_--he was
liable, to bring--_vi aut clam_--his the said David Drumwhussle's cock,
and his the said complainer's, into a pugnacious attitude and position,
and to instigate the same to mortal combat, whereby the said cocks
having engaged _secundum suam naturam_ in a lethal _duellum_, did fight
till his, the complainer's, was left in the field dead; that the primary
consequence of this premeditated act was, that the female was rendered
mateless, unproductive, and useless, insomuch as her cohabitation and
society with cocks of this country would never be the means of producing
the species of _gallus giganteus_; the secondary, that the complainer
was deprived of a source of legitimate gain; and the tertiary, that the
country of Great Britain lost the superlative advantage of an improved
breed of poultry.' Thae are the premises."
"An' fine premises they are," replied Guidyill. "Jobbit never laid an
egg mair certain o' producin a weel-feathered bird for the lawyers."
"Ye're richt, laird, sae far," replied Drumwhussle; "but ye've yet to
learn that it had twa yolks--twa law-pleas cam out o't. But ye'll hear.
I needna read the conclusion--a' in the ordinary form, ye
ken:--therefore it ought and should be found and declared, and so forth;
and that I should be decerned to pay twenty guineas as the value of the
cock, and damages sustained for the loss of his expected progeny."
"Weel, weel, the defences, the defences," cried the laird, in eager
expectation. "Ye wad state the defence on the merits first, I fancy, an'
then the preliminary ane."
"The cart afore the horse, ye fule!" answered Drumwhussle, chuckling. "I
despised a' dilatory pleas, man: I cam to the marrow at ance, an'
instructed my agent, Mr Kirkham, or Quirkum, as he is generally styled,
for his exquisite adroitness an' cleverness, to use the very highest
flicht o' his inventive fancy--to consult Erskine an' Stair, an' even
Corporal Jooris--to dive into the Roman Pawndecs[10]--the deegest--the
discreets--every authority, in fack, he could think o'--no forgetting
Cock on Littletun; and send me a draft o' the defences _siny mory_.[11]
He did so, and oh, such a beautiful invention! They set forth, as a kind
o' flourish afore the real tug o' the tournay, that the libel was a big
lee frae beginning to end; that the pursuer's cock was, even in his ain
showing, an alien cratur, an' no entitled to the richts o' natural-born
subjects; that he interfered wi' the queens o' the seraglio o' my winged
potentate--making love to them, crawing to them, an' displaying his
gaudy wings to them, as if he were lord o' a' the feathered creation;
that the defender's cock, acting upon the weel-ascertained richt o'
defending conjugal property, slew him, on the strength o' the English
case, Jenkins _versus_ Lovelace, where a husband was found justified in
taking the life o' ane wha made love to his wife. In the second place,
it was denied _simpleeciter_ that the cock was o' the species _gawlus
giganteus_, being a mere 'blue ginger'--worth five shillins--o' the auld
breed o' Scotland, whilk cam frae the stock named by the Greek
play-writer, Mr Arrantstuffanes, 'the Persian bird.' We thus threw the
hail _onus proovandy_ on the back o' the dominie, an', by my faith, he
fand the weight o't!"
[Footnote 10: Pandects.]
[Footnote 11: Sine mora.]
"A noble defence--jist exactly what I wad hae written," ejaculated
Guidyill, in ecstasy. "Weel, ye wad revise the condescendence after
that, I fancy?"
"Before it was written, man?" responded Drumwhussle. "Na, na; ye ken
little aboot thae things. The dominie was ordered to condescend on what
he undertook, and offered to prove in support o' his libel, then we
answered, then he revised, then we revised, then he re-revised, then we
re-revised, then he made an addition, which we answered by a
corresponding addition, equal to a re-re-revision."
"Hurrah!" cried Scouthercakes.
"Then the record was purged, then closed, an' then we set to
proving--for the proof was conjunk and confident--wi' a' the spirit o'
the cocks themselves. Oh, it was gran' sport! The dominie brought twa
witnesses frae Lunnon, to swear to the cock having been brought frae
Sumatra; an' I brought frae Dumbarton, where the best cock mains in a'
Scotland are fought, twa cock-fanciers wha had seen the dominie's bird,
to swear that it was a 'blue ginger;' then there was sic proving, and
counter-proving, witness against witness; the dominie's servant swearing
to the instigation practised by Jock, my bothie men swearing an _aliby_;
valuators for the dominie fixing ae value, and valuators by me fixing
anither, till I fancy there were nae fewer than fifteen witnesses
a-side."
"Famous, famous!" cried the laird; "what a glorious main! Never was sic
a cocking sin the match in 1684, between Forfarshire and the Loudons.
You would be decreetit favourably, beyond a' doubt."
"Mr Guidyill," answered Drumwhussle, taking up his glass, "I was cast in
fifteen guineas, an' a' expenses."
"Gran'!" exclaimed the laird--"gran'! Jist as bonny a plea as a man
could wish. Ye protested an' appealed."
"I gaed straught to my agent, Quirkum," continued Skimclean, "and stated
the case to him, expressin, at the same time, my determination no to
submit to the iniquitous decision o' the sheriff. Aweel, what did Mr
Quirkum say or do, think ye, on my expressin mysel this way? He never
spak, but, gruppin me by the haun, looked in my face, an', after a
minnit, said, 'Drumwhussle, ye're a man o' spirit, an' I honour ye
for't. Ye've just now come oot wi' sentiments that do ye the highest
credit. I'll manage your case for ye, Drumwhussle. I'll let the dominie
hear such a cock crawin as he never heard in his life before.' Aweel, ye
see, we had the cock flappin his wings in the Court of Session in a
jiffy. And as bonny a case it was, so Mr Quirkum said, as ever he had
the haundlin o' in his life. Seemly in a' its bearins, he said, and as
clean's a leek on our side, a' as ticht an' richt as legal thack and
rape could mak it. But deil may care--wad ye believe it?--it was gien
against us here, too, cast wi' a' expenses. There was a dish o'
cockyleeky for ye, laird--cast wi' a' expenses!--an' they war nae
trifle, as ye may weel believe; for yon lawyer folk dinna live on muslin
kail."
The laird shook his head with a concurring emphasis, whose force of
expression was greatly increased by certain pungent reminiscences of his
own disbursements in this way.
"Aweel, there we are, ye see," continued Drumwhussle; "but we're no beat
yet. I'll hae't to the House o' Lords, laird, if I should pawn my coat
for't." And he struck the table with his fist, in token of his high
determination, till jugs and glasses rang again.
Delighted with his host's beautiful spirit of litigation, the laird, in
a corresponding fit of enthusiasm, got up from his seat with a full
bumper in one hand, and, extending the other across the table towards
Skimclean--
"Your haun, Drumwhussle," he said, briefly, but with great emphasis.
"Your haun, my frien. I honour ye--I respeck ye for thae sentiments."
Saying this, he grasped the extended hand of his host, who had risen to
meet his advances, shook it cordially, tossed off the contents of his
uplifted glass to his success in his law-plea, and concluded with a
piece of advice.