THE HUMAN COMEDY
I
PROLOGUE
STRATO
Seek not on my pages Priam at the altars nor Medea's and Niobe's woes,
nor Itys in the hidden chambers, and the nightingales among the
leaves; for of all these things former poets wrote abundantly; but
mingling with the blithe Graces, sweet Love and the Wine-god; and
grave looks become not them.
II
FLOWER O' THE ROSE
DIONYSIUS
You with the roses, you are fair as a rose; but what sell you?
yourself, or your roses, or both together?
III
LOST DRINK
NICARCHUS
At the Hermaea, Aphrodisius, while lifting six gallons of wine for us,
stumbled and dealt us great woe. "From wine also perished the
Centaur," and ah that we had too! but now it perished from us.
IV
THE VINTAGE-REVEL
LEONIDAS OF TARENTUM
To the must-drinking Satyrs and to Bacchus, planter of the vine,
Heronax consecrated the first handfuls of his plantation, these three
casks from three vineyards, filled with the first flow of the wine;
from which we, having poured such libation as is meet to crimson
Bacchus and the Satyrs, will drink deeper than they.
V
SNOW IN SUMMER
SIMONIDES
With this once the sharp North Wind rushing from Thrace covered the
flanks of Olympus, and nipped the spirits of thinly-clad men; then it
was buried alive, clad in Pierian earth. Let a share of it be mingled
for me; for it is not seemly to bear a tepid draught to a friend.
VI
A JUG OF WINE
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Round-bellied, deftly-turned, one eared, long-throated, straight-
necked, bubbling in thy narrow mouth, blithe handmaiden of Bacchus and
the Muses and Cytherea, sweet of laughter, delightful ministress of
social banquets, why when I am sober art thou in liquor, and when I am
drunk, art sober again? Thou wrongest the good-fellowship of drinking.
VII
THE EMPTY JAR
ERATOSTHENES
Xenophon the wine-bibber dedicates an empty jar to thee, Bacchus;
receive it graciously, for it is all he has.
VIII
ANGELORUM CHORI
MARCUS ARGENTARIUS
I hold revel, regarding the golden choir of the stars at evening, nor
do I spurn the dances of others; but garlanding my hair with flowers
that drop their petals over me, I waken the melodious harp into
passion with musical hands; and doing thus I lead a well-ordered life,
for the order of the heavens too has its Lyre and Crown.
IX
SUMMER SAILING
ANTIPHILUS
Mine be a mattress on the poop, and the awnings over it surrounding
with the blows of the spray, and the fire forcing its way out of the
hearth-stones, and a pot upon them with empty turmoil of bubbles; and
let me see the boy dressing the meat, and my table be a ship's plank
covered with a cloth; and a game of pitch and toss, and the
boatswain's whistle: the other day I had such fortune, for I love
common life.
X
L'ALLEGRO
JULIANUS AEGYPTIUS
All the ways of life are pleasant; in the market-place are goodly
companionships, and at home griefs are hidden; the country brings
pleasure, seafaring wealth, foreign lands knowledge. Marriages make a
united house, and the unmarried life is never anxious; a child is a
bulwark to his father; the childless are far from fears; youth knows
the gift of courage, white hairs of wisdom: therefore, taking courage,
live, and beget a family.
XI
DUM VIVIMUS VIVAMUS
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Six hours fit labour best: and those that follow, shown forth in
letters, say to mortals, "Live."
XII
HOPE AND EXPERIENCE
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Whoso has married once and again seeks a second wedding, is a
shipwrecked man who sails twice through a difficult gulf.
XIII
THE MARRIED MAN
PALLADAS
If you boast high that you are not obedient to your wife's commands,
you talk idly, for you are not sprung of oak or rock, as the saying
is; and, as is the hard case with most or all of us, you too are in
woman's rule. But if you say, "I am not struck with a slipper, nor my
wife being unchaste have I to bear it and shut my eyes," I reply that
your bondage is lighter, in that you have sold yourself to a
reasonable and not to too hard a mistress.
XIV
AN UNGROUNDED SCANDAL
LUCILIUS
Some say, Nicylla, that you dye your hair; which is as black as can be
bought in the market.
XV
THE POPULAR SINGER
NICARCHUS
The night-raven's song is deadly; but when Demophilus sings, the very
night-raven dies.
XVI
THE FAULTLESS DANCER
PALLADAS
Snub-nosed Memphis danced Daphnis and Niobe; Daphne like a stock,
Niobe like a stone.
XVII
THE FORTUNATE PAINTER
LUCILIUS
Eutychus the portrait-painter got twenty sons, and never got one
likeness, even among his children.
XVIII
SLOW AND SURE
NICARCHUS
Charmus ran for the three miles in Arcadia with five others;
surprising to say, he actually came in seventh. When there were only
six, perhaps you will say, how seventh? A friend of his went along in
his great-coat crying, "Keep it up, Charmus!" and so he arrives
seventh; and if only he had had five more friends, Zoïlus, he would
have come in twelfth.
XIX
MARCUS THE RUNNER
LUCILIUS
Marcus once saw midnight out in the armed men's race, so that the
race-course was all locked up, as the police all thought that he was
one of the stone men in armour who stand there in honour of victors.
Very well, it was opened next day, and then Marcus turned up, still
short of the goal by the whole course.
XX
HERMOGENES
LUCILIUS
Little Hermogenes, when he lets anything fall on the ground, has to
drag it down to him with a hook at the end of a pole.
XXI
PHANTASMS OF THE LIVING
LUCILIUS
Lean Gaius yesterday breathed his very last breath, and left nothing
at all for burial, but having passed down into Hades just as he was in
life, flutters there the thinnest of the anatomies under earth; and
his kinsfolk lifted an empty bier on their shoulders, inscribing above
it, "This is Gaius' funeral."
XXII
A LABOUR OF HERCULES
LUCILIUS
Tiny Macron was found asleep one summer day by a mouse, who pulled him
by his tiny foot into its hole; but in the hole he strangled the mouse
with his naked hands and cried, "Father Zeus, thou hast a second
Heracles."
XXIII
EROTION
LUCILIUS
Small Erotion while playing was carried aloft by a gnat, and cried,
"What can I do, Father Zeus, if thou dost claim me?"
XXIV
ARTEMIDORA
LUCILIUS
Fanning thin Artemidora in her sleep, Demetrius blew her clean out of
the house.
XXV
THE ATOMIC THEORY
LUCILIUS
Epicurus wrote that the whole universe consisted of atoms, thinking,
Alcimus, that the atom was the least of things. But if Diophantus had
lived then, he would have written, "consisted of Diophantus," who is
much more minute than even the atoms, or would have written that all
other things indeed consist of atoms, but the atoms themselves of him.
XXVI
CHAEREMON
LUCILIUS
Borne up by a slight breeze, Chaeremon floated through the clear air,
far lighter than chaff, and probably would have gone spinning off
through ether, but that he caught his feet in a spider's web, and
dangled there on his back; there he hung five nights and days, and on
the sixth came down by a strand of the web.
XXVII
GOD AND THE DOCTOR
NICARCHUS
Marcus the doctor called yesterday on the marble Zeus; though marble,
and though Zeus, his funeral is to-day.
XXVIII
THE PHYSICIAN AND THE ASTROLOGER
NICARCHUS
Diophantus the asrologer said that Hermogenes the physician had only
nine months to live; and he laughing replied, "what Cronus may do in
nine months, do you consider; but I can make short work with you." He
spoke, and reaching out, just touched him, and Diophantus, while
forbidding another to hope, gasped out his own life.
XXIX
A DEADLY DREAM
LUCILIUS
Diophantus, having seen Hermogenes the physician in sleep, never awoke
again, though he wore an amulet.
XXX
SIMON THE OCULIST
NICARCHUS
If you have an enemy, Dionysius, call not down upon him Isis nor
Harpocrates, nor whatever god strikes men blind, but Simon; and you
will know what God and what Simon can do.
XXXI
SCIENTIFIC SURGERY
NICARCHUS
Agclaus killed Acestorides while operating; for, "Poor man," he said,
"he would have been lame for life."
XXXII
THE WISE PROPHET
LUCILIUS
All the astrologers as from one mouth prophesied to my father that his
brother would reach a great old age; Hermocleides alone said he was
fated to die early; and he said so, when we were mourning over his
corpse in-doors.
XXXIII
SOOTHSAYING
NICARCHUS
Some one came inquiring of the prophet Olympicus whether he should
sail to Rhodes, and how he should have a safe voyage; and the prophet
replied, "First have a new ship, and set sail not in winter but in
summer; for if you do this you will travel there and back safely,
unless a pirate captures you at sea."
XXXIV
THE ASTROLOGER'S FORECAST
AGATHIAS
Calligenes the farmer, when he had cast his seed into the land, came
to the house of Aristophenes the astrologer, and asked him to tell
whether he would have a prosperous summer and abundant plenty of corn.
And he, taking the counters and ranging them closely on the board, and
crooking his fingers, uttered his reply to Calligenes: "If the
cornfield gets sufficient rain, and does not breed a crop of flowering
weeds, and frost does not crack the furrows, nor hail flay the heads
of the springing blades, and the pricket does not devour the crop, and
it sees no other injury of weather or soil, I prophesy you a capital
summer, and you will cut the ears successfully: only fear the
locusts."
XXXV
A SCHOOL OF RHETORIC
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
All hail, seven pupils of Aristides the rhetorician, four walls and
three benches.
XXXVI
CROSS PURPOSES
NICARCHUS
A deaf man went to law with a deaf man, and the judge was a long way
deafer than both. The one claimed that the other owed him five months'
rent; and he replied that he had ground his corn by night; then the
judge, looking down on them, said, "Why quarrel? she is your mother;
keep her between you."
XXXVII
THE PATENT STOVE
NICARCHUS
You have bought a brass hot-water urn, Heliodorus, that is chillier
than the north wind about Thrace; do not blow, do not labour, you but
raise smoke in vain; it is a brass wine-cooler you have bought against
summer.
XXXVIII
THE WOODEN HORSE
LUCILIUS
You have a Thessalian horse, Erasistratus, but the drugs of all
Thessaly cannot make him go; the real wooden horse, that if Trojans
and Greeks had all pulled together, would never have entered at the
Scaean gate; set it up as an offering to some god, if you take my
advice, and make gruel for your little children with its barley.
XXXIX
A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE
LUCILIUS
Antiochus once set eyes on Lysimachus' cushion, and Lysimachus never
set eyes on his cushion again.
XL
CINYRAS THE CILICIAN
DEMODOCUS
All Cilicians are bad men; among the Cilicians there is one good man,
Cinyras, and Cinyras is a Cilician.
XLI
A GENERATION OF VIPERS
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Keep clear of a cobra, a toad, a viper, and the Laodiceans; also of a
mad dog, and of the Laodiceans once again.
XLII
THE LIFEBOAT
NICARCHUS
Philo had a boat, the Salvation, but not Zeus himself, I believe, can
be safe in her; for she was salvation in name only, and those who got
on board her used either to go aground or to go underground.
XLIII
THE MISER AND THE MOUSE
LUCILIUS
Asclepiades the miser saw a mouse in his house, and said, "What do you
want with me, my very dear mouse?" and the mouse, smiling sweetly,
replied, "Do not be afraid, my friend; we do not ask board from you,
only lodging."
XLIV
THE FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY
LUCIAN
We saw at dinner the great wisdom of that sturdy beggar the Cynic with
the long beard; for at first he abstained from lupines and radishes,
saying that Virtue ought not to be a slave to the belly; but when he
saw a snowy womb dressed with sharp sauce before his eyes, which at
once stole away his sagacious intellect, he unexpectedly asked for it,
and ate of it heartily, observing that an entrée could not harm
Virtue.
XLV
VEGETARIANISM
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
You were not alone in keeping your hands off live things; we do so
too; who touches live food, Pythagoras? but we eat what has been
boiled and roasted and pickled, and there is no life in it then.
XLVI
NICON'S NOSE
NICARCHUS
I see Nicon's hooked nose, Menippus; it is evident he is not far off
now; oh, he will be here, let us just wait; for at the most his nose
is not, I fancy, five stadia off him. Nay, here it is, you see,
stepping forward; if we stand on a high mound we shall catch sight of
him in person.
XLVII
WHO SO PALE AND WAN, FOND LOVER
ASCLEPIADES
Drink, Asclepiades; why these tears? what ails thee? not of thee only
has the cruel Cyprian made her prey, nor for thee only bitter Love
whetted the arrows of his bow; why while yet alive liest thou in the
dust?
XLVIII
THE WORLD'S REVENGE
LUCIAN
In a company where all were drunk, Acindynus must needs be sober; and
so he seemed himself the one drunk man there.
XLIX
EPILOGUE
PHILODEMUS
I was in love once; who has not been? I have revelled; who is
uninitiated in revels? nay, I was mad; at whose prompting but a god's?
Let them go; for now the silver hair is fast replacing the black, a
messenger of wisdom that comes with age. We too played when the time
of playing was; and now that it is no longer, we will turn to worthier
thoughts.