When sense returned it was night and all was silent around. Clouds
were scudding across the sky, and the moon shone down upon the
abandoned village, the broken guns, and the pale upturned faces of the
dead, as calmly as for ages she had looked on the flowing water, the
waving grass, and the rustling leaves which fall in autumn. Men are
but insects in the midst of creation; lives but drops in the ocean of
eternity, and none so truly feel their insignificance as the dying.
I could not move from where I lay in the intensest pain. My right arm
alone could I stir, and raising myself with difficulty upon my elbow, I
saw the dead heaped along the street, their white faces shining like
snow in the moonlight. The mouths and eyes of some were wide open,
others lay on their faces, their knapsacks and cartridge-boxes on their
backs and their hands grasping their muskets. The sight thrilled me
with horror, and my teeth chattered.
I would have cried for help, but my voice was no louder than that of a
sobbing child. But my feeble cry awoke others, and groans and shrieks
arose on all sides. The wounded thought succor was coming, and all who
could cried piteously. These cries lasted some time; then all was
silent, and I only heard a horse neigh painfully on the other side of
the hedge. The poor animal tried to rise, and I saw its head and long
neck appear; then it fell again to the earth.
The effort I made reopened my wound, and again I felt the blood running
down my arm. I closed my eyes to die, and the scenes of my early
childhood, of my native village, the face of my poor mother as she sang
me to sleep, my little room, with its alcove, our old dog Pommer with
whom I used to play and roll over and over on the ground; my father as
he came home gayly in the evening, his axe on his shoulder, and took me
up in his strong arms to embrace me--all rose dreamily before me.
How little those parents thought that they were rearing their boy to
die miserably far from friends, and home, and succor! How great would
have been their desolation--what maledictions would they have poured on
those who reduced him to such a state! Ah! if they were but there!--if
I could have asked their forgiveness for all the pain I had given them!
As these thoughts rushed over me the tears rolled down my cheeks; my
heart heaved: I sobbed like a child.
Then Catharine, Aunt Gredel, and Monsieur Goulden passed before me. I
saw their grief and fear when the news of the battle came. Aunt Gredel
running to the post-office every day to learn something of me, and
Catharine prayerfully awaiting her return, while Monsieur Goulden read
in the gazette how the Third corps suffered more heavily than the
others, as he paced the room with drooping head and at last sat
dreamily at his work-bench. My heart was with them; it followed Aunt
Gredel to the post-office, and returned with her all sadly to the
village, and there it saw Catharine in her despairing grief.
Then the postman Roedig seemed to arrive at Quatre-Vents. He opened
his leathern sack, and handed a large paper to Aunt Gredel, while
Catharine stood pale as death beside her. It was the official notice
of my death: I heard Catharine's heart-rending cries as she fell
swooning to the ground, and Aunt Gredel's maledictions, as, with her
gray hair streaming about her head, she cried that justice was no
longer to be found--that it were better that we had never been born,
since even God seemed to have abandoned us. Good Father Goulden came
to console them, but could only sob too: all wept together in their
desolation, crying:
"Joseph! Poor, poor Joseph!"
My heart seemed bursting.
The thought came that thirty or forty thousand families in France, in
Russia, in Germany, were soon to receive the same news--news yet more
terrible, for many of the wretches stretched on the battle-field had
father and mother, and this was horrible to think of--it seemed as if a
wail from all human kind were rising from earth to heaven.
Then I remembered those poor women of Phalsbourg, praying in the church
when we heard of the retreat from Russia, and I understood how their
hearts were torn. I thought that Catharine would soon go there, and
year after year she would pray--thinking of me. Yes--for I knew we had
loved each other from childhood, and that she could never forget me,
and tear after tear coursed down my cheeks. This confidence soothed me
in my grief--the certainty that she would preserve her love for me
until age whitened her hair; that I should be ever before her eyes, and
that she would never marry another.
Toward morning a shower began to fall, and the monotonous dropping on
the roofs alone broke the silence. I thought of the good God, whose
power and mercy are limitless, and I hoped that He would pardon my sins
in consideration of my sufferings.
The rain filled the little trench in which I had been lying. From time
to time a wall fell in the village, and the cattle, scared away by the
battle, began to resume confidence and return. I heard a goat bleat in
a neighboring stable. A great shepherd's dog wandered fearfully among
the heaps of dead. The horse, seeing him, neighed in terror--he took
him for a wolf--and the dog fled.
I remember all these details, for, when we are dying, we see
everything, we hear everything, for we know that we are seeing and
hearing our last.
But how my whole frame thrilled with joy when, at the corner of the
street, I thought I heard the sound of voices! How eagerly I listened!
And I raised myself upon my elbow, and called for help. It was yet
night; but the first gray streak of day was becoming visible in the
east, and afar off, through the falling rain, I saw a light in the
fields, now coming onward, now stopping. I saw dark forms bending
around it. They were only confused shadows. But others besides me saw
the light; for on all sides arose groans and plaintive cries, from
voices so feeble that they seemed like those of children calling their
mothers.
What is this life to which we attach so great a price? This miserable
existence, so full of pain and suffering? Why do we so cling to it,
and fear more to lose it than aught else in the world? What is it that
is to come hereafter that makes us shudder at the mere thought of
death? Who knows? For ages and ages all have thought and thought on
the great question, but none have yet solved it. I, in my eagerness to
live, gazed on that light as the drowning man looks to the shore. I
could not take my eyes from it, and my heart thrilled with hope. I
tried again to shout, but my voice died on my lips. The pattering of
the rain on the ruined dwellings, and on the trees, and on the ground,
drowned all other sounds, and, although I kept repeating, "They hear
us! They are coming!" and although the lantern seemed to grow larger
and larger, after wandering for some time over the field, it slowly
disappeared behind a little hill.