A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE BIG THINGS
SEEING the prevalence of rudeness in human intercourse, one is forced
to believe that the natural man is a cross-grained brute. That breeding
and culture often convert him into a creature of gentleness and
refinement speaks volumes for the powers of such influence. The average
man seems to take a savage delight in occasionally giving vent to
brutal or cutting speech. To yield thus to a primal and savage instinct
is to prove that breeding and refinement are lacking.
There are certain business men who, during business hours, meet one
with a brusk manner that would not be pardoned in a petty tradesman. If
we visit them on their own business,—not as intruders,—it is the same.
They seem to feel that a certain disagreeable humor is an indispensable
accompaniment to the occasion. Such insolence is usually taken as a
matter of course by the recipient, who immediately feels penitent at
the thought of his intrusion.
Too often the physician who is not a gentleman at heart trades on
the fact that his patients regard him as a necessity, and is as
disagreeable as his temper at the moment demands that he shall be. He
intimates that he is so busy that he has scarcely time to give his
advice; that the person he attends had no business to get ill, and, in
fact, makes himself generally so disagreeable it is to be wondered at
that the sufferer ever calls in this man again. Yet in a drawing-room,
and talking to a well person, this man’s manner would be charming. One
sometimes feels that sick people and physicians might well be classed
as “patients” and “impatients.”
It is but fair to remark that, to the credit of physicians, it is
not always those who have had the largest experience, or who stand
at the head of their profession who deserve to come under the above
condemnation. The men to whom the world looks for advice in the matters
of which they have made a study, and who are sure of their standing,
are often the gentlest, the most courteous.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: COUNTING-ROOM COURTESY]
Our busy men have need to remember that the man who is gentle at
heart shows that gentleness in counting-room and office as well as in
drawing-room and dining-room, and the fact that the person calling on
him for business purposes or advice is a woman, should compel him to
show the politeness which
—“is to do and say
The kindest thing in the kindest way.”
On the other hand, common courtesy and consideration for another demand
that the person who intrudes on a man when he is busy should state his
business briefly, and then take his departure. Only the busy man or
woman knows the agony that comes with the knowledge that the precious
moments of the working hours are being frittered away on that which
is unnecessary, when necessary work is standing by, begging for the
attention it deserves and should receive. Let him who would be careful
on points of etiquette remember that there is an etiquette of working
hours as well as of the hours of leisure and sociability.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: ASKING QUESTIONS]
Perhaps the lapse from good breeding most common in general society is
the asking of questions. One is aghast at the evidence of impertinent
curiosity that parades under the guise of friendly interest.
Interrogations as to the amount of one’s income, occupation, and even
as to one’s age and general condition, are legion and inexcusable.
Every one who writes—be he a well-known author or a penny-a-liner—knows
only too well the query, “What are you writing now?” and knows, too,
the feeling of impotent rage awakened by this query. Yet, unless one
would be as rude as one’s questioner, one must smile inanely and make
an evasive answer.
To ask no question does not, of necessity, mean a lack of interest
in the person with whom one is conversing. A polite and sympathetic
attention will show a more genuine and appreciative interest than much
inquisitiveness.
* * * * *
A lack of interest in what is being told one is a breach of courtesy
that is all too common. Often one sees a man or woman deliberately pick
up a book or paper, open it and glance over it while his interlocutor
is in the midst of a story he means to make interesting. If the
conversation _is_ interesting, it deserves the undivided attention
of both persons; if what is being said is not worth attention, the
listener should at least respect the speaker’s intention to please.
There is nothing more dampening to conversational enthusiasm, or more
“squelching” to eloquence, than to find the eyes of the person with
whom one is talking fixed on a book or magazine, which he declares he
is simply “looking over,” or at whose pictures he is “only glancing.”
[Sidenote: THE GOOD LISTENER]
A good listener is in himself an inspiration. Even if one is not
attracted by the person to whom one is talking, one should assume
interest. This rule also holds good with regard to the attention given
to a public speaker. In listening to a preacher or to a lecturer, one
should look at him steadily,—not allowing the eyes to wander about the
building and along the ceiling and walls. This habit of a seemingly
fixed attention is easily cultivated. If one is really interested in
the address, it aids in the enjoyment and comprehension of it to watch
the speaker’s facial play and gestures. If one is bored, one may yet
fix the eyes upon the face of the person to whom one is supposed to be
listening, and continue to think one’s own thoughts and to plan one’s
own plans. And certainly the person who is exerting himself for the
entertainment of his audience will speak better and be more comfortable
for the knowledge that eyes belonging to some one who is apparently
absorbed in his address are fixed upon him.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: TACTFUL CRITICISM]
One of the difficult things to do is to pass a criticism or make a
suggestion as to the speech or manner of another person. Yet there are
times when to refrain is to do the greatest unkindness to a person
sincerely eager to learn. A happy solution is to include one’s self
if possible in the censure given. “I’m afraid we were all a little
boisterous to-night,” said a tactful woman of the world to a young
girl who really _had_ been boisterous. She caught the criticism
intended and yet felt no hurt at the speaker.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: TALKING AT THE TELEPHONE]
Conditions under which otherwise polite persons feel that they can be
rude are those attendant on a telephone conversation. With the first
word many a man drops his courtesy as if it were a garment that did not
fit him. And women do the same. If “Central” were to record all that
she (it seems to be usually a “she”) hears, and all that is said to
her, our ears would tingle. True it is, that she sometimes is surly,
pert and ill-mannered. But if she is ill-bred, that is no reason for
the person talking to follow suit. Were one really amenable to arrest
for profanity over the wires, the police would be kept busy if they
performed their duty.
But putting aside the underbred who swears, let us listen for a moment
to the so-called courteous person,—for he is courteous under ordinary
circumstances:
[Sidenote: SCOLDING CENTRAL]
“Hello! Central! how long are you going to keep me waiting? I told
you I wanted ‘3040 Spring.’ Yes! I did say _that_! and if you would
pay attention to your business you would know it! I never saw such
a worthless set as they have at that Central Office. Got them, did
you? It’s time! Hello, 3040, is that you? Well, why the devil didn’t
you send that stuff around this morning? Going to, right away, are
you? Well, it’s time you did. What ails you people, anyway? _No!!
Central!!!_ I’m not through, and I wish to heaven you’d let this line
alone when I’m talking,” and so on, ad infinitum.
Is all this worth while, and is it necessary? And must women, who, as
they call themselves ladies, do not give vent to expressed profanity,
so far copy the manners of the so-called stronger sex that they scream
like shrews over the telephone?
Calling one day on a woman whom I had met with pleasure half a dozen
times, I was the unwilling listener to her conversation with her
grocer. She began by rating Central for not asking “What number?” as
soon as the receiver was lifted from the hook. Having warmed up to
business on this unseen girl, she got still more heated with the grocer
at the other end of the wire. She had ordered one kind of apples, and
he had sent her another, and the slip of paper containing the list
of her purchases had an item of a five-cent box of matches that she
had not ordered. With regard to all of which she expostulated shrilly
and with numerous exclamations that were as near as she dared come to
masculine explosives,—such as “Great Heavens!” “Goodness gracious!”
and so forth. After threatening to transfer her custom to another
grocer, and refusing to accept the apology of the abject tradesman, she
compromised by saying that she would give him another trial, and hung
up the receiver, coming into the parlor and beginning a conversation
once more in the even society voice I had invariably heard before from
her.
[Sidenote: COURTESY PAYS]
That the ways of telephones and the persons who operate them are
sometimes trying, no one can deny,—least of all, the writer of this
chapter, who lives in a house with one of these maddening essentials
to human comfort. But the loss of temper that manifests itself in the
outward speech is not a requisite of the proper appreciation and use
of the telephone. It is nothing less than a habit, and a pernicious
one,—this way we have of talking into the transmitter. Let us remember
that courtesy pays better than curses, and politeness better than
profanity. If not, then let us have poorer service from Central and
preserve our self-respect.
* * * * *
Never speak of calling a friend on the “phone.” The abbreviation is
vulgar though one sometimes hears it on the lips of delightful people.
But one should not make the mistake of justifying a solecism by saying
“Mrs. So-and-so says it!” To study the graces and avoid the blunders of
other people should be the aim of those who aspire to be well-bred.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: IN MARKET AND SHOP]
The breeding of a woman is often shown by the manner she uses when
shopping or marketing. Courtesy to clerks, to tradesmen of every sort
is the mark of a “lady,” the word used in that beautiful old-fashioned
sense to which, alas! we have grown a little callous. While a customer
has the right measurably to see what a shop affords before she makes
her choice, she has no right to give a clerk the trouble of taking
out everything when she has no intention of buying. If she gives much
trouble before her decision as to a purchase is reached she should
thank the clerk in charge for his extra labor. The fact that he is paid
for his time does not make this duty the less.
Altercations with clerks and other subordinates in a shop are in
execrable taste, are often a sign of an hysterical as well as a
choleric temper.
* * * * *
If women should be considerate in their manner toward employees of
the shops where they trade, it is quite as true that clerks should be
trained to civility by their employers. For instance, a part of the
duty of clerks is, of course, to keep watch over the articles sold. To
do this it is not necessary, however, to watch the customer as if she
were a prospective thief. This attitude on the part of the clerk is not
pleasant for the customer and does not encourage trade.
[Sidenote: UNWISE ENDEARMENTS]
The suspicious attitude is, however, no worse than the familiar one
employed by some of the young women serving in shops. A clerk who
urges a customer to buy because the article in question has proved
so satisfactory in her own family, or the young woman who calls one
“dearie” or “honey” as she fits a cloak upon one or manipulates one’s
millinery, makes a mistake. The relation between clerk and customer
should be always formal and courteous on both sides.
* * * * *
Marketing is a branch of shopping in which many women not fundamentally
ill-natured, have the appearance of being so. There is a kind of ugly
scrutiny which many women apply to the inspection of vegetables, meat
and other edibles that is most unattractive. If these women had an
idea of the way they look when they bend their hard cold eyes upon the
innocent vegetables and fruits, they would, at any cost, cultivate a
more agreeable manner. Beware of the marketing stare. As for a string
bag, if you have one put it in the furnace.
* * * * *
A rudeness of which people who should know better are frequently
guilty is that of criticizing a dear friend of the person to whom one
is talking. This is not only ill-mannered, but unkind, and one of many
flagrant violations of the Golden Rule. If a man loves his friend, do
not call his attention to that friend’s failings, nor twit him on his
fondness for such a person. He is happier for not seeing the failings,
and if the friendship brings him any happiness, or makes life even a
little pleasanter for him, do not be guilty of the cruelty of clouding
that happiness. If the man does see the faults of him he loves, and
loyally ignores them, pretend that you are not aware of the foibles
toward which he would have you believe him blind. The knowledge of the
peccadillos of those in whom we trust comes only too soon; we need not
hurry on the always disappointing, often bitter knowledge.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: NEVER PATRONIZE]
Perhaps lack of breeding shows in nothing more than in the manner of
receiving an invitation. Should a man say, patronizingly, “Oh, perhaps
I can arrange to come,”—when you invite him to some function, write him
down as unworthy of another invitation. He is lacking in respect to you
and in appreciation of the honor you confer on him in asking him to
partake of the hospitality you have devised.
“Really,” protests one man plaintively, “I am very tired! I have been
out every night for two weeks, and now you want me for to-morrow night.
I am doubtful whether I ought to come. I am so weary that I feel I need
rest.”
The stately woman who had asked him to her house, smiled amusedly:
“Pray let me settle your doubts for you,” she said, “and urge you not
to neglect the rest nature demands. Your first duty is to her, not to
me.”
The man was too obtuse or too conceited to perceive the veiled sarcasm,
and to know that the invitation was withdrawn.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS]
Unless one receives special permission from the person giving an
invitation to hold the matter open for some good and sufficient reason,
one should accept or decline a verbal invitation as soon as it is
given. If circumstances make this impossible, one should apologize for
hesitating, saying, “I am so anxious to come that I am going to ask
your permission to send you my answer later, after I ascertain if my
husband has no engagement for that evening,”—or some such form. The
hostess will readily grant such a request.
It may seem far-fetched to speak of ingratitude as a breach of
etiquette, but the lack of acknowledgment of favors is very much like
it. The man who accepts all done for him as his due, who forgets the
“thank you” in return for the trifling favors, is not a gentleman—in
that respect, at least. The young men and young women of to-day are too
often spoiled or heedless, taking pretty attentions offered them as
matters of course, and as their right.
* * * * *
In this miscellaneous chapter it may be well to enforce what is said
elsewhere with regard to the respect every man should show to women.
For instance, every man who really respects the women of his family
will remove his hat when he enters the house. There are, however, men
who kiss these same women with covered heads.
In a well-known play acted by a traveling company some years ago in a
small town, the hero, standing in a garden, told the heroine he loved
her, was accepted by her, and bent to kiss her without removing the
conventional derby from his blond pate. All sentiment was destroyed
for the spectators when irate Hibernian accents sounded forth from the
gallery with: “Suppose ye take off yer hat, ye ill-mannered blokey!”
The Irishman was in the right.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: A WORD TO THE SHY]
I would say a word to those who, through bashfulness or
self-consciousness, do the things they ought not to do and leave
undone those things which they ought to do. They are so uncomfortable
in society, so afraid of not appearing as they should, and so much
absorbed in wondering how they look and act, and wishing that they
did better, that they are guilty of the very acts of omission and
commission they would guard against.
If I could give one rule to the bashful it would be: Forget yourself
and your affairs in interest in others and their affairs. Be so fully
occupied noticing how well others appear and trying to make everybody
about you comfortable, that you have no time to think of your behavior.
You will then not be guilty of any flagrant breach of etiquette. The
most courteous women I have ever known, those whose manners were a
charm to all whom they met, were those who were self-forgetful and
always watching for opportunities to make other people comfortable.
Such are the queens of society.
[Sidenote: UNDUE SELF-CRITICISM]
If you do make a mistake take consolation from the fact—which will be
apparent to you in time—that others do the same. Perfect good breeding
is a state to which few attain absolutely. One should not make one’s
self thoroughly unhappy by too constant self-criticism, for to do this
is to disobey—paradoxically—a fundamental social law. The old negro
who, when asked to describe what he meant by “quality folks,” expressed
this law when he answered, “Quality never doubts theirselves.” The
beginner _must_ doubt, but he should not agonize about it.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: TALKING SHOP]
“Talking shop” is usually alluded to as a decided breach of etiquette.
In many cases it is so, yet there are people who are never so
entertaining as when doing this very thing, and there are companies in
which it is entirely proper they should do it. One must use discretion.
Certainly, no one should be forced to talk of his daily work if he
evidently prefers not to do so. Physicians in particular should not
be compelled to play the professional when they are trying to relax
socially.
* * * * *
A party is not the place for propaganda. The hostess who may be an
ardent advocate of votes for women should be sure that all her guests
share her views before she dogmatically propounds them. She may indeed
politely introduce the topic and if she merely does this, no one
present has a right to take offense or should hesitate in the same
spirit to speak of her own view. But the subject is likely to prove
dangerous. The writer has seen charming women utterly lose control of
themselves and all but maul one another over a “discussion” on equal
suffrage.
* * * * *
A social mistake to be avoided is that of being “touchy.” To be
so occasions one great unhappiness and leads to serious mistakes
in conduct. Do not allow yourself to find slights and affronts in
the demeanor of those with whom you are thrown unless there is real
foundation for the feeling. The mental attitude of fancying that others
intend to wound us grows if it is indulged in and finally leaves us
hopelessly out of key.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: CORDIAL GREETINGS]
One of the most valuable of social acquisitions is the habit of
greeting people in a delightful way. Learn to say “Good morning!”
audibly, heartily, as if you meant it. Unless one means to be very
informal one should add the name, “Good morning, Miss Smith.” We all
know men and women who possess this grace of salutation which lingers
happily on those on whom it is bestowed.
* * * * *
In meeting people for the first time one should take pains to get
their names exactly right. There is something very personal in one’s
feeling about one’s name and one has a right to have it spoken and
written as one elects. If a man is named “Davies” he can not be blamed
for resenting it if people indifferently address him as “Mr. Davis.”
If people who make introductions would take more trouble to speak the
name distinctly, this would help greatly. If the name is indistinctly
uttered you may say, “Pardon me, I did not understand the name?” which
will generally bring forth a clear repetition.
* * * * *
Small matters, such as quiet breathing, betoken gentlehood. Flowers, if
one is inhaling their perfume, should be treated delicately,—the face
should not be buried in them. Remember Browning’s word,
“Any nose
May ravage with impunity a rose.”
It is frequently said that the weather, as a topic of conversation,
is tabooed. But how charmingly Chesterton has defended it: “There are
very deep reasons for talking about the weather ... it is a gesture
of primeval worship ... to begin with the weather is a pagan way of
beginning with prayer. Then it is an expression of that elementary idea
in politeness—equality ... in that we all have our hats under the dark
blue spangled umbrella of the universe.” Surely after reading so fine a
plea, no one need fear to begin the morning’s conversation with a word
on the weather!
* * * * *
[Sidenote: GETTING OFF A STREET-CAR]
One of the things that most women need to learn is the correct way of
getting off a street-car, which is to step off with the right foot,
facing front, which saves awkwardness in every case and sometimes, if
the car starts too soon, an accident.
* * * * *
Nothing more absolutely marks a lady than her manner toward her social
inferior. She is kindly but never patronizing. A woman who was once
being fitted for new shoes and who had inquired of the clerk who waited
on her how his family were—the man had been at his post for many
years and she called him by name—turned to a woman acquaintance who
was waiting her turn and said, explanatorily, “I always speak to the
butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.” If this was her custom,
why apologize for it?
* * * * *
[Sidenote: AT THE HOTEL TABLE]
When strangers are served at the same table in a hotel, they should
bow and say “Good morning” or “Good evening,” on sitting down and on
leaving. This polite custom, often ignored in America, is universal
abroad.
* * * * *
If one wishes to ask a social favor such as a card for a friend
to a ball to which you yourself have been asked, or a letter of
introduction, it is better to make the request by note if possible,
as this gives the other person more freedom to refuse if that seems
necessary.
* * * * *
When one alludes to an entire family by name, respect requires that
the article “the” be prefixed. One’s friends are “the Smiths,” “the
Browns,” etc.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: OVERWHELMING COMPLIMENTS]
Profuse compliment is as much to be avoided as undue or untactful
criticism. We are annoyed by those who persistently overwhelm us
with admiring comment. On the other hand, one should not hesitate to
speak a sincere word that will give pleasure; one may without apology
tell a friend that her new hat is unusually becoming or her dress
artistic. There are people who pride themselves on “never saying
anything disagreeable” and they succeed in being so very often and
quite unconsciously because they lack savor. Arthur Benson, the English
essayist, has amusingly pointed out how dull society would be if we
turned it into a chorus of indiscriminate praise of how delightful A
is, what a charming person is B, how altogether lovely is C. Perhaps
the wisest rule is to draw a sharp line between those who are entitled
in a strict sense to the all-devoted attitude of affection and those
whom we merely like and find entertaining. Even the most patent faults
and shortcomings of the former must be sacred—“A friend conceals the
weaknesses of a friend.” Of the second class one may speak frankly
though of course always in taste and without malice.