MISTRESS AND MAID
THEY were not foreordained from all eternity to be sworn enemies.
Could that fact be impressed on the mind of each, there would be less
friction between them.
Where, in this day and in this country, is found the family servant
who follows the fortunes of her employers through adversity and evil
report, asking only to be allowed to live among those who have shown
her kindness, who have taught her all she knows, and who have been
kinder to her than her own family have been? She may exist in the
imagination of the optimistic novelist,—but not in reality. Once in a
great while such a servant, well-advanced in life, is found,—but she is
a rara avis.
On the other hand, it should be remembered that the burden of blame
and of responsibility for improvement rest with the woman of larger
opportunity. If we heard considerably more of “the mistress problem,”
we should probably hear less of the servant one.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: BOTH MUST HELP]
It is trite to say that in this country the servant matter is all
askew. We know that, and it is incumbent on us to make the best of
matters as we find them. To do this both mistress and maid should be
impressed with the fact expressed in the opening sentence of this
chapter. As matters now are, the maid sees in the mistress a possible
tyrant, one who will exact the pound of flesh, and, if the owner
thereof be not on her guard, will insist on a few extra ounces thrown
in for good measure. The mistress sees in the suspicious girl a person
who will, if the chance be offered her, turn against her employer, will
do the smallest amount of work possible for the highest wages she can
demand; break china, smash glass, shut her eyes to dirt in the corners,
and accept the first opportunity that offers itself to leave her
present place and get one that demands fewer duties and larger pay.
* * * * *
One of the great mistakes of the mistress is that she lets the state
of affairs greatly disturb her. Why should she? The maid is not “her
own kind,” and the woman is wrong who judges the uneducated, ill-reared
hireling by the rules that govern the better-educated classes. The
servant and the employer have been reared in different worlds, and to
ignore this fact is folly. How often do we see the mistress “hurt”
because of Norah’s lack of consideration for her and her time, and
vexed because the servant fails to appreciate any kindness shown her?
Let her accept the condition of affairs as what the slangy boy would
call “part of the game,” and not waste God-given nerve and energy in
worrying over it. If she gets reasonably good return in work for the
wages she pays, she should be content.
If a woman’s maid does something wrong or omits a duty, however
important, if guests are present the mistake should be remedied as
quietly as possible and without reproof. To rebuke a servant before
others is a great unkindness to her and needlessly embarrasses the
visitor.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: EXPECT THE BEST]
[Sidenote: ALWAYS BE CONSIDERATE]
The mistress should not expect a friend and counselor in the maid. Once
in a while, one meets a servant who, by some accident, is capable of
discerning the refinement of nature in her employer, and of respecting
it. In this case, she will care more for the employer for knowing
that she is trusted. It is a fact that, by appealing to the best in
human nature—be that nature American, Irish, German or Scandinavian—we
elicit the best from our fellow creatures. Let the mistress, then, try
to believe in the good intentions of her servant, or, if she can not
really believe in them, let her attempt to do so. Her attitude of mind
will, unconsciously to herself, make itself felt upon her helper. Let
her take it for granted that the “new girl” means to stay, is honest,
trustworthy and anxious to please, and let her talk to her as if all
these things were foregone conclusions. She may show by gentle manner
and kindly consideration that Norah or Gretchen is a sister-woman,
not a machine. If a washing or ironing happens to be heavy, let her
suggest a simple dessert of fruit, instead of the pudding that had been
planned. And if the maid’s heavy eyes and forced smile show that she
is not well, let the mistress, for a brief moment, put herself in the
place of the hireling, and think what she would want done for her under
similar circumstances. She will then suggest that some of the work that
can be deferred be laid aside until the following day, or offer to give
a hand in making the beds or dusting the rooms.
“But,” declares the systematic housewife, “I do not hire a servant,—and
then do my housework!”
No! Neither did you hire your maid-of-all-work to be a sick nurse,—but
were you ill it would be she who would cook your meals, carry up your
tray and take care of you, unless you were so ill as to need the
services of a trained attendant. Bear this in mind, and show the maid
that you do bear it in mind.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: WORK AFTER HOURS]
It is a more difficult matter to get the servant to look at the
subject from this standpoint. She has not been educated to regard
things from both sides. It is the custom of her cult to meet and,
in conclave assembled, to compare the faults, foibles and failings
of their employers. And when they do commend an employer for kind
treatment it is, as a rule, only to make the lot of another servant
look darker by contrast with the bright one depicted.
“Oh, me dear!” exclaims Bridget on entering Norah’s kitchen at
eight-thirty in the evening and finding her still washing dishes. “And
is this the hour that a poor hard-working girl is kept up to wash the
dinner-things? There are no such doin’s in _my_ kitchen, I tell ye! My
lady knows that I ain’t made of iron, and she knows, too, that I would
not put up with such an imposition!”
The fact that Norah’s mistress has helped her all day with the work,
that she is herself the victim of unexpected company, that she regrets
as much as Norah can that the unavoidable detention at the office of
the master of the house has made dinner later than usual, does not
deter the suddenly-enlightened girl from feeling herself a martyr, and
the seed of hate and distrust is quick to bear fruit in an offensive
manner and a sulky style of speech.
She does not pause to take into consideration that, while she may just
now be doing extra work, she also receives daily extra kindnesses and
consideration that were not agreed upon in the contract of her hire.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: TWO WAYS OF DOING]
There are just two rules that make the relations of mistress and maid
tolerable or pleasant. One is that everything be put on a purely
business basis—an arrangement hardly practical in domestic labor. The
other rule, and the better, is that a little practical Christianity be
brought into the relationship,—that the maid do her best, cheerfully
and willingly, and that the mistress treat her in the same spirit,
giving her little pleasures when it is within her power to do so,
trying to smooth the rough places, and to make crooked things straight.
Then, let each respect the other and make the best of the situation.
If it is intolerable, it may be changed. If not intolerable, let each
remember that there is no law, human or divine, that demands that the
contract stand forever—and let each dissolve the partnership when she
wishes to do so. Until this is done, mistress and maid should keep
silence as to the faults of the other, trying to see rather the virtues
than the failings of a sister-woman.
* * * * *
I wish that some word of mine with regard to this matter could sink
into the mind of the mistress. I fear that it will never be possible
to train the maid not to talk of her mistress to her friends. But
the employer should be above discussing her servants with outsiders.
This is one of the most glaring faults of conversation,—one of the
most flagrant breaches of conversational etiquette among women of
refinement. The hackneyed warning that the three _D’s_ to be banished
from polite conversation are Dress, Disease and Domestics, has not been
heeded by the average housewife, so far as the last _D_ is concerned.
She will fill willing and unwilling ears with the account of her
servants’ impertinences, of their faults, of how they are leaving
without giving warning, and of how ungrateful all servants are, until
one would think that her own soul was not above that of the laundress,
chambermaid and cook, whose failings she dissects in public. Such
talk reminds one of the conversation with which Bridget regales an
admiring and indignant coterie. With the uneducated hireling, it may be
pardonable; in the case of the educated employer it is inexcusable.
* * * * *
The best-trained servants say “Yes, madam,” instead of “Yes, ma’am.” In
England women as well as men servants are addressed by their surnames.
The custom does not commend itself to our American ideas.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: WOMEN WITH ONE MAID]
[Sidenote: CAPS AND APRON]
Women who keep only one maid should, if possible, have the laundry
work done out of the house. Only so can one be sure of a trim-looking
servant to answer the door. And the appearance of the person who admits
us to a house is taken, very justly, as a criterion of the domestic
standards of the house. A popular novelist once divided the houses in a
certain city into three classes: those that had maids, those that had
maids without caps, and those who had maids with caps. A woman’s social
standing need not depend on her having a maid at all,—she may “quite
come to her own door,” as one snobbish woman puts it, but if she keep a
maid, the maid should be properly dressed, and the cap is as essential
a part of her dress as her apron.