MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL DUTIES
WE have ridiculed our newly-rich woman’s fads, pretensions and failures
so sharply and for so long that we find it hard to do justice to the
solid virtues she often possesses. The average specimen is fair game,
and we—one and all, from the gentlest to the most sarcastic—unite in
“setting her down.”
Except perhaps the mother-in-law, no other woman supplies fun-makers
with such abundant—and cheap—material. She might retaliate on her
persecutors more frequently than she does by attributing much of the
ridicule, fine and coarse, heaped on her, to envy, far meaner than the
meanest of her pretensions.
* * * * *
Thus much for the average specimen at her worst. The exceptions to the
ignoble parvenu are numerous enough to form a class by themselves.
It is not a disgrace in this country of dizzying down-sittings and
bewildering uprisings, for miner, mechanic, merchant or manufacturer
to make money fast. It is to his credit when he insists that the
girl who was poorer than himself when they were married, and who has
kept him at his best physical and mental estate ever since by wise
management of their modest household—making every dollar do the work
of a dollar-and-a-quarter while feeding and clothing her family—should
get the full benefit of his changed fortunes. In house, furniture,
clothing, company, and what he names vaguely “a good time generally,”
he means that she shall ruffle it with the bravest of her associates.
He means also that these associates shall be in accord with his means.
And the intention need not be in vain. A woman who is by instinct a
lady, and who is at all clever in observing the little things she
lacks and acquiring them, will find herself “received” by as many
delightful people as she has time for. And inwardly she may take
courage from a witty woman’s remark, “I’d as soon be the newly-rich as
the always-poor.”
* * * * *
[Sidenote: MR. NEWLYRICH]
However, the odds are all against the chances that our worthy
money-maker himself will conform his personal behavior to the new
conditions. Husbands of his type leave “all that sort of thing” to
wives and daughters, and make the social advancement of these women
harder thereby. Not the least formidable obstacle in their upward
journey is the stubborn fact that “your father is quite impossible.”
[Sidenote: SOCIAL POLISH]
Men, as a whole, do not take polish readily. As John Newlyrich did
not wear a dress coat before he was twenty-one he is seldom quite
at ease in a “swallow-tail” at forty. As a millionaire of fifty, he
rebels against the obligation to wear it to the family dinner every
evening in the week. If he has read Dickens, which is hardly likely,
he echoes Mrs. Boffin’s “Lor’! let us be comfortable!” He butters a
whole slice of bread, using his knife trowel-wise, and if busy talking
of something that interests him particularly, he lays the slice upon
the cloth during the troweling. He cuts up his salad, and makes the
knife a good second to a fork while eating fish. Loyal to the memories
of early life, he never gets over the habit of speaking of dinner as
“supper,” and observes in conversation at a fashionable reception, “As
I was eating my dinner at noon to-day.” In like absent-mindedness, he
tucks his napkin into his collar to protect the expanse of shirt-front
exposed by the low-cut waistcoat of his dress suit. He says “sir,” to
his equals, and addresses facetious remarks to the butler, or draws the
waitress into conversation while meals are going on. Anxious wife and
despairing daughters are grateful if he does not put his knife into his
mouth when off-guard.
Trifles—are they? Not to the climbers who are exercised thereby. They
are gravel between the teeth, and pebbles in the dainty foot-wear of
Mrs. Newlyrich. The history of her social struggles would be incomplete
without the mention of this drawback. _She_ has learned the by-laws of
social usage by heart, and, loving and loyal wife though she is, she
sometimes loses patience with John for not doing the same.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: PROPER SOCIAL ASPIRATION]
In this, and in many another perplexity, more or less grievous, our
heroine has our sympathy and deserves our respect. We use the word
“heroine” advisedly. We have put the wealthy pushing vulgarian, who is
part of the stock company of caricature and joke-wright, entirely out
of the question. She has her sphere and her reward. Our business is
with the woman of worthy aspirations and innate refinement, raised by
a whirl of fortune’s wheel from decent poverty to actual wealth. She
has a natural desire to mingle on equal terms with the better sort of
rich people. She is glad of her wealth, but not purse-proud. It has
introduced her to another world. Of her social life it may be truly
said that old things have passed away and all things have become new.
It would be phenomenal if she fitted at once and easily into it. Money
has bought her fine house, and for money the artistic upholsterer has
furnished it. Money has hired a staff of servants, whereas up to now,
a maid-of-all-work was her sole “help.”
[Sidenote: ELEGANCE IN SPEECH]
Money does not enable her to master the “shibboleth” that would be
her passport to the land she would possess. And to mangle it into
“sibboleth”—as the least sophisticated of us know—means social
slaughter at the passages of Jordan. One’s speech and manner of
speaking are of the first importance socially, and fortunately it
is not difficult to improve them if one earnestly determines to do
so. One may frankly take private lessons, or one may learn much by
listening closely to the talk of people of high social finish. One
should not, however, imitate slavishly or attempt the impossible. To
use the “broad a” gracefully one must either have been born to it or
assiduously trained in one’s younger days. Otherwise it is bound to
seem an affectation. An error heard with surprising frequency even from
well-educated people is the use of “don’t” for “doesn’t.”
In _Sesame and Lilies_ Ruskin remarks, “A false accent or a mistaken
syllable is enough in the parliament of any civilized nation, to assign
a man to a certain degree of inferior standing forever.” This is an
extreme statement, of course, but there is much truth in it.
* * * * *
One thing Mrs. Newlyrich sometimes mistakenly permits is the
correcting of her grammatical blunders and her husband’s by their
better-educated children. To allow this shows a wrong sense of
proportion. It is infinitely more important for a child to respect his
parents and to show them respect than that the laws of Lindley Murray
be observed.
[Sidenote: AS TO FOREIGN PHRASES]
Seldom use a foreign phrase even if you have perfectly mastered
its meaning and pronunciation. The “well of English undefiled” is
usually sufficient for all needs. People who constantly sprinkle
their conversation and letters with “dictionary” French or Latin
lay themselves open to the charge of affectation. Certain foreign
words once accorded their original pronunciation are now habitually
Anglicized. One of the commonest of these is “valet,” which is now
spoken as if it were an ordinary English word.
Engage no servant who patronizes you. Give your maids to understand at
the outset that you are the head of the house, and know perfectly well
what you want each one to do, and how your household is to be run. Be
kind with all—familiar with none. They are your severest critics. Never
speak to them of your husband by his Christian name. Your daughter
should be “Miss Mary” and your son “Master John” in this connection.
“Breakfast is on,” “Luncheon is ready,” “Dinner is served” are the
correct formulas that you should require at the announcement of a
meal. Assert yourself with dignity, never defiantly. Your servants have
nothing to do with your past, or with anything connected with your
personal history beyond the present relation existing between you and
them. They will discuss and criticize you below-stairs and on “evenings
out,” and, in the event of “changing their place,” to the next mistress
who will stoop to listen to them. They would do the same were you a
princess with a thousand-year-old pedigree. Stand in your lot and be
philosophical.
You can not be too punctilious in not questioning them about how
“things” were done in other houses in which they have been employed.
Every such query will be construed into ignorance and diffidence. Be a
law unto yourself and unto them.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: WORDS TO BE AVOIDED]
Learn to speak of your “maid” or “maids,” not of your “girl.” If you
have two, call one the cook and the other the housemaid. “Girl” is in
itself a perfectly good word but it has, like some other good words
as “genteel,” become debased by getting into indifferent company. In
referring to your family avoid the word “folks” which has been decreed
inelegant. Substitute “folk” or “people.” Do not overwork the word
“lady,”—never speak of a “saleslady,” though this does not mean that
any particular girl or woman serving behind a shop counter may not
be a lady in every essential of the word. Train yourself in the nice
distinctions that dictate when one shall say “woman” or “lady,” when
“man” and when “gentleman.” The terms “lady friend” or “gentleman
friend” are never to be used. Never say “Excuse _me_!” Leave that to
the person who calls herself a “saleslady.”
* * * * *
[Sidenote: SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS]
Yet you must learn how the people live whom you would meet upon common
ground as old to them as it is new to you. You blush in confessing that
you are bewildered as to the order in which the various forks are to be
used that lie beside your plate at the few state dinners you attend.
Entrées are many, and some appallingly unfamiliar. You wonder mutely
what these people would think of you if they knew that you were never
“taken in” to dinner by a man until to-night, and how narrowly you
watch the hostess, or the woman across the way before you dare advance
upon the course set before you. Dreading awkward stiffness that would
betray preoccupation, you attract attention by a show of gaiety unlike
your usual behavior and unsuited to time and place. Should you make a
mistake—such as using a spoon instead of the ice-cream fork—you are
abashed to misery. Don’t apologize, however gross the solecism! In
eighteen times out of twenty, nobody has noticed the misadventure. In
twenty cases out of a score, if it were observed you are the one person
who would care a picayune about it, or ever think of it again.
* * * * *
Another cardinal principle is to learn to consider yourself as a minute
fractional part of society. When your name is bawled out by usher or
footman at a large party, it sounds like the trump of doom in your
unaccustomed ears. To your excited imagination all eyes are riveted
upon you. In point of fact, you are of no more consequence to the eyes,
ears and minds of your fellow guests than the carpet that seems to rise
to meet your uncertain feet. Stubborn conviction of your insignificance
is the first step that counts in the acquisition of well-mannered
composure among your fellows.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: MAKING ACQUAINTANCES]
In forming new acquaintances, be courteous in the reception of
advances, and slow in making them until you have reason to think that
you are liked for yourself, and not because your husband represents
six, or it may be seven numerals. There are sure to be dozens of
critics who will accuse you of parading these figures, as vessels
fly bunting in entering a strange harbor. Stamp on your mind that
adventitious circumstance has nothing to do with the worth of YOU,
YOURSELF!
* * * * *
For a long while after you embark upon your new life, be watchful
and studious—yet covertly, lest your study be noted. Return calls
promptly, sending in the right number of cards, and bearing yourself
in conversation with gentle self-possession. Never be flattered by any
attention into a flutter of pleasure. Above all, do not be obsequious,
be the person who honors you by social notice a multi-millionaire, or
the Chief Magistrate of these United States. Servility is invariably
vulgarity. Familiarity is, if possible, a half-degree more repulsive.
Self-respect and a wholesome oblivion of dollars and cents are a
catholicon amid the temptations of your novel sphere.
If you chance to entertain some one who is still as obscure as you
were once yourself, avoid all temptation to make a display or to
be patronizing. “I am so glad you could come to-night,” effusively
commented such a hostess to one of her guests. “I know you go out so
seldom!” The guest in question showed by her silence that she did
not relish being publicly reminded that she was of limited social
opportunities.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: AVOID NOVELTIES]
When you begin to entertain in your turn avoid, scrupulously, startling
effects and novelties of all kinds. Until you are used to the task,
be strictly conventional in arrangements for your guests’ reception
and pleasure. Let floral decorations and “souvenirs” be modest and
tasteful. Mantels banked with orchids, boutonnières of hothouse roses
at a dollar apiece, and cases of expensive jewelry as favors, may
express a generous hospitality on your part and a desire to gratify the
acquaintances you would convert into friends. They will surely be set
down to ostentatious display of means that few of the guests possess.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: HELP FROM BOOKS]
There are manuals of etiquette which will keep you from open solecisms
in social usages. Follow their rules obediently, curbing all
disposition to originality—for a while, at least. If possible, keep
the greedy society reporter at a distance, without angering her. Do
not give away the list of those invited, much less the menu. As Dick
Fanshawe’s eulogist said of men who “jump upon their mothers,”—“Some
does, you know!” Some even send in to the newspapers unsolicited
descriptions of their entertainments with lists of guests, to the
amusement of the editorial office.
These mistakes give occasion to the aforementioned cartoonists and
joke-venders to deride the name of hospitality dispensed by the
Newlyrich clan. Let the aforesaid manual of etiquette be followed
with obedience, but not with servile and unthinking obedience.
Unfortunately, it is true that the person unaccustomed to precise
social regulations and to a formal manner of living, is inclined to
consider the rules governing such life as arbitrary, inexplicable and
mysterious. If the uninitiated woman will disabuse herself of this
idea, she has taken a long step in the right direction. Once you accept
the fact that there is reason behind the forms employed by society, it
will not be long before you will be searching for the reason itself.
The laws governing the conventional world will then acquire for you a
meaning that will make adherence to them simple and natural, instead of
stiff and mechanical.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: LEARN TO DISCRIMINATE]
The matter of discriminating properly in questions of taste is a thing
much more difficult to learn than the set and definite rules governing
definite exigencies of social life. Yet taste,—taste in clothes,
taste in the objects surrounding one, taste in all matters with which
expenditure is concerned,—this is a necessity in the attainment of any
social position worthy of the name. In this direction something may
be gained by observation, though not until the eye is sufficiently
trained to make it a trustworthy guide. The sense of beauty is somewhat
a matter of cultivation, and its application to every-day life is
the result of experience and judgment. Do not imagine that a color
is becoming to you merely because you happen to like it. Do not buy
a chair or a couch simply because the one or the other may happen to
please your fancy. The color you wear, the furniture you buy must have
reference, the one to your appearance, the other to its surroundings.
[Sidenote: CONSULTING AUTHORITIES]
When one is unversed in these matters it is best to submit problems
to an authority. It is wiser to allow a clever modiste to select the
color, style and material of one’s gown than to do it one’s self. It is
better to put the scheme of decoration for your house into the hands
of some accomplished person, educated to that end, than to attempt it
yourself. In large cities persons competent in this matter of household
decoration may easily be found, people whose business it is to act as
paid agents of the more beautiful and esthetic way. Many architects
have in their employ persons who are capable of advising as to interior
decoration and of superintending the work. If one is resident in a
small place, the difficulty is obviated by the intelligent aid offered
to the questioner through the columns of the better magazines devoted
to esthetics as applied to every-day living. The advice given in the
best of these publications is conscientious, careful, expert advice.
* * * * *
One especial point in house-furnishing is worth noting. Do not crowd
your beautiful Oriental rugs together, but leave a surface of polished
floor about each. Rugs are floor pictures and should have frames
as well as wall pictures do. The effect of putting them close upon
one another, though seen in many houses otherwise well ordered, is
inartistic.
[Sidenote: AS TO LION-HUNTING]
Mrs. Newlyrich is frequently criticized for her frequent fondness for
lion-hunting. This is not always fair. If she hunt because of the
glory she hopes to heap on herself, she deserves ridicule, but if she
do it in the spirit of genuine appreciation and a desire to give rare
pleasure to her friends she performs a real service to art and to
society and merits praise for her courage and kindness, not censure.
* * * * *
If the woman who is now wealthy was once a trained nurse or a
stenographer, do not let her be ashamed of the fact now. If she is
frank and simple about the matter, sensible people will respect her for
having been honorably employed. If she tries to hide the truth, every
one will despise her for it. If she avoid the phrase—and the thought
back of it—so often heard, “getting into society,” and will remember
that all gentle aspiring persons are already members of the best
society, she will be helped to steer her bark aright.
* * * * *
Beware of any person who attempts to exploit you “for revenue only.” On
the other hand, if you find some one who for reasons of sincere liking
undertakes to show you the social ropes, you will be fortunate.
[Sidenote: THE VALUE OF MODESTY]
I have said that it is not your fault that you were not born in the
purple. Neither is it of your merit and to your honor that you now
walk in silk attire, and may freely gratify dreams you would once have
considered wildly impossible. A certain steadiness of attitude should
be striven for. Don’t be like a bell, answering helplessly to every
contact. Imitate in your manner that large nobility of Horatio of whom
Hamlet said,
“A man that fortune’s buffets and rewards
Hast ta’en with equal thanks.
They are not a pipe for fortune’s finger
To sound what stop she please.”
The best of all books enjoins on the suddenly-exalted to be mindful
of the pit from whence they were digged. Purse-pride is contemptible
in its meanness and folly. You are safe from ridicule if you keep
this fact in mind. Set up “me” and “mine” in “pearl” type, and not in
capitals.
A final injunction: do not assume knowledge of what you are really
ignorant. To do this is to lay traps for yourself and to multiply
embarrassments. Try to forestall the situation by private questioning;
if you can not do this say frankly that you do not know.