MARION HARLAND’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE
MARION HARLAND’S
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE
_A Young People’s Guide to Every Social Occasion_
BY
MARION HARLAND
AND
VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER
_REVISED AND ENLARGED_
[Illustration]
INDIANAPOLIS
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PUBLISHERS
COPYRIGHT 1905, 1907, 1914
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PRESS OF
BRAUNWORTH & CO.
BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS
BROOKLYN, N. Y.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS 1
II CARDS AND CALLS 14
III LETTER-WRITING 27
IV INTRODUCTIONS 38
V AFTER SIX O’CLOCK 43
VI FUNCTIONS 52
VII THE HOME WEDDING 69
VIII THE CHURCH WEDDING 78
IX THE DINNER PARTY 88
X THE EDUCATION OF A YOUNG GIRL 111
XI THE DÉBUTANTE 120
XII MEN AND WOMEN 125
XIII COEDUCATION SOCIALLY CONSIDERED 136
XIV THE CHAPERON 145
XV THE MATTER OF DRESS 152
XVI MAKING AND RECEIVING GIFTS 167
XVII BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 175
XVIII THE VISITOR 182
XIX THE VISITED 195
XX HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 203
XXI THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 208
XXII AT TABLE 216
XXIII IN THE HOME 227
XXIV IN PUBLIC 238
XXV HOTEL AND BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 249
XXVI IN THE RESTAURANT 259
XXVII WHEN TRAVELING 268
XXVIII IN SPORT 280
XXIX MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL DUTIES 291
XXX DELICATE POINTS FOR OUR GIRL 306
XXXI OUR OWN AND OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN 315
XXXII OUR NEIGHBORS 323
XXXIII CHURCH AND PARISH 329
XXXIV THE WOMAN’S CLUB 337
XXXV CHARITIES, PUBLIC AND PRIVATE 347
XXXVI COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD 355
XXXVII MISTRESS AND MAID 363
XXXVIII THE WOMAN WITHOUT A MAID 371
XXXIX WOMAN IN BUSINESS RELATIONS 380
XL A FINANCIAL STUDY FOR OUR YOUNG COUPLE 387
XLI MORE TALK ABOUT ALLOWANCES 395
XLII A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE BIG THINGS 399
XLIII ON MANNER 418
XLIV SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION 426
INDEX 433
MARION HARLAND’S
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE
CHAPTER I
SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS
THE sending and receiving of invitations underlies social obligations.
It therefore behooves both senders and recipients to learn the proper
form in which these evidences of hospitality should be despatched and
received.
In the majority of cases an invitation demands an answer. If one is in
doubt, it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invitation,
rather than on that of ignoring it altogether.
* * * * *
We will consider first such invitations as demand no acceptance but
which call for regrets if one can not accept. Such are cards to “At
Home” days, to teas and to large receptions. Unless any one of these
bears on its face the letters “R. s. v. p.” (_Répondez, s’il vous
plaît_—Answer if you please) no acceptance is required. If one can not
attend the function, one should send one’s card so that one’s friend
will receive it on the day of her affair.
[Sidenote: CARDS FOR AN AT HOME]
The cards for an “At Home” are issued about ten days before the
function. They bear the hostess’ name alone, unless her husband is to
receive with her, in which case the card may bear the two names, as
“Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.” The average American man does not, however,
figure at his wife’s “At Homes” when these are held in the afternoon.
The exigencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often
for him to be depended on for such an occasion.
* * * * *
A plain, heavy cream card, simply engraved, is now used for most formal
invitations in preference to the engraved notes that were the rule ten
years ago.
The card bears in the lower right-hand corner the address of the
entertainer; in the lower left-hand corner the date and the hours of
the affair,—as “Wednesday, October the nineteenth,” and under this
“From four until seven o’clock.”
If the tea be given in honor of a friend, or to introduce a stranger,
the card of this person is enclosed with that of the hostess, if the
affair be rather informal. If, however, it be a formal reception it is
well to have engraved upon the card of the hostess, directly under her
own name, “To meet Miss Smith.”
If a woman wishes to be at home for a guest unexpectedly arrived, and
there is not time for the engraving of cards, or if she prefers to be
informal, she may simply use her visiting-card, writing the name of her
guest beneath her own, and adding the date on which she will receive,
and the hours, in the lower left-hand corner. It is understood, of
course, that abbreviations—with the exception of “P. p. c.” and “R. s.
v. p.”—are never to be used on invitations and social notes.
The recipient, if sending cards instead of attending, encloses a card
for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet.
[Sidenote: THE EVENING RECEPTION]
The cards for an evening reception may be issued in the same style. If
not, they are in the form of a regular invitation, and in the third
person, as:
“Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs.
Brown’s company
On Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth,
From eight to eleven o’clock.
2 West Clark Street.”
If this formal invitation bears “R. s. v. p.” in one corner, it should
be accepted in the same person in which it is written, thus:
“Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with pleasure Mr. and
Mrs. Smith’s invitation for Wednesday evening, October
the nineteenth.”
The reply to an invitation, whether formal or informal, should, to
guard against misunderstanding, always explicitly repeat the date and
the hour.
It is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will
be guilty of the outrageous solecism of signing his or her name to an
invitation written in the third person. But such things have been done!
* * * * *
[Sidenote: ABBREVIATIONS AND FIGURES]
The letters “R. s. v. p.” are often written or engraved entirely in
capitals. This is incorrect. Some people prefer to dispense with them
altogether and to express themselves in the simpler fashion, “The
favor of an answer is requested.” It will be noticed that figures are
avoided. The day of the week, and such words as “street” and “avenue”
must appear in full. Some people even write out the year in words, but
this looks heavy. Never use “City” or “Town” on an envelope in place of
the name of the city.
To announce an “At Home” through the newspapers is to be avoided. In
case of the sudden descent of a friend who will remain for two or three
days only it may be done. In that case one must add that there are no
invitations, otherwise one’s friends may not understand.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: DANCES AND TEAS]
Invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to
teas, with “Dancing” written or engraved in the corner of the card. As
with teas, so with evening receptions, a declinature must be sent in
the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function. The custom
that some persons follow of writing “Regrets” on such a card is not
good form.
An invitation to a card-party, no matter how informal, always demands
an answer, as the entertainer wishes to know how many tables to
provide, and the number of players she can count on.
* * * * *
Cards to church weddings demand no answer unless the wedding be a
small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the
relatives, in which case the acceptance or regret must be written at
once, and thanks expressed for the honor. A “crush” church wedding is
the one function that demands no reply of any kind. If one can go, well
and good. If one does not go one will not be missed from the crowd that
will throng the edifice. An invitation to a home wedding or a breakfast
demands an answer and thanks for the honor.
[Sidenote: ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES]
While on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs, it
may be well to touch on a point concerning which many correspondents
write letters of agonized inquiry,—the addressing of envelopes to the
different members of a family. The question, “May one invitation be
sent to an entire family, consisting of parents, sons and daughters?”
is asked again and again. To each of these an emphatic “No!” is the
answer. If any person is to be honored by an invitation to a function,
he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way. One
card should be sent to “Mr. and Mrs. Blank”; another to the “Misses
Blank,” still another to each son of the family. One can foresee the
day when each unmarried daughter will expect her own card, so rapidly
is feminine individuality developing. Each invitation is enclosed in a
separate envelope, but, if desired, all these envelopes may be enclosed
in a larger outer one addressed to the head of the house.
* * * * *
The most important invitation,—one demanding an immediate answer,—is
that to a dinner or luncheon, be this formal or informal. For stately
formal dinners, engraved invitations in the third person are sent. But
it is quite as good form, and in appearance much more hospitable and
complimentary, for the hostess herself to write personal notes of
invitation to each guest. These may be in the simplest language, as:
“My dear Miss Dorr:
“Will you give Mr. Brown and myself the pleasure of
having you at dinner with us on Thursday evening,
December the sixth? We sincerely hope that you will be
among those whom we see at our table that night. Dinner
will be served at seven o’clock.
“Cordially yours,
“Louise Brown.”
An invitation to a married woman should always include herself and her
husband, but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is
supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the family. This note
may read:
“My dear Mrs. Aikman:
“Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us by being our guests
at dinner on Thursday evening, December the sixth, at
seven o’clock? Sincerely hoping to see you at that
time, I remain,
“Cordially yours,
“Louise Brown.”
[Sidenote: THE SINGLE MAN]
A note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way. If the
dinner be given to any particular guest or guests, this fact should be
mentioned in the invitation. As, for instance, “Will you dine with us
to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows,” and so forth.
Single men who are warmly appreciative of dinner invitations and who
foresee no opportunity in the near future to return the hospitality
offered to them, frequently send a box of flowers to their hostess on
the day of her entertainment.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: THE INVITATION TO DINNER]
As soon as practicable after the receipt of a dinner invitation, the
recipient should write a cordial note. If accepting she should express
thanks and the pleasure she (or her husband and she) will take in being
present at the time mentioned. As a rule the decision to accept or
decline should be as absolute as it is immediate. Only the greatest
intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an
invitation be held open even for a day. The hostess must make her
arrangements and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from
all those she has asked.
If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form of a recognition
of the honor conveyed in the invitation, and genuine regret at the
impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the
following way:
“My dear Mrs. Brown:
“Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a previous
engagement makes it impossible for us to accept your
delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank
you for counting us among those who are so happy as to
be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we
could be with you.
“Cordially and regretfully yours,
“Jane Aikman.”
[Sidenote: DINNER ENGAGEMENTS BINDING]
No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once
accepted, nothing must be allowed to interfere with one’s attendance
unless one is so ill that one’s physician absolutely forbids one
leaving the house.
Some wit said that a man’s only excuse for non-attendance at such a
function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice
as an explanation. Certain it is that nothing short of one’s own severe
illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should
interfere with one’s attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency
arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that
the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the
one who is unavoidably prevented from being present.
When it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy, the
hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly, while the guest
on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation. A
clever woman always has several persons on whom she can rely for such
emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward.
[Sidenote: THE LUNCHEON]
All the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to
a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is next in importance as
a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting
that one should attend it must be promptly despatched.
In planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about
asking together people who have for a long time lived in the same
neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who
are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another. Sometimes it is
safer to ask one’s prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable
for them to meet.
Before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest
that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one
is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit
may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a
compliment, let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the
honor intended. To decline as if the person extending the invitation
were a bit presumptuous in giving it, or to accept in a condescending
manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under a recently-acquired
polish. A thoroughbred accepts and declines all invitations as though
he were honored by the attention. In doing so he shows himself worthy
to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended
to him. Would that more of the strugglers up Society’s ladders would
appreciate this truth!
* * * * *
If a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment
than a dance, she writes the suitable word, “Music,” “Bridge,”
“Garden-party,” etc., in place of the word “Dancing.”
For a dinner dance one sends a note or an engraved card with “Dancing
at ten” or “Cotillion at eleven” in the corner, to the comparatively
small number asked to dine. The guests asked for the dance receive only
an “At Home” card, with the announcement “Dancing at ten” in the corner.
[Sidenote: THE TEA-DANCE]
The tea-dance or _thé-dansant_ has recently been revived. This calls
for an “At Home” card and the word “Dancing” in the corner. It is
merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided
for the young people to whirl about.
Some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply
of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of
the guest is written. This is certainly a time-saving custom, but the
appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved,
while on the other hand it lacks the real cordiality of the written
note. Aiming at a combined effect, it hardly achieves either of the
things desired.
A minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons
consists in inviting guests “for” dinner. The ducks and salad, ices and
cakes are _for_ dinner; the guests should be asked _to_ it.
A woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without
obtaining permission beforehand, but she will of course, in speaking
to her hostess, express appreciation of the pleasant opportunity thus
afforded to her guest.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: CARDS AFTER A DEATH]
After a death has taken place, one will not for a month or six
weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social
invitations. After that time, however, they should be sent as usual. It
is the personal privilege of the bereaved to determine how soon and to
what extent they will resume their relations with society. If one is in
mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any
gay company, but nowadays mourning is not always assumed even by the
most grievously stricken. If such persons find their burden more easily
borne by the resumption, as far as may be, of their normal activities,
it is the part of kindness to aid them in making this resumption as
easy and natural as possible.
It is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail, though in
some southern places the more elegant—if difficult—method of delivering
them by the hand of a servant is still cherished. Many informal
invitations are now extended by telephone.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: HOW INVITATIONS BEGIN]
Dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions
are issued in the names of both host and hostess. For a ball or a
garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone, though this is
not usual. A young girl should never announce any but the smallest and
most informal parties in her own name. Yet many young girls do so,
ignoring their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national
reputation for bad manners.
A bishop and his wife, if they are issuing cards to a large reception,
often do it in this way: “The Bishop of Indiana and Mrs. Hereford
request the honor,” etc.
An invitation should never begin “You are cordially invited,” etc. It
should always be issued in the name of some person or persons. “The
Men’s Club invites you” or “The Diocesan Society requests the honor of”
is good form.