"It seems to me," said Shakespeare, wearily, one afternoon at the
club--"that this business of being immortal is pretty dull. Didn't
somebody once say he'd rather ride fifty years on a trolley in Europe
than on a bicycle in Cathay?"
"I never heard any such remark by any self-respecting person," said
Johnson.
"I said something like it," observed Tennyson.
Doctor Johnson looked around to see who it was that spoke.
"You?" he cried. "And who, pray, may you be?"
"My name is Tennyson," replied the poet.
"And a very good name it is," said Shakespeare.
"I am not aware that I ever heard the name before," said Doctor Johnson.
"Did you make it yourself?"
"I did," said the late laureate, proudly.
"In what pursuit?" asked Doctor Johnson.
"Poetry," said Tennyson. "I wrote 'Locksley Hall' and 'Come into the
Garden, Maude.'"
"Humph!" said Doctor Johnson. "I never read 'em."
"Well, why should you have read them?" snarled Carlyle. "They were
written after you moved over here, and they were good stuff. You needn't
think because you quit, the whole world put up its shutters and went out
of business. I did a few things myself which I fancy you never heard
of."
"Oh, as for that," retorted Doctor Johnson, with a smile, "I've heard of
you; you are the man who wrote the life of Frederick the Great in nine
hundred and two volumes--"
"Seven!" snapped Carlyle.
"Well, seven then," returned Johnson. "I never saw the work, but I heard
Frederick speaking of it the other day. Bonaparte asked him if he had
read it, and Frederick said no, he hadn't time. Bonaparte cried,
'Haven't time? Why, my dear king, you've got all eternity.' 'I know
it,' replied Frederick, 'but that isn't enough. Read a page or two, my
dear Napoleon, and you'll see why.'"
"Frederick will have his joke," said Shakespeare, with a wink at Tennyson
and a smile for the two philosophers, intended, no doubt, to put them in
a more agreeable frame of mind. "Why, he even asked me the other day why
I never wrote a tragedy about him, completely ignoring the fact that he
came along many years after I had departed. I spoke of that, and he
said, 'Oh, I was only joking.' I apologized. 'I didn't know that,' said
I. 'And why should you?' said he. 'You're English.'"
"A very rude remark," said Johnson. "As if we English were incapable of
seeing a joke!"
"Exactly," put in Carlyle. "It strikes me as the absurdest notion that
the Englishman can't see a joke. To the mind that is accustomed to snap
judgments I have no doubt the Englishman appears to be dull of
apprehension, but the philosophy of the whole matter is apparent to the
mind that takes the trouble to investigate. The Briton weighs everything
carefully before he commits himself, and even though a certain point may
strike him as funny, he isn't going to laugh until he has fully made up
his mind that it is funny. I remember once riding down Piccadilly with
Froude in a hansom cab. Froude had a copy of _Punch_ in his hand, and he
began to laugh immoderately over something. I leaned over his shoulder
to see what he was laughing at. 'That isn't so funny,' said I, as I read
the paragraph on which his eye was resting. 'No,' said Froude. 'I
wasn't laughing at that. I was enjoying the joke that appeared in the
same relative position in last week's issue.' Now that's the point--the
whole point. The Englishman always laughs over last week's _Punch_, not
this week's, and that is why you will find a file of that interesting
journal in the home of all well-to-do Britons. It is the back number
that amuses him--which merely proves that he is a deliberative person who
weighs even his humor carefully before giving way to his emotions."
"What is the average weight of a copy of _Punch_?" drawled Artemas Ward,
who had strolled in during the latter part of the conversation.
Shakespeare snickered quietly, but Carlyle and Johnson looked upon the
intruder severely.
"We will take that question into consideration," said Carlyle. "Perhaps
to-morrow we shall have a definite answer ready for you."
"Never mind," returned the humorist. "You've proved your point. Tennyson
tells me you find life here dull, Shakespeare."
"Somewhat," said Shakespeare. "I don't know about the rest of you
fellows, but I was not cut out for an eternity of ease. I must have
occupation, and the stage isn't popular here. The trouble about putting
on a play here is that our managers are afraid of libel suits. The
chances are that if I should write a play with Cassius as the hero,
Cassius would go to the first night's performance with a dagger concealed
in his toga, with which to punctuate his objections to the lines put in
his mouth. There is nothing I'd like better than to manage a theatre in
this place, but think of the riots we'd have! Suppose, for an instant,
that I wrote a play about Bonaparte! He'd have a box, and when the rest
of you spooks called for the author at the end of the third act, if he
didn't happen to like the play he'd greet me with a salvo of artillery
instead of applause."
"He wouldn't if you made him out a great conqueror from start to finish,"
said Tennyson.
"No doubt," returned Shakespeare, sadly; "but in that event Wellington
would be in the other stage-box, and I'd get the greeting from him."
"Why come out at all?" asked Johnson.
"Why come out at all?" echoed Shakespeare. "What fun is there in writing
a play if you can't come out and show yourself at the first night? That's
the author's reward. If it wasn't for the first-night business, though,
all would be plain sailing."
"Then why don't you begin it the second night?" drawled Ward.
"How the deuce could you?" put in Carlyle.
"A most extraordinary proposition," sneered Johnson.
"Yes," said Ward; "but wait a week--you'll see the point then."
"There isn't any doubt in my mind," said Shakespeare, reverting to his
original proposition, "that the only perfectly satisfactory life is under
a system not yet adopted in either world--the one we have quitted or
this. There we had hard work in which our mortal limitations hampered us
grievously; here we have the freedom of the immortal with no hard work;
in other words, now that we feel like fighting-cocks, there isn't any
fighting to be done. The great life in my estimation, would be to return
to earth and battle with mortal problems, but equipped mentally and
physically with immortal weapons."
"Some people don't know when they are well off," said Beau Brummel. "This
strikes me as being an ideal life. There are no tailors bills to pay--we
are ourselves nothing but memories, and a memory can clothe himself in
the shadow of his former grandeur--I clothe myself in the remembrance of
my departed clothes, and as my memory is good I flatter myself I'm the
best-dressed man here. The fact that there are ghosts of departed unpaid
bills haunting my bedside at night doesn't bother me in the least,
because the bailiffs that in the old life lent terror to an overdue
account, thanks to our beneficent system here, are kept in the less
agreeable sections of Hades. I used to regret that bailiffs were such
low people, but now I rejoice at it. If they had been of a different
order they might have proven unpleasant here."
"You are right, my dear Brummel," interposed Munchausen. "This life is
far preferable to that in the other sphere. Any of you gentlemen who
happen to have had the pleasure of reading my memoirs must have been
struck with the tremendous difficulties that encumbered my progress. If
I wished for a rare liqueur for my luncheon, a liqueur served only at the
table of an Oriental potentate, more jealous of it than of his one
thousand queens, I had to raise armies, charter ships, and wage warfare
in which feats of incredible valor had to be performed by myself alone
and unaided to secure the desired thimbleful. I have destroyed empires
for a bon-bon at great expense of nervous energy."
"That's very likely true," said Carlyle. "I should think your feats of
strength would have wrecked your imagination in time."
"Not so," said Munchausen. "On the contrary, continuous exercise served
only to make it stronger. But, as I was going to say, in this life we
have none of these fearful obstacles--it is a life of leisure; and if I
want a bird and a cold bottle at any time, instead of placing my life in
peril and jeopardizing the peace of all mankind to get it, I have only to
summon before me the memory of some previous bird and cold bottle, dine
thereon like a well-ordered citizen, and smoke the spirit of the best
cigar my imagination can conjure up."
"You miss my point," said Shakespeare. "I don't say this life is worse
or better than the other we used to live. What I do say is that a
combination of both would suit me. In short, I'd like to live here and
go to the other world every day to business, like a suburban resident who
sleeps in the country and makes his living in the city. For instance,
why shouldn't I dwell here and go to London every day, hire an office
there, and put out a sign something like this:
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
DRAMATIST
Plays written while you wait
I guess I'd find plenty to do."
"Guess again," said Tennyson. "My dear boy, you forget one thing. _You
are out of date_. People don't go to the theatres to hear _you_, they go
to see the people who _do_ you."
"That is true," said Ward. "And they do do you, my beloved William. It's
a wonder to me you are not dizzy turning over in your grave the way they
do you."
"Can it be that I can ever be out of date?" asked Shakespeare. "I know,
of course, that I have to be adapted at times; but to be wholly out of
date strikes me as a hard fate."
"You're not out of date," interposed Carlyle; "the date is out of you.
There is a great demand for Shakespeare in these days, but there isn't
any stuff."
"Then I should succeed," said Shakespeare.
"No, I don't think so," returned Carlyle. "You couldn't stand the pace.
The world revolves faster to-day than it did in your time--men write
three or four plays at once. This is what you might call a Type-writer
Age, and to keep up with the procession you'd have to work as you never
worked before."
"That is true," observed Tennyson. "You'd have to learn to be
ambidextrous, so that you could keep two type-writing machines going at
once; and, to be perfectly frank with you, I cannot even conjure up in my
fancy a picture of you knocking out a tragedy with the right hand on one
machine, while your left hand is fashioning a farce-comedy on another."
"He might do as a great many modern writers do," said Ward; "go in for
the Paper-doll Drama. Cut the whole thing out with a pair of scissors.
As the poet might have said if he'd been clever enough:
_Oh, bring me the scissors_,
_And bring me the glue_,
_And a couple of dozen old plays_.
_I'll cut out and paste_
_A drama for you_
_That'll run for quite sixty-two days_.
_Oh, bring me a dress_
_Made of satin and lace_,
_And a book--say Joe Miller's--of wit_;
_And I'll make the old dramatists_
_Blue in the face_
_With the play that I'll turn out for it_.
_So bring me the scissors_,
_And bring me the paste_,
_And a dozen fine old comedies_;
_A fine line of dresses_,
_And popular taste_
_I'll make a strong effort to please_.
"You draw a very blue picture, it seems to me," said Shakespeare, sadly.
"Well, it's true," said Carlyle. "The world isn't at all what it used to
be in any one respect, and you fellows who made great reputations
centuries ago wouldn't have even the ghost of a show now. I don't
believe Homer could get a poem accepted by a modern magazine, and while
the comic papers are still printing Diogenes' jokes the old gentleman
couldn't make enough out of them in these days to pay taxes on his tub,
let alone earning his bread."
"That is exactly so," said Tennyson. "I'd be willing to wager too that,
in the line of personal prowess, even D'Artagnan and Athos and Porthos
and Aramis couldn't stand London for one day."
"Or New York either," said Mr. Barnum, who had been an interested
listener. "A New York policeman could have managed that quartet with one
hand."
"Then," said Shakespeare, "in the opinion of you gentlemen, we old-time
lions would appear to modern eyes to be more or less stuffed?"
"That's about the size of it," said Carlyle.
"But you'd draw," said Barnum, his face lighting up with pleasure. "You'd
drive a five-legged calf to suicide from envy. If I could take you and
Caesar, and Napoleon Bonaparte and Nero over for one circus season we'd
drive the mint out of business."
"There's your chance, William," said Ward. "You write a play for
Bonaparte and Caesar, and let Nero take his fiddle and be the orchestra.
Under Barnum's management you'd get enough activity in one season to last
you through all eternity."
"You can count on me," said Barnum, rising. "Let me know when you've got
your plan laid out. I'd stay and make a contract with you now, but Adam
has promised to give me points on the management of wild animals without
cages, so I can't wait. By-by."
"Humph!" said Shakespeare, as the eminent showman passed out. "That's a
gay proposition. When monkeys move in polite society William Shakespeare
will make a side-show of himself for a circus."
"They do now," said Thackeray, quietly.
Which merely proved that Shakespeare did not mean what he said; for in
spite of Thackeray's insinuation as to the monkeys and polite society, he
has not yet accepted the Barnum proposition, though there can be no doubt
of its value from the point of view of a circus manager.