The Vain Setter

OURS is one of the most ancient and noble families in the land, and I

contend that family pride is an exalted sentiment. I still hold to this

belief, in spite of all the sufferings that it has brought upon me.

My father, whose ancestor came over with the Conqueror, has taken prizes

at many a county show; and my mother, the handsomest of her sex, took

one prize, and would have taken more, but for the unfortunate accident

of having her tail cut off in a door.

I early determined to be worthy of my high breeding and undoubted

descent. A setter should have long, silky ears. I made my brother pull

mine gently for an hour at a time. In order to lengthen them, I combed

their fringes with my paws.

My father's brow is lofty and narrow. The unfortunate accident which

removed my mother from public life, suggested to me a way of cultivating

our most famous family characteristic. I used to place my head between

the doorpost and the door, while my brother leaned gently against the

latter, so as to press my skull to the requisite shape. My legs, I knew,

ought to be straight. I never indulged in any of those field-sports, to

which my brother early turned a light-hearted attention; for I knew

that undue exercise tends to curve the legs.

My tail was my special care. Regardless of comfort, I twisted myself

into the shape of a capital O, and, holding the end of my tail gently,

but firmly, in my teeth, I stretched myself and it.

So much pains devoted to such a noble object could not be thrown away. I

became the handsomest setter in the three counties.

My brother, in the meantime, grew expert in the coarse sporting

exercises to which he devoted his energies. He had no pride. He tramped

the mud of the fields; he tore his ears in bramble bushes; and I have

seen him so far lose all sense of our family's dignity as to grovel at

the feet of his master, and raise one of his paws, to indicate that

birds were near--common birds; I believe they are called partridges.

"You might as well," I said to him bitterly--"you might as well have

been born a pointer."

"Why not?" he said. "I know a pointer," he went on, laughing in his

merry, careless way--"I know a pointer who lives at the Pines Farm. A

capital fellow he is."

"My dear boy," I said, "just come and squeeze my head in the door a

little, will you? and let me tell you that for one of our family to

associate with a pointer is social ruin--common, coarse, smooth-coated

persons, related, I should suppose, to the vulgar plum-pudding dog."

My brother only laughed; but he was a good-natured fellow, and pinched

my head in the door until my forehead could stand the strain no longer.

I was sent to the Crystal Palace Dog Show; and, as I looked round on the

hundreds of dogs of all families and nationalities, I breathed a sigh

of contentment, and blessed the fate that had made me, in this England

of ours, a well-born English setter. My brother was not at the Show, of

course; but I think even he would have admired me if he could have seen

how far superior I was to all about me. Of course, I took the first

prize. My mission was fulfilled: my family pride was satisfied. The

judges unanimously pronounced me to be the most perfect and beautiful

sporting dog in the whole Show. My master, wild with delight, patted my

silky forehead, and then turned aside to talk with a stout gentleman in

gaiters.

I thought of what my life would be--one long, joyous round of shows,

applause, pats on the head from a grateful master, delicious food and

first prizes.

But my master's base nature--his ancestors came over with George and

the Hanoverians--struck all my hopes to the ground. I woke from my

dream of triumph to find myself sold to the stout man in gaiters.

I never saw my brother again. I was never able to tell my fond and

doting mother that I, like her, had taken a prize. I was never able to

chat with my father over a bone, comparing with him experiences of the

show bench. The stout, gaitered man took me away into a far country.

The next morning he took me out into the fields, and looked at me from

time to time, as if he expected me to do something. Unwilling to

disappoint him, I sat down and began my usual exercise for lengthening

my tail. He at once struck me violently. We went a little farther, and I

noticed that he looked more and more displeased; but I could not imagine

what it could be that so distressed him. Presently one of those common

partridge birds had the impertinence to fly out close to me. I caught it

at once, and looked round for applause. There only came another shower

of blows.

"What's the good of your taking prizes," he said, "if you're such an

idiot in the field?--might as well have a greyhound."

"I wish you had," I said under my breath.

I spent a week in torment, and then it occurred to me that this

low-born, gaitered person would have been better pleased with my

brother. So I tried to recall the tricks with which my brother had

particularly aggravated me; and, the next time I smelt a partridge, I

lay down, as I had seen my brother do, and lifted a foolish foot. I was

rewarded with a pat and encouragement.

I have now sunk entirely to my brother's level. My master pronounces me

to be a most excellent sporting dog. But I shall never forget the blows

and angry words that were necessary to make me renounce my ideal of what

a setter should be; and deep in my heart I still cherish, with

passionate devotion, my views on duty, and my honourable family pride.

Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & CO.

Edinburgh & London

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