Leaving his house, Chilcote walked forward quickly and aimlessly. With
the sting of the outer air the recollection of last night's adventure
came back upon him. Since the hour of his waking it had hung about with
vague persistence, but now in the clear light of day it seemed to stand
out with a fuller peculiarity.
The thing was preposterous, nevertheless it was genuine. He was wearing
the overcoat he had worn, the night before, and, acting on impulse, he
thrust his hand into the pocket and drew out the stranger's card.
“Mr. John Loder!” He read the name over as he walked along, and it
mechanically repeated itself in his brain--falling into measure with
his steps. Who was John Loder? What was he? The questions tantalized
him till his pace unconsciously increased. The thought that two men so
absurdly alike could inhabit the same, city and remain unknown to each
other faced him as a problem: it tangled with his personal worries
and aggravated them. There seemed to be almost a danger in such an
extraordinary likeness. He began to regret his impetuosity in thrusting
his card upon the man. Then, again, how he had let himself go on the
subject of Lexington! How narrowly he had escaped compromise! He turned
hot and cold at the recollection of what he had said and what he might
have said. Then for the first time he paused in his walk and looked
about him.
On leaving Grosvenor Square he had turned westward, moving rapidly till
the Marble Arch was reached; there, still oblivious to his surroundings,
he had crossed the roadway to the Edgware Road, passing along it to
the labyrinth of shabby streets that lie behind Paddington. Now, as he
glanced about him, he saw with some surprise how far he had come.
The damp remnants of the fog still hung about the house-tops in a filmy
veil; there were no glimpses of green to break the monotony of tone; all
was quiet, dingy, neglected. But to Chilcote the shabbiness was restful,
the subdued atmosphere a satisfaction. Among these sad houses, these
passers-by, each filled with his own concerns, he experienced a sense
of respite and relief. In the fashionable streets that bounded his own
horizon, if a man paused in his walk to work out an idea he instantly
drew a crowd of inquisitive or contemptuous eyes; here, if a man halted
for half an hour it was nobody's business but his own.
Enjoying this thought, he wandered on for close upon an hour, moving
from one street to another with steps that were listless or rapid, as
inclination prompted; then, still acting with vagrant aimlessness, he
stopped in his wanderings and entered a small eating-house.
The place was low-ceiled and dirty, the air hot and steaming with the
smell of food, but Chilcote passed through the door and moved to one
of the tables with no expression of disgust, and with far less furtive
watchfulness than he used in his own house. By a curious mental twist he
felt greater freedom, larger opportunities in drab surroundings such as
these than in the broad issues and weighty responsibilities of his own
life. Choosing a corner seat, he called for coffee; and there, protected
by shadow and wrapped in cigarette smoke, he set about imagining himself
some vagrant unit who had slipped his moorings and was blissfully
adrift.
The imagination was pleasant while it lasted, but with him nothing was
permanent. Of late the greater part of his sufferings had been comprised
in the irritable fickleness of all his aims--the distaste for and
impossibility of sustained effort in any direction. He had barely
lighted a second cigarette when the old restlessness fell upon him; he
stirred nervously in his seat, and the cigarette was scarcely burned out
when he rose, paid his small bill, and left the shop.
Outside on the pavement he halted, pulled out his watch, and saw
that two hours stretched in front before any appointment claimed his
attention. He wondered vaguely where he might go to--what he might do
in those two hours? In the last few minutes a distaste for solitude had
risen in his mind, giving the close street a loneliness that had escaped
him before.
As he stood wavering a cab passed slowly down the street. The sight of
a well-dressed man roused the cabman; flicking his whip, he passed
Chilcote close, feigning to pull up.
The cab suggested civilization. Chilcote's mind veered suddenly and he
raised his hand. The vehicle stopped and he climbed in.
“Where, sir?” The cabman peered down through the roof-door.
Chilcote raised his head. “Oh, anywhere near Pall Mall,” he said.
Then, as the horse started forward, he put up his hand and shook the
trap-door. “Wait!” he called. “I've changed my mind. Drive to Cadogan
Gardens--No. 33.”
The distance to Cadogan Gardens was covered quickly. Chilcote had
hardly realized that his destination was reached when the cab pulled up.
Jumping out, he paid the fare and walked quickly to the hall-door of No.
33.
“Is Lady Astrupp at home?” he asked, sharply, as the door swung back in
answer to his knock.
The servant drew back deferentially. “Her ladyship has almost finished
lunch, sir,” he said.
For answer Chilcote stepped through the door-way and walked half-way
across the hall.
“All right,” he said. “But don't disturb her on my account. I'll wait
in the white room till she has finished.” And, without taking further
notice of the servant, he began to mount the stairs.
In the room where he had chosen to wait a pleasant wood-fire brightened
the dull January afternoon and softened the thick, white curtains, the
gilt furniture, and the Venetian vases filled with white roses. Moving
straight forward, Chilcote paused by the grate and stretched his hands
to the blaze; then, with his usual instability, he turned and passed to
a couch that stood a yard or two away.
On the couch, tucked away between a novel and a crystal gazing-ball,
was a white Persian kitten, fast asleep. Chilcote picked up the ball and
held it between his eyes and the fire; then he laughed superciliously,
tossed it back into its place, and caught the kitten's tail. The little
animal stirred, stretched itself, and began to purr. At the same moment
the door of the room opened.
Chilcote turned round. “I particularly said you were not to be
disturbed,” he began. “Have I merited displeasure?” He spoke fast, with
the uneasy tone that so often underran his words.
Lady Astrupp took his hand with a confiding gesture and smiled.
“Never displeasure,” she said, lingeringly, and again she smiled. The
smile might have struck a close observer as faintly, artificial. But
what man in Chilcote's frame of mind has time to be observant where
women are concerned? The manner of the smile was very sweet and almost
caressing--and that sufficed.
“What have you been doing?” she asked, after a moment. “I thought I was
quite forgotten.” She moved across to the couch, picked up the kitten,
and kissed it. “Isn't this sweet?” she added.
She looked very graceful as she turned, holding the little animal up.
She was a woman of twenty-seven, but she looked a girl. The outline of
her face was pure, the pale gold of her hair almost ethereal, and her
tall, slight figure still suggested the suppleness, the possibility of
future development, that belongs to youth. She wore a lace-colored gown
that harmonized with the room and with the delicacy of her skin.
“Now sit down and rest--or walk about the room. I sha'n't mind which.”
She nestled into the couch and picked up the crystal ball.
“What is the toy for?” Chilcote looked at her from the mantel-piece,
against which he was resting. He had never defined the precise
attraction that Lillian Astrupp held for him. Her shallowness soothed
him; her inconsequent egotism helped him to forget himself. She never
asked him how he was, she never expected impossibilities. She let him
come and go and act as he pleased, never demanding reasons. Like the
kitten, she was charming and graceful and easily amused; it was possible
that, also like the kitten, she could scratch and be spiteful on
occasion, but that did not weigh with him. He sometimes expressed
a vague envy of the late Lord Astrupp; but, even had circumstances
permitted, it is doubtful whether he would have chosen to be his
successor. Lillian as a friend was delightful, but Lillian as a wife
would have been a different consideration.
“What is the toy for?” he asked again.
She looked up slowly. “How cruel of you, Jack! It is my very latest
hobby.”
It was part of her attraction that she was never without a craze. Each
new one was as fleeting as the last, but to each she brought the same
delightfully insincere enthusiasm, the same picturesque devotion. Each
was a pose, but she posed so sweetly that nobody lost patience.
“You mustn't laugh!” she protested, letting the kitten slip to the
ground. “I've had lessons at five guineas each from the most fascinating
person--a professional; and I'm becoming quite an adept. Of course
I haven't been much beyond the milky appearance yet, but the milky
appearance is everything, you know; the rest will come. I am trying to
persuade Blanche to let me have a pavilion at her party in March, and
gaze for all you dull political people.” Again she smiled.
Chilcote smiled as well. “How is it done?” he asked, momentarily amused.
“Oh, the doing is quite delicious. You sit at a table with the ball in
front of you; then you take the subject's hands, spread them out on the
table, and stroke them very softly while you gaze into the crystal; that
gets up the sympathy, you know.” She looked up innocently. “Shall I show
you?”
Chilcote moved a small table nearer to the couch and spread his hands
upon it, palms downward. “Like this, eh?” he said. Then a ridiculous
nervousness seized him and he moved away. “Some other day,” he said,
quickly. “You can show me some other day. I'm not very fit this
afternoon.”
If Lillian felt any disappointment, she showed none. “Poor old thing!”
she said, softly. “Try to sit here by me and we won't bother about
anything.” She made a place for him beside her, and as he dropped into
it she took his hand and patted it sympathetically.
The touch was soothing, and he bore it patiently enough. After a moment
she lifted the hand with a little exclamation of reproof.
“You degenerate person! You have ceased to manicure. What has become of
my excellent training?”
Chilcote laughed. “Run to seed,” he said, lightly. Then his expression
and tone changed. “When a man gets to my age,” he added, “little social
luxuries don't seem worth while; the social necessities are irksome
enough. Personally, I envy the beggar in the street--exempt from
shaving, exempt from washing--”
Lillian raised her delicate eyebrows. The sentiment was beyond her
perception.
“But manicuring,” she said, reproachfully, “when you have such nice
hands. It was your hands and your eyes, you know, that first appealed to
me.” She sighed gently, with a touch of sentimental remembrance. “And
I thought it so strong of you not to wear rings--it must be such a
temptation.” She looked down at her own fingers, glittering with jewels.
But the momentary pleasure of her touch was gone. Chilcote drew away his
hand and picked up the book that lay between them.
“Other Men's Shoes!” he read. “A novel, of course?”
She smiled. “Of course. Such a fantastic story. Two men changing
identities.”
Chilcote rose and walked back to the mantel-piece.
“Changing identities?” he said, with a touch of interest.
“Yes. One man is an artist, the other a millionaire; one wants to know
what fame is like, the other wants to know how it feels to be really
sinfully rich. So they exchange experiences for a month.” She laughed.
Chilcote laughed as well. “But how?” he asked.
“Oh, I told you the idea was absurd. Fancy two people so much alike
that neither their friends nor their servants see any difference! Such a
thing couldn't be, could it?”
Chilcote looked down at the fire. “No,” he said, doubtfully. “No. I
suppose not.”
“Of course not. There are likenesses, but not freak likenesses like
that.”
Chilcote's head was bent as she spoke, but at the last words he lifted
it.
“By Jove! I don't know about that!” he said. “Not so very long ago I saw
two men so much alike that I--I--” He stopped.
Lillian smiled.
He colored quickly. “You doubt me?” he asked.
“My dear Jack!” Her voice was delicately reproachful.
“Then you think that my--my imagination has been playing me tricks?”
“My dear boy! Nothing of the kind. Come back to your place and tell me
the whole tale?” She smiled again, and patted the couch invitingly.
But Chilcote's balance had been upset. For the first time he saw Lillian
as one of the watchful, suspecting crowd before which he was constantly
on guard. Acting on the sensation, he moved suddenly towards the door.
“I--I have an appointment at the House,” he said, quickly. “I'll look in
another day when--when I'm better company. I know I'm a bear to-day. My
nerves, you know.” He came back to the couch and took her hand; then he
touched her cheek for an instant with his fingers.
“Good-bye,” he said. “Take care of yourself--and the kitten,” he added,
with forced gayety, as he crossed the room.
That afternoon Chilcote's nervous condition reached its height. All day
he had avoided the climax, but no evasion can be eternal, and this he
realized as he sat in his place on the Opposition benches during the
half-hour of wintry twilight that precedes the turning-on of the lights.
He realized it in that half-hour, but the application of the knowledge
followed later, when the time came for him to question the government
on some point relating to a proposed additional dry-dock at Talkley, the
naval base. Then for the first time he knew that the sufferings of
the past months could have a visible as well as a hidden side--could
disorganize his daily routine as they had already demoralized his will
and character.
The thing came upon him with extraordinary lack of preparation. He sat
through the twilight with tolerable calm, his nervousness showing only
in the occasional lifting of his hand to his collar and the frequent
changing of his position; but when the lights were turned on, and he
leaned back in his seat with closed eyes, he became conscious of a
curious impression--a disturbing idea that through his closed lids he
could see the faces on the opposite side of the House, see the rows of
eyes, sleepy, interested, or vigilant. Never before had the
sensation presented itself, but, once set up, it ran through all his
susceptibilities. By an absurd freak of fancy those varying eyes seemed
to pierce through his lids, almost through his eyeballs. The cold
perspiration that was his daily horror broke out on his forehead; and at
the same moment Fraide, his leader, turned, leaned over the back of his
seat, and touched his knee.
Chilcote started and opened his eyes. “I--I believe I was dozing,” he
said, confusedly.
Fraide smiled his dry, kindly smile. “A fatal admission for a member of
the Opposition,” he said. “But I was looking for you earlier in the day,
Chilcote. There is something behind this Persian affair. I believe it to
be a mere first move on Russia's part. You big trading people will find
it worth watching.”
Chilcote shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, I don't know,” he said. “I
scarcely believe in it. Lakely put a match to the powder in the 'St.
George's', but 'twill only be a noise and a puff of smoke.”
But Fraide did not smile. “What is the feeling down at Wark?” he asked.
“Has it awakened any interest?”
“At Wark? Oh, I--I don't quite know. I have been a little out of touch
with Wark in the last few weeks. A man has so many private affairs to
look to--” He was uneasy under his chief's scrutiny.
Fraide's lips parted as if to make reply, but with a certain dignified
reticence he closed them again and turned away.
Chilcote leaned back in his place and furtively passed his hand over his
forehead. His mind was possessed by one consideration--the consideration
of himself. He glanced down the crowded, lighted House to the big
glass doors; he glanced about him at his colleagues, indifferent
or interested; then surreptitiously his fingers strayed to his
waistcoat-pocket.
Usually he carried his morphia tabloids with him, but to-day by a
lapse of memory he had left them at home. He knew this, nevertheless he
continued to search, while the need of the drug rushed through him with
a sense of physical sickness. He lost hold on the business of the House;
unconsciously he half rose from his seat.
The man next him looked up. “Hold your ground, Chilcote,” he said.
“Rayforth is drying up.”
With a wave of relief Chilcote dropped back into his place. Whatever the
confusion in his mind, it was evidently not obvious in his face.
Rayforth resumed his seat, there was the usual slight stir and pause,
then Salett, the member for Salchester, rose.
With Salett's first words Chilcote's hand again sought his pocket, and
again his eyes strayed towards the doors, but Fraide's erect head and
stiff back just in front of him held him quiet. With an effort he pulled
out his notes and smoothed them nervously; but though his gaze was fixed
on the pages, not a line of Blessington's clear writing reached his
mind. He glanced at the face of the Speaker, then at the faces on the
Treasury Bench, then once more he leaned back in his seat.
The man beside him saw the movement. “Funking the drydock?” he
whispered, jestingly.
“No”--Chilcote turned to him suddenly--“but I feel beastly--have felt
beastly for weeks.”
The other looked at him more closely. “Anything wrong?” he asked. It was
a novel experience to be confided in by Chilcote.
“Oh, it's the grind-the infernal grind.” As he said it, it seemed to
him suddenly that his strength gave way. He forgot his companion, his
position, everything except the urgent instinct that filled mind and
body. Scarcely knowing what he did, he rose and leaned forward to
whisper in Fraide's ear.
Fraide was seen to turn, his thin face interested and concerned, then
he was seen to nod once or twice in acquiescence, and a moment later
Chilcote stepped quietly out of his place.
One or two men spoke to him as he hurried from the House, but he shook
them off almost uncivilly, and, making for the nearest exit, hailed a
cab.
The drive to Grosvenor Square was a misery. Time after time he changed
from one corner of the cab to the other, his acute internal pains
prolonged by every delay and increased by every motion. At last, weak in
all his limbs, he stepped from the vehicle at his own door.
Entering the house, he instantly mounted the stairs and passed to his
own rooms. Opening the bedroom door, he peered in cautiously, then
pushed the door wide. The light had been switched on, but the room
was empty. With a nervous excitement scarcely to be kept in check, he
entered, shut and locked the door, then moved to the wardrobe, and,
opening it, drew the tube of tabloids from the shelf.
His hand shook violently as he carried the tube to the table. The strain
of the day, the anxiety of the past hours, with their final failure,
had found sudden expression. Mixing a larger dose than any he had before
allowed himself, he swallowed it hastily, and, walking across the room,
threw himself, fully dressed, upon the bed.