There be those whose memories though vexed with a rake would yield
no matter for gratitude. With a waistcoat fitted to the occasion, it
is easy enough to eat one’s allowance of turkey and hide away one’s
dishonest share of the wine; if this be returning thanks, why, then,
gratitude is considerably easier, and vastly more agreeable, than
“falling off a log,” and may be acquired in one easy lesson. But if
more than this be required—if to be grateful is more than merely to be
gluttonous, your true philosopher (he of the austere brow upon which
logic has stamped its eternal impress, and from whose heart sentiment
has been banished along with other vestigial vices) will think twice
and again before leveling his serviceable shins in humble observance of
the day.
For here is the nut of reason that he is compelled to crack for the
kernel of emotion appropriate to the rite. Unless the blessings that
we think we enjoy are favors of the Omnipotent, to be grateful is
to be absurd. If they are, then, also, the evils with which we are
indubitably afflicted have the same origin. Grant this, as you must,
and you make an offset of the ill against the good, or are driven
either to the untenable position that we should be grateful for both,
or the no more defensible one that all evils are blessings in disguise.
Truth is, my fine fellow of the distensible weskit, your annual
gratitude is a sorry pretense, a veritable sham, a cloak, dear man,
to cover your unhandsome gluttony; and when by chance you actually do
take to your knees on one day in the year it is for physical relief and
readier digestion of your bird. Nevertheless, there is truly a subtle
but significant relation between the stuffing of the flesh and the
gratitude of the spirit, as you shall see.
I have ever held and taught the identity of Stomach and Soul—one
entity considered under two aspects. Gratitude I believe to be a kind
of imponderable ether evolved, mainly, from the action of the gastric
fluid upon rich provend and comforting tope. Like other gases it
ascends, and so passes out at mouth, audible, intelligible, gracious.
This beautiful theory has been tested by convincing experiment in the
manner scientific, as here related.
_Experiment I._ A quantity of grass was put into a leathern bottle
and a gill of the gastric fluid of a sheep introduced. In ten minutes
the neck of the bottle emitted a contented bleat.
_Experiment II._ A pound of beef was substituted for the grass and
the fluid of a dog for that of the sheep. The result was a cheerful
bark, accompanied by agitation of the bottom of the bottle, as if an
attempt were making to wag it.
_Experiment III._ The bottle was charged with a handful of
chopped turkey, a glass of old port, and four ounces of human gastric
fluid obtained from a coroner. At first nothing escaped from the neck
but a deep sigh of satisfaction, followed by a grunt like that of a
banqueting pig. The proportion of turkey being increased and the gas
confined, the bottle was greatly distended, appearing to suffer a
slight uneasiness. The restriction being removed, the experimenter had
the happiness to hear, distinctly articulated, the words: “Praise God,
from whom all blessings flow—praise Him all bottles here below!”
Against such demonstration as this all theological interpretation of
the phenomena of gratitude is of no avail.
1869.