When you have arrived at this point in the latitude or longitude of the
matrimonial ocean, there appears a slight chronic, intermittent
affection, not unlike the toothache. Here, I see, you stop me to ask,
“How are we to find the longitude in this sea? When can a husband be
sure he has attained this nautical point? And can the danger be
avoided?”
You may arrive at this point, look you, as easily after ten months as
ten years of wedlock; it depends upon the speed of the vessel, its
style of rigging, upon the trade winds, the force of the currents, and
especially upon the composition of the crew. You have this advantage
over the mariner, that he has but one method of calculating his
position, while husbands have at least a thousand of reckoning theirs.
EXAMPLE: Caroline, your late darling, your late treasure, who is now
merely your humdrum wife, leans much too heavily upon your arm while
walking on the boulevard, or else says it is much more elegant not to
take your arm at all;
Or else she notices men, older or younger as the case may be, dressed
with more or less taste, whereas she formerly saw no one whatever,
though the sidewalk was black with hats and traveled by more boots than
slippers;
Or, when you come home, she says, “It’s no one but my husband:” instead
of saying “Ah! ’tis Adolphe!” as she used to say with a gesture, a
look, an accent which caused her admirers to think, “Well, here’s a
happy woman at last!” This last exclamation of a woman is suitable for
two eras,—first, while she is sincere; second, while she is
hypocritical, with her “Ah! ’tis Adolphe!” When she exclaims, “It’s
only my husband,” she no longer deigns to play a part.
Or, if you come home somewhat late—at eleven, or at midnight—you find
her—snoring! Odious symptom!
Or else she puts on her stockings in your presence. Among English
couples, this never happens but once in a lady’s married life; the next
day she leaves for the Continent with some captain or other, and no
longer thinks of putting on her stockings at all.
Or else—but let us stop here.
This is intended for the use of mariners and husbands who are
weatherwise.