Sages their solemn een may steek,
And raise a philosophic reek,
And, physically, causes seek,
In clime and season;
But tell me _Whisky's_ name in Greek,
I'll tell the reason.
BURNS.
On the morning after the business of the playhouse had happened, I had to
take my breakfast in my bed, a thing very uncommon to me, being generally
up by cock-craw, except on Sunday mornings whiles, when each one,
according to the bidding of the Fourth Commandment, has a license to do
as he likes; having a desperate sore head, and a squeamishness at the
stomach, occasioned, I jealouse in a great measure, from what Mr Glen and
me had discussed at Widow Grassie's, in the shape of warm toddy, over our
cracks concerning what is called the agricultural and manufacturing
interests. So our wife, poor body, put a thimbleful of brandy, Thomas
Mixem's real, into my first cup of tea, which had a wonderful virtue in
putting all things to rights; so that I was up and had shaped a pair of
lady's corsets, an article in which I sometimes dealt, before ten
o'clock, though, the morning being rather cold, I did not dispense with
my Kilmarnock.
At eleven in the forenoon, or thereabouts, maybe five minutes before or
after, but no matter, in comes my crony Maister Glen, rather dazed-like
about the een; and with a large piece of white sticking-plaister, about
half a nail wide, across one of his cheeks, and over the bridge of his
nose; giving him a wauf, outlandish, and rather blackguard sort of
appearance; so that I was a thought uneasy at what neighbours might
surmise concerning our intimacy; but the honest man accounted for the
thing in a very feasible manner, from the falling down on that side of
his head of one of the brass candlesticks, while he was lying on his
broadside before one of the furms in the stramash.
His purpose of calling was to tell me, that he could not leave the town
without looking in upon me to bid me farewell; more betoken, as he
intended sending in his son Mungo by the carrier for trial, to see how
the line of life pleased him, and how I thought he would answer--a thing
which I was glad came from his side of the house, being likely to be in
the upshot the best for both parties. Yet I thought he would find our
way of doing so canny and comfortable, that it was not very likely he
could ever start objections; and I must confess, that I looked forward
with no small degree of pride, seeing the probability of my soon having
the son of a Lammermoor farmer sitting crosslegged, cheek for jowl with
me on the board, and bound to serve me at all lawful times, by night and
day, by a regular indenture of five years. Maister Glen insisted on the
laddie having a three months' trial; and then, after a trifling show of
standing out, just to make him aware that I could be elsewhere fitted if
I had a mind, I agreed that the request was reasonable, and that I had no
earthly objections to conforming with it. So, after giving him his
meridian and a bite of shortbread, we shook hands, and parted in the
understanding that his son would arrive on the top of limping Jamie the
carrier's cart, in the course, say, of a fortnight.
Through the whole of the forepart of the day, I remained rather queerish,
as if something was working about my inwards, and a droll pain between my
eyes. The wife saw the case I was in, and advised me, for the sake of
the fresh air, to take a step into the bit garden, and try a hand at the
spade, the smell of the new earth being likely to operate as a cordial;
but no--it would not do; and when I came in at one o'clock to my dinner,
the steam of the fresh broth, instead of making me feel, as usual, as
hungry as a hawk, was like to turn my stomach, while the sight of the
sheep's head, one of the primest ones I had seen the whole season,
looked, by all the world, like the head of a boiled blackamoor, and made
me as sick as a dog; so I could do nothing but take a turn out again, and
swig away at the small beer, that never seemed able to slocken my drouth.
At long and last, I minded having heard Andrew Redbeak, the
excise-officer, say, that nothing ever put him right after a debosh
except something they call a bottle of soda-water; so my wife dispatched
Benjie to the place where we knew it could be found, and he returned in a
jiffie with a thing like a blacking-bottle below his daidly, as he was
bidden. There being a wire over the cork for some purpose or other, or
maybe just to look neat, we had some fight to get it torn away, but at
last we succeeded. I had turned about for a jug, and the wife was
rummaging for the screw, while Benjie was fiddling away with his fingers
at the cork--Save us! all at once it gave a thud like thunder, driving
the cork over poor Benjie's head, while it squirted there-up in his eyes
like a fire-engine, and I had only just time to throw down the jug, and
up with the bottle to my mouth. Luckily, for the sixpence it cost, there
was a drop left, which tasted, by all the world, just like brisk dish-
washings; but for all that, it had a wonderful power of setting me to
rights; and my noddle in a while began to clear up, like a March-day
after a heavy shower.
I mind very well too, on the afternoon of the dividual same day, that my
door-neighbour, Thomas Burlings, popped in; and, in our two-handed crack
over the counter, after asking me in a dry, curious way, if I had come by
no skaith in the business of the play, he said, the thing had now spread
far and wide, and was making a great noise in the world. I thought the
body a wee sharp in his observes; so I pretended to take it quite
lightly, proceeding in my shaping-out a pair of buckskin breeches, which
I was making for one of the Duke's huntsmen; so seeing he was off the
scent, he said in a more jocose way--
"Well, speaking about buckskins, I'll tell ye a good story about that."
"Let us hear't," said I; for I was in that sort of queerish way, that I
did not care much about being very busy.
"Ye'se get it as I heard it," quo' Thomas; "and it's no less worth
telling, that it bears a good moral application in its tail; after the
same fashion that a blister does good by sucking away the vicious humours
of the body, thereby making the very pain it gives precious." And
here--though maybe it was just my thought--the body stroked his chin, and
gave me a kind of half gley, as much as saying, "take that to ye,
neighbour." But I deserved it all, and could not take it ill off his
hand; being, like myself, one of the elders of our kirk, and an honest
enough, precise-speaking man.
"Ye see, ye ken," said Thomas, "that the Breadalbane Fencibles, a wheen
Highland birkies, were put into camp at Fisherrow links, maybe for the
benefit of their douking, on account of the fiddle {120}--or maybe in
case the French should land at the water-mouth--or maybe to give the
regiment the benefit of the sea air--or maybe to make their bare houghs
hardier, for it was the winter time, frost and snaw being as plenty as ye
like, and no sae scarce as pantaloons among the core--or for some ither
reason, guid, bad, or indifferent, which disna muckle matter; but ye see
the lang and the short o' the story is, that there they were encamped,
man and mother's son of them, going through their dreels by day, and
sleeping by night--the privates in their tents, and the offishers in
their marquees, living in the course of nature on their usual rations of
beef, and tammies, and so on. So, ye understand me, there was nae such
smart ordering of things in the army in those days, the men not having
the beef served out to them by a butcher, supplying each company or
companies by a written contract, drawn up between him and the paymaster
before 'sponsible witnesses; but ilka ane bringing what pleased him,
either tripe, trotters, steaks, cow's-cheek, pluck, hough, spar-rib,
jigget, or so forth."
"'Od!" said I, "Thomas, ye crack like a minister. Where did ye happen to
pick up all that knowledge?"
"Where should I have got it, but from an auld half-pay sergeant-major,
that lived in our spare room, and had been out in the American war,
having seen a power of service, and been twice wounded, once in the aff-
cuit, and the other time in the cuff of the neck."
"I thought as muckle," said I--"Weel, say on, man, it's unco
entertaining."
"Weel," continued he, "let me see where I was at when ye stoppit me; for
maybe I'll hae to begin at the beginning again. For gif ye yinterrupt
me, or edge in a word, or put me out by asking questions, I lose the
thread of my discourse, and canna proceed."
"Ou, let me see," said I, "ye was about the contract concerning the
beef."
"Preceesely," quo' Thomas, stretching out his fore-finger--"ye've said it
to a hair. At that time, as I was observing, the butcher didna supply a
company or companies, according to the terms of a contract, drawn up
before 'sponsible witnesses, between him and the paymaster; but the
soldiers got beef-money along with their pay; with which said money,
given them, ye observe, for said purpose, they were bound and obligated,
in terms of the statute, to buy, purchase, and provide the said beef,
twice a-week or oftener, as it might happen; an orderly offisher making
inspection of the camp-kettles regularly every forenoon, at one o'clock
or thereabouts.
"So, as ye'll pay attention to observe, there was a private in Captain
M'Tavish's company, the second to the left of the centre, of the name of
Duncan MacAlpine, a wee, hardy, blackaviced, in-knee'd creature,
remarkable for nothing that ever I heard tell of, except being reported
to have shotten a gauger in Badenough, or thereabouts; and for having a
desperate red nose, the effects, ye observe, of drinking spirituous
liquors; ye observe, I daur say, what I am saying--the effects of
drinking malt speerits.
"Weel, week after week passed over, and better passed over, and Duncan
played aff his tricks, like anither Herman Boaz, the slight-o'-hand
juggler, him that's suspeckit to be in league and paction with the de'il.
But ye'll hear."
"'Od, it's diverting, Thomas," said I to him; "gang on, man."
"Weel, ye see, as I was observing--Let me see, where was I at?--Ou ay,
having a paction with the de'il. So, when all were watching beside the
camp-kettles, some stirring them with spurtles, or parritch-sticks, or
forks, or whatever was necessary, the orderly offisher made a point and
practice of regularly coming by, about the chap of one past meridian, as
I observed to ye before, to make inspection of what ilka ane had wared
his pay on, and what he had got simmering in the het water for his
dinner.
"So, on the day concerning which I am about to speak, it fell out, as
usual, that he happened to be making his rounds, halting a moment, or twa
maybe, before ilka pot; the man that had the charge thereof, by the way
of stirring like, clapping down his lang fork, and bringing up the piece
of meat, or whatever he happened to be making kail of, to let the
inspector see whether it was lamb, pork, beef, mutton, or veal. For, ye
observe," continued Thomas, giving me, as I took it to myself, another
queer side-look, "the purpose of the offisher making the inspection, was
to see that they laid out their pay-money conform to military regulation;
and not to fyling their stamicks, and ruining baith sowl and body, by
throwing it away on whisky--as but ower mony, that aiblins should have
kenned better, have dune but too often."
"'Tis but ower true," said I till him; "but the best will fa' intil a
faut sometimes. We have a' our failings, Thomas."
"Just so," answered Thomas; "but where was I at?--Ou, about the whisky.
Weel, speaking about the whisky, ye see the offisher, Lovetenant Todrick
I b'lief they called him, had made an observe about Duncan's kettle; so,
when he came to him, Duncan was sitting in the lown side of a dyke, with
his red nose, and a pipe in his cheek, on a big stane, glowring frae him
anither way; and, as I was saying, when he came to him he said,
"'Weel, Duncan MacAlpine, what have ye in your kettle the day, man?'
"And Duncan, rinning down his lang fork, answered in his ain Highland
brogue way--'Please your honours, just my auld favourite, tripe.'
"''Deed, Duncan,' said Lovetenant Todrick, or whatever they caa'd him,
'it is an auld favourite surely, for I have never seen ye have onything
else for your dinner, man.'
"'Every man to his taste, please your honour,' answered Duncan MacAlpine;
'let ilka ane please her nain sell,'--hauling up a screed half a yard
lang. 'Ilka man to his taste, please your honour, Lovetenant Todrick.'"
"'Od, man," said I to him, "'Od, man, ye're a deacon at telling a story.
Ye're a queer hand. Weel, what came next?"
"What think ye should come next?" quo' Thomas drily.
"I'm sure I dinna ken," answered I.
"Weel," said he, "I'll tell--but where was I at?"
"Ou, at the observe of Lovetenant Todrick, or what they caa'd him, about
the tripe; and the answer of Duncan MacAlpine on that head, 'That ilka
man has his ain taste.'"
"'Vera true,' said Lovetenant Todrick, 'but lift it out a'thegither on
that dish, till I get my specs on; for never since I was born, did I ever
see before boiled tripe with buttons and button-holes intill't.'"
At this I set up a loud laughing, which I could not help, though it was
like to split my sides; but Thomas Burlings bade me whisht till I heard
him out.
"'Buttons and button-holes!' quo' Duncan MacAlpine. 'Look again, wi' yer
specs; for ye're surely wrang, Lovetenant Todrick.'
"'Buttons and button-holes! and 'deed I am surely right, Duncan,'
answered the Lovetenant Todrick, taking his specs deliberately off the
brig o' his nose, and faulding them thegither, as he put them first into
his shagreen case, and syne into his pocket--'Howsomever, Duncan
MacAlpine, I'll pass ye ower for this time, gif ye take my warning, and
for the future ware your pay-money on wholesome butcher's meat, like a
Christian, and no be trying to delude your ain stamick, and your
offisher's een, by holding up, on a fork, such a heathenish mak-up for a
dish, as the leg of a pair o' buckskin breeches!'"
"Buckskin breeches!" said I, "and did he really and actually boil siccan
trash to his dinner?"
"Nae sae far south as that yet, friend," answered Thomas. "Duncan was
not so bowed in the intellect as ye imagine, and had some spice of
cleverality about his queer manoeuvres.--Eat siccan trash to his dinner!
Nae mair, Mansie, than ye intend to eat that iron guse ye're rinning
along that piece claith; but he wanted to make his offishers believe that
his pay gaed the right way: like the Pharisees of old that keepit
praying, in ell-lang faces, about the corners of the streets, and gaed
hame wi' hearts full of wickedness and a' manner of cheatrie."
"And what way did his pay gang, then?" asked I; "and how did he live?"
"I telled ye before, frien," answered Thomas, "that he was a deboshed
creature; and, like ower mony in the world, likit weel what didna do him
ony good. It's a wearyfu' thing that whisky. I wish it could be
banished to Botany Bay.
"It is that," said I. "Muckle and nae little sin does it breed and
produce in this world."
"I'm glad," quoth Thomas, stroking down his chin in a slee way, "I'm glad
the guilty should see the folly o' their ain ways; it's the first step,
ye ken, till amendment;--and indeed I tell't Maister Wiggie, when he sent
me here, that I could almost become guid for your being mair wary of your
conduct for the future time to come."
This was like a thunder-clap to me, and I did not know for a jiffie what
to feel, think, or do, more than perceiving that it was a piece of
devilish cruelty on their parts, taking things on this strict. As for
myself, I could freely take sacred oath on the Book, that I had not had a
dram in my head for four months before; the knowledge of which made my
corruption rise like lightning, as a man is aye brave when he is
innocent; so, giving my pow a bit scart, I said briskly, "So ye're after
some session business in this visit, are ye?"
"Ye've just guessed it," answered Thomas Burlings, sleeking down his
front hair with his fingers in a sober way; "we had a meeting this
forenoon; and it was resolved ye should stand a public rebuke in the
meeting-house on Sunday next."
"Hang me, if I do!" answered I, thumping my nieve down with all my might
on the counter, and throwing back my cowl behind me into a corner. "No,
man!" added I, snapping with great pith my finger and thumb in Thomas's
eyes, "not for all the ministers and elders that ever were cleckit! They
may do their best; and ye may tell them so, if ye like. I was born a
free man; I live in a free country; I am the subject of a free king and
constitution; and I'll be shot before I submit to such rank, diabolical
papistry."
"Hooly and fairly," quoth Thomas, staring a wee astonished like, and not
a little surprised to see my birse up in this manner; for, when he
thought upon shearing a lamb, he found he had catched a tartar; so,
calming down as fast as ye like, he said, "Hooly and fairly, Mansie," (or
Maister Wauch, I believe, he did me the honour to call me,) "they'll
maybe no be sae hard as they threaten. But ye ken, my friend, I'm
speaking to ye as a brither; it was an unco-like business for an elder,
not only to gang till a play, which is ane of the deevil's rendevouses,
but to gang there in a state of liquor: making yoursell a world's
wonder--and you an elder of our kirk!! I put the question to yourself
soberly."
His threatening I could despise, and could have fought, cuffed, and
kicked with all the ministers and elders of the General Assembly, to say
nothing of the Relief Synod and the Burgher Union, before I would have
demeaned myself to yield to what my inward spirit plainly told me to be
rank cruelty and injustice; but ah! his calm, brotherly, flattering way I
could not thole with, and the tears came rapping into my eyes, faster
than it cared my manhood to let be seen; so I said till him, "Weel, weel,
Thomas, I ken I have done wrong; and I am sorry for't: they'll never find
me in siccan a scrape again."
Thomas Burlings then came forward in a friendly way, and shook hands with
me; telling that he would go back and plead before them in my behalf. He
said this over again, as we parted, at my shop-door; and, to do him
justice, surely he had not been worse than his word, for I have aye
attended the kirk as usual, standing, when it came to my rotation, at the
plate, and nobody, gentle or semple, ever spoke to me on the subject of
the playhouse, or minted the matter of the Rebuke from that day to this.