Then first he ate the white puddings,
And syne he ate the black, O;
Though muckle thought the Gudewife to hersell,
Yet ne'er a word she spak, O.
But up then started our Gudeman,
And an angry man was he, O.
_Old Song_.
It would be curious if I passed over a remarkable incident, which at this
time fell out. Being but new beginners in the world, the wife and I put
our heads constantly together to contrive for our forward advancement, as
it is the bounden duty of all to do. So our housie being rather large,
(two rooms and a kitchen, not speaking of a coal-cellar and a hen-house,)
and having as yet only the expectation of a family, we thought we could
not do better than get John Varnish the painter, to do off a small
ticket, with "A Furnished Room to Let" on it, which we nailed out at the
window; having collected into it the choicest of our furniture, that it
might fit a genteeler lodger and produce a better rent--And a lodger soon
we got.
Dog on it! I think I see him yet. He was a blackaviced Englishman, with
curled whiskers and a powdered pow, stout round the waistband, and fond
of good eating, let alone drinking, as we found to our cost. Well, he
was our first lodger. We sought a good price, that we might, on
bargaining, have the merit of coming down a tait; but no, no--go away wi'
ye; it was dog-cheap to him. The half-guinea a-week was judged perfectly
moderate; but if all his debts were--yet I must not cut before the cloth.
Hang expenses! was the order of the day. Ham and eggs for breakfast, let
alone our currant jelly. Roast-mutton cold, and strong ale at twelve, by
way of check, to keep away wind from the stomach. Smoking roast-beef,
with scraped horse raddish, at four precisely; and toasted cheese, punch,
and porter, for supper. It would have been less, had all the things been
within ourselves. Nothing had we but the cauler new-laid eggs; then
there was Deacon Heukbane's butcher's account; and John Cony's spirit
account; and Thomas Burlings' bap account; and deevil kens how many more
accounts, that came all in upon us afterwards. But the crowning of all
was reserved for the end. It was no farce at the time, and kept our
heads down at the water edge for many a day. I was just driving the hot
goose along the seams of a Sunday jacket I was finishing for Thomas Clod
the ploughman, when the Englisher came in at the shop door, whistling
"Robert Adair," and "Scots wha ha'e wi' Wallace bled," and whiles, maybe,
churming to himself like a young blackbird;--but I have not patience to
go through with it. The long and the short of the matter, however, was,
that, after rummaging among my two or three webs of broadcloth on the
shelf, he pitched on a Manchester blue, five quarters wide, marked
CXD.XF, which is to say, three-and-twenty shillings the yard. I told him
it was impossible to make a pair of pantaloons to him in two hours; but
he insisted upon having them, alive or dead, as he had to go down the
same afternoon to dine with my Lord Duke, no less. I convinced him, that
if I was to sit up all night, he could get them by five next morning, if
that would do, as I would also keep my laddie, Tammy Bodkin, out of his
bed; but no--I thought he would have jumped out of his seven senses.
"Just look," he said, turning up the inside seam of the leg--"just
see--can any gentleman make a visit in such things as these? they are as
full of holes as a coal-sieve. I wonder the devil why my baggage has not
come forward. Can I get a horse and boy to ride express to Edinburgh for
a ready-made article?"
A thought struck me; for I had heard of wonderful advancement in the
world, for those who had been so lucky as help the great at a pinch. "If
ye'll no take it amiss, sir," said I, making my obedience, "a notion has
just struck me."
"Well, what is it?" said he briskly.
"Well, sir, I have a pair of knee-breeches, of most famous velveteen,
double tweel, which have been only once on my legs, and that no farther
gone than last Sabbath. I'm pretty sure they would fit ye in the
meantime; and I would just take a pleasure in driving the needle all
night, to get your own ready."
"A clever thought," said the Englisher. "Do you think they would fit
me?--Devilish clever thought, indeed."
"To a hair," I answered; and cried to Nanse to bring the velveteens.
I do not think he was ten minutes, when lo, and behold! out at the door
he went, and away past the shop-window like a lamplighter. The buttons
on the velveteens were glittering like gold at the knees. Alas! it was
like the flash of the setting sun; I never beheld them more. He was to
have been back in two or three hours, but the laddie, with the box on his
shoulder, was going through the street crying "Hot penny-pies" for
supper, and neither word nor wittens of him. I began to be a thought
uneasy, and fidgeted on the board like a hen on a hot girdle. No man
should do any thing when he is vexed, but I could not help giving Tammy
Bodkin, who was sewing away at the lining of the new pantaloons, a
terrible whisk in the lug for singing to himself. I say I was vexed for
it afterwards; especially as the laddie did not mean to give offence; and
as I saw the blae marks of my four fingers along his chaft-blade.
The wife had been bothering me for a new gown, on strength of the payment
of our grand bill; and in came she, at this blessed moment of time, with
about twenty swatches from Simeon Calicoe's prinned on a screed of paper.
"Which of these do you think bonniest?" said Nanse, in a flattering way;
"I ken, Mansie, you have a good taste."
"Cut not before the cloth," answered I, "gudewife," with a wise shake of
my head. "It'll be time enough, I daresay, to make your choice
to-morrow."
Nanse went out as if her nose had been blooding. I could thole it no
longer; so, buttoning my breeches-knees, I threw my cowl into a corner,
clapped my hat on my head, and away down in full birr to the Duke's gate.
I speired at the porter, if the gentleman with the velveteen breeches and
powdered hair, that was dining with the Duke, had come up the avenue yet?
"Velveteen breeches and powdered hair!" said auld Paul laughing, and
taking the pipe out of his cheek, "whose butler is't that ye're after?"
"Well," said I to him, "I see it all as plain as a pikestaff. He is off
bodily; but may the meat and the drink he has taken off us be like drogs
to his inside; and may the velveteens play crack, and cast the steeks at
every step he takes!" It was no Christian wish; and Paul laughed till he
was like to burst, at my expense. "Gang your ways hame, Mansie," said he
to me, clapping me on the shoulder as if I had been a wean, "and give
over setting traps, for ye see you have catched a Tartar."
This was too much; first to be cheated by a swindling loon, and then made
game of by a flunkie; and, in my desperation, I determined to do some
awful thing.
Nanse followed me in from the door, and asked what news?--I was ower big,
and ower vexed to hear her; so, never letting on, I went to the little
looking-glass on the drawers' head, and set it down on the table. Then I
looked myself in it for a moment, and made a gruesome face. Syne I
pulled out the little drawer, and got the sharping strap, the which I
fastened to my button. Syne I took my razor from the box, and gave it
five or six turns along first one side and then the other, with great
precision. Syne I tried the edge of it along the flat of my hand. Syne
I loosed my neckcloth, and laid it over the back of the chair; and syne I
took out the button of my shirt-neck, and folded it back. Nanse, who
was, all the time, standing behind, looking what I was after, asked me,
"if I was going to shave without hot water?" when I said to her in a
fierce and brave manner, (which was very cruel, considering the way she
was in,) "I'll let you see that presently." The razor looked desperate
sharp; and I never liked the sight of blood; but oh, I was in a terrible
flurry and fermentation. A kind of cold trembling went through me; and I
thought it best to tell Nanse what I was going to do, that she might be
something prepared for it. "Fare ye well, my dear!" said I to her, "you
will be a widow in five minutes--for here goes!" I did not think she
could have mustered so much courage, but she sprang at me like a tiger;
and, throwing the razor into the ass-hole, took me round the neck, and
cried like a bairn. First she was seized with a fit of the hystericks,
and then with her pains. It was a serious time for us both, and no joke;
for my heart smote me for my sin and cruelty. But I did my best to make
up for it. I ran up and down like mad for the Howdie, and at last
brought her trotting along with me by the lug. I could not stand it. I
shut myself up in the shop with Tammy Bodkin, like Daniel in the lions'
den; and every now and then opened the door to speir what news. Oh, but
my heart was like to break with anxiety! I paced up and down, and to and
fro, with my Kilmarnock on my head and my hands in my breeches pockets,
like a man out of Bedlam. I thought it would never be over; but, at the
second hour of the morning, I heard a wee squeel, and knew that I was a
father; and so proud was I, that notwithstanding our loss, Lucky
Bringthereout and me whanged away at the cheese and bread, and drank so
briskly at the whisky and foot-yill, that, when she tried to rise and go
away, she could not stir a foot. So Tammy and I had to oxter her out
between us, and deliver the howdie herself--safe in at her own door.