the language overly concise. Hebrew is the city man’s tongue, best
suited to argument. I prefer my Aramaic. It is more gracious and
agreeable for public speaking.
Haran believed in learning three languages: he was the most
intelligent rabbi I have met. To him I owe my background; his years
of tutoring gave me freedom to think. Morning after morning we sat
facing each other at his home.
“We have to think, not memorize...you memorize and then force
memories to evolve into patterns of original thought. Yes, memory and
thought are brothers. But, make no mistake, thousands repeat the law
and the scriptures and only a handful think.”
I see his sparsely bearded, wan face. He was a man who ate sparingly
yet lived to be eighty. A great walker, he was as restless in body as
in mind.
Haran was proud of two ancient scrolls—one of them on copper. The
library at Qumran had greater rarities of course.
Haran said:
“Something lives in you...your mother has called my attention to it,
an inner voice. When I heard you declaim in the synagogue I perceived
it.”
So, it is my privilege to help, merge dream and fulfillment: I
believe it is a privilege no other man has had: I am the husbandman.
Come unto me ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will
give you rest...suffer the little children to come...
Tonight I see the world shining in their eyes; I hear hope in their
prattle.
Tent
Shevat 12
Years ago I experienced the greatness of the Sinai desert, its crags
and dunes, the heat and cold. I came to understand its desolation,
its loneliness, its calm and fury. Now, during these troubled times,
I long to return to the Sinai...have a lizard sit beside me, my
straw-covered basket filled with golden dates.
In the Sinai I perfected my Greek to a greater extent and studied the
classical Hebrew until it came easily. The history of man became an
important part of my meditations. Silence and the simoom became part
of those devotions.
A tiny plant sprouted outside my tent and withstood the heat, cold
and winds. It was my companion and incentive, a little calendar in
leaves.
I found the same plant growing at Qumran, behind the monastery. While
I studied there it survived several sand storms.
Locusts, dates, bread, honey—the wilderness taught me the true taste
of food. During the months since the wilderness I have eaten well,
too well, but the taste is lacking.
I have not thought as clearly as I thought when unencumbered by men.
There, each morning was mine, each evening was mine. Worship was as
natural as breathing.
My tent flaps billowed. They were pinned back every night by the
stars. Heat and thirst were often there yet a sense of praise was
foremost. Wonderment was on top of a dune. As I slept a mirage might
come and bathe me in its cool water.
I slept on my boyhood blanket, one woven by my mother. She wove it
when I was ten.
Nazareth
Shevat 15
I am leaving Nazareth—leaving home.
It is farewell to friends and places, all I have loved. Only in
memory will I walk along the orchard creek and hunt for crayfish,
think and stare as a boy thinks and stares. I had several pals... We
had niches in cliffs where we often hid. We had an old fig we liked
to climb; there was a cave where we lit fires. We found menhirs and
dolmen—strange, strange things! In Galilee we had a stout little boat
and we’d drift, drop anchor, fish for chromis and watch the pelicans.
There’s a feeling to my Nazareth: the stars are brighter there, the
sun seems a little bigger, the wind a little cooler. How good it was
to turn a corner and think: Mama’s home...supper is almost
ready...Papa’s working in his shop.
Nazareth
Shevat 20
Today was cool and windy.
I visited Simeon. I visited Mark. I visited Jude. I called on the
captain, who has been transferred to Nazareth. His son sat in my lap
a while. I did not say good-bye although I lingered at each place. I
wanted to feel the peace of each place and keep it with me. I did not
need to talk much. Being with friends was all I asked.
Oh, how the wind blew me along, flapping my cloak, flapping the olive
branches, the weeds and the papyrus.
How hard it is to write.
Nazareth
Before I left home Father displayed the gifts of the Magi on his work
bench, first removing his tools and shavings. He locked the door and
lit two candles. Mother—so excited—seemed to be seeing the star as
she handled the gifts.
“They haven’t changed... Joseph, you’ve taken good care of them! Oh,
they’re so beautiful!”
And she knelt in the sawdust, the gold cup in her hands, its jewels
redder than I had remembered. I had forgotten the gifts were so
beautiful.
“Where have you kept them...in the synagogue? The geniza?” I asked.
Father nodded, frowning.
“We have decided to present them to the elders...tomorrow...at the
meeting. They’ll become the temple possessions. It’s different with
you going away... Mother and I have decided...”
But I wasn’t listening; I was absorbed in Mother’s appreciation as
she handled the gifts, kneeling or half-kneeling, smiling; her
shoulders lost some of their age. The myrrh box interested me, its
aroma still evident, its chased lid yet untarnished. Mother lifted
the clasp. The clasp was set with green stones. She called my
attention to the ornamented hinges. She held out the gold cup to my
father...
“I wish you hadn’t worried about the gifts,” she said with a sigh.
“We ought to have enjoyed them...now we can see them at the temple...
Look, Jesus, at this handle...ah, those were strange days in
Bethlehem... God was with us...”
I loved her for her dreams and sacrifices.
I loved the hints of youth and beauty in her face.
Nazareth
Shevat 25
Tomorrow is my last day here.
As I lay on my pallet I heard rain lash our roof; I heard the wind in
the trees. Then my mind dropped back and I remembered Mother singing,
crooning to me, as I lay sick as a boy. I remembered songs in the
evening. I heard her laughter as we played jacks. I smelled her
barley bread... I smelled roasting lamb... Father was in his
workshop, his plane sliding; he was singing. As a child I loved his
singing.
Now, silent, worried, he works in a preoccupied state, bothered by
frequent visitors, concerned about my future. “It is wrong of you to
go to Jerusalem, wrong to throw yourself into the hands of your
enemies.”
There will be no more Festivals of Light.
At Nazareth I used to have a pet goat.
Memories... I can not tolerate juvenile memories any longer. I am not
an old man. Memories must not impede my ministry.
There must be beauty. Life must have beauty.
Jerusalem
Shevat 29
Thy rod and Thy staff will comfort me...yeah, though I
walk through the valley of death yet will I be with Thee.
As I walked into Jerusalem I heard those words. It was dusk. An
immense caravan choked the air, camels, drivers, gapers. Again I
thought of Herod and the innocents: city life brings Herod to mind.
The Kittim are evident on the main streets: helmets, standards,
shields.
A camel sank to the ground beside me, eying me, begging for kindness.
Trumpets blared.
Crowds circled the temple, some chanting, some bearing fruit, some
waving palm fronds. Flares burned. On two giant candelabra, perhaps
eighty feet high, torches smoked, guttered.
Shall I be able to help the people of Jerusalem? Shall I remain? My
loneliness here was so unlike the loneliness of the desert.
I was to meet Judas who was to take me to friends. When he did not
come I bedded down in a booth of branches, with cattle nearby.
I slept and woke to their animal sounds, without dread. Someone
roused the oxen, then the sheep; the beasts wanted to be fed and
watered. Nobody disturbed me. Probably I was considered a herdsman. I
dreamed until a child brought me a cup of water: holding it out
prettily she asked: “Are you thirsty?”
“Yes,” I said.
“My papa is taking care of the oxen.”
Opening my pouch I offered sugared dates to the girl.
I found Judas at the home of a mutual friend. I had never seen him so
well dressed. He drew me aside and gave me money from our treasury.
He seemed forlorn. I am told he is having a love affair with the
daughter of Pilate. Marcus, the son of a senator, has described
Pilate’s daughter as a beautiful, talented, ruthless woman. Marcus
and I sat on a garden bench and he enthused about Jerusalem: “So
unlike Rome, so much more oriental—can it be we are free of our
penates here?”
That evening I stayed in the house of Leonidas Clibus. My windows
were olive tree windows. Garden paths circled a tiny fountain where
someone had tossed fresh oleander blossoms, red blossoms.
A copy of Horace lay on a circular table by my bed; lamps and rugs,
hangings and x-shaped Roman chairs, cushions and inlaid boxes
brightened the room. Propped on a cushion I read Horace for hours;
when my candles dimmed a slave brought me fresh candles and volumes
by Lucretius—recent translations.
...What’s this wanton lust for life
To make us tremble in dangers and in doubt?
All men must die and no man can escape.
We turn and turn in the same atmosphere...
I went to sleep preferring the thoughts of Horace: his love of
nature, his fondness for rustic surroundings, his boating on the
river Aufidus, his fishing. He liked to play ball. I could visualize
him, as a boy, when wood pigeons covered him with leaves as he slept
on a hillside.
Clibus’ Home
Adar 6
T
here are children here. What priceless looks they give. I love their
delight in simple things, their warmth, their trust, so obvious, so
quick. Truly, theirs is a special kingdom. I am happiest when they
are around me, as they were yesterday in Clibus’ garden. It was a
birthday party for his daughter who is six. I told stories as they
sat around me. What laughter, giggles. A little boy brought me a toad
and put it in my hand, saying:
“It’s for you, Atta.”
Clibus
Of course I miss the great library at Qumran. The beautiful library
in his home is a fraction of that monastic collection but bearded
Clibus has invited me—with widespread arms.
A delicate bronze of Minerva stands on a plinth at the window end of
the narrow room.
A book on my lap, I watched a golden Persian cat steal about, stiffly
independent.
Though I can not read Latin I can understand titles and the names of
authors and I appreciate handsome volumes, ancient volumes, family
treasures.
Minerva—I used to think of visiting Rome and Athens.
Adar 15
I spoke to a group near the city gate. I was aware that officials
were present, Sadducees.
I saw men dragging a woman, kicking her, letting her fall. She had
been caught in adultery. When she was brought to me I suspected a
trick. Why should I pass judgment when officials were in the crowd?
Authorities wanted me to break the law by passing judgment.
I was shocked by the woman’s fear, her beseeching face. As she stood
by me a soldier hit her with a chain. Men yelled: “Stone her, stone
her!” When a man shoved her to her knees she hid her face in her
arms—pretty, a country girl, I thought.
To give myself time to think I wrote on the ground with a stick. I
wrote and obliterated words, watching the crowd and the woman. I
smelled death. It was in the smoke of sacrifices burning in the city.
It was in the crowd around me. I had never smelled the death of a
person.
Taking in the street ruffians and the officials I said, in a loud
voice:
“Look at her, at her torn clothes. Do any of you know her? Think. Go
deep inside. Think. Let the man who has not sinned throw the first
stone. You accuse her...where is the man? Go home, all of you. Have
you no pity? Remember the commandment: Thou shalt not kill. We are
not animals! Let her go... I repeat, let her go. Go home—all of you!”
I helped the woman to stand. Someone had thrown ashes on her face and
I bought water at a shop and washed her face and hands and bought oil
for her cuts and bruises. Matthew found us and brought her food.
“Where can I hide?” she asked us. “What is to become of me? They will
catch me...beat me... Master, master...what shall I do?” Her words
mixed with sobs.
Matthew and I helped her out of town, beyond the gates. We sent her
to the home of Talus where Luke cares for the sick.
I returned to Clibus’ library but I was too disturbed to read. While
I sat there, the Sayings of Moses spread before me, Affti, Clibus’
Egyptian wife, brought a pillow and sat by me. She is as beautiful as
Miriam; to have her there was a comfort but her words were not
comforting:
“It isn’t safe for you to preach in Jerusalem... Your faith is for
the little towns and villages where the Romans have less influence or
none at all...
“When James was here a month or so ago he mentioned going to Rome. Do
you wish him to preach your gospel there?”
She went on to urge me to send apostles to Egypt.
“There are more than seventy of you now... I hope you can send two or
more to my country...to preach in the villages...you are needed
there.”
That evening, after dinner, she rapped on my door: she is very tall,
very elegant; dressed in an Egyptian gown, she made a little bow, and
presented me with a bronze stylus.
“It will be better than your wooden one,” she said.
While enjoying my stylus someone brought me a dish of lemon paste.
Sadly, more than twenty years have passed since our Nazareth
synagogue acquired a scroll. Our scrolls are in tatters and all are
asked to refrain from using them. Learning this, Clibus has offered
several scrolls.
“I’ll send two of my men...one to carry the scrolls, the other to see
that the first man doesn’t wander off.”
Perhaps little Nazareth may have a worthwhile collection someday.
Jerusalem
Adar 20
My enemies come closer.
Verily, I say unto you, the man who climbs the sheepfold
wall is a thief. He who enters by the gate is the
shepherd. To him the porter opens and the sheep hear his
voice and he calls his sheep by name and leads them...
My parable is realistic but people do not listen. They push one
another, talk.
When I encountered a blind man, a man who had never seen during his
lifetime, I sent him to the Siloam pool. He bathed there and at my
touch his sight became normal. He stumbled, fell, rushed about,
shouted. Trembling he raced for home. He brought friends and there
was great rejoicing. Then, stunning everyone, authorities questioned
me rudely. Because he defended me and called me his healer he was put
in jail.
I had to go before the local magistrate, affirm his honesty; then he
was freed. I said to the magistrate:
“I came into this world to help men see...”
Last week I cured lepers on the Jericho road, men and women, all in
rags. All were afraid of me, afraid of themselves. I thought I could
change their minds but their minds were in tatters like their
clothes. One man thanked me, a young man from Tyre; the others,
quarrelling, pushing one another, tearing at their rags, left the
road to crawl into a cave.
I asked the man from Tyre what he knew about the others but he could
not concentrate on what I said: he was so moved, so pleased, so
enraptured over his health he stood in front of me, smiling,
laughing. He kept holding up his arms and hands—showing me. I asked
him about people I knew in Tyre. He shook his head, laughed, kissed
my hands, rushed off. A caravan was passing, camels, drivers,
onlookers; he disappeared among the camels, the dust.
Jerusalem
Adar 25
Today I received a message: the mebakker at Qumran has invited me to
return to the monastery for a second residency. He wants me to
instruct others in the Messianic Rule.
I am no longer in accord with Qumran’s rigid communal life: such
sharing would be difficult for me; certainly none of my disciples
would understand.
But I think of the Qumran desert; I think of the cliffs and caves
near the monastery. Morning and evening shadows! What great fogs used
to engulf us!
Urusalim
Adar 28
I spoke outside the temple and, as I spoke, men and boys picked up
stones to throw at me.
Sadducees want me excluded from the temple; others want me excommuni-
cated. They stamp me an untouchable. Such intrigue! How am I to help
mankind? My disciples urge me to leave Jerusalem. The world is
beautiful, they remind me: Go to Cana, go to Bethlehem, to Galilee,
to Jericho. Date groves. Olive groves. Roses. As if I needed a
reminder.
This afternoon I walked about Solomon’s city to an impressive ruin, a
series of roofless rooms, fallen columns, weeds growing through
marble floors, lizards on walls. Birds dotted the sky. I tried to
imagine the regal furnishings of Ptolemy’s time. Underfoot were
hieroglyphic slabs, a cartouche among them. I climbed old stone
walls, were they Nehemiah’s walls when he fortified the city? I found
a broken scarab and remembered Egyptian words my mother taught me as
a boy. In the street below the vast ruins a Roman soldier talked with
another Roman soldier. Herod’s workmen were capping stone pillars.
Tall men in dark red robes, red turbans on their heads, prodded
camels, heavily laden animals. Were they Syrians?
Somewhere along the way I met a blind man led by a boy. The sun sent
sweat down the boy’s face. Tired, they sat by a spring where women
and girls were filling jars. People recognized me and soon a crowd
formed, as I rested. The blind man, wearing a sash woven with gold,
white-bearded, tall, erect and proud, asked about me. The boy
whispered desperately to him.
“It’s Bartimaeus and his son, from Jericho,” a woman said.
“Son of David, have mercy on me,” Bartimaeus pled, speaking softly.
Then he cried:
“Lord, have mercy, that I may receive my sight. Are you Jesus of
Nazareth? Will you help me? Will you touch my eyes? I must see
again.”
I sat close to him and talked to him, the aura of his faith evident.
As we talked I realized he could see: his expressions were so
startling. He embraced his son. Erect, silent, he stared about him.
Everyone was silent. Fumbling a little, he walked away; then, he
returned and knelt by me and kissed my hands.
“Master...let me follow you... I believe...let me be one of your
chosen...let me tell others what you have done for me. I know about
your ministry.” He kissed my robe. “When I heard you speak yesterday
I tried to reach you.”
He urged me to stay at his home; perhaps he had heard me say that fox
have holes and birds have nests but the man of God has no home. I
warned Bartimaeus not to look back if he put his hand to the plough.
Lately I have not seen much of Judas. He refuses to visit me at
Clibus’ home. I hear that Judas has quarrelled with the daughter of
Pilate. Faithful to our group, he collects and disperses funds. Our
group is increasing in number—committed to everyone. Some of us
provide food, clothing and shelter.
A nomad group is famine stricken. The babies need sugar and salt and
we have provided packets by way of a caravan.
Clibus’
Through Clibus I have written a letter home. Mother will find someone
to read it aloud. I don’t want Mother and Father to come here. They
dislike the city. Father has been unable to work and needs to husband
his strength. He must avoid danger.
Getting up at dawn I have been able to memorize lines from Horace,
lines that help. The tiny garden helps. The children help. But when
John’s cousin, Elihu, came, distortion returned as we talked of
John’s imprisonment, torture, death. Elihu is a frail soul, so unlike
John. He is so in need of encouragement. He tells me that a storm
flooded homes in Nazareth. They did the best they could with shovels
and baskets.
Jerusalem
Nisan 8
I
look forward to resurrection. The promise of resurrection sustains me
although I am, at times, confused, confused because resurrection
means a blurring of the future, perhaps a cessation of the future. I
can not plan a sabbath. I can not say “We shall meet together at
Samaria.” Since the beyond is truly incomprehensible today is
distorted as well.
I must warn myself of the onslaught of pain that will crush me during
the crucifixion. How to bear it? Gird my loins, perhaps. It will not
be easy to die for my fellowmen. Will my ascension help others rise
from their tragic lives?
Dread eats away at me.
Hate undermines me.
Broken covenants...Golgotha, place of skulls...rocky Judea... Caesar
Augustus, your crimes are everywhere...imperator...killer!
I need to be baptized with love.
With wisdom.
Yesterday, in this city of rocks, I noticed straw in a stable, yellow
straw, fresh, clean, glistening in the sun. I took a few. Straw is
simplicity. Simplicity points to a balanced way.
Bethany
Nisan 12
Yesterday I walked to Bethany. Martha and Mary said that Lazarus had
died. Among graves and stunted trees, in a stinging wind, I became
keenly aware of the days I spent at their home, with the three of
them. How often Lazarus and I had done carpentering under his
thatched shed.
Here, with his sisters, friends and relatives, here at the tombs, I
knew death was not the answer. I walked to the crypt where Lazarus
lay. Loose rocks tumbled underfoot. Wind whipped. A boulder blocked
the crypt and I asked Martha to have her friends help me drag it
aside. Men consulted and argued that it was useless; they glared at
me savagely as they pushed and dragged the stone.
At the opening I bent over and cried:
“Lazarus...come... I am the resurrection and the life...come...this
is Jesus!”
I needed him. His family needed him. Mary and Martha. Death did not
need him, surely.
Men jeered and howled. But I knelt and shouted as the wind spat on
all of us.
Ah, sorrowing women, yellow rocks, death, a man in his crypt, cold
stone, a hawk screaming...
I called again and again.
“Lazarus, this is Jesus. Arise! Come with us! Remember us, remember I
am the resurrection and the life. Come unto me...believe...God is
here...”
It was late afternoon: the sun was behind the yellow cliff.
Martha clutched my arm and said:
“Lord, let us leave. Lazarus has been dead four days. He stinks.”
A funeral procession passed by—men and women—the men carrying a
child’s coffin.
“God, our Father, help us. Give this man life again!” I beseeched
with passion. I knew, as I prayed, that Lazarus would respond.
Swaying, wrapped in burial clothes, Lazarus appeared, a scarf across
his face. He could not see or move his hands. I went to him and
Martha uncovered his eyes. Mary ran to help. We unwrapped his legs
and arms.
“Jesus has given you life,” Martha said. “You are going home with
us...you are one of us again.”
Stumbling over rocks, Mary guiding him, Lazarus found a place to sit
down. We unbound him and someone gave him a robe. Someone offered him
a piece of bread. He shook his head, stared at us, turned from one to
the other, his face birdlike, hawklike, white. He peered at his
crypt. Martha hugged him, laughing. People gathered. Some knelt
around us.
“Mary, what happened?” Lazarus began, speaking his first words.
“Why am I here in this place? Why am I wearing a robe? And these
people... and Jesus! Was I sick? Where are my clothes?”
I longed to leave this place of death: it was closing in on me. The
wind blew harder and a hawk leaped upward.
With Martha I walked away, listening to her happiness, her praise.
“We must have supper. What shall we eat? Will he be hungry, able to
eat? Jesus, you have saved him. I love you. It’s wonderful! He’s
back...think of it, after four days. Then, then there is no death for
us who believe...”
At supper Lazarus was unable to talk; he drank a little and soon had
bread wet with olive oil. No one had much to say. Lazarus sat next to
me. Bending over his plate he gave me a few boyish grins—like old
times. He had gotten into his work clothes. Putting his hand into a
pocket he pulled out a small chisel and laid it on the table. But he
said nothing. I urged him to eat Martha’s fish or lamb, delicately
prepared. Every face at the table expressed a wonderment and rapture.
The candles burned down. The women ate. Suddenly there was chatter
and then laughter—rejoicing.
It was difficult to return to Jerusalem, leave my friends. I lingered
a day for the fields of barley, the paths that were peaceful paths. I
had to have time to be with Lazarus, be with Mary and Martha, write
my journal. Alongside the carpentry bench I have a table. I prefer
writing outdoors. There is a vine on the thatched shed and it is in
flower. As I write Lazarus is sleeping on the ground, in the sun.
Caretakers at the graveyard claim that one of the crypts has been
robbed.
Jerusalem
I keep hearing the words of an old hymn as I go about; it was John’s
favorite, one we learned while at Qumran. Was it solace while he was
imprisoned? I hope it was. It is a comfort to me—so gracious.
I give thanks unto Thee, O Lord,
For Thou has wrought a wonder with dust.