A LOVE FEAST
But when a lady chaste and fair,
Noble, and clad in rich attire,
Walks through the throng with gracious air,
As sun that bids the stars retire--
Then where are all thy boastings, May?
What hast thou beautiful and gay
Compared with that supreme delight?
We leave thy loveliest flowers and watch that lady
bright.
--Song of Walter Von der Vogelweide.
It accords not well with my ideas of humility and self-effacement that I
should ever be writing of myself, and yet it seemeth not possible to
tell this tale without bringing into it much that befell me in
connection with those who were so dear to me, and of whose lives it is
my pleasure and pain to relate.
And of those who were so precious to me there were none so dear to me
as my Sister Bernice, not even Sonnlein; for however beloved he was of
me he was none the less of my sex, while my dear sister was of that sex
which a true man, so it appeareth to me, can no more help holding with a
more or less tender feeling than he can help breathing.
I know this will seem unto many as foolishness, especially as I--like my
Brother Beissel, who had published his "_Ehebüchlein_," or "Booklet on
Matrimony," denouncing marriage as the penitentiary of carnal man--have
ever been an advocate of the beauty and superiority of the virgin life;
but in my reading of history I have noted how more than one man much
stronger than I, changed utterly his beliefs and principles for the love
of some daughter of Eve.
It is not that I have never been greatly attracted by the charms of my
sisters, whom we in Ephrata regarded not so much opposite as
complementary to our own, man's nature. I loved my mother dearly; her
love hath been as a sweet fragrance to me in all my long life, and in
many a trial and temptation have I felt her presence near, strengthening
and upholding me in the right. And however cold and indifferent I may
have borne myself outwardly to the gentler ones, still I never could
speak otherwise than tenderly, and even reverently to them, as it seemed
to me their pure, finer natures deserved; so that it hath ever grieved
me to hear any one belittle a woman.
I shall never forget the first time I saw the slight, delicate form and
sweet face of Sister Bernice. It was at one of our love feasts
(_Liebesmahl_), which with us was not like among the other
denominations, merely symbolic, but was patterned after that of the
early Christians; for we took a regular meal--and not merely a wafer or
cake--in utter silence before communion, the love feast being an
introduction to the more solemn part of the evening's service.
I remember full well how the Brethren were sitting on one side of the
long table in Kedar, with heads uncovered, the Sisters on the other side
not with their enveloping bonnets, but bedecked with the pretty prayer
covering, which they always seemed glad to wear, which was a neat lace
cap with strings beneath the chin.
After the reading of the Scriptures I raised my head, and then for the
first time in my life saw the Sister opposite me--Bernice. I do not
think she saw me or in any way observed me, for she seemed rapt in
ecstatic adoration, her eyes turned upward and her lips slightly parted,
as if she already saw and heard the glories of that heavenly home she
was to visit ere many years passed over her fair head.
I shall never forget that look, that face, nearer an angel's than any I
have ever seen. An unaccountable pity swept over me, and that pity I
fear was the beginning of another feeling I dared not own. But my
dangerous thoughts were soon interrupted by the preparations for the
_pedelavium_, or feet-washing. Small tubs of tepid water were brought
into the _Saal_. The Elder washed the feet of the Brethren and the
eldest Sister performed the same humble service for the Sisters, each
Brother and Sister after the feet were dried receiving from him or her
who washed the feet, a shake of the hands and the kiss of love and
charity. A wicked wish came into my heart, grieving me days after for my
perverse, unspiritual longing, that I might take the place of the eldest
Sister, for I could willingly suffer the kisses of all the other Sisters
for merely one touch of the lips of that young angel opposite me.
Fortunately, the Brothers and Sisters were so busy in their devotions,
no one noticed whether or not my face reflected my guilty longings, for
I was so absorbed in them that when the Elder came to me, instead of my
feet I thrust my hands down into the tub, and was about to place them on
the Elder's towel, when he, unobserved by the rest, gave me a little
nudge and said in a low voice but sternly, "Art crazy, brother? knowest
not thy hands from thy feet?"
I gazed at my hands for a moment, and then as I realized my folly, I
dropped my feet into the tub with such a splash that Brother Lamech who
was seated next awaiting his turn, being utterly swallowed up in worship
and forgetting whether or not his feet had been washed, hastily stuck
them out past me into the Elder's lap just as I was placing mine own
feet there. For a moment the Elder looked at us both in such solemn,
puzzled disgust, that in spite of my natural gravity I almost laughed
outright, which would have been most sacrilegious. Happily, our Elder
was a quickwitted man, and drying our intermingled feet as best he
could, he passed quietly to the rest who had not seen the little
complexity down the line.
The feet-washing being completed, and we all having resumed the covering
of our feet, we turned around on our benches toward the table, the
Brothers and Sisters again facing each other. Then came the evening
meal, which with us consisted of lamb soup as the chief dish, while
bread and apple-butter were served to the strangers and visitors
gathered in the hall. Brother Beissel having breathed a fervent blessing
on the meal we turned to it in absolute silence. And yet not in utter
silence, for if ever heart spake to heart I know mine was clamoring most
violently, and I verily believe hers was too, for now and then, not
slyly nor shamefacedly, the sweet face opposite me would look up and the
tenderest shadow of a smile would be wafted to me. I know little of
these things, but I believe our hearts turned each toward the other
without the power to stay them, just as certain as flowers turn toward
the light and warmth of the sun. Those gentle smiles, as innocent and
guileless as a child's, filled me with a happiness, an ecstatic bliss I
had never felt at any other love feast. It was, ah me, truly a feast of
love.
I suppose we had sat there forever in perfect happiness and content, had
not the evening services interrupted our foolish bliss. I shall not
describe what followed of the service, for they were similar to the love
feasts that are still observed by our little congregation; the giving of
thanks at the end of the meal, the holy kiss, when Brother kissed
Brother and Sister kissed Sister. But if ever the kisses of my Brethren
seemed stale and unprofitable--may I be forgiven for saying this--'twas
then, when there was so near in being but so far in possibility, a kiss
from my dear young sister.
Alas, what a garrulous old fool I am to be writing of such things at my
age. But I cannot help it, for if ever I had a true idea of what
heaven's bliss would be like it was that night. If such transcendent joy
could come from sweet flesh and blood on earth, though in angelic shape,
what joy must it be to wander forever the boundless realms of heaven
enraptured with the love of the celestial virgin.
That night as I lay down on my hard bench in my _Kammer_, I felt for the
first time as though it were too small to hold all the joy of human love
and the pain of a conscience guilty of treason to its celestial virgin.
What little sleep visited mine eyes that night brought visions of the
dear sister in the form of our spiritual Eve, and when morning came I
was so miserably happy, if I may so say, between the two loves I hardly
knew what to do. Nor was I helped much during the day when I overheard
our Elder remark to Brother Joseph that he had never seen such
beautiful, soul-absorbing observance of a love feast as that shown by
Brother Jabez and Brother Lamech the night before.
This was more than I could bear, and I laughed so heartily that Sister
Maria, who afterward became the spiritual leader of the Sisterhood,
suddenly coming upon me held up her hands in pious horror at such
unspeakable levity. I did many a penance that week before I felt myself
absolved from my impious frivolity. I have often thought since then how
many a time we are praised when we deserve blame and blamed when we
merit praise; and indeed it hath been a rule of my life never to be
unduly elated by praise, or on the other hand unnecessarily depressed by
censure. I have always set one against the other, and in this manner
have contrived with my weak, erring temper to preserve a fair show of
equanimity and serenity.
But I was resolved that I, Brother Jabez, the associate superintendent
of the community, would not give way to this midsummer madness, and so
far as I could see, Sister Bernice was of the same mind. I saw but
little of her, and when we did come nigh each other, which was seldom,
her averted gaze told me she too was struggling against our sinful love.
And so day after day passed around, filled with its various duties,
neither Sister Bernice nor myself giving any sign, so far as either of
us was aware, of our poor, forbidden love, though often in the long
after years I wondered whether all our self-denial of this sweet, human
love was not a greater sacrifice than He required of us.