AT PEACE WITH MYSELF
And then, after all, something stopped me, something I had never
experienced before. Was it prejudice? Or moral restraint? I had no time
to examine my feelings. Was it self-respect? Yes, that, without doubt.
No one would ever know anything about it, but I should know about it
myself!
"Make up your mind!" I said to the man.
Had he an inkling of the danger he had been in? In any case he
acquiesced without a word, and took the note, to which I added a louis.
I commandeered the rest of the bread, and three dozen eggs, which the
girl was to boil till they were hard. She bustled about, but it took
some time.
I paid for everything at three times its value, without turning a hair.
The old man got a second louis, and to show his satisfaction, threw in
a packet of salt!
I will not dwell upon our return journey. Bouillon had hung a cord
round his neck with the poultry dangling at each end of it, in two
bunches. They struggled and made a deafening din and twice over almost
tripped him up. He gravely warned them:
"If you do that a third time, I shall lose my temper!"
Thirty yards farther on, he stopped.
"Got a pin?"
I handed him one without understanding why he wanted it.
He turned away. I became aware of a wild flapping, and then a faint
rattle. "Next please!"
"I'll learn 'em not to be so bloomin' fond o' flies!"
He pricked them behind the head, one after the other, sighing.
"If only they was some o' them Bosches!"
* * * * *
When he entered the stable in front of us half an hour later, with the
chaplet of chickens round his neck, the men were stupefied. Then an
uproar arose.
"Oh! the cannibal!" cried Judsi.
"Good biz; grub at last!"
The men who were asleep had to be shaken and roused up. Their faces
broke into broad smiles, their eyes lit up. Things went very quickly
when once they were all up. Some of them had already been told off to
pluck, to light fires, and do the roasting. Everyone hurried into the
yard. Guillaumin and I slipped down beside De Valpic and told him all
about our pranks. Guillaumin gaily gave him an account of the longing
which had seized us, to despoil the old man, and violate the girl. It
was a tremendous joy to have a conscience clear enough to be able to
joke about it. De Valpic smiled in response. One felt how his whole
being was yearning for the nourishment of which he had been deprived
for nearly forty-eight hours.
We went to supervise the cooking. In the twinkling of an eye the men
had built up piles of branches, and succeeded in lighting them, though
the yard was soaking. The chickens had been plucked and dressed and
were roasting fast, threaded on to bayonets which willing volunteers
were turning conscientiously under Gaufrèteau's direction. By his
orders, too, bowls were put under them to catch the fat dripping from
them. In half an hour's time, he pronounced the birds cooked to a turn.
We presided over the division. Nothing was to go out of the platoon!
The battalion sergeant-major came and hung about.
"Halloa. Some looting been going on!"
"No," said Bouillon, "the sergeant paid, and a good price too."
Ravelli stood in the mud near by, and sniffed the good smell. But a
remnant of dignity forbade him to beg. We ended by taking pity on him,
and offering him a fine fleshy bone, which he set to work to gnaw like
a dog.
I was tormented for quite a long time--poor wretches that we are--by
the paltry fear that the men might not realise to the full to whom they
owed the windfall. They had quite cheered up, and I saw them grouped
round the fires which still flickered, and lit up their delighted
faces, chewing the remains of their bones and munching their eggs.
Perhaps they imagined that the company's mess-balance had paid for the
feast. In any case their gratitude to my companions was just as great
as it was to me. I should have liked to monopolise it!
Then I shook off this paltry thought. What was all this about
benefactors and debtors. A lot there was to be proud about, in having
paid, when I had the money to pay with. One felt that the good fellows
would every one of them be capable of a similar action, rather than
surprised at it!
Candour, simplicity of soul. Another effort. I was pulling myself up to
it.
Guillaumin and I had reserved one whole chicken for ourselves. We took
the best half of it to De Valpic. Alas! his appetite failed after the
first mouthfuls, and he had great difficulty in getting through it.
We had decided to offer the captain a wing. Guillaumin, who had
undertaken to be the ambassador, soon came back. Ribet had refused
it--oh, as nicely as possible assuring Guillaumin that he needed
nothing. If we had a portion over, let it be for one of his men, who
had their packs to carry!
Henriot must have got wind of this reply, for his was identical. The
third one, Delafosse, we knew nothing about him; nobody thought about
him. But Breton, when he was invited, did not turn up his nose at it,
and came to revive himself by us. He congratulated us:
"These bachelors knew how to look after themselves--and no mistake!"
And what about the Playoust set. De Valpic having timidly suggested
that we might--Guillaumin exploded:
"Never! Low-down cads like that! Why they'd let us starve without
turning a hair."
I backed him up, and De Valpic said no more.
We three each put part of the remains on one side. It was rather
shocking, I admitted to myself, to be thinking of our future hunger,
when comrades at hand were suffering the pangs of present hunger.
But after all! I had done enough for others to last me for one day!
* * * * *
I had gone out into the yard again. It was almost deserted now, but
I came across Humel. He pretended not to see me. His cap, which was
cocked over one ear, gave him a cheeky look, but I caught sight of
his haggard face and sunken cheeks by the light of one of the bonfires
which was still smouldering. I turned round:
"I say, Humel!"
He stopped, and aggressively snapped:
"Well? What do you want?"
"You've had nothing, have you?"
"Had nothing ... what do you mean?"
"To get your teeth into!"
He hesitated:
"A lot you care!"
I went up to him, and put my hand on his shoulder:
"Like a bit of chicken?"
He made a movement as if to free himself, and then thought better of
it, and said more gently:
"Have you got some left?"
"Yes, and a hard-boiled egg. Wait a bit!"
I went back into the piggery, and very stealthily--I did not want
Guillaumin to see me--took out my mess-tin, which contained my
provisions for the next day, then I rejoined Humel.
"Here you are."
We went and sat down in the shade on the curb of the well.
"You can use my mess-tin."
The poor boy began to eat hurriedly, and in silence. I told him, in
a joking tone, the story of our expedition; and meanwhile stealthily
examined his thin profile. He was a mere boy. A younger brother, this
lad too, younger not only in years.... He was thirsty. I pulled up a
bucket of water for him and we drank out of the same mug.
Then making a violent effort to get over what I think was timidity he
said to me:
"Thanks very much."
I replied:
"Look here, old chap, don't you think we ought all to be pals?"
As he nodded in agreement, I ventured on to more ticklish ground. With
all sorts of precautions, and wordy extenuations, I let him see how
necessary it was, in the present circumstances, not to let the men's
morale be shaken. It was for us in particular, who mixed with the
troops to preach it to them, and to practise what we preached. There
were so many shining reasons to hope. Complaints were so harmful.
It was a dangerous subject, I repeat. Humel was already chafing under
my remarks and beginning to protest--(Where is the man who will submit
to being taught his business?)--I went off at a tangent, just in time,
and roundly abused Playoust and Descroix--Humel I affected to accept,
to consider that as far as he was able to, he tried to react against a
troublesome state of mind; I considered him the only N.C.O. who counted
in No. 1 platoon, as De Valpic was too ill but I hoped that he would
redouble his efforts!
The most transparent ruses were successful. Humel gave up rebelling. I
do not know whether he flattered himself that he was like the portrait
I drew of him, but he nodded approvingly. When you catch people doing
wrong they are so grateful to you when you do not humiliate them.
We shook hands heartily when we separated. I kept his youthful fist in
mine for a minute:
"_Au revoir_, my lad!"
"See you to-morrow!"
One more on our side, perhaps!
I went to lie down on our dung-heap. My companions were already asleep.
I looked affectionately at Bouillon and Guillaumin for a moment--then I
scribbled a few lines to Jeannine, and lay down at peace with myself.
_BOOK VIII_
_September 2nd-7th_