[The growing popularity of the one-Act play has prompted the aphorism
that what is required in this class of drama is a "maximum of action
with a minimum of explanation." Nevertheless the following effort has
been rejected by every Manager in London--a fact which decisively
answers the oft-repeated question, "Do Managers read plays?"]
SCENE--_A luxuriously furnished room in the flat of_ Violet Hazelwood.
Violet _is seated, writing. The telephone on the table rings noisily._
_Violet_ (_picking up the receiver_). Hello! Yes.... It's me.... Oh,
it's Reggie.... Yes, I'm at home to you.... In three minutes?... Right,
I shall be here. (_Hangs up receiver._)
_Maid_ (_entering suddenly_). Sir Frank Bulkeley, m'm. (_Goes out and_
Sir Frank _enters._)
_Sir Frank._ My dear Violet---- (_A report is heard and a splintering of
glass._) Confound it all, I'm shot! (_Falls on floor._)
_Violet._ Yes, he certainly appears to be shot. I'd better go and see
the police about it. (_Goes out._)
_Reggie Fortescue_ (_entering precipitately_). Violet.... (_Looking
round in perplexity_). Not here! She said she would be here.... She is
false to me. False! I have nothing left to live for. (_Takes out a
revolver, shoots himself and falls on the floor._)
_Gerald Maristowe_ (_entering cautiously through the window and carrying
a rifle_). This is a devil of a risky business, this rifle practice, but
Ulster must be saved somehow. I see I've broken the window. Wonder if
I've done any other damage. (_Sees_ Sir Frank.) Gee! I've killed a man!
(_Sees_ Reggie.) Oh, glory! I've killed two of 'em! Reggie, too, by all
that's rum! I say, you know, that's pretty useful shooting.... Still, it
probably means hanging, and I'm--er--hanged if I'll be hanged. Let me
rather die by my own hand. (_Discharges rifle at himself, and falls on
floor._)
_Violet_ (_re-entering with an Inspector and a Constable_). There he is,
Inspector. (_Sees_ Gerald.) My goodness, there seem to be two now! I
feel sure.... (_Sees_ Reggie.) _Three!_ Really, Inspector, I feel almost
certain that when I left.... Oh, it's Reggie! My heart is broken!
(_Faints._)
_Inspector._ Stand back, Clarkson; this job requires thought. (_Takes up
telephone receiver._) Circus 20634, Miss.... That you Doc.? Come round
at once, please.... Two or three men shot.... Right.... (_Hangs up
receiver._) Clarkson, measure the exact distance between each corpse and
the window. (Clarkson _proceeds to do so._ _Enter_ Doctor.) Ah, Doc.,
that's the little job I mentioned.
_Doctor_ (_kneeling by_ Violet). This one isn't shot; she's only
fainted. She'll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Gerald.) Nor is
this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Reggie.) Nor is
this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Sir Frank.) This
one is, though. Dead as a door-nail. (Violet, Reggie _and_ Gerald _rise
simultaneously to their feet._) There you are! I told you so.
_Gerald_ (_aside_). Missed!
_Reggie_ (_aside_). Missed! (_Aloud_) Violet, I love you!
_Violet._ I'm _so_ glad, because I love you.
_Reggie_ (_confidentially_). Do you know, I really thought I was dead.
Hello, Gerald, old son, what are you doing here?
_Gerald._ Oh, I thought I'd sort of look in, you know.
_Inspector._ Violet Hazelwood, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank
Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used
in evidence against you. Clarkson, stop playing with that tape and
handcuff the prisoner. (Clarkson _does so._)
_Gerald_ (_aside_). Good business! That saves _my_ neck.
_Violet._ But, my dear good soul.... However, I suppose it's no use to
say anything. Reggie, I can never marry you now.
_Reggie._ You couldn't in any case, my dear, because I haven't got any
money.
_Violet._ You forget that you are sole heir to Sir Frank there, who had
fourteen thousand a year. _I_ thought of that at once.
_Reggie._ Columbus! So I am. Well, that _is_ a dashed nuisance.
_Gerald_ (_coming forward nobly_). My dear, dear friends, I cannot allow
your happiness to be wrecked in this way. I killed Sir Frank! You can be
married now.
_Reggie._ Good egg! (_Embraces_ Violet.)
_Inspector._ Gerald Maristowe, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank
Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used
in evidence against you.
_Violet._ Oh, we must save him. What can we do?
_Clarkson._ Lady, do you remember years ago giving sixpence to a
starving boy in Peckham Rye?
_Violet._ Yes.
_Clarkson._ _I_ am--that is, _was_--that boy. I will save your friend.
Inspector, you know that a reward of £10,000 is offered for the capture
of the anarchist Mazzio?
_Inspector._ Yes. I wish to heaven I could lay my hands on him.
_Clarkson._ I can tell you how to do so.
_Inspector._ How?
_Clarkson_ (_dramatically tearing off his wig and false moustache_). I
am Mazzio! (_Turning to_ Gerald _and the others_) I shall struggle
violently. While he is engaged in arresting me, you can make good your
escape.
_Inspector._ Ha! Do you think I can be so easily baffled? (_Picking up
telephone receiver._) There are other police in the neighbourhood.
_Violet._ Not so. (_Slashes through the telephone cord with a knife_).
_Gerald._ Bravo!
_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. (_Puts his head out of the window and
blows a police whistle. The others look at one another in
consternation._) _Now_ I think I am master of the situation.
_Clarkson._ Foiled! All the same, you are less fortunate than you
imagine. When I said I was Mazzio, I lied.
_Inspector._ Prove it.
_Clarkson._ Easily. Mazzio has a scar on his left forearm. (_Rolling up
sleeve._) I have none.
_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. I can now proceed with the arrest of
the murderer of Sir Frank Bulkeley, Bart.
_Gerald_ (_aside_). I'm done for!
_Clarkson._ There _must_ be some way of escape. Doc., it's up to you to
do something.
_Doctor._ With pleasure. I certify that Sir Frank died from heart
disease.
_Inspector_ (_stammering_). But--but--but he's _obviously_ shot. I mean
to say----
_Doctor._ I certify that Sir Frank Bulkeley died from heart disease ten
seconds before the bullet struck him. You can do nothing in the face of
my certificate.
_Gerald, Reggie and Violet._ Saved!