WOOD. Take it off, I say!
LARK. (_taking off sling and fitting his arm in his waistcoat, with
evident pain_) There! and now give me that confounded letter of mine.
WOOD. Oh dear, no! I can't spare that. (_taking letter out of envelope
and reading_) "To see you is to love you." (_aside_) And to think I've
got to copy such twaddle as that. (_listening_) Hark! I hear some one.
You know what you've got to do; don't go and make a mess of it.
(_aside_) And I got married to settle down quietly--it looks like it!
Never mind; Woodcock's got his little game!
_Hurries out at L._
_Enter MRS. LARKINGS and MRS. CARVER, C._
LARK. (_assuming an air of unconcern_) Ah, my dear!
MRS. L. (_R.--extending her arm_) Keep your distance, sir. I know
all--all! In a word, I am now going to Mr. Swansdown's--you hear--to
Mr. Swansdown's, for a certain letter--a love letter, sir, written by
you to Mrs. Swansdown.
LARK. (_C._) By me! Ha, ha, ha! I should like to see it. Go and fetch
it, my dear; why don't you go for it, my love? Tra, la, la! (_humming
a tune_)
_Enter DAVID, L._
DAVID. (_to MRS. LARKINGS_) Please, ma'am. (_aside_) Don't let me
forget what master told me to say. (_aloud_) Here be a letter, ma'am,
from Mr. Swan--Swan----
MRS. L. (_eagerly_) Swansdown? give it me? (_snatching letter from
DAVID, but keeping her eyes fixed on LARKINGS, who tries to appear
unconcerned, and endeavours to get up a whistle_) You may go, David!
_Exit DAVID, L._
LARK. (_aside_) Woodcock's gone and bungled the business--I knew he
would. (_MRS. LARKINGS tears open the envelope_) She's opened it; it's
all over with me!
MRS. L. (_reading_) "To see you is to love you." (_suddenly_) Eh! can
it be? yes! yes! (_with an exclamation of joy, and throwing her arms
round LARKINGS_) Oh, my dear, darling Christopher!
LARK. (_suffering pain in his arm, and trying to disengage
himself--aside_) Confound it! how she's hurting me!
MRS. C. What do you mean?
MRS. L. That I'm the happiest woman in the world--that Christopher is
innocent! (_throws her arms again round him_)
LARK. Don't! don't!
MRS. C. Innocent?
MRS. L. Yes, as a lamb! the letter isn't in his handwriting--look!
(_giving letter to MRS. C., and making another spring at LARKINGS, who
keeps her off_)
MRS. C. (_reading letter_) "To see you is to----" (_suddenly, and with
a violent scream_) Ah!
MRS. L. _and_ LARK. (_startled_) What's the matter?
MRS. C. (_after a pause gives another louder scream_) Ah! the wretch!
the monster!
MRS. L. Who? who?
MRS. C. Woodcock! the handwriting is _his!_ (_LARKINGS laughs aside_)
Ah! (_another loud scream_)
LARK. Hush! you'll alarm the neighbourhood.
MRS. C. (_L. C._) I don't care--I must scream! I shall die if I don't
scream! take me somewhere where I can scream!
MRS. L. Hush! for Caroline's sake.
MRS. C. True! she must know nothing--and yet I must scream. I'll go
out in the street and scream.
MRS. L. Hush! had you not better take poor Caroline home on some
pretext or other!
MRS. C. I will! and then I'll come back and kill Woodcock. I'll send
for a cab this moment!
MRS. L. Pray be cautious.
MRS. C. I will! but I shall suffocate if I don't scream--I have
it--I'll scream in the cab! (_hurries out, C._)
MRS. L. (_with an imploring look at LARKINGS_) Oh, can you forgive me?
LARK. (_in a patronizing tone_) Yes, yes!
MRS. L. Dearest, best of Christophers-- (_suddenly embracing him
again_)
LARK. Don't! don't!
MRS. L. How could I suspect you? but isn't this dreadful conduct of
Mr. Woodcock's! actually before the honeymoon is over!
LARK. Very shocking, indeed.
MRS. L. The man ought to be put in the pillory!
LARK. At the very least.
MRS. L. Ah! (_tenderly_) you wouldn't deceive your fond confiding
wife? (_affectionately putting her arm in his wounded one_)
LARK. (_making a grimace_) Not for the world!
_Enter DAVID, L._
DAVID. (_in a flurried manner_) Oh please, ma'am, a policeman has just
rang at our bell----
MRS. L. A policeman?
DAVID. Yes, ma'am; seeing we hadn't gone to bed, he called to say that
as he was going over Primrose Hill, about a quarter of an hour ago
(_LARKINGS pricks up his ears_) he picked up this card case, ma'am!
(_LARKINGS hastily fumbles in all his pockets_)
LARK. (_aside_) Mine, by Jupiter!
DAVID. So he opens it, ma'am, and--(_to LARKINGS who is making violent
signs to him to hold his tongue_) What's the matter, sir? (_MRS.
LARKINGS turns towards LARKINGS, who again tries to get up a whistle_)
MRS. L. But why bring it to our home?
DAVID. Because it's Mr. Larkings's card case, ma'am!
MRS. L. (_to LARKINGS, suspiciously_) So you've been to Primrose Hill,
it seems?
LARK. (_bothered_) Yes--the fact is--the rooms were so hot--and--never
having seen the sun set--I mean the moon rise--I--(_aside_) I'd better
hold my tongue.
MRS. L. (_after a searching look at him_) Where did the man say he
picked this card case up?
DAVID. Where the shooting took place, ma'am.
MRS. L. The shooting?
DAVID. Yes, ma'am. (_seeing LARKINGS again making signals to him_)
Yes, sir! (_MRS. LARKINGS looks round and LARKINGS again assumes an
air of unconcern_) He heard two shots, ma'am--bang, bang; and ran to
the spot just in time to see three gentlemen walking off; and----
(_during this LARKINGS has been again repeating his signals to
him_)
MRS. L. You can go, David.
_Exit DAVID, at L._
Larkings! (_eagerly to him_) what does this mean? Speak,
Christopher--what has happened? (_grasping LARKINGS'S arm, who makes a
grimace_) Ah! you needn't explain; I see it all--there has been a
duel?