MRS. L. You intend that she _shall!_ of course! indeed, Mrs. Colonel
Carver writes me word that she has arranged a delightful wedding trip
for you.
WOOD. Has she? (_aside_) That's kind of Carver! very!
MRS. L. Yes! Brussels, Switzerland, Italy, &c., &c., &c.; she hasn't
quite settled which.
WOOD. Hasn't she? to tell you the truth no more have I. (_aside_) I
shall seize the earliest opportunity of giving Carver notice to quit.
MRS. L. With a young and blooming bride for a companion, how
delightful it will be! The Alps! Mount Vesuvius! the Colosseum at
Rome!----
WOOD. Yes, very delightful; but very fatiguing; besides, I've seen it
all. I know Switzerland and Italy, just as well as I do St. Martin's
Church. I admit I've only seen the Colosseum at Rome, twice; but as on
my _second_ visit I found it in exactly the same state as on my
_first_ visit, I've no wish to pay it a _third_ visit, merely to
establish the fact that on my third visit, I found it in exactly the
same state as on my second visit.
MRS. L. But your _wife_ hasn't seen it.
WOOD. What of that? I can describe it to her, can't I? besides, I
married to stop at home, not to go abroad! in a word, Mrs. Woodcock,
like a sensible woman, entirely approves of the programme I have drawn
up for our connubial existence. (_taking paper out of his pocket_)
Here it is--I haven't consulted her about it, but she entirely
approves of it, nevertheless. In the morning she'll attend to her
household duties, while I go out fishing--I'm very fond of fishing!
After dinner she'll do a little gardening, water the plants, pull up
the weeds, kill the caterpillars, while I smoke my cigar, and--look
on. In the evening she'll take her work, darn the stockings, sew on
buttons, and so on, while I take a nap in my arm chair. Then we wind
up with a lively game at dominoes, or "double dummy," have a light
supper--pork chops, or a basin of gruel, and--retire! (_throwing paper
on the table_)
MRS. L. (_smiling_) Very charming, indeed! but pray be cautious! if
you plunge poor dear Caroline too suddenly into such a vortex of
gaiety and dissipation, I'm afraid it will be too much for her!
(_satirically_)
WOOD. (_aside_) What Larkings could possibly see in this woman, I
can't imagine!
MRS. L. One word more! now, Mr. Woodcock! look at me, Mr. Woodcock!
When Mrs. Colonel Carver consented to your marriage with her daughter,
was she acquainted with your previous career, Mr. Woodcock? your long
catalogue of follies and extravagancies, Mr. Woodcock?
WOOD. (_alarmed and anxiously_) Hush!
MRS. L. Your notorious reputation for gallantry, Mr. Woodcock?
WOOD. Hush--hush! don't speak so loud! (_looking round, then in a low
tone to MRS. LARKINGS_) I'll tell you how it happened! You see, we
were two Woodcocks--in fact, a brace of Woodcocks, Benjamin and
Marmaduke. I'm Marmaduke, from which you may infer with a tolerable
degree of accuracy that my brother was Benjamin! Well, Benjamin was
always one of the quiet going sort, in short, a serious young man; in
fact, he was known as the "tame Woodcock," because he was what is
called decidedly "slow;" now I was called the "Wild Woodcock,"
because----