SCENE.--_An Apartment in the house of Mrs. Colonel Carver at
Stow-on-the-Wold, fire-place in C., doors, R. and L. of it; another
door R. 2. E.; a sofa, L.; at L. a window; table, C., with writing
materials; chairs, &c., &c._
_DAVID in livery and wearing a large wedding favour, is seated at
little table, writing._
DAVID. Let me see what I ha' written! (_reading letter_) "Dear Cousin
Jane, I write this from the little town of Stow-on-the-Wold, in
Gloucestershire--last week the population amounted to 2719, but as
soon as master and me arrived, it suddenly shot up to 2721--the church
bells have been ringing all the morning in honour of my master's
marriage with Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth Carver, which
is now being solemnized"--(_noise of shouting and hurrahing heard_)
hey-day! (_jumps up and looks out of window_) it be all over, and here
comes the bride and bridegroom! (_shouts repeated--DAVID, in his
enthusiasm waving his arm out of the window and hurrahing with all his
might, then coming down_) Poor master! he's gone and done it now, and
no mistake! (_listening_) Here comes the wedding party--I must finish
my letter to Cousin Jane by-and-bye! (_putting letter in his pocket_)
_MRS. WOODCOCK, MRS. COLONEL CARVER in bridal attire, and two
BRIDESMAIDS enter at door R. C._
MRS. C. Don't agitate yourself, my darling child, it is rather a
nervous affair, I know, but it's all over now--nothing could be
better, you got through it charmingly.
BRIDESMAIDS. Oh, yes, charmingly!
MRS. C. A little repose, a mouthful of sponge cake and glass of sherry
will soon compose you. Ladies, support your precious charge--come.
_Exeunt, door R. 2 E._
WOOD. (_without_) This way, my dear friends.
_Enter WOODCOCK, door R. C., in his bridegroom's costume, followed
by two or three MALE FRIENDS, with whom he is shaking hands in
succession._
I'm obliged to you--very much obliged to you, indeed, for seeing me
through the awful--I mean the interesting ceremony! You'll excuse my
following you to the dining room; you'll find my respectable bride and
her blushing mother there--no--I mean--really, what with the
excitement, the agitation, the--the----
FRIENDS. (_laughing_) Ha, ha! of course!--all right, old fellow--ha,
ha, ha!
_Exeunt, R. 2 E._
WOOD. (_coming slowly down--after a short pause_) It's all over!
there's not the slightest doubt about its being all over! the knot is
tied, and I am fairly launched on the sea of matrimony! I felt
uncommonly nervous at first, and then, to make matters worse, I
thought I never should have got my white kid gloves off; and yet they
were quite loose when I put them on. I can't imagine what made them
shrink so, unless it was the state of nervous excitement they were
in--I mean, I was in! 'Pon my life, after all, a wedding in a country
town is a very jolly affair! In London, a couple walk into church and
out again, and it makes no more sensation than if they went into a
pastrycook's and bought a bun a piece! but in the country it creates a
general excitement--the bride and bridegroom become objects of
universal sympathy--I mean, curiosity--everybody wishes them joy, at
least they say they do! In short, as I said before, it's a very jolly
affair! I shouldn't mind being married two or three times a week for a
considerable time to come. (_seeing DAVID_) Ah, David!
DAVID. (_sighing, and very seriously_) So, you be really married, sir?
WOOD. (_assuming a very hilarious manner_) Yes, David! quite married!
You may look at me with the perfect conviction that you are
contemplating the portrait of a gentleman thoroughly, totally, and
completely married. (_DAVID turns away to hide his laughter_) You
needn't turn your head away, David. I don't mind your laughing. I'm
laughing myself, ha, ha, ha. (_forcing a very loud laugh--then after a
short pause_) It does seem funny though, doesn't it, David?
DAVID. (_L. C._) Yes, sir! it _is_ a rum go and no mistake!
WOOD. I said nothing about a "rum go," David,--I limited myself to the
expression "funny!"
DAVID. Only to think of _your_ settling down into a respectable member
of society! Dear, dear, when I think of your desperate, wild,
_au_dacious capers----
WOOD. Hush, David! not so loud? my respected mother-in-law might hear
you; and between you and me Mrs. Colonel Carver is rather a formidable
sort of person!
DAVID. Ees, sir! she _has_ a stiffish, frumpish look with her!
WOOD. I said nothing about "stiffish and frumpish," David,--I limited
myself to the expression "formidable." As you say, David, I have been
a sad scapegrace--a desperate rascal--but when a man has been cutting
capers and nothing but capers for twenty years, it's high time he cut
them altogether--in plain English, I felt I had had my _whack_, and
that's why I've just married Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth
Carver!
DAVID. Well, sir, they do say a reformed rake makes the best husband,
and you certainly had a regular good "innings" at it.
WOOD. I said nothing about "innings," David,--I limited myself to the
expression _"whack!_" Has anything been sent from the railway station?
DAVID. Yes--sir, three parcels--here they be, sir! (_three brown paper
parcels are on the table_)
WOOD. (_taking one parcel and opening letter, which is fastened to
it_) "Two morning gowns in merino--best quality, quilted and
lined,--cords and tassels as to order," that's all right; now the
other parcels, David--(_opening the papers attached to them_) "Three
woollen smoking caps, three cloth ditto, three silk ditto, three
velvet ditto"--all right. (_opening third paper_) "Twelve pairs of
slippers to measure, three lined with fur, three with flannel, &c.,
&c." Quite correct.
DAVID. Morning gowns, caps, and slippers! Why, I never seed you with
one or the other in all my life, never!
WOOD. Exactly; because, hitherto, my existence has been passed in
coats that cramped my body, hats that pinched my head, and boots that
crippled my feet! But that's all over, David; to-morrow I insert my
body into a morning gown, my head into a cap, my feet into a pair of
slippers, and in that easy and unencumbered state I sink into a
comfortable arm chair for the remainder of my existence. Not a bad
notion, eh, David?
DAVID. I call it a first-rate dodge, sir!
WOOD. I said nothing about a "dodge," David; I limited myself to the
expression "notion." That being the case, David, I hereby convey,
transfer, and make over to you from the time being my entire stock of
dress coats, ditto trousers, ditto waistcoats, white neckcloths, black
hats, and patent leather boots.
DAVID. Oh, thank'ee, sir, thankee!
MRS. LARKINGS. (_without_) Don't trouble yourself! I dare say you've
plenty to do on such a day as this.
WOOD. Heyday! see who it is, David.
DAVID. (_looking off at R. C._) It be a lady, sir. Lor! how I should
laugh if it was one o' your old London sweethearts come down to forbid
the banns--ha, ha, ha!
WOOD. Hold your tongue, sir, and shew the lady in!
_As DAVID goes up, enter MRS. LARKINGS, at door R. C., in
travelling costume._
DAVID. (_running back to WOODCOCK, and aside to him_) All right,
sir--I never seed her afore!
WOOD. Leave the room! (_DAVID runs out--WOODCOCK advances to MRS.
LARKINGS_) Madam, may I--eh? yes--Mrs. Larkings!
MRS. L. _Yes_! in _propria persona._ Well, am I too late? I see I am.
You're married? I see you are. (_looking at WOODCOCK and then bursting
into a laugh_) Ha, ha, ha! I can't help laughing!
WOOD. So it seems. Yes, fair lady, I entered the holy state of wedlock
exactly seventeen minutes and a half ago. (_looking at watch_)
MRS. L. I should so like to have seen you! what fun it must have
been--ha, ha, ha!
WOOD. (_aside_) What does she mean by "fun?" and what _can_ she be
laughing at? (_aloud and assuming a very solemn manner_) Mrs.
Larkings, if you allude to the solemnization of the nuptial rites, _I_
saw no fun in it.
MRS. L. No, of course _you_ didn't! ha, ha, ha! but tell me how
is--how is _Mrs._ Woodcock? Ha, ha, ha!
WOOD. (_aside_) Mrs. Larkings is gradually becoming unpleasant.
MRS. L. Of course I couldn't allow the dear girl to be married without
wishing her joy, poor thing.