These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter--for the butlers at the
"Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington Arms"--of
either of which societies I should like to be a member. I am sure they
could not be so dull as our club at the "Poluphloisboio," where one
meets the same neat, clean, respectable old fogies every day.
But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer to
join either the "Plate Club" or the "Uniform Club" (as these reunions
are designated); for one could not shake hands with a friend who was
standing behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to the butler who was
pouring you out a glass of wine;--so that what I know about the gents in
our neighborhood is from mere casual observation. For instance, I have a
slight acquaintance with (1) Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of
injured innocence, and is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street.
"I tell why the brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation
broke out all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and
Desperation was always the most mystest hoss I ever see.--I take him out
with Mr. Anderson's 'ounds--I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride
to 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is a
liar," &c. &c.
Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas all the
world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a hundred a
year in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has lent Mr. Green's
black brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, at a time when Mr.
G. supposed him at the veterinary surgeon's, has lent him to a livery
stable, which has let him out to that gentleman himself, and actually
driven him to dinner behind his own horse.
This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse--Mr. Spavin may; and
I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green.
The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we all
hate Clarence for keeping.
Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a mixture
of every European dialect--so that he may be an Italian brigand, or a
Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we know. I have heard
say that he is neither of these, but an Irish Jew.
He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very finely
embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally appears in
faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always perfumed with stale
tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, which look as if he kept
them up the chimney.
He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, except
to smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will not answer
a bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand on which,
au reste, Clarence dares not send him, being entirely afraid of his
servant, and not daring to use him, or to abuse him, or to send him
away.
3. Adams--Mr. Champignon's man--a good old man in an old livery coat
with old worsted lace--so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, that you
wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who never kept a
footman till last year, when they came into the street.
Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's father,
and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. pointed out to me
at dinner one night, whilst old Adams was blundering about amongst the
hired men from Gunter's, and falling over the silver dishes.
4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs.
Grimsby with her prayer-book, and protects her.
"If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks),
"heaven be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an upper lip
which many a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her poor dear husband
was a big man, and she could beat him easily; and did too. Mrs. Grimsby
indeed! Why, my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is Glumdalca walking with Tom
Thumb."
This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might carry
her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who is pretty
well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to have the
protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay visits, and
before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady Pocklington's.
After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her
ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames--a gentleman of vast stature and
proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her
ladyship's door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has a
contempt for a man whom he witnesses in that position. I have fancied
something like that feeling showed itself (as far as it may in a
well-bred gentleman accustomed to society) in his behavior, while
waiting behind my chair at dinner.
But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, stupid,
soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his lady being
engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames resting himself
on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he had no liquor before
him, he had probably exhausted his credit.
Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little varlet
that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, holding up to his
face a pot of porter almost as big as the young potifer himself.
"Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're thirsty,
vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?"
"Don't ago on making fun of me--I can't abear chaffin'," was the reply
of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as he looked at
the porter and the screeching little imp before him.
Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy to
say Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose gasping out
of the porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the above trivial
incident.
The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. Doctor's
boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a pair of the
doctor's clothes of last year--Miss Clapperclaw pointed this out to me
with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman.
As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs.
Bragg's nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a
Lifeguardsman, whom she was trying to convert probably. My virtuous
friend rose indignant at the sight.
"That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. "Look at
the woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant to trample
upon; and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is riding on the
monster's cane."
Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, and
causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll teach you to
be impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with whom my vivacious
old friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and she would not release
the infant until she had rung the bell of Bungalow Lodge, where she gave
it up to the footman.
The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. The
big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and hankering
about Our Street.