We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should
begin--at home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather surprised
when she reads this, and finds that a good-natured tenant, who has never
complained of her impositions for fifteen years, understands every one
of her tricks, and treats them, not with anger, but with scorn--with
silent scorn.
On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down stairs,
and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, peeping into
a letter that came from my aunt in the country, just as if it had been
addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, Esq." Did I make any
disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my bedroom (being enabled to
walk silently in the beautiful pair of worsted slippers Miss Penelope
J--s worked for me: they are worn out now, dear Penelope!) and then
rattling open the door with a great noise, descending the stairs,
singing "Son vergin vezzosa" at the top of my voice. You were not in my
sitting-room, Mrs. Cammysole, when I entered that apartment.
You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, brouillons
of verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and Morning Chronicle,
invitations to dinner and tea--all my family letters, all Eliza
Townley's letters, from the first, in which she declared that to be the
bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the fondest wish of her maiden
heart, to the last, in which she announced that her Thomas was the
best of husbands, and signed herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary
Farmer's letters, all Emily Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss
MacWhirter's, whom I would as soon marry as ----: in a word, I know
that you, you hawk-beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs.
Cammysole, have read all my papers for these fifteen years.
I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts
which you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as they
hang in a drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom.
I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which Lucy
Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I have laid
out the difference between to-day and yesterday.
I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom you
say that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take away my
practice from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your fine linen.
I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which is
brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most for her
share.
I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it arrives.
I have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years have never said
a word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor lodger. Once I put
a bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of which you and I only have
keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted away until it was all gone. You
drank the whole of it, you wicked old woman. You a lady, indeed!
I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of the
"Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to dine at
home. When I DID dine at home,--on a beefsteak let us say,--I should
like to know what you had for supper. You first amputated portions of
the meat when raw; you abstracted more when cooked. Do you think I was
taken in by your flimsy pretences? I wonder how you could dare to do
such things before your maids (you a clergyman's daughter and widow,
indeed), whom you yourself were always charging with roguery.
Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break out
at last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I shan't
mind. She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old tongue is
clacking from morning till night: she pounces on them at all hours. It
was but this morning at eight, when poor Molly was brooming the steps,
and the baker paying her by no means unmerited compliments, that my
landlady came whirling out of the ground-floor front, and sent the poor
girl whimpering into the kitchen.
Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly
to denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives of
demons; and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps at
night in the same room with them, so that she may have them up before
daybreak, and scold them while they are dressing.
Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first
floor, the poor wenches lead a dismal life.
It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from you
it is that most of the facts and observations contained in these brief
pages are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we talked amiably
about our neighbors and their little failings; and as I know that you
speak of mine pretty freely, why, let me say, my dear Bessy, that if we
have not built up Our Street between us, at least we have pulled it to
pieces.