Baby—“I want my bottle.”
Mother—“Keep quiet. You’re just like your father.”
* * * * *
Crossing the “Bar”
Midnight, a gleaming star,
On one who pinches me,
For hanging on a “soft drink” bar
Till I can hardly see.
Curled peacefully in ash barrel I would sleep
And dream of foaming mug,
But policeman with a bass voice deep,
Tuts me in the jug.
* * * * *
Knock ’er On the Kiss!
A discussion on dancing became quite heated. The Girl in the case
challenged her partner to prove his contention that any man could kiss
a girl against her will. They clinched and after a brief but determined
struggle, the girl was being ardently osculated. Upon being freed from
the fervent hold the girl sighed and said, “Well, you won but it wasn’t
fair. My foot slipped. Let’s try it again.”
_Questions and Answers_
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Could you explain the latest dance called “The
Horse Trot”?—=_White Capp._=
According to our New York correspondent, “The Horse Trot” is done with a
little wagon behind.
* * * * *
=_Mon Captaine_=—What ees zis theeng zey call ze “all day
suckair”?—=_Suzanne Lengthen._=
An “all day sucker,” Suzanne, is a poor simp who buys a girl’s lunch and
supper; takes her to a show; puts on a midnight feed, and has the taxi
wait while he bids her good night at the door of her flat.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Kissing causes my heart to flutter violently. What
should I do when my sweetheart tries to kiss me?—=_May Leigh._=
Letter flutter.
* * * * *
=_Dear Keptin_=—What is the quickest lunch you ever heard of?—=_Pholush
A. Ginn._=
Hasty pudding on a Jewish Fast day.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I have several gentlemen friends whom I would like
to give presents to on Christmas. Would you kindly give me a list of
suggestions?—=_Miss Goo C. Lou._=
Below are ten suggestions which I think would make gifts appreciated by
almost any man:
1. A quart of hootch.
2. A quart of hootch.
3. A quart of hootch.
4. A quart of hootch.
5. A quart of hootch.
6. A quart of hootch.
7. A quart of hootch.
8. A quart of hootch.
9. A quart of hootch.
10. A quart of hootch.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a husband?—=_Little Willie._=
Something no respectable woman should be without.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is steam?—=_Talo Pott._=
Steam is water gone crazy with the heat.
* * * * *
=_Dear Bilious Skipper_=—I am a bride of two weeks and my husband has
broken my heart accusing me of extravagance and failure to economize
in the home. I have tried lots of cheap dishes without success. Could
you suggest a few menus which would enable me to make both ends
meet?—=_Worried Marjorie._=
Well, Marj, I am not much of an expert at cooking so I have referred your
question to Maggie the hired girl. She suggests as a cheap dish, beans,
but if you have tried them without success, why not try serving tongue
and eggs?
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Can you tell me where moonshine comes from?—=_Hugo
Chaser._=
No, that’s a secret still.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I am informed that it is absolutely proper for
a lady to shake hands when sitting. If so, has the gentleman the same
privilege?—=_Minnie Haha._=
When shaking hands in this glorious land of the free and the home of the
Drys, a Gentleman does it standing, a lady has the privilege of shaking
sitting down, and a Dog does it standing on three legs.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain_=—What makes the ocean so blue?—=_T. N. T._=
Because it has to embrace so many objectionable people.
* * * * *
=_Dear Bill_=—Why does a chicken cross the road?—=_Slim Jim._=
Because she sees some fellow over there who looks like easy picking.
* * * * *