Belshazzar On The Bench
Now, Media was king of Odo. And from the simplicity of his manners
hitherto, and his easy, frank demeanor toward ourselves, had we
foolishly doubted that fact, no skepticism could have survived an
illustration of it, which this very day we witnessed at noon.
For at high noon, Media was wont to don his dignity with his symbols of
state; and sit on his judgment divan or throne, to hear and try all
causes brought before him, and fulminate his royal decrees.
This divan was elevated at one end of a spacious arbor, formed by an
avenue of regal palms, which in brave state, held aloft their
majestical canopy.
The crown of the island prince was of the primitive old Eastern style;
in shape, similar, perhaps, to that jauntily sported as a foraging cap
by his sacred majesty King Nimrod, who so lustily followed the hounds.
It was a plaited turban of red tappa, radiated by the pointed and
polished white bones of the Ray-fish. These diverged from a bandeau or
fillet of the most precious pearls; brought up from the sea by the
deepest diving mermen of Mardi. From the middle of the crown rose a
tri-foiled spear-head. And a spear- headed scepter graced the right
hand of the king.
Now, for all the rant of your democrats, a fine king on a throne is a
very fine sight to behold. He looks very much like a god. No wonder
that his more dutiful subjects so swore, that their good lord and
master King Media was demi-divine.
A king on his throne! Ah, believe me, ye Gracchi, ye Acephali, ye
Levelers, it is something worth seeing, be sure; whether beheld at
Babylon the Tremendous, when Nebuchadnezzar was crowned; at old Scone
in the days of Macbeth; at Rheims, among Oriflammes, at the coronation
of Louis le Grand; at Westminster Abbey, when the gentlemanly George
doffed his beaver for a diadem; or under the soft shade of palm trees
on an isle in the sea.
Man lording it over man, man kneeling to man, is a spectacle that
Gabriel might well travel hitherward to behold; for never did he behold
it in heaven. But Darius giving laws to the Medes and the Persians, or
the conqueror of Bactria with king-cattle yoked to his car, was not a
whit more sublime, than Beau Brummel magnificently ringing for his
valet.
A king on his throne! It is Jupiter nodding in the councils of Olympus;
Satan, seen among the coronets in Hell.
A king on his throne! It is the sun over a mountain; the sun over
law-giving Sinai; the sun in our system: planets, duke-like, dancing
attendance, and baronial satellites in waiting.
A king on his throne! After all, but a gentleman seated. And thus sat
the good lord, King Media.
Time passed. And after trying and dismissing several minor affairs,
Media called for certain witnesses to testify concerning one Jiromo, a
foolhardy wight, who had been silly enough to plot against the majesty
now sitting judge and jury upon him.
His guilt was clear. And the witnesses being heard, from a bunch of
palm plumes Media taking a leaf, placed it in the hand of a runner or
pursuivant, saying, “This to Jiromo, where he is prisoned; with his
king’s compliments; say we here wait for his head.”
It was doffed like a turban before a Dey, and brought back on the
instant.
Now came certain lean-visaged, poverty-stricken, and hence
suspicious-looking varlets, grumbling and growling, and amiable as
Bruin. They came muttering some wild jargon about “bulwarks,”
“bulkheads,” “cofferdams,” “safeguards,” “noble charters,” “shields,”
and “paladiums,” “great and glorious birthrights,” and other
unintelligible gibberish.
Of the pursuivants, these worthies asked audience of Media.
“Go, kneel at the throne,” was the answer.
“Our knee-pans are stiff with sciatics,” was the rheumatic reply.
“An artifice to keep on your legs,” said the pursuivants.
And advancing they salamed, and told Media the excuse of those
sour-looking varlets. Whereupon my lord commanded them to down on their
marrow-bones instanter, either before him or the headsman, whichsoever
they pleased.
They preferred the former. And as they there kneeled, in vain did men
with sharp ears (who abound in all courts) prick their auriculars, to
list to that strange crackling and firing off of bone balls and
sockets, ever incident to the genuflections of rheumatic courtiers.
In a row, then, these selfsame knee-pans did kneel before the king; who
eyed them as eagles in air do goslings on dunghills; or hunters, hounds
crouching round their calves.
“Your prayer?” said Media.
It was a petition, that thereafter all differences between man and man
in Ode, together with all alleged offenses against the state, might be
tried by twelve good men and true. These twelve to be unobnoxious to
the party or parties concerned; their peers; and previously unbiased
touching the matter at issue. Furthermore, that unanimity in these
twelve should be indispensable to a verdict; and no dinner be
vouchsafed till unanimity came.
Loud and long laughed King Media in scorn.
“This be your judge,” he cried, swaying his scepter. “What! are twelve
wise men more wise than one? or will twelve fools, put together, make
one sage? Are twelve honest men more honest than one? or twelve knaves
less knavish than one? And if, of twelve men, three be fools, and three
wise, three knaves, and three upright, how obtain real unanimity from
such?
“But if twelve judges be better than one, then are twelve hundred
better than twelve. But take the whole populace for a judge, and you
will long wait for a unanimous verdict.
“If upon a thing dubious, there be little unanimity in the conflicting
opinions of one man’s mind, how expect it in the uproar of twelve
puzzled brains? though much unanimity be found in twelve hungry
stomachs.
“Judges unobnoxious to the accused! Apply it to a criminal case. Ha!
ha! if peradventure a Cacti be rejected, because he had seen the
accused commit the crime for which he is arraigned. Then, his mind
would be biased: no impartiality from him! Or your testy accused might
object to another, because of his tomahawk nose, or a cruel squint of
the eye.
“Of all follies the most foolish! Know ye from me, that true peers
render not true verdicts. Jiromo was a rebel. Had I tried him by his
peers, I had tried him by rebels; and the rebel had rebelled to some
purpose.
“Away! As unerring justice dwells in a unity, and as one judge will at
last judge the world beyond all appeal; so—though often here below
justice be hard to attain—does man come nearest the mark, when he
imitates that model divine. Hence, one judge is better than twelve.”
“And as Justice, in ideal, is ever painted high lifted above the crowd;
so, from the exaltation of his rank, an honest king is the best of
those unical judges, which individually are better than twelve. And
therefore am I, King Media, the best judge in this land.”
“Subjects! so long as I live, I will rule you and judge you alone. And
though you here kneeled before me till you grew into the ground, and
there took root, no yea to your petition will you get from this throne.
I am king: ye are slaves. Mine to command: yours to obey. And this hour
I decree, that henceforth no gibberish of bulwarks and bulkheads be
heard in this land. For a dead bulwark and a bulkhead, to dam off
sedition, will I make of that man, who again but breathes those bulky
words. Ho! spears! see that these knee-pans here kneel till set of
sun.”
High noon was now passed; and removing his crown, and placing it on the
dais for the kneelers to look at during their devotions, King Media
departed from that place, and once more played the agreeable host.