THE _Gazette des Ardennes_ states that German is becoming a more and more
"popular tongue" in the occupied districts. The inhabitants, we understand,
are looking forward with great pleasure to telling the Huns in German what
they have always thought of them in French.
***
It is now reported that, following the example of Professor SMYTHE, of
Chicago, a number of distinguished Americans have bequeathed their brains
to the Cornell Institute for scientific research. The rumour that the
German CROWN PRINCE has offered the contents of his headpiece awaits
confirmation.
***
The British offensive has been arrested, says the _Vossische Zeitung_.
Presumably for exceeding the speed limit.
***
A gossip-writer says he is of the opinion that there will be a great
revolution in Germany and that the KAISER will be at the head of it. It
would be only decent to give him, say, a couple of lengths start.
***
Over one million persons visited the Zoo last year. The chief attraction
appears to have been a German gentleman from the Cameroons who is being
accommodated in the Monkey House.
***
A North London employer is advertising for men "any age up to one hundred
years." The nature of the employment is not stated, but it is generally
assumed to be akin to that of our telegraph boys.
***
A woman shopper in Regent Street one day last week was accompanied by a
white parrot. It is thought that this example will be widely followed by
people who are not particularly good at repartee.
***
Count REVENTLOW has informed the KAISER that without victory a continuation
of the Monarchy is improbable. The KAISER is expected to retort that
without the Monarchy the continuation of Count REVENTLOW is still more
precarious.
***
"Have you not thought," asked a distinguished cleric recently, "that all
this bad weather may be a punishment for working on Sundays?" For our part
we are convinced that our cynical abandonment of the sacred practice of
throwing rice at weddings has had something to do with it.
***
It was stated in Parliament last week that up to April 6th only 2,800
persons had been placed in employment by the National Service Department.
The Government, it was felt, could have done better than that by the simple
process of creating another new Department.
***
[Illustration: SCOTLAND FOR EVER!]
***
The _Journal_ in a recent message states that the British have ample
supplies of ammunition. The Germans near St. Quentin and Lens also incline
to this view.
***
A resident of Northfleet, who wrote to a friend in Philadelphia in 1893,
has just had the letter returned to him through the American Dead Letter
Office. It is only fair to state that the letter was not marked "Urgent."
***
Fortunately in our hour of need one man at least has undertaken to do his
best for his country. Mr. FRANK HARRIS has told an American newspaper man
that he does not intend to return to Great Britain.
***
Owing to the increased cost of beer, several seaside resorts are announcing
to intending visitors that they cannot guarantee a visit from the
sea-serpent this summer.
***
April 14th is said to be "Cuckoo Day" in this country, but several days
before that the KAISER promised political reform to his people after the
War.
***
The other night a motor car driven by a French aviator, who was accompanied
by three friends, made a tour of Paris, in the course of which it ran down
six policemen. It is evident that the gallant fellow could not have been
trying.
***
_The Star_ is advocating the abolition of betting news in the daily papers,
and it is rumoured that its "Captain Cue" is prepared to offer ten to one
that this good thing won't come off.
***
As a protest against the Government's attitude towards _The Nation_ it is
rumoured that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is about to buy another hat.
***
A safe which had been stolen from a Dublin business house has now been
discovered in a field nine miles away, but the whole of the contents are
missing. It is believed to be the work of burglars.
***
Potatoes are being grown on all the golf links around London. An enthusiast
who is cultivating the ninth hole on one course is offering long odds that
bogey will be not less than two tons.
***
An electrical engineer has been sent as a substitute for a milker to a
Sussex farmer, who, with the characteristic obstinacy of his class, refuses
to accept the expert's assurance that all his cows are suffering from dry
cells.
***
A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ claims that there are no railway stations
in Stoke Newington. It seems incredible that the artistic sense of a
Metropolitan community could be so hopelessly stunted.
***
The axe is being laid to the roots of our trees by the so-called weaker
sex; and the proper way of toasting the new woodwoman is to sing, "For
she's a jolly good feller."
* * * * *