I was tucked in among a lot of old baskets in a cart covered with a
hood, and when the horse stopped of his own accord at the farm it had
been dark for a long time.
The farmer came out of the house carrying a lantern which he held high
up in the air, and which only lit up the toes of his wooden shoes. He
came and helped us to get out of the cart, then he lifted his lantern
up to my face, stood back a little and said, "What a funny little
servant girl."
His wife took me to a room where there were two beds. She showed me
mine, and told me that I should be all alone on the farm with the
cowherd next day, because every one was going to the feast of St. John.
As soon as I was up next morning, the cowherd took me to the stables to
help him give the fodder to the cattle. He showed me the sheep pens,
and told me that I was going to look after the lambs instead of old
Bibiche. He explained to me that the lambs were taken from their
mothers every year, and that a special shepherdess was needed to look
after them. He also told me that the name of the farm was
Villevieille, and that everybody was happy there because Master[1]
Silvain the farmer, and Pauline, his wife, were kind people.
When he had seen to all the animals the cowherd made me sit down next
to him in the chestnut avenue. Sitting there we could see the bend in
the lane which went up towards the high-road, and the whole of the
farm. The farm buildings formed a square and the huge dunghill in the
middle of the yard gave off a warm smell, which mixed with the smell of
the half-dried hay. The farm was wrapped in silence. I sat and looked
all round me. I could see nothing but pine trees and corn fields. I
felt as though I had suddenly been dropped into a faraway country,
where I should always remain, along with the cowherd, and the animals
which I could hear moving in their stables. It was very hot and I was
numb with a heavy longing to go to sleep, but fear of all the new
things which were round me prevented me from letting myself drop off.
Flies of all possible colours whizzed round me with a little snoring
noise. The cowherd was making a basket of rushes, and the dogs lay at
our feet fast asleep.
Just as the sun was setting, the farmer's cart turned slowly round the
bend in the lane. There were five people in it, two men and three
women. As they passed us, the farmer's wife smiled down at me, and the
others leaned forward to see me. Soon afterwards the farm filled with
noise, and as it was too late to make soup for supper we all supped off
a piece of bread and a bowl of milk.
[1] On a French farm the farmer is always called "Master."
Next day the farmer's wife gave me a cloak, and I went out with old
Bibiche to learn how to look after the lambs. Old Bibiche and her dog
Castille were so like one another that I always thought they must
belong to the same family. They looked about the same age, and their
eyes were about the same colour. Whenever the lambs ran off the path
Bibiche would say, "Bark, Castille, bark." She said it very quickly,
almost in one word, and even when Castille did not bark the lambs got
back into line again. The old woman's voice was so like that of her
dog.
When harvesting began it seemed to me as though I were taking part in
something full of mystery. Men went up to the corn and laid it on the
ground with regular sweeping strokes, while others picked it up again
in sheaves, which they stacked one against the other. The cries of the
harvesters seemed to come from above sometimes, and every now and then
I looked up quickly, expecting to see golden corn-laden chariots fly
past above my head.
We all had our evening meal together. Everybody sat down where they
pleased at the long table, and the farmer's wife filled our plates to
the brim. The younger ones munched with appetite, while the older ones
cut each mouthful as though it were something precious. Everybody ate
in silence, and the brown bread looked whiter in their black hands. At
the end of the meal the elder ones talked about harvests with the
farmer, while the younger ones talked and laughed with Martine, the
shepherdess. She answered everybody's jokes, and laughed heartily at
them; but if one of the men stretched out a hand towards her she
skipped out of the way, and never let him get hold of her. Nobody paid
any attention to me. I sat on a pile of logs a little way away from
the rest of them, and looked at all their faces. Master Silvain had
big brown eyes which looked at each one in turn, and rested quietly on
them as he looked. He never raised his voice, and leaned his open
hands on the table when he spoke. His wife's voice was serious and
pre-occupied. She always looked as though she were expecting some
misfortune to happen and she scarcely smiled at all, even when all the
others were roaring with laughter.
Old Bibiche always thought that I was falling asleep. She would come
and pull my sleeve, and take me off to bed. Her bed was next to mine.
She mumbled her prayers while she was undressing, and always blew the
lamp out without waiting to see whether I was ready.
Directly after the harvest, Bibiche let me go to the fields alone with
her dog. Old Castille didn't care for my company. She used to leave
me whenever she could and go back to the farm to Bibiche. I had a lot
of trouble in keeping my lambs together. They ran every way at once.
I compared myself to Sister Marie-Aimée, who always said that her
little flock was hard to manage. And yet she used to get us together
at one stroke of the bell and she could always make us perfectly quiet
by raising her voice a little. But I might raise my voice or crack my
whip as much as I liked, the lambs did not understand me, and I was
obliged to run about all round the flock as though I were a sheep dog.
One evening two lambs were missing. I always stood in the doorway
every evening to let them in one by one so that I could count them
easily. I went into the pen and tried to count them again. It was not
easy and I had to give it up at last, for every time I counted them
again I made their number more than there really were. At last I made
up my mind that I must have counted them wrong the first time, and I
did not say anything to anybody.
Next morning when I let them out I counted them once more. There
really were two missing. I felt very uneasy. All day long I hunted
about the fields for them, and in the evening, when I was quite certain
that they were missing, I told the farmer's wife. We searched high and
low for those lambs for several days, but we could not find them. The
farmer first, and then his wife took me apart, and tried to make me
confess that men had come and taken the lambs away. They promised me
that I should not be scolded if I would tell the truth. It was no good
my saying that I really did not know what had become of them, I could
see that they did not believe me.
After this I was frightened when I went into the fields because I knew
now that there were men who hid themselves and came and stole the
sheep. I was always thinking that I saw some one moving about behind
the bushes. I very soon learned to count my lambs by glancing at them,
and whether they were all together or scattered about, I knew in a
minute whether all of them were there.
Autumn came and I began to feel unhappy. I missed Sister Marie-Aimée.
I longed so to see her that I used to shut my eyes and believe that she
was coming up the path. When I did this I could really hear her steps
and the rustling of her dress on the grass. When I felt her quite
close to me I opened my eyes and she disappeared at once. For a long
time I had the idea of writing to her, but I did not dare to ask for
pen and paper. The farmer's wife did not know how to write, and nobody
at the farm ever got any letters. I plucked up courage one day and
asked Master Silvain if he would take me to town with him that morning.
He didn't answer at once. His big quiet eyes rested on me for a time,
and then he said that a shepherdess ought never to leave her flock. He
said that he didn't mind taking me to mass in the village now and then,
but that I must not expect him to take me to the town. This answer
quite stunned me. It was as though I had learned of a great
misfortune. And every time I thought of it I could see Sister
Marie-Aimée. She was like some precious thing which the farmer had
smashed all to pieces by accident.
On the following Saturday Master Silvain and his wife left in the
morning as usual, but instead of remaining in town until evening they
came back in the afternoon with a dealer who wanted to buy some of the
lambs. I had never thought that one could go to the town and come back
again in so short a time. The idea occurred to me that one day I would
leave my lambs in the meadow and would run into the town for one kiss
from Sister Marie-Aimée. I soon found that that would not be possible,
and I decided to go off in the night. I hoped that I should not take
much longer that the farmer's horse did, and that by leaving in the
middle of the night I could be back in time to take the lambs to
pasture in the morning.
That evening I went to bed in my clothes, and when the big clock
sounded twelve I slipped out on tip-toe with my shoes in my hand. I
leaned against a cart and laced them up, and ran off as fast as I could
into the dark. I soon got past the outbuildings of the farm, and then
I saw that the night was not very dark. The wind was blowing very
hard, and big black clouds were rolling across the sky under the moon.
It was a long way to the high-road, and to get there I had to cross a
wooden bridge which was out of repair. The rain of the last few days
had swelled the little river and the water splashed up on to the bridge
through the rotten planks. I began to get nervous because the water
and the wind between them made a noise that I had never heard before.
But I refused to be frightened, and ran across the slippery bridge as
quickly as I dared.
I got to the high-road sooner than I had expected to, and I turned to
the left as I had seen the farmer turn when he went to market. But a
little further along the road divided into two and I didn't know which
road to take. I ran a little way up one road and then a little way up
another. It was the road to the left that seemed to be the likely one.
I took it, and walked fast to make up for lost time.
In the distance I saw a black mass which covered the whole country. It
seemed to be coming slowly towards me, and for a moment I wanted to
turn back and run. A dog began to bark and that gave me a little
confidence, and almost directly afterwards I saw that the black mass in
front of me was a wood through which the road passed. When I got into
it the wind seemed to be rougher than ever. It blew in gusts, and the
trees struck at one another and rattled their branches, and moaned and
stooped down to get out of its way. I heard long whistling sounds as
the branches cracked and clattered and fell.
Then I heard steps behind me and felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned
round quickly but I saw nobody. Yet I was sure that somebody had
touched me with his finger, and the steps went on as though some
invisible person were walking round and round me. I began to run so
fast that I didn't know whether my feet were touching the ground or not.
The stones sprang out under my shoes and rattled behind me like a
little hailstorm. I had only one idea, and that was to run and run
until I got out of the forest.
At last I came to a clearing. It was lit up by a pale moon and the
tearing wind whirled heaps of leaves up and threw them down again, then
rolled them about and about, and turned them over in all directions.
I wanted to stop to get my breath, but the big trees were swinging
backwards and forwards with a deafening noise. Their shadows, which
looked like great black animals, threw themselves flat along the road
and then slipped away and hid behind the trees. Some of these shadows
had shapes which I recognized. But most of them hovered and jumped
about in front of me as though they wanted to prevent me from passing.
Some of them frightened me so that I took a little run, and jumped over
them. I was dreadfully afraid that they would catch at my feet.
The wind went down a little, and rain began to fall in large drops. I
had got to the other side of the clearing, and when I came to a little
path which disappeared into the wood again, I saw a white wall at the
end of it. I went a little way along the path, and saw that it was a
house. Without thinking at all I knocked at the door. I wanted to ask
the people to shelter me until the wind stopped. I knocked a second
time, and heard somebody moving. I thought the door was going to be
opened, but a window was opened on the first floor. A man in a
night-cap called out, "Who is there?" I answered, "A little girl." He
seemed surprised. "A little girl?" he said, and asked me where I came
from, where I was going, and what I wanted. I had not expected all
these questions, and I said that I had come from the farm, but then
told a lie, and said that I was going to see my mother who was ill. I
asked him to let me into the house until the rain stopped. He told me
to wait, and I heard him talking to somebody else. Then he came back
to the window, and asked me if there was anybody with me. He asked me
how old I was; and when I said I was thirteen, he said I must be a
brave girl to come through the wood alone at night. He remained
leaning out of the window a moment, trying to see my face, which was
looking up towards him. Then he turned his head to right and left
trying to look into the darkness of the wood, and advised me to go on a
little further. There was a village at the other side of the wood, he
said, and I should find houses there where I could dry my clothes.
I went on into the night. The moon had hidden itself altogether, and a
drizzling rain was falling. I had to walk a long time before I got to
the village. All the houses were shut up, and I could hardly see them
in the dark. A blacksmith was the only person up. When I got to his
house I went up the two steps, meaning to rest there. He was busy with
a great iron bar, which he was heating in a fire of red coal, and when
his arm went up with the bellows he looked like a giant. Every time
the bellows came down the coal flew up and crackled. That made a
glimmering light which lit up the walls, on which scythes, saws, and
all kinds of knives were hanging. The man's forehead was wrinkled, and
he was staring at the fire. I dared not talk to him, and I went away
without making any noise.
When it became quite light I saw that I was not very far from the town.
I began to recognize the places where Sister Marie-Aimée used to take
us when we went for our walks. I was walking very slowly now, and
dragged my feet after me because they hurt me. I was so tired that it
was all I could do not to sit down on one of the heaps of stone which
were on each side of the road.
The sound of a horse and cart rattling along the road as fast as they
could go made me turn round, and I remained standing quite still with
my heart beating fast. I had recognized the bay mare and the farmer's
black beard. He stopped the mare quite close to me, leaned out of the
cart, and lifted me up into it by the belt of my dress. He sat me down
next to him on the seat, turned the horse round and drove off again at
full speed. When we got to the wood Master Silvain made the horse slow
down. He turned to me, looked at me, and said, "It is lucky for you
that I caught you up. Otherwise you would have been brought back to
the farm between two gensdarmes." As I didn't answer, he said again,
"Perhaps you don't know that there are gensdarmes who bring little
girls back, when they run away." I said, "I want to go and see Sister
Marie-Aimée." "Are you unhappy with us?" he asked. I said again, "I
want to go and see Sister Marie-Aimée." He looked as though he didn't
understand, and went on asking me questions, going over the names of
everybody on the farm, and asking me if they were kind to me. I made
the same answer every time. At last he lost patience with me, sat
straight up, and said, "What an obstinate child." I looked up at him
and said that I should run away again if he would not take me to Sister
Marie-Aimée. I went on looking at him, waiting for an answer, and I
could see quite well that he didn't know what to say. He kept still,
and thought for several minutes. Then he put his hand on my knee and
said, "Listen to me, child, and try and understand what I am going to
tell you." And when he had finished speaking I understood that he had
promised to keep me until I was eighteen without ever letting me go to
the town. I understood, too, that the Mother Superior could do what
she liked with me, and that if I ran away again she would have me
locked up, because I ran about the woods during the night. Then the
farmer said that he hoped I should forget the convent and that I should
grow fond of him, and of his wife, because they wished me to be happy
with them. I was very miserable, and it was all I could do not to cry.
"Come," said the farmer holding out his hand. "Let us be good friends,
shall we?" I put my hand into his, and he held it rather tight. I
said I should like to be friends. He cracked his whip, and we soon got
through the wood. Rain was still falling in a fine shower like a fog,
and the ploughed fields looked drearier than ever. In a field by the
road a man came towards us waving his arms. I thought he was
threatening me at first, but when he was quite close to us I saw that
he was holding something in his left arm, and that his right arm was
moving up and down as though he were working a scythe. I was so
puzzled that I looked at Master Silvain. As though he were answering a
question, he said, "It is Gaboret, sowing." A few minutes afterwards
we got to the farm. The farmer's wife was waiting for us in the
doorway. When she saw me she opened her mouth wide as though she had
been a long time without breathing, and her serious face looked a
little less anxious for a moment. I ran past her, went into the room
to fetch my cloak, and went straight out to the pens. The sheep rushed
out, tumbling over one another. They ought to have been in the fields
a long time before.
All day long I thought over what the farmer had said to me. I could
not understand why the Mother Superior wanted to prevent me from seeing
Sister Marie-Aimée. I understood that Sister Marie-Aimée could do
nothing though, and I made my mind up to wait, thinking that a day
would come when nobody could prevent me from seeing her again. At
bedtime the farmer's wife went up with me to put an extra blanket on my
bed, and when she had said "good night," she told me not to call her
"madame" any more. She wanted me to call her Pauline. Then she went
away, after telling me that both she and her husband looked upon me as
a child of the house, and that she would do all she could to make me
happy at the farm.
Next day Master Silvain made me sit next to his brother at table. He
told him with a laugh that he was not to let me want for anything,
because he wanted me to grow. The farmer's brother was called Eugène.
He spoke very little, but he always looked at each person who spoke,
and his little eyes often seemed to be laughing at them. He was thirty
years old, but he did not look more than twenty. He always had an
answer to any question he was asked, and I felt no awkwardness at
sitting next to him. He squeezed himself against the wall so as to
give me more room at the table, and when the farmer told him to look
after me, all he said was, "You need not worry."
Now, after all the fields had been ploughed Martine took her sheep a
long way off to some pasture land called the common. The cowherd and I
took our flock down the meadows and into the woods where there was
fern. I suffered from the cold although I had a big woollen cloak
which covered me down to my feet. The cowherd often had to light a
fire. He would bake potatoes and chestnuts in the ashes and share them
with me. He taught me how to know from which side the wind was coming,
so as to make use of the least shelter against the cold. And as we sat
over the fire and tried to keep ourselves warm he would sing me a song
about "Water and Wine." It was a song which had about twenty verses in
it. Water and Wine accused one another of ruining the human race, and
at the same time praised themselves tremendously. As far as I could
see Water was right, but the cowherd said that Wine was not wrong. We
used to sit and talk together for hours. He would tell me of his own
home, which was a long way off from Sologne. He told me that he had
always been a cowherd, and that when he was a child a bull had knocked
him down and hurt him. He had been ill a long time after that, and the
pains in his limbs had made him scream. Then the pains had gone away,
but he had become all twisted up as I saw him now. He remembered the
names of all the farms where he had been cowherd. Some of the farmers
were kind, and some were not, but he had never come across such kind
masters as at Villevieille. He said, too, that Master Silvain's cows
were not a bit like those of his own country, which were small, and had
horns like pointed spindles. The Villevieille cows were big, strong
animals with rough crumpled horns. He was very fond of them and used
to call each one by name when he talked to them. The one he liked best
was a beautiful white cow which Master Silvain had bought in the
spring. She was always lifting her head and looking into the distance,
and then all of a sudden she would start off at a run. The cowherd
used to call out, "Stop where you are, Blanche! Stop!" She usually
obeyed him, but sometimes he had to send the dog after her. Sometimes,
too, she used to try and run even when the dog stopped her, and would
only come back to the herd when the dog bit her muzzle. The cowherd
used to pity her because, he said, he couldn't say what or whom she was
regretting.
In the month of December the cows remained in the stables. I thought
that we should keep the sheep in too, but the farmer's brother
explained to me that Sologne was a very poor country, and that the
farmers could not make enough forage to feed the sheep, as well. So
now I used to go off all by myself with the sheep down the meadows and
into the woods. All the birds had gone. Mist spread over the ploughed
fields and the woods were full of silence.
There were days when I felt so lonely that I began to believe that the
earth had fallen all to pieces round me, and when a crow cawed as it
flew past in the grey sky its great hoarse voice seemed to me to be
singing of the misfortunes of the world. Even the sheep were quiet. A
dealer had taken away all the lambs, and the little ewes did not know
how to play alone. They went along pressing up close to each other,
and even when they were not cropping what grass there was, their heads
were bent. Some of them made me think of little girls I had known. I
used to pass them and stroke them, and make them raise their heads, but
their eyes looked down again at once, and the pupils were like glass
without a gleam in it.
One day I was surprised by such a thick fog that I could not see my
way. All of a sudden I found myself near a big wood which I didn't
know. The tops of the trees were lost in the fog, and the ferns looked
as though they were all wrapped in wool. White shadows came down from
the trees and glided with long transparent trains over the dead leaves.
I pushed the sheep towards the meadow, which was quite near, but they
clustered together and refused to go on. I went in front of them to
see what was preventing them from going any further, and I recognized
the little river which flowed at the bottom of the hill.
I could scarcely see the water. It seemed to be sleeping under a thick
white woollen blanket. I stood looking at it for one long minute, then
I got my sheep together and took them back along the road. While I was
trying to find out where the farm was, the sheep ran round the wood and
got into a lane with a hedge on each side of it. The fog was getting
thicker than ever, and I thought I was walking between two high walls.
I followed the sheep without knowing where they were taking me.
Suddenly they left the lane and turned to the right; but I stopped
them. I saw a church just in front of us. The doors were wide open,
and on either side I could see two red lamps which lit up a grey
vaulted roof. There were two straight lines of huge pillars, and at
the other end one could just see the windows with their small panes on
which a light was shining. It was all I could do to keep the sheep
from going into the church, and as I was pushing them away I noticed
that they were covered with little white beads. They shook themselves
every moment and the beads made a tinkling sound. I got very anxious,
for I knew that Master Silvain must be waiting for us, and wondering
where we were. I felt sure that if I were to go back the way I had
come I must soon find the farm, so making as little noise as I could I
pushed the sheep back into the lane which led to the church. As I was
going into the lane a man's voice sounded right over my head. The
voice said, "Let the poor brutes go home." As he spoke the man turned
the sheep back towards the church again, and I recognized Eugène, the
farmer's brother. He passed his hand over the back of one of the sheep
and said, "How pretty they are with their little frost balls. But it
is not good for them."
I was not at all surprised at meeting him there. I showed him the
church and asked him what it was. "It was for you," he said. "I was
afraid that you would not find the avenue of chestnut trees, and I hung
up a lantern on each side." I felt all confused. It was only a few
moments afterwards that I understood that the great pillars, blackened
and worn by centuries, were simply the trunks of the chestnut trees,
and then I recognized the small-paned windows of the farmhouse kitchen,
which the fire lit up from inside. Eugène counted the sheep himself.
He helped me to make them a warm litter of straw, and as we left the
pen together he asked me if I really didn't know what had become of the
two lambs that had been lost. I felt dreadfully ashamed at the thought
that he could believe that I had told a lie, and I could not help
crying, and told him that they had disappeared without my having seen
how or where they went. Then he told me that he had found them drowned
in a water-hole. I thought he was going to scold me for not having
watched them better, but he said gently, "Go and get warm; you have got
all the rime of Sologne in your hair." I made up my mind that I would
go and see the waterhole. But during the night snow fell so quickly
that we couldn't go out to the fields next day.
I helped old Bibiche to mend the household linen; Martine sat down to
her spinning wheel, and I sang to them while we sewed and Martine span.
While we sat at work that evening the dogs never stopped barking.
Martine seemed anxious. She listened to the dogs, and then turning to
the farmer she said, "I am afraid this weather will bring the wolves
down." The farmer got up to go out and talk to the dogs, and took his
lantern to make a round of the outhouses. During the week that the
snow lasted hundreds of crows came to the farm. They were so hungry
that nothing frightened them. They went into the cow-house and the
pens and into the granary, and they made very free with the corn ricks.
The farmer killed a lot of them. We cooked some of them with bacon and
cabbage. Everybody thought them very good, but the dogs wouldn't eat
them.
The first day we let the sheep and cows out, the pine trees were still
heavy with snow. The hill was all white too. It seemed to have come
closer to the farm. All this white dazzled me. I could not find
things in their places, and every moment I was afraid that I should not
see the blue smoke curling up over the farm roofs any longer. The
sheep could not find anything to eat, and ran about searching. I did
not let them scatter too much. They looked like moving snow, and I was
obliged to watch them closely so as not to lose sight of them. I
managed to get them together in a meadow which skirted a big wood. The
whole forest was busy getting rid of the snow which weighed it down.
The big branches threw the snow off at one shake, while the others
which were not so strong, stooped and bent themselves to make it slip
down. I had never been into this forest. I only knew that it was a
very big one, and that Martine sometimes took her sheep there. The
pine trees were very tall, and the ferns grew very high.
I had been watching a big clump of ferns for a long time. I thought I
had seen it move, and I heard a sound come out of it as though a bit of
stick had broken under a footstep. I felt frightened. I thought there
was somebody there. Then I heard the same sound again much nearer, but
without seeing anything move. I tried to reassure myself by saying to
myself that it was a hare, or some other little animal which was
looking for food; but in spite of all I could try to think, I felt
there was somebody there. I felt so nervous that I made up my mind to
go nearer the farm. I had taken two steps towards my sheep when they
huddled together and moved away from the wood. I was looking about to
see what had frightened them, when quite close to me, in the very
middle of the flock, I saw a yellow dog carrying off one of the sheep
in his mouth. My first idea was that Castille had gone mad; but at the
same moment Castille tumbled up against my dress and howled
plaintively. Then I guessed that it was a wolf. It was carrying off a
sheep which it held by the middle of its body. It climbed up a hillock
without any difficulty, and as it jumped the broad ditch which
separated the field from the forest its hind legs made me think of
wings. At that moment I should not have thought it at all
extraordinary if it had flown away over the trees. I stood there for a
few moments, without knowing whether I was frightened. Then I felt
that I could not take my eyes away from the ditch. My eyelids had
become so stiff that I thought I should never be able to close them
again. I wanted to call out, so that they should hear me at the farm,
but I could not get my voice out of my throat. I wanted to run, but my
legs were trembling so that I was obliged to sit down on the wet grass.
Castille went on howling as though she were in pain, and the sheep
remained huddled together.
When I got them back to the farm at last, I ran to look for Master
Silvain. As soon as he saw me he guessed what had happened. He called
his brother and took down their two guns, and I tried to show him which
way the wolf had gone. They both came back at nightfall without having
found him. We talked of nothing else all the evening. Eugène wanted
to know what the wolf looked like; and old Bibiche got angry when I
said that he had a long yellow coat like Castille, but that he was much
handsomer than she was.
A few days afterwards it was Martine's turn. She had just taken her
sheep out, and she had hardly reached the end of the avenue of chestnut
trees when we heard her shouting. Everybody rushed out of the house.
I got to Martine first. She was stooping down and pulling as hard as
she could at a sheep which a wolf had just killed, and was trying to
carry off. The wolf had the sheep by the throat, and was pulling as
hard as Martine was. Martine's dog bit the wolf's legs, but he didn't
seem to feel it, and when Master Silvain fired full at him he rolled
over with a piece of the sheep's throat between his teeth. Martine's
eyes were staring and her mouth had become quite white. Her cap had
slipped off her head, and the parting which divided her hair into two
made me think of a broad path on which one could walk without any
danger. The usual strong expression of her face had changed into a sad
little grimace, and her hands kept opening and closing, the two of them
keeping time. She had been leaning against the chestnut tree, and she
went up to Eugène, who was looking at the wolf. She stood by him for a
moment looking at the dead wolf too, and said aloud: "Poor brute! How
hungry he must have been!" The farmer put the wolf and the sheep on
the same wheelbarrow, and wheeled them back to the farm. The dogs
followed, sniffing at the barrow, and looking frightened.
For several days the farmer and his brother went out shooting in the
neighbourhood. Whenever Eugène came anywhere near me he would stop and
say a kind word. He told me that the noise they made with their guns
drove the wolves away, and that one very rarely saw any in that part of
the country. But although he said that there was little or no danger I
didn't dare go back to the big forest. I preferred to go up on to the
hill which was covered only with broom and ferns.
It the beginning of the spring the farmer's wife taught me how to milk
the cows and look after the pigs. She said she wanted to make a good
farmer of me. I could not help thinking of the Mother Superior and the
disdainful tone in which she had said to me, "You will milk the cows
and look after the pigs." When she said that, she said it as though
she were giving me a punishment, and here I was delighted at having
them to look after. I used to lean my forehead against a cow's flank
to get a better purchase, and I very soon filled my pail. At the top
of the milk a foam used to form which caught all kinds of changing
colours, and when the sun passed over it it became so marvellously
beautiful that I was never tired of looking at it.
Looking after the pigs never disgusted me. Their food was boiled
potatoes and curdled milk. I used to dip my hands into the bucket to
mix it all up, and I loved making them wait for their food a few
minutes. Their eager cries and the way they wriggled their snouts
about always amused me.
When May came Master Silvain added a she goat to my flock. He had
bought it to help Pauline to feed the little baby she had got after
they had been married ten years. This goat was more difficult to take
care of than all the rest of the flock. It was always her fault when
my flock got into the standing oats, which were pretty high. The
farmer saw what had happened and scolded me. He said that I must have
been asleep in a corner while my sheep were trampling his oats down.
Every day I had to pass near a wood of young pine trees. The goat used
to get there in three jumps, and it was while I was looking for her
that my lambs got into the oats.
The first time I waited ever so long for her to come back by herself.
I made my voice as soft as I could and called to her. At last I made
up my mind to go and fetch her, but the young pines were so close
together that I didn't know how to get after her. On the other hand, I
could not go away without knowing what had happened to the goat. I
thought I remembered the place where she had disappeared, and I went in
there, putting my hands in front of my face to keep the thorns off. I
saw her almost at once through my fingers. She was quite near me. I
stretched my hands out to get hold of one of her horns, but she backed
through the branches, which flew back and struck me in the face. At
last, however, I got hold of her and brought her back to the flock.
She began again next day, and every day she did the same thing. I got
my sheep as far away as I could from the oats, and rushed after her.
She was a white goat, and the first time I saw her I thought that she
was like Madeleine. She had the same kind of eyes, set far away from
each other. When I forced her to come out of the pine trees, she
looked at me for a long time without moving her eyes, and I thought
that Madeleine must have been turned into a goat. Sometimes I told her
not to do it again, and I was quite sure that she understood me when I
told her how unkind she was. As I was struggling out of the pine wood
my hair fell all about me, and I shook my head to throw it forward.
The goat sprang to one side bleating with fear. She lowered her horns
and came at me, but I lowered my head and shook my hair at her. My
hair was long and dragged along the ground. She rushed off, leaping
this way and that. Every time she went into the pine wood I took my
revenge on her by frightening her with my hair. Master Silvain
surprised us one morning when I was butting at her. He laughed and
laughed till I didn't know which way to look. I tried to throw my hair
back quickly. The she goat came close up to me. She looked at me,
stretching her neck and wriggling her back about in the funniest way.
The farmer could not stop laughing. He bent almost double, holding his
sides and simply roared with laughter. All I could see of him were his
eyebrows, his beard, and his big hat. His shouts of laughter made me
want to cry. When he had stopped laughing he asked me all about it. I
told him how wicked the goat had been, and he shook his finger at her
and laughed again. Martine took her out next day; but the day after
she said that she would rather leave the farm than take out that she
goat again. It was possessed of the devil, she said.
Old Bibiche used to say that goats ought to be beaten, but I remembered
the only time I had beaten mine. Her ribs had made such a strange
hollow sound that I never dared touch her again. She was left free to
run about the farm, and one day she disappeared. We never found out
what had become of her.
The feast of St. John was drawing near, and to celebrate the
anniversary of my arrival on the farm Eugène said that I must be taken
to the village. In honour of this feast day the farmer's wife gave me
a yellow dress which she used to wear when she was a girl. The village
was called Sainte Montague. It only had one street, at the end of
which was a church. Martine took me into mass, which had already
begun. She pushed me on to a bench and she sat down on the one in
front of me. There were two women behind me who never stopped talking
about yesterday's market, and the men near the door talked out loud
without seeming to mind. They only stopped talking when the priest
mounted the pulpit. I thought he was going to preach, but he only gave
out notices of the weddings. Every time he mentioned a name the women
leaned to right and left and smiled. I never even thought of praying.
I looked at Martine, who was on her knees. Her dark curls had got out
from under her embroidered cap. Her shoulders were broad, and her
white bodice was fastened at the waist with a black ribbon. The whole
of her made one think of something fresh and new, and yet the Mother
Superior had told me that shepherdesses were dirty. I thought of
Martine and how smart she always looked in her short striped petticoat,
her stockings, which were always tightly drawn, and her wooden shoes
covered with leather, which she blacked like boots. She was always
very careful of her flock, and the farmer's wife used to say that she
knew every one of her sheep. When we came out of mass she left me and
ran up to an old woman, whom she kissed tenderly. Then I lost sight of
her and remained all by myself, not knowing where to go. A little way
off I saw the inn of the "White Horse." There was a noise of voices
there and I could hear dishes and plates rattling. People went in in
crowds, and presently there was nobody left outside. I was going back
into the church to wait for Martine to come and fetch me when I saw
Eugène. He took me by the hand, and said, laughing as he spoke, "If
your dress had not been as yellow as it is I should certainly have
forgotten you." He looked at me as though he were making fun of me and
as though he were amused at something. He took me to the schoolmaster
and asked him to give me luncheon, and to take me for a walk with the
children. The schoolmaster was dressed like the gentlemen of the town.
Eugène wore a blue blouse, and I was very much surprised to see them so
friendly together. While we were waiting for lunch the schoolmaster
lent me a book of fairy tales, and when the time came for the walk I
would much rather have been left alone to finish the book.
On the village green the boys and girls were dancing in the sunshine
and the dust. I thought that they danced too roughly, and that they
were too noisy.
I felt very sad, and when the cart drove us back to the farm at
nightfall I felt really glad to be back in the silence and the sweet
smell of the meadows again.
A few days after that, on our way home from the forest, a sheep which
had been grazing near the hedge jumped right up into the air. I went
to see what was the matter, and saw that his nose was bleeding. I
thought that he must have pricked himself with a big thorn, and after
having washed him I didn't think anything more about it. Next day I
was terrified to see that his head had swollen up till it was almost as
big as his body. It frightened me so much that I screamed. Martine
came running up, and she began screaming too, and everybody came. I
explained what had happened the day before, and the farmer said that
the sheep must have been bitten by a viper. He would have to be cared
for, and must be left in the stable until the swelling had gone down.
I asked nothing better than to look after the poor brute, but when I
was alone with it I felt frightened to death. That enormous head,
which wobbled on the little body, made me half crazy with terror. The
great big eyes, the enormous mouth and the ears, which stood straight
up, made a monster almost impossible to imagine. The poor beast always
remained in the middle of the stable, as though he were afraid of
bumping himself against the wall. I tried to go to him, telling myself
that it was only a sheep after all, but I could not. But directly he
turned towards me I felt dreadfully sorry for him. Sometimes I used to
think that this dreadful face which wobbled from right to left was
reproaching me. Then something seemed to wobble inside my head, and I
felt as though I were going mad. I quite understood that I was
perfectly capable of letting him die of hunger. I told the cowherd
about it, and he said that he would look after the sheep as long as the
inflammation lasted. He laughed at me a little, and said he could not
understand how I could be afraid of a sick sheep.
I was able to do him a good turn afterwards, and I was very glad. When
he let the bull out one morning, he had slipped and fallen in front of
him. The bull had sniffed and smelt at him. He was a young bull,
which had been brought up on the farm, and was a little bit wild. The
cowherd was afraid of him, and felt quite certain that he would
remember that he had seen him on the ground in front of him. I should
have liked to make him understand that there was nothing to be afraid
of, but I didn't know what to say to prevent his being frightened. I
was quite surprised at noticing all of a sudden how old he was. His
hat had dropped on to the ground, and I noticed for the first time that
his hair was quite grey. I thought about him all day long, and next
day, while the cows were going out one by one, I went into the stable.
The cowherd was looking at the bull, who was pulling at the chain. I
went up to him, patted him, and let him loose. The cowherd stood on
one side, and the bull rushed out as if he were mad. The herd looked
at him in surprise, and limped after him. I was not nearly so
frightened of the bull as I had been of the sheep with the swollen
face, and I used to go into the stable every day, slipping in quietly
so as not to be seen. But Eugène had seen me. He took me aside one
morning, and, looking right into my eyes with his little eyes, he said,
"Why did you let the bull loose?" I was afraid the cow-herd would be
scolded if I told the truth, and tried to find something to say to him.
I began to say that I didn't let him loose. Then Eugène gave a little
chuckle, and said, "You don't mean to tell me that you tell lies, do
you?" I told him everything, and they sold the bull next Saturday.
I had often noticed how kind Eugène was to everybody. Whenever the
farmer had any difficulties with his men he always used to call his
brother, who would settle everything with a few words. Eugène did the
same work on the farm as Master Silvain did, but he always refused to
go to market. He said that he would not know how to sell even a
cheese. He walked slowly, rocking himself a little as he walked, as
though he were trying to keep time with his oxen. He went to Sainte
Montagne nearly every Sunday. When the weather was bad he would remain
in the living-room at the farm house and read. I used to hope that he
would leave his book behind him one day; but he never forgot it, and
always took it to his room with him. One of my great troubles was that
I could not find anything to read in the farm, and I used to pick up
any bits of printed paper that I saw lying about. The farmer's wife
had noticed this, and said that I should become a miser some day. One
Sunday, when I had screwed up my courage and asked Eugène for a book,
he gave me a book of songs. All through the summer I took it with me
to the fields. I made up tunes for the songs which I liked best. Then
I got tired of them, and when I was helping Pauline to clean up the
farm for All Saints Day, I found several almanacks. Pauline told me to
take them up to the garret, but I pretended to forget, and carried them
off to read in secret, one after the other. They were full of amusing
stories, and the winter went by without my ever noticing the cold.
When I took them up to the garret at last, I hunted about up there to
see if I could not find any others. The only thing I found was a
little book without any cover. The corners of the leaves were rolled
up as if it had been carried about in somebody's pocket for a long
time. The two first pages were missing, and the third page was so
dirty that I could not read the print. I took it under the skylight,
to see a little better, and I saw that it was called "The Adventures of
Telemachus." I opened it here and there, and the few words that I read
interested me so much that I put it in my pocket at once.
While I was on my way down from the garret, it suddenly occurred to me
that Eugène might have put the book there, and that he might come and
look for it at any time. So I put it back on the black rafter where I
had found it. Every time I could manage to go to the garret I looked
to see whether it was still in its place, and I read it as much and as
often as ever I could.
Just about that time I had another sick sheep. Its flanks were hollow,
as though it had not eaten for a long while. I went and asked the
farmer's wife what I ought to do with it. She was plucking a chicken,
and asked me whether the sheep was "drawn." I didn't answer at once.
I didn't quite know what she meant. Then I thought that probably
whenever a sheep was ill it was "drawn," and I said "Yes." And so as
to make it quite clear, I added, "It is quite flat." Pauline began to
laugh at me. She called Eugène, and said, "Eugène! One of Marie
Claire's sheep is drawn and flat too." That made Eugène laugh. He
said I was only a second-hand shepherdess, and explained to me that
sheep were "drawn" when their stomachs were swollen.
Two days afterwards Pauline told me that she and Master Silvain saw
that they would never make a good shepherdess of me, and that they were
going to give me work to do in the house. Old Bibiche was not good for
much, and Pauline could not do everything herself because of her baby.
When they told me this, my first thought was that I should be able to
go up to the garret more often, and I kissed Pauline and thanked her.
So I became a farm servant. I had to kill the chickens and the
rabbits. I hated doing it, and Pauline could never understand why.
She said I was like Eugène, who ran away when a pig was being killed.
However, I wanted to try and kill a chicken so as to show that I did my
best. I took it into the granary. It struggled in my hands, and the
straw all round me got red. Then it became quite still, and I put it
down for Bibiche to come and pluck it. But when she came she cackled
with laughter because the chicken had got on to its feet again, and was
in the middle of a basket of corn. It was eating greedily, as though
it wanted to get well as quickly as possible after the way in which I
had hurt it. Bibiche got hold of it, and when she had passed the blade
of her knife across its neck the straw was much redder than it had been
before.
Instead of going to sleep in the middle of the day, I used to go up to
the garret to read. I opened the book anywhere, and every time I read
it over again I found something new in it. I loved this book of mine.
For me it was like a young prisoner whom I went to visit secretly. I
used to imagine that it was dressed like a page, and that it waited for
me on the black rafter. One evening I went on a lovely journey with
it. I had closed the book, and was leaning on my elbows and looking
out of the skylight in the garret. It was almost evening, and the pine
trees looked less green. The sun was pushing its way into the white
clouds which hollowed themselves and then swelled out again, like down
and feathers do when you push something into a sackful of them.
Without quite knowing how, I found myself, all of a sudden, flying over
a wood with Telemachus. He held me by the hand, and our heads touched
the blue of the sky. Telemachus said nothing, but I knew that we were
going up into the sun. Old Bibiche called to me from below. I
recognized her voice, although it was so far off. She must be very
angry, I thought, to be calling so loud. I didn't care. I saw nothing
but the bright flakes of white down, which surrounded the sun and which
were opening slowly to let us pass in. A tap on my arm brought me back
with a rush into the garret. Old Bibiche was pulling me away from the
skylight, and saying, "Why do you make me shout like that? I have
called you at least twenty times to come and get your supper!" A
little while later I missed the book from the rafter. But it had
become a friend which I carried about in my heart, and I have always
remembered it.
Two days before Christmas, Master Silvain got ready to kill a pig. He
sharpened two big knives, and, after having made a litter of fresh
straw in the middle of the yard, he sent for the pig, which made such a
noise that I was sure he knew what was going to happen. Master Silvain
roped up his four feet, and, while he fastened them to pegs which he
had hammered into the ground, he said to his wife, "Hide the knives,
Pauline. Don't let him see them!" Pauline gave me a sort of deep
dish, which I was to hold carefully, so as not to lose a single drop of
the blood which I was to catch in it. The farmer went to the pig,
which had fallen on its side. He went down on one knee in front of
him, and, after having felt his neck, he reached his hand out behind
his back to his wife; she gave him the bigger of the two knives. He
put the point on the place he had marked with his finger, and pressed
it slowly in. The pig's cries were just like the cries of a baby. A
drop of blood came from the wound and rolled slowly down in a long red
line. Then two spurts ran up the knife and fell on the farmer's hand.
When the blade was right in up to the handle. Master Silvain put his
weight on it for a moment and drew it out again as slowly as he had put
it in. When I saw the blade come out again all striped with red, I
felt my mouth grow cold and dry. My fingers went limp, and the dish
toppled over to one side. Master Silvain saw it. He gave me one look
and said to his wife, "Take the dish away from her." I could not say a
word, but I shook my head to say "No." The farmer's look had taken my
nervousness away, and I held the dish quite steadily under the spurt of
blood which came out from the pig's wound. When the pig was quite
still, Eugène came up. He looked amazed at seeing me carefully
catching the last red drops which were rolling down one by one like
tears. "Do you mean to say you caught the blood?" he asked. "Yes,"
said the farmer; "that shows that she is not a chicken heart, like
you." "It is quite true," said Eugène to me, "I hate seeing animals
killed." "Nonsense," said Master Silvain. "Animals are made to feed
us just as wood is made to warm us." Eugène turned away a little, as
though he were ashamed of his weakness. His shoulders were thin, and
his neck was as round as Martine's. Master Silvain used to say that he
was the living portrait of their mother.
I had never seen Eugène angry. He hummed songs all day long. In the
evening he used to come back from the fields sitting sideways on one of
the oxen, and he nearly always sang the same song. It was the story of
a soldier, who went back to the war after he had learned that the girl
he had been engaged to marry had married another man. He used to dwell
on the refrain, which finished like this--
And when a bullet comes and takes
Away my precious life,
You'll know I died because you were
Another fellow's wife.[1]
Pauline always used to treat Eugène with much respect. She could never
understand my freedom with him. The first evening that she saw me
sitting next to him on the bench outside the door she made signs to me
to come in. But Eugène called me back, saying, "Come and listen to the
wood owl." We often used to be sitting on the bench, still, when
everybody had gone to bed. The wood owl came quite near to an old elm
tree which was by the door, and we used to think that it was saying
"good night" to us. Then it would fly away, its great wings passing
over us in silence. Sometimes a voice would sing on the hillside. I
used to tremble when I heard it. The full voice coming out of the
night reminded me of Colette. Eugène would get up to go in when the
voice stopped singing, but I always used to stop, hoping to hear it
again. Then he would say, "Come along in: it is all over."
[1] Quand par un tour de maladresse
Un boulet m'emportera
Allons adieu chère maitresse
Je m'en vais dans les combats.
And now that the winter was with us again, and we could no longer sit
on the bench by the door, there seemed to be a sort of secret
understanding between us. Whenever he was making fun of anybody, his
queer little eyes used to look for mine, and whenever he gave an
opinion he used to turn to me as though he expected me to approve or
disapprove. It seemed to me that I had always known him, and deep down
in my thoughts I used to call him my big brother. He was always asking
Pauline if she was pleased with me. Pauline said that there was no
need to tell him the same thing, over and over again. The only thing
she reproached me with was that I had no system in my work. She used
to say that I was just as likely to begin at the end of it as at the
beginning. I had not forgotten Sister Marie-Aimée, but I was no longer
as sick with longing for her as I used to be. And I was happy on the
farm.
In the month of June the men came, as they came every year, to shear
the sheep. They brought bad news with them. All over the country the
sheep were falling ill as soon as they had been shorn, and numbers of
them were dying. Master Silvain took his precautions, but in spite of
all he could do, a hundred of the sheep fell sick. A doctor said that
by bathing them in the river a good many of them might be saved. So
the farmer got into the water up to his middle, and dipped the sheep in
one by one. He was red hot, and the perspiration rolled down his
forehead and fell in great drops into the river. That evening when he
went to bed he was feverish, and next day he died of inflammation of
the lungs. Pauline could not believe in her misfortune, and Eugène
wandered about the stables and the outhouses with frightened eyes.
Soon after the farmer's death, the landlord of the farm came to see us.
He was a little dry stick of a man, who never kept still for a minute,
and if he did stand still he always seemed to be dancing on one foot.
His face was clean-shaven, and his name was M. Tirande. He came into
the living-room where I was sitting with Pauline. He walked round the
room with his shoulders hunched up. Then he said, pointing to the
baby, "Take him away. I want a talk with the goodwife." I went out
into the yard, and managed to pass the window as often as I could.
Pauline had not moved from her chair. Her hands lay on her knees, and
she was bending her head forward as though she were trying to
understand something very difficult. M. Tirande was talking without
looking at her. He kept walking from the fireplace to the door and
back again, and the noise of his heels on the tiled floor got mixed up
with his broken little voice. He came out again as fast as he had come
in, and I went and asked Pauline what he had said. She took the baby
in her arms and, crying as she told me, she said that M. Tirande was
going to take the farm away from her and give it to his son, who had
just got married.
At the end of the week M. Tirande came back with his son and his
daughter-in-law. They visited the outhouses first, and when they came
into the house, M. Tirande stopped in front of me a minute, and told me
that his daughter-in-law had made up her mind to take me into her
service. Pauline heard him say so, and made a step towards me. But
just then Eugène came in with a lot of papers in his hand, and
everybody sat down round the table. While they were all reading the
papers and signing, I looked at M. Tirande's daughter-in-law. She was
a big, dark woman with large eyes and a bored look. She left the farm
with her husband without having glanced at me once. When their cart
had disappeared down the avenue of chestnut trees, Pauline told Eugène
what M. Tirande had said to me. Eugène, who was leaving the room,
turned to me suddenly. He looked very angry, and his voice was quite
changed. He said that these people were disposing of me as though I
were a bit of furniture which belonged to them. While Pauline was
pitying me, Eugène told me that it was M. Tirande who had told Master
Silvain to take me on the farm. He reminded Pauline how sorry the
farmer had been because I was such a weakling, and he told me that he
was very sorry not to be able to take me with them to their new farm.
We were all three standing in the living-room. I could feel Pauline's
sad eyes on my head, and Eugène's voice made me think of a hymn.
Pauline was to leave the farm at the end of the summer.
I worked hard every day to put the linen in order. I didn't want
Pauline to take away a single piece of torn linen with her, I worked
hard with my darning-needle, as Bonne Justine had taught me, and I
folded every piece as well as I could.
In the evening I found Eugène sitting on the bench by the door. The
moon was shining on the roofs of the sheep-pens, and there was a white
cloud over the dung-heap which looked like a tulle veil. There was no
sound whatever from the cow-house. All that we heard was the squeaking
of the cradle which Pauline was rocking to put her child to sleep.
As soon as the corn had been got in, Eugène began getting ready to go.
The cowherd took away the cattle, and old Bibiche went off in the cart
with all the birds of the poultry-yard. In a few days nothing was left
at the farm but the two white oxen, which Eugène would trust to nobody
but himself. He fastened them to the cart which was to take Pauline
and her child. The little fellow was fast asleep in a basket full of
straw, and Eugène put him into the cart without waking him up. Pauline
covered him with her shawl, made the sign of the cross towards the
house, took up the reins, and the cart went slowly off under the
chestnut trees.
I wanted to go with them as far as the high-road, and I followed the
cart, walking behind the oxen, between Eugène and Martine. None of us
spoke. Every now and then Eugène gave the oxen a friendly pat. We
were quite a long way on the road when Pauline saw that the sun was
setting. She stopped the horse, and, when I had climbed on to the step
to kiss her good-bye, she said sadly, "God be with you, my girl.
Behave well." Then her voice filled with tears, and she added, "If my
poor husband were living he would never have given you up." Martine
kissed me, and smiled. "We may see one another again," she said.
Eugène took his hat off. He held my hand in his for a long time, and
said slowly, "Good-bye, dear little friend. I shall always remember
you."
I walked a little way back, and turned round to see them again, and,
although it was getting dark, I saw that Eugène and Martine were
walking hand in hand.