Transcriber’s Notes
Text printed in italics in the source document has been transcribed
_between underscores_, bold face text =between equal signs=, and
blackletter text ~between tildes~. Small capitals have been changed to
ALL CAPITALS; superscript texts are represented by ^{text}.
More Transcriber’s Notes may be found at the end of this text.
[Illustration:
For Sale by all Booksellers and Newsdealers.
“1776” “1876”
ONE HUNDRED YEARS A REPUBLIC
OUR SHOW
DAISY SHORTCUT.
ARRY O’PAGUS.
CLAXTON, REMSEN & HAFFELFINGER,
_624, 626, 628 Market Street, Philadelphia_.
THE AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, New York.]
OPINIONS OF THE PRESS
From several thousand “opinions,” carefully prepared for the use of the
press, we select the following. We shall be happy to give the remainder
in similar instalments in the future editions of “Our Show.”
[Special dispatch to the New York Herald.]
“Have just discovered the book on my editorial table--the fun I am
still looking for; ’tis harder to find than Livingtone was. The
African jungles were tame compared to the general wildness of these
pages.--_Stanley._”
[From the San Francisco Tribune.]
“No library is complete without it--in the waste basket.”
[From the London Times.]
“We admit that the volume puzzles us. We should be inclined to doubt
some of the assertions contained within it, even to consider them
preposterous, had we not long ago given up any attempt to account for
events or circumstances occurring in America.”
[From Galignani’s Messenger, Paris.]
“We have not read this production in the original, but the French
translation assures us that it is a work of grave import. Beneath the
simple words there is a depth of meaning and a quiet, dignified tone
of determination, which the friends of Liberty would do well to heed.
It is a book to be pondered over. The illustrations are by Mons.
Jacques Frost, an artist of warm imagination.”
[From the Berlin Freie Presse.]
“It is the only book of the kind we have ever seen--thank Heaven!”
[From the Vienna Court Journal.]
“The Emperor has not been seen in public for several days. We learn
from reliable sources that he has been closeted in his study,
translating, altering, and localizing an American volume called ‘Our
Show,’ to make it appear the official record of our late International
Exposition.”
[From the Pekin Argus.]
“The Authors are evidently insane.”
[From the St. Petersburg Daily News.]
“This, with Sherman’s ‘Memoirs,’ Motley’s ‘Dutch Republic,’ and Mrs.
Lee Hentz’s ‘Wooed, not Won,’ presents a living argument against those
who are in the habit of sneering at American literature. If this work
fails to give America a first place in the rank of letters, it will
keep her not far from the tail.”
[From the Constantinople Leader.]
“It is the joint production of two geniuses. We doubt whether one
genius could have written it and survived.”
[From the Copenhagen Sentinel.]
“Copenhagen is shaken to its centre. Is Sweden dead? Is the land of
the immortal Yywxtlmp sleeping? Has the American Exposition become a
thing of the past whilst we are yet preparing for it? or are the
authors of this book endeavoring, under the guise of an historical
novel, to lay the foundation for poisoning the world in the future
with the doctrines of Spiritualism? Philadelphia exchanges call it a
‘third term pamphlet.’ We have looked through its pages, and though
failing to discover what this means, we found one term for which we
thank the authors--the termination.”
[From the Hong Kong Examiner.]
“Americans should receive a book like this with fervor--once every
hundred years.”
=1776. FUN. HUMOR. BURLESQUE. 1876.=
ONE HUNDRED YEARS A REPUBLIC.
OUR SHOW;
A HUMOROUS
ACCOUNT OF THE
INTERNATIONAL EXPOSITION
IN HONOR OF THE
CENTENNIAL ANNIVERSARY OF AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE,
=FROM INCEPTION TO COMPLETION,=
INCLUDING
DESCRIPTION OF BUILDINGS--BIOGRAPHIES OF MANAGERS--RECEPTIONS OF
FOREIGN DIGNITARIES--OPENING CEREMONIES--POEM--ORATION--AMUSING SURVEY
OF ALL DEPARTMENTS, INCIDENTS, ETC. ETC.
BY
DAISY SHORTCUT AND ARRY O’PAGUS.
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED BY A. B. FROST.
PHILADELPHIA:
CLAXTON, REMSEN & HAFFELFINGER,
624, 626, AND 628 MARKET STREET.
THE AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, NEW YORK.
1876.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, by
CLAXTON, REMSEN, & HAFFELFINGER,
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. All rights
reserved.
PHILADELPHIA:
COLLINS, PRINTER,
705 Jayne Street.
DEDICATION.
After forty days and forty nights of unceasing meditation, we have
completed this important contribution to
AMERICAN LITERATURE.
It was especially designed for dedication to Mrs. Victoria Guelph, the
representative of our mother country, as a pleasing, though tardy
equivalent for the real estate confiscated by the boys who ran away
ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.
But, our far-sighted Secretary of State, an official of the first water,
has pointed out to us the impropriety of especially distinguishing one,
of the many countries interested in “OUR SHOW;” an action likely to give
birth to those bickerings and petty jealousies among the nations which
are so apt to lead to grave results.
We desire, above all things, the general good. Under no circumstances
would we insist upon anything apt to disturb the peace and harmony of
the world; therefore, we select for the honor of a dedication, the
private parties we think most deserving,
OURSELVES.
Daisy Shortcut respectfully dedicates his portion of this work to his
friend and bottle-holder Arry O’Pagus, and Mr. O’Pagus returns the
compliment, by dedicating the outpourings of his colossal intellect to
Daisy Shortcut, and, joining hands, they sign themselves,
The Purchaser’s
Most Obedient Servants.
PARLOR C, CONTINENTAL HOTEL,
PHILADELPHIA, December 1st, 1875.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
PAGE
“THE SPARK.” . . . HOW IT ALL CAME ABOUT 9
CHAPTER II.
“THE FUEL.” . . . WHAT THE WOMEN DID 14
CHAPTER III.
“THE COOKS.” . . . WHO FED THE FLAMES 21
CHAPTER IV.
“THE LOOKERS ON.” . . . WHO CAME TO BE WARMED 27
CHAPTER V.
“THE CRACKLING.” . . . PREPARATIONS FOR THE BLAZE 34
CHAPTER VI.
“THE FIRE.” . . . WHO FLARED AND HOW THEY DID IT 40
CHAPTER VII.
“THE REFLECTIONS.” . . . SHADOWS, SHAPES, AND THOSE WHO MADE THEM 50
CHAPTER VIII.
“THE GLOW.” . . . WHO HELPED AND WHO ENJOYED IT 58
CHAPTER IX.
“THE FLICKERING.” . . . HOW IT DIMMED AND HOW IT BRIGHTENED 66
CHAPTER X.
“THE SMOKE.” . . . HOW IT WENT UP 75
OUR SHOW.
CHAPTER I.
“THE SPARK.” ... HOW IT ALL CAME ABOUT.
[Illustration]
If the late Christopher Columbus, Esq., could have foreseen, as an
indirect result of his little excursion in the spring of 1492, the
infliction of the following pages upon posterity, Mr. Columbus, very
likely, would have stayed at home. Think kindly, therefore, of the dead;
let no blame attach to him. Perhaps a few remarks concerning the ancient
mariner may prove instructive to the reader. Being both happy and able
to impart useful and interesting information, we cheerfully devote a
paragraph to the defunct navigator.
The capitalists of our country are familiar with Christopher,
principally through a cut of that nautical gentleman which an artistic
government has placed upon the reverse side of its five-dollar bills.
The elevated cross in the hands of the piratical-looking monk kneeling
beside him, has given rise to a wide-spread belief that Mr. Columbus was
a bishop or a cardinal. It is our duty to dispel this grievous
misconception. He was simply a Brazilian sea captain, who believed there
were two sides to every question, even to such a serious question as the
world. Having taught Queen Isabella of Spain, who had not then
abdicated, how to make an egg stand and drink an egg-flip, she gave him,
under the influence of the latter, command of the steamer “Mayflower,”
with permission to row out and see what he could find. He landed at
Plymouth Rock; discovered the city of Boston, first, by special request,
being presented with the freedom of THE COMMON by the grateful
inhabitants, and welcomed in a neat speech by Mrs. Harriet Byron Stowe.
Shortly after this, George III. of England commanded that all the male
children born in the Colonies should be cast into the Atlantic ocean. He
also advanced the price of postage stamps. These injustices were more
than the people could stand; they met in Concord, and drove the British
out of Lexington. This alarmed George, who immediately passed the famous
“stamp act,” and telegraphed to Benjamin Franklin, then postmaster at
Philadelphia, authorizing him to distribute free rations of postage
stamps three times a day. But the wires clicked back the touching
refrain--
“Too late! Too late! Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are
these ‘too late.’
Yours, BEN.”
Benjamin then convened a job lot of patriots at Philadelphia, and they
resolved that these United States were, and of right ought to be, free
and easy. Commodore John Hancock, of the Schuylkill Navy, was chairman
of the convention. On motion of Robert Morrissey (whose nephew John,
late M. C. from New York, inherits his uncle’s statesmanlike and
financial abilities), a bell to proclaim liberty was purchased for the
State-House steeple. They practised economy in those brave days, and
bought a cracked one, because they got it at half price. It is still in
Independence Hall, a monument of our veracity.
The world knows well what followed, and ’tis well for the world that it
does. General Cornwallis finally surrendered to General Scott at the
Germantown Intersection. The “Junction” depot now marks the spot. So,
dismissing our historical reminiscences, we would respectfully request
both the gentle and the savage reader, to imagine, after the manner of
the modern drama, the lapse of one hundred years, ere we proceed with
the second act.
This century being buried in that popular mausoleum, the vast ocean of
eternity, a universally expressed desire to celebrate the nation’s
centennial birthday in a style befitting its present power and
importance, gradually assumed the form of an International Exposition,
to be held during six months of the year 1876. Philadelphia was selected
as the site, partly on account of historical associations and the
proprietorship of the cracked bell, but principally to gratify the
inhabitants of the adjoining Dutch settlement, New York.
[CONGRESSIONAL MODESTY.]
Congress was naturally appealed to for countenance and assistance.
Unfortunately, however, Congress, having bestowed all its material aid
upon railroad and steamship subsidies, had nothing but its moral support
to offer. Having a large stock of this commodity, it was tendered with
the usual modesty and circumspection which marks the action of that body
in national affairs. The President was authorized to invite the world to
the Exposition--without expense to Congress. Philadelphia was granted
permission to hold the Exposition--without expense to Congress; each
State was allowed the privilege of appointing a commission--without
expense to Congress; and, to be brief, the economic representatives of
the people resolved that these United States might go in and have a good
time generally--without expense to Congress.
Jubilant with this encouragement, the State Commissioners organized an
Executive Committee, which appointed a Board of Finance, and auxiliary
committees upon everything and anything, including mining, manufactures,
calisthenics, art, science, primogeniture, horticulture, pisciculture,
agriculture, infanticulture, and hydrostatics. City committees were
constituted. These were jobbed out to wards, and again sublet to
precincts, through which domestic juntas were established in every
household. Thus the voice of the people woke the echoes of the capitol,
and reverberated to the furthermost corners of the universe.
[GEE UP DOBBINS!]
The Building Committee immediately contracted with Mr. Richard J.
Dobbins (the inventor of Dobbins’ electric soap) for the construction of
THE MAIN EXHIBITION HALL.
He agreed to furnish the very first quality of soapstone for the
masonry, and to use Castile only, for the girders. The following were
the chief points of the contract:--
1st. The building to form a parallelopipedon, in order to secure the
choicest location to each exhibitor.
2d. To be thoroughly waterproof. Dr. McFadden of the _Aqua Fontana_
department, and several other eminent surgeons, to fill it up to the
ceiling as a test previous to the opening. The contractors to take it
back if the test proved unsatisfactory.
3d. The walls to be of gutta percha; to be distributed after the closing
of the exhibition to the pupils of the public schools for chewing and
erasing purposes.
4th. A transcript to meander through the centre of the building, with a
knave to right and left. Cucumber pumps of the _Louis Quatorze_ pattern
on the east and west detours, alternating with eight green cellar doors,
to give the same effect and finish which marked the _tout ensemble_ of
the Vienna buildings. A main curricle on the right to be flanked by iron
decades, with arched approaches for bipeds, tripods, and quadrilaterals.
5th. The general appearance of the exterior to favor the Polynesian
style, which is replete with architectural beauties. _Fac similes_ of
the Tower of Babel, Tower of London, Leaning Tower of Pisa, and Tower
Hall, to adorn the four corners. The trusses and bandages supporting the
roof, to be of purple and fine linen, with brass mountings. The roof
itself to be perpetually covered with wet towels, to guard against
sunstroke.
6th. The centre aisle to be covered with canton flannel matting, with
the grass sloping up to the back door. Nineteen hotel candles to
illuminate the ground floor, with a citrate of magnesia light in the
attic window.
This extraordinary structure was completed according to agreement, and
upon being weighed at the corner grocery, kicked the beam at 1234567890
pounds, 19 shillings and sixpence.
Mr. Dobbins was also entrusted with the erection of
MEMORIAL HALL.
This is a permanent building, so adapted that it may be used hereafter
as an Art Gallery or a Station-house. The foundation is not only
cemented with Spalding’s glue, but the iron posterns run through to
China, and are tied on the other side with the back hair of coolies,
detailed for the service through the courtesy of the Pekin government.
[MORITURI SALUTAMUS.]
Notwithstanding Mr. Dobbins’ immense labors in completing these two
buildings, he still found time to run over to Rome and purchase the
Colosseum. He brought it home with him for the purpose of exhibiting
Prince Bismarck and the Pope in gladiatorial contests during the
exhibition months.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
The contract for
MACHINERY HALL
was awarded to Mr. Philip Quigley, of Wilmington, Delaware. When it grew
too big for his State, he removed it to and finished it upon the ground
it occupied. The machinery exhibited was worked by forty horse-power,
and a neat stable was attached to the rear for the care and
accommodation of the forty horses, the contribution of the city
passenger railway companies.
All the shaftings were of sandal wood, and the belting of Russia
leather, supplied by the family of the Czar himself. An “hydraulic
annex” was also tacked on to the building. It contained a tank 60 by 180
feet, with 10 feet depth of water for fishing and bathing purposes. A
portion was fenced off for the preservation and display of “The Falls,”
which the hotel keepers and hackmen of Niagara kindly loaned for the
occasion. The hydraulic rams and other live stock were watered here
every morning, and at stated intervals during the day hydrodynamic and
hydrostatic performances were given in the tank by the pupils of the
“Girls’ Normal School.” The former were very unique.
The consideration for the construction of this building, as per
Commissioners’ report, was $542,300, including drainage, water-pipe,
plumbing, and silver-plated door knobs, but exclusive of interior
white-washing. This, however, was performed gratuitously by Professor
Johnson of the African Commission.
* * * * *
Mr. John Rice, a healthful and nutritious builder, was selected to erect
the beautiful
HORTICULTURAL HALL,
which remains a permanent ornament to our park, and an attractive target
for the shots of the young idea visiting the locality. The immense
expanse of glass will doubtless provide innocent amusement to many
generations of young America. May they ever appreciate the kind
consideration which placed the building convenient to a line of soft
rocks, supplying ready-made boulders of all sizes. We believe, however,
that the building is taken in at nights; we know its visitors are taken
in during the day. Some idea of its vastness may be given by stating
that more than 7000 acres of land are situated around it.
AGRICULTURAL HALL,
being of _papier maché_, inlaid with mother-in-law of pearl, was cut out
by steam, and work was not commenced upon it until September, 1875. The
pens for live stock adjoining the building were of steel (a favorite
material in public edifices), and were a part of the contract. They were
fashioned after the manner of the famous floating palace, “Adelaide
Neilson,” of the Noah family. The plans were furnished by the Shemitic
commission from rough drafts now in possession of the descendants of
Admiral Noah.
* * * * *
At a late date the
UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
decided to erect a few buildings, including a hospital. They thought the
latter might come handy in Washington after the exhibition, for
resigning officials. When we first learned that the United States had
obtained 100,000 feet for their buildings, we thought it another display
of persevering frugality. We imagined they desired to save a hardware
bill by using the nails accompanying the material. We discovered that
the feet merely meant the ground for the buildings to stand on.
[A COMPLIMENT TO SAPPHO.]
As the Grecian government had expressed itself too poor to take part in
the Exposition, Mr. Windrim, the architect, was instructed to design
these buildings in the shape of a Greek cross. Through this delicate
compliment, the land where Sappho lived and sung, was represented after
all.
These, with the offices for managers, gas men, stage carpenters, etc.
etc., and some national, state, and special buildings, which may claim
our attention further on, complete the list of structures erected upon
the Centennial grounds for exhibition purposes. Men of all nationalities
vied for the privilege of taking part in the glorious work. The Teuton
and Celt underbid the native American; the co-patriots of Garibaldi did
still better, only to be put to shame in their turn by a Chinese colony.
Ignoring all natural partiality and national prejudice, the contractors,
in a spirit of true republicanism, gave the most work to those who
labored for the least money.