DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, the system
is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you like it. I have
found that it answers very well where the parties are highly
intelligent-like myself, for example.
I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. official in my
district:
_Q._ What is your name? _A_ SARSFIELD YOUNG. What is yours?
_Q._ What is your age? _A._ A., being asked how old he was, replied: If
I live as long again, and half as long again, and two years and a
half,--how old shall I be?
_Q._ Where is your residence? _A._ I live at home with the family, have
often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, there is no place like
home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and cold water.
_Q._ What is your occupation? _A._ Taxpayer. This takes my whole time
_Q._ Where were you born? _A._ Having made no minute of it at the time,
it has passed out of my memory.
_Q._ What kind of a house do you live in? _A._ A mortgaged house,
painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows and a brass
lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) to it.
_Q._ At what age did your grandfather die? _A._ If he died last night,
(I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was turning ninety-eight,
perhaps he got tipped over in the turn.
_Q._ Do you hold any official position: if so, what? _A._ Inspector of
fish,--every Friday.
_Q._ Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen companies. So are
all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for several thousands.
_Q._ Are you troubled with chilblains? _A._ Quitely. I soak my feet in
oil of vitriol.
_Q._ Were you in the war? _A._ I have the scar on my arm which I got in
the service. I was vaccinated severely, while clerk to a substitute
broker at Troy, N. Y.
_Q._ Are you a graduate of any College. _A._ Yes, of one. I forget which
one. I only remember that I was one of the most remarkable men they ever
turned out.
_Q._ Have you suffered from the potato rot? _A,_ Not myself. My uncle
had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water was a very good thing.
I've made an independent discovery of the same fact, also.
_Q._ Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? _A_. I can only say
that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my whole duty. I am.
_Q._ What do you think of deep plowing? _A._ In a scanty population, I
should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend it, however, in a sandy
soil, where school privileges are first-class.
_Q._ Does anything else occur to you which it is important for the
Government to know? _A._ Yes: a hay fever occurs to me regularly once a
year. I have no policy to enforce against the will of the people: Still
I would call the attention of the medicine-loving public to my friend
Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of
memory, bankruptcy, teething, and general debility, they are without a
rival. No family should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle.
They gild the morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age,
with the name blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of
impositions--at all respectable druggists.
* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully assist the
Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business.