We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a
further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who
has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a
suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room,
examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you
will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you
are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on
particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly,
nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District
Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and
practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still,
it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own
importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with
red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has
brought with him in a black bag.
[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."]
"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says.
"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate
in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place
you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind,
excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may
say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the
cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend
itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the
object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of
eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a
work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your
wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look
as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a
new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.)
"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities
of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely,
rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by
subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in
the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted,
and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my
ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living
celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will
be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely
new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink,
paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being
determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference
superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses
fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a
work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for
your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the
Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--)
"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should
not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in
my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone
that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and
it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to
so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!"
You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a
singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our
foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very
road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman
MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many
interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait
of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of
'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_
MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd
vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between
ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed
your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted
in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider
himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable
man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could
mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow,
this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I
should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now,
would give me all the personal information you think proper to make
public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and
artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I
do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that
you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_
MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for
your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book
out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE?
A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both
of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were
educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to
Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves
thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as
clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860?
Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively
uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am
sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy
of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at
the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying
possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_
put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts,
you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married
Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four
guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early
opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent
artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable
change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!"
[Illustration: "You may have to wait."]
He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer,
and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of
Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait
a considerable time.
* * * * *