HEARTSICK WITH THOUGHT.
Two Gentlemen of Verona; i.--1.
Fenton's forenoon at his studio was broken by a visit from Ninitta. His
mind full of his trip to New York, and of speculations concerning his
interview with Mrs. Glendower, he had let the whole question of the
_Fatima_ and his entanglement with its model slip from his mind, and
when he opened the door to find Mrs. Herman standing there, the shock
of his surprise was a most painful one. Ninitta's eyes were swollen
with weeping, and the sleepless night had made her plain face haggard
and ugly. With a quick, irritated gesture, the artist put his hand upon
her arm and drew her impatiently into the studio. Closing the door, he
stood confronting her a moment, studying her expression, as if to
discover the cause of her disturbance.
"Well," at length he said, harshly, "have you betrayed me?"
Ninitta answered his look with one of helpless and confused despair.
The anguish of the long hours during which she had been making up her
mind what to do in the emergency that had arisen, had stupefied her so
that she could not think clearly. She still suffered, and Fenton's
brutal manner brought tears to her eyes, but she was benumbed and
dazed, and could neither think nor feel clearly.
"Grant found out himself," she said, "that I posed."
"Well?" Fenton demanded, with an intensity that made his smooth voice
hoarse.
"That's all," Ninitta responded dully. "I'm going away."
"Going away?" echoed Fenton, the words arousing again his fears that
the worst might have been discovered. "Then Herman does know?"
"He only knows that I posed," repeated Ninitta; "but he says Nino would
be ashamed, and I am going away."
"But where are you going?"
"Home; to Capri."
The artist looked at her with an impatient feeling that it was idle to
reason with her, and that she had somehow passed beyond his control. He
moved away a few steps, and sat down in an old carved monkish chair,
while his visitor leaned, as if for support, against the casing of the
door. He looked at her curiously, wondering what her mental processes
were like, and saying to himself, with mingled chagrin and philosophy,
that it was impossible to deal with a creature so irrational, but that
fortunately he was not responsible for her movements His glance
wandered about the studio, noting with artistic appreciation the
pleasant coloring of a heap of cushions thrown carelessly on the divan.
He wondered if it would have been better had he arranged that blue one
in a fuller light, as a background for the beautiful shoulder of his
_Fatima_, yet reflected that on the whole the value he had chosen
better brought out the quality of the flesh-tones. What a splendid
picture the _Fatima_ was. It was worth some inconvenience to have
achieved such a success, and, after all, he would not be so foolish as
to begrudge the price he must pay for his triumph.
And yet, and yet--He turned back with a movement of impatience toward
that sad, silent figure standing just inside his door. A wave of anger
rose within him. He felt that he had a right to consider himself
aggrieved by her persistent presence. Why must his will, his happiness,
his artistic powers be hampered and thwarted by this woman who was only
fit to serve his art and be laid aside, like his mahl-stick and palette.
"It seems to me," he burst out, more harshly than ever, "that you might
have had the sense to keep away from here, at least until Herman gets
over his anger."
"But I am going away," she said, "and I came to you for some money."
He stared at her in fresh amazement an instant; then he burst into
derisive laughter.
"Well," he said, "I like that. Why, I'm going to New York myself
to-night, to try to beg enough to keep me out of the poor-house."
"But I can't ask Mr. Herman," Ninitta said, beseechingly.
"In Heaven's name, Ninitta," exclaimed Fenton, "don't be an idiot.
There's no sense in running away. Besides, what are you afraid of?"
"But it might hurt Nino if I stayed," returned poor Ninitta.
Through the bitter watches of the night, she had been saying that over
and over to herself. With all her weakness and her sin, her mother-love
stood the supreme test. As she had been able to give up her Italian
friends when the boy was born, because, as she said, Nino was born a
gentleman and must not associate with them; now, when she was convinced
that he would be better without her, she was able to give him up,
although with a breaking heart. Many times she had been forced to
confess to herself that Nino's mother was not a lady like Mrs. Fenton
or Helen Greyson, or others of her husband's friends; and although she
had always comforted herself with the reflection that at least no boy
had a mother who loved him more than she did her son, the thought that
her child might be better without her had more than once forced itself
upon her mind. It was idle for Fenton to argue; Ninitta's decision had
passed beyond argument, and perhaps her understanding was, for the time
being, too benumbed by suffering clearly to follow her companion's
reasoning.
"At least," she said at last, utterly ignoring his earnest endeavor to
shake her resolution, "if you cannot let me have any money, you will
write a note for me to tell Mr. Herman that I am gone, and to say
good-by to the _bambino._"
"Good God, Ninitta! Are you mad?" Fenton cried, jumping up and coming
to confront her. "Why should you mix me up in this business? He knows
my writing, and think what he might suspect if I wrote such a note."
His voice insensibly softened as he spoke. He could not but be touched
by the utter helplessness, the anguish, the baffled weakness so evident
in her face and manner. He was cruel only from selfishness and the
instinct of self-defence, and his pity was sharply aroused by Ninitta's
suffering and her miserable condition.
"Come," he said gently, laying his hand on her arm, "you are tired and
frightened. There is no need for you to go away and, besides, you could
not live without the _bambino._ Think, you would have no letters; you
would never even hear from him."
A spasm of pain contracted Ninitta's features. She pressed her hands
upon her bosom with interlaced fingers working convulsively.
"Oh, Mother of God!" she moaned, in a voice of intensest agony, which
thrilled Fenton with a keen pang that yet did not prevent his
remembering how like was the cry to that of a great tragic actress as
he had heard it in _Phedre_.
"Don't, Ninitta," he pleaded, unlocking her hands and taking them in
his. "I"--
"You will write me?" she interrupted eagerly. "You will tell me about
Nino? I shall find somebody to read it to me. Oh, you are good. That is
the best kindness you could do me."
She pressed his hands eagerly, a divine yearning, a gleam of passionate
hope shone in her dark eyes. Fenton tried to smile, but despite himself
his lip trembled. He had hard work to control himself, but he reflected
that with him lay the responsibility of dissuading Ninitta from her mad
project.
"But it will be better still," he urged, "to be with him. What can a
boy do without his mother?"
She bent her head forward, gazing into his eyes as if she were trying
to read his very soul; then she threw it backward with a sharp moan,
shaking his hands from hers with a tragic gesture.
"He would be ashamed," she said. "Now he is too young to know that he
is better without his mother."
She looked around the familiar studio with a sweeping, panting glance;
then she turned again to Fenton, clasping both his hands with one of
hers.
"Think of what I have done for you," she said; "and write me about him.
I shall die if you do not."
And there shot through Fenton's mind a sense of the terrible tragedy
which lay in such an appeal for such an end.
When she was gone, Fenton consoled himself with the reflection that the
lack of money would prevent Ninitta from carrying out her wild whim.
He, of course, could not know that soon after Nino's birth Herman had
started a fund for him in a savings bank, and to the mother's intense
gratification had the deposits made in her name as trustee. He had
taught Ninitta to sign her name; and great had been her pleasure in
watching the little fund grow. It indicated the desperateness of her
resolve, that now she broke into this cherished fund, drawing barely
enough money to take her back to Capri. She was going away for Nino's
sake she argued with herself, and that justified even this.
All through the day she busied herself with preparations for departure.
She would take nothing but the barest necessities; only that the
hand-satchel into which she compressed her few belongings held Nino's
first baby socks, a lock of his hair, his picture, a broken toy, and
other dear trifles, each of which she packed wet with tears and covered
with kisses.
Late in the afternoon she took Nino into her chamber alone to bid him
good-by. Her limbs failed her as the door closed and he stood looking
at her in innocent wonder. She sank into a chair, faint and trembling,
soul and body rent with an intolerable anguish so great that for a
moment she wondered if she were not dying.
"What is the matter, mamma?" Nino cried out in his musical Italian,
running across the room to stand by her knee.
He took one of her hands in his, stroking it softly and looking up into
her face with pity and wonder.
"I am going away, Nino," she said, speaking with a mighty effort. "You
must be a good boy and always mind and love papa. And, oh!" she cried,
her self-control breaking down, "love me too, Nino; love me, love me."
She clasped her arms convulsively about his neck, but she choked the
first sob that rose in her throat. She did not dare give way. She
instinctively knew that she needed all her strength to carry her
through what she had undertaken. She kissed the startled child with
burning fervor. She drew him into her lap and held him close to her.
Her very lips were white.
"Nino," she said, "can you remember something to say to papa?"
"Oh, yes," he answered. "I am quite old enough for that. Don't you
remember how I repeated",--
_"'Questo domanda del pan;
Questo dise, no ghe n'e;
Questo dise come faremo;
Quell' altro dise; rubaremo;
Il mignolo dise; chi ruba 'mpicca, 'mpicca!_'"
It was a folk rhyme she had taught him to say, telling off his chubby
fingers one by one; and she remembered how proud the boy had been when
he had repeated it to his father. Her mouth twitched convulsively, but
she went on steadily.
"You remembered it beautifully, Nino," she said, "and you are to say to
papa, 'Mamma has gone away to Italy for my sake, and she leaves you her
love.' Say it over, Nino."
"'Mamma has gone away to Italy for my sake,'" repeated the child. "But,
mamma," he broke in, "I don't want you to go."
She embraced him as if in her death struggle the waters of the sea were
closing over her.
"Say it, Nino," she repeated. "Say it all."
The child did as she bade him. She knew she could not prolong this
interview, and still have strength to carry out her resolution. She
embraced and kissed her child so frantically that he became frightened
and began to cry. Then she soothed him and led him to the chamber door.
She put her hand on the latch. She looked at him, her Nino, her baby.
She tottered as she stood. But the force of character which had given
her strength to fight her way for ten years and across half the world
to seek Nino's father gave her power now. She opened the door and put
the boy out gently. She could not trust herself to kiss him again, or
even again to say good-by.
But when the door was closed, she rolled upon the floor in agony,
stifling her moans lest they should be heard outside, beating her
breast and biting her arms like a mad creature.
When Herman came home to dinner that night his wife was gone, and Nino
gave him her message.